Austen Box Set

by Hart, Staci

  Or at least that’s what I hoped.

  I clicked on the light and picked up my book, finding the words truer than ever, the sting of the loss through the women in Mists of Avalon even greater than my own, which brought me comfort, however small it was. And at some point, late in the night, I drifted off into fitful sleep.

  KEEP BREATHING

  Tyler

  I stared out the window of the airplane with my headphones in, watching the earth come closer in increments, trying not to think about Cam.

  It was impossible, of course — she’d been on my mind since I’d walked out the door. Since before that. Since ever.

  The rejection I felt was absolute.

  I thought back over our argument, feeling the pang of hurt deepen. I hated that it went down like it had. I hated that she still wasn’t sure. I hated that I didn’t know how much more I could take.

  She made a promise she couldn’t keep. I should never have asked it of her. Of course, I’d promised her my patience, and I hadn’t been able to give that to her in the end. But it was too much.

  The metal ring around on my finger was warm, the same temperature as my skin, like it was a part of me — I twisted it over and over again as I had been for the last hour, feeing lost. Helpless.

  I understood though why she needed control. Life was so much easier when there was something you could fix. Handle. But I knew from experience that the greatest, hardest lesson was that you can’t control anything but how you react. I knew I couldn’t control Cam, and I didn’t want to. But there was nothing I could do for us except walk away. No amount of talking could fix it. No amount of begging.

  There wasn’t a single thing in our way except Cam. And Cam was immovable.

  I thought grimly about what would come when I went home. Would we talk? Could I even listen? Could I bear any more? She said I was too much for her, but maybe it was the other way around. Maybe she was too much for me.

  The thought of us sharing space, when all I wanted was her, was too much. No, I wouldn’t be able to do it. See her every day, the reminder of what I couldn’t have. Of what I had and lost due to no fault of my own.

  Like I said. Helpless.

  I felt the loss like a gaping hole in my chest.

  By the time we touched down in Lincoln, the sun was setting, and when I turned my phone service back on, I held my breath, hoping to see a text or a call from Cam.

  Nothing came.

  I sighed and slipped my phone in my pocket after turning on my music, wanting solitude against the throng of people exiting the plane.

  An hour later, I was in my rental car, heading to my parents’ house. Lincoln hadn’t changed much, the familiarity of the city where I’d spent all my life until a few years ago comforting. The fall air was crisp, the leaves all golds and yellows, the wind whipping them across the street in currents.

  I pulled up to my parents’ gate and punched in the code, rolling up the window too keep the cold out as soon as I was finished. The driveway was long, circling in front of the sprawling colonial house where I’d grown up. I pulled up next to my dad’s truck, and before I had a chance to get out, my parents were walking out the front door, smiling.

  I popped open my door and made my way around the car, smiling back.

  “Tyler!” my mom called and reached for me. She was a slight thing — I looked almost nothing like her, save our eyes. When she pulled away, she cupped my cheeks. “It’s so good to see you, honey. Come on inside where it’s warm.”

  I hitched my duffle bag on my shoulder as my dad stepped to me, hand outstretched. He was as tall as I was, which was always a little strange — I’d grown accustomed to being taller than everyone. His hair was dark like mine, with gray shocks at his temples. “Son. Glad you made it. How was your flight?”

  I took it and gave it a shake. “Long. I forgot my book at home.”

  He smirked. “Book, huh? Cam finally did it?”

  I tried to smile. “Yeah.”

  A gust of wind blew through us, and we hunched our shoulders against it.

  Mom grabbed my arm and shooed us toward the door. “Let’s get inside, boys.”

  The house was cozy and warm, old country music playing through the speakers they had installed through the house. We moved into the kitchen, where my oldest younger sister sat at the island bar. She lit up, hopping off her stool.

  “Tyler! You finally got here.” She bounded over and hugged me.

  I laughed, comforted by her, even if she didn’t know I needed it. “Hey, Meg. I figured you’d be at a homecoming party tonight.”

  She shrugged. “I am in a little bit. Just wanted to see you first.”

  A thunder of feet and a riot of giggles came down the stairs, and when my youngest two sisters rounded the corner into the great room, I bent down and opened my arms. Grace and Jamie filled them, and I picked them both up at once, easy to do even at sixteen and eighteen.

  “Gah, I missed you girls.”

  They giggled more, laying kisses on my cheeks. I set them down and looked over the three of them, smiling. They looked just like my mom, dark eyes and fair hair, little things compared to Dad and me.

  “Man, I’m glad to see you girls. Jamie, what’s this boyfriend I hear about? Do I need to threaten him with his life?”

  She rolled her eyes and slapped me in the arm. “God, Tyler.”

  I laughed. “I know Jeremy’s older brother well enough. If they’re anything alike, I’ll let him live.”

  “Thank goodness because he’s taking me to homecoming, and I already ordered his boutonnière.”

  “Gracie, I heard about Oliver Winslow asking you to the dance and called his brother. You don’t mind if we chaperone you, do you?”

  Grace was the shy one — the only shy one, I’d note. She blushed, her fair skin blotchy as she looked down at her shoes, but when she glanced back up at me, she smiled, her mouth full of braces. “Ugh, you’re so embarrassing.”

  “I learned it from Dad.” I shook my head. “I can’t believe I know the kids asking out my little sisters. Doesn’t anybody leave this town?”

  My dad chuckled and handed me a beer. “Sometimes, but they almost always come back.”

  Jamie bounced. “What’d you bring us?”

  Mom clucked at her. “He just got home, girls. Give him a minute to sit down.”

  I set my bag down on the counter and unzipped it. “It’s all right, Mom.” I dug around and pulled out Meg’s first. She reached for it, excited, eyes pouring over the cover of the book. “Oh, my God. Is this …” She flipped it over again and opened it, reading the gold leaf inscription on the inside. “Marianne was generous, amiable, interesting: she was everything but prudent.”

  “It’s illustrated,” I added.

  “Sense and Sensibility is my favorite,” she breathed. “Cam?”

  I nodded, smiling past the pain her name brought me.

  “It’s beautiful. Thank you. Tell her I love it for me, will you?”

  “Of course,” I said and dug through my bag for more. My fingers grazed bubble wrap, and I pulled out Jamie’s gift.

  She took it with wide eyes, unfastening the tape and unwinding the wrapping to reveal a silver hand mirror. “Tyler, this is beautiful.”

  “It’s an antique. Victorian, the lady at the shop said.”

  Mom’s eyes were wide too as she leaned over. “Look at that detailing on the back. This is just exquisite.”

  I smiled. “Glad you think so.” I handed her another bubble wrapped package.

  “Oh, Tyler,” she said, laughing as she took it and opened it up to find a similar mirror, though hers was gilded, the scrollwork more intricate. She gaped and ran her fingers over it.

  Grace nibbled on her lip, looking self-conscious.

  “Don’t worry, Gracie. I didn’t forget you.” I dug around some more, looking for a small box, exclaiming an ah-ha! when I found it. I handed it over to her, and she took it tentatively.

  She turned it over
in her hands before opening it, gasping when she saw the gold necklace inside. It was simple, a small, dainty chain with a tiny heart hanging from it.

  “Now you’ve always got a little piece of my heart,” I said, and she rushed me, wrapping her arms around my waist.

  “You’re seriously the best brother in the whole world.”

  I smiled down at her and hugged her back. “How would you know? You’ve only got one.”

  She squeezed me a little tighter. “I just do.”

  “All right, girls,” Mom said, gathering them up. “Come on and let’s to put that movie on. Give Tyler a rest — you’ll see him plenty this weekend.”

  They passed around hugs and kisses before going upstairs, though Meg stayed where she was, drinking a beer with Dad and I at the island.

  I zipped up my bag and set it on the floor before taking a seat next to her.

  Dad leaned on the surface across from me. “How’s it going, son?”

  I took a sip of my beer and shrugged. “Good. We survived Pharaoh, so that’s a win.”

  He shook his head. “I’m glad it’s blowing over, but man. That kid. You won’t have any of that kind of trouble with Darryl.”

  “No, I don’t suspect I will. He’s a good kid.”

  “One of the best. He’s had agents all over him, which isn’t surprising. He’s one of the best running backs in college ball.”

  “You think he’s still planning on signing with us?”

  “I don’t doubt it for a moment, but you know how it is.”

  “Wait until the ink’s dry,” I said with a smile.

  He nodded. “Until then, it’s anybody’s guess. But he trusts me, and he trusts you and Jack and the agency. I’m glad you’ll have some time with him this weekend too.”

  “Couldn’t miss homecoming, and I’m here on Jack, for Darryl. Everybody wins.”

  “What else is going on? Wasn’t the charity dinner last night?” he asked.

  “Yeah,” I said and took a drink, not wanting to think about it.

  “Did you take a date?” my nosey sister asked.

  I gave her a look.

  “What?” she asked innocently. “Can’t your little sister be worried about your dating life?”

  I snorted. “No.”

  “Well, now you’re being weird. Who’d you take? Please tell me you didn’t ask Jessica. She was the fakest kind of fake. Like a dessert that looks delicious, but you go to take a bite and realize it’s a wax display.”

  I laughed. “That’s creepily accurate.”

  She shrugged. “Lit major. One day when I’m a famous writer, you can talk all about how my metaphors brought none of the boys to the yard.”

  I chuckled but still didn’t answer her.

  Her eyes narrowed. “Seriously, why don’t you want to tell me?”

  I sighed. “I took Cam.”

  They both looked at me like I was crazy, and Mom gaped as she walked back in. “Did I hear that right? You took Cam on a date? As a friend?”

  “Yeah, as a friend.” I took another sip.

  Meg laughed. “You liar.”

  I shook my head and swallowed. “Dammit, Meg. You just can’t give it to me, can you?”

  “Nope. Are you guys dating?”

  “No.”

  “Lying again,” she sang.

  “No, I’m not,” I said definitively. “We’re not dating. Anymore.”

  Her smile fell. “What in the world happened?”

  I leaned on the counter and inspected the label on my bottle. “I don’t really even know. I realized I had feelings for her and found she had feelings for me.” It was that simple and that complicated.

  “How long did it last?” she asked as Mom and Dad listened on.

  “Not long. Just a week or so. We got in a fight before I left for the airport.”

  “Today?” Meg asked.

  I nodded and knocked my drink back, emptying it. Dad moved to get me another.

  “Well, what happened?”

  “I don’t even know. We kissed and just sort of fell into a relationship, but she had a foot out the door the whole time. She’s scared of something, me I guess. I don’t know why, but she’s got excuse after excuse, and I’ve tried … I’ve tried so hard to convince her. I brought her to the water and practically drowned her in it, but I couldn’t make her drink.”

  “As it goes,” Dad said.

  “She doesn’t trust me. And after all the back and forth, I don’t trust her right now either. She promised me we were past it just last night, but today we were right back where we started, hashing it out all over again. But there’s nothing left to say.”

  “Why doesn’t she trust you? Did you do something to betray it?” Meg asked.

  “She says we’re too different and that she’s afraid I’m going to leave her once I figure it out.” I shook my head. “I didn’t do a single thing wrong. It’s just some idea that’s stuck in her head that she can’t get past. And now …” I sighed again. “She’s my roommate. Nothing will ever be the same between us. Can’t go backward. Can’t convince her of anything. So I’ve got to figure out what to do next.”

  “Any chance of her coming around?”

  “Who knows? But I can’t keep trying to drag myself through it because it hurts.” I took a sip of my drink, trying to swallow the lump in my throat. “How many ways can you say you want someone? How can you make them understand? She’s got me on some pedestal, has some idea of me that isn’t real. That almost hurts worse, to know she doesn’t know me well enough to believe what I say.”

  Meg shook her head. “I don’t think it’s that.”

  “Well, enlighten me, wise one.”

  She shrugged. “Maybe she just doesn’t feel like she’s enough for you. That’s what it sounds like, at least. I don’t believe for a second that Cam doesn’t know your intentions, but she’s just got herself spooked.”

  My brow furrowed.

  “I’m saying it’s not you, it’s her. She’s suffering from pretty classic relationship anxiety, if I had to bet. I mean, unless she’s not into you. Do you think she’s not into you?”

  I thought back over the last week, thought about the way she looked at me, the way she let herself go, as tentative as it was. “No, I think she very much wants to be with me.”

  Meg nodded. “I’ve been there. I think every woman has been in some capacity.”

  “I get that, Meg. But how far do I go? How much do I have to carry? I need her to be in it with me, to try. But she’s gone back and forth so many times in the last week, I feel like I have whiplash.”

  She shook her head and sighed. “I don’t know. You’re the only one who can make that choice.” Her phone buzzed on the counter. “Crap, my ride is on its way. I’ve got to go finish getting ready.” She stood and hugged me, kissing me on the cheek, since I was sitting and at her level. “It’s all going to work out. We’ll talk more tomorrow, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  She ruffled my hair, and I angled to get away from her. “Missed you, bub.”

  I smiled at the nickname — short for Bubba and much preferred. “You too, sis.”

  “We’ll hang tomorrow night after the game. You’re coming out, right?”

  I raised a brow. “Can I avoid it?”

  She laughed. “Nope. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Mom smiled and sighed. “All my babies under the same roof. You don’t think you’ll miss it, but you do.”

  Dad chuckled, and she patted his arm.

  “I’ll leave you boys to catch up. Don’t stay up too late, all right?”

  “No promises,” Dad said.

  She tsked. “You’ve got a big day tomorrow, mister. Both of you do. Get some rest.” She gave me kiss and headed out.

  “Night, Mom.”

  Dad and I were left in the content silence, marked only by the Johnny Cash song playing overhead.

  My mind wandered to Cam. Was she okay, or was she as torn up as I was? Part of me needed t
o know. The rest of me was wounded and didn’t want to talk to her at all. Not yet.

  “You all right?”

  I sighed. “Not really. It’s been a weird day.”

  “Sounds like it. I’ve got to admit — I’m a little surprised to hear about Cam.”

  “Why?”

  “Don’t exactly know.” His brows furrowed as he thought about it. “Maybe in part because you’ve never dated anyone like her before.”

  I huffed, exasperated. “That’s exactly why I wanted her. I’ve been dating in the wrong pool. You know, Cam says we’re too different, but look at me and Jess. She didn’t like football at all — we didn’t have a single thing in common. Or how about me and Gretchen? She went to college to find a husband, not a bachelor’s degree, and at the end of the day, she didn’t want me. Not as I am. She wanted what I stood for, some cardboard idea of a boyfriend. It’s the same story for every woman I’ve dated, even back to high school. They didn’t want me, but Cam does. Did. She’s real. She’s beautiful and perfect, even with her flaws.”

  He nodded. “Well, I can’t really argue with that, can I?”

  I shook my head. “I feel like I’ve been defending my feelings to everyone. To you. To Cam. To Kyle.”

  He chuffed. “Kyle’s an idiot. Don’t defend yourself to a fool, son.”

  My jaw flexed, my thoughts still rambling. “It’s so frustrating. I feel like no one understands or believes me. I don’t get everyone’s problem with Cam. She made me happier in a week than every woman I’ve dated combined, and yet somehow I’m still sticking up for myself. I feel like I’m in it all alone.”

  His face softened, his eyes apologetic. “I’m sorry, Tyler. I’m not opposed, don’t get me wrong. I said I was surprised, but it’s a pleasant surprise, especially hearing you talk about her like this.”

  I slumped in my seat. “I just want everyone to believe in us the way I do. Especially Cam.”

  “We do. And I want to believe she’ll come around, if for nothing more than your happiness. I wish I could give you some advice, but it’s been damn near thirty years since I dated anyone besides your mom. All I can say is that you’ve got to keep on believing. Don’t give up on her.”