Not Broken Anymore

by Tawdra Kandle

  For a second, I thought she might argue with me anyway, just to be contrary. But instead, she quirked one eyebrow.

  “As long as I can get mint chocolate chip, you’ve got yourself a deal.”

  I did miss Gia even more than I’d expected the next weekend, but Danny and Leo kept me fairly busy and distracted. From the minute I picked up the older Taylor at his parents’ house in Eatonboro, all the way through the six-hour drive from South Jersey to Richmond, Danny talked. He told me about his job, about the women he was dating—yes, plural women, because as Danny informed me, he wasn’t interested in settling down, even if his older brother was now engaged and his baby brother was hopelessly gone on the same girl he’d been loving since grade school.

  “Yeah, it’s always been Quinn for Leo. They were real brats growing up, the three of them . . .” He stopped, realizing he was talking about Nate, who’d only died this past December. “Uh, I mean, we loved them and shit, but man, they drove Simon and me nuts. And then when they got older, all of us knew that Quinn was crushing on Leo, and we could see that he was hung up on her, but he didn’t seem to get it. Took him long enough to finally ask her out, and even then, the two of them couldn’t keep it together.” Danny’s expression grew sober. “Those were some tough years, though. My mom was sick, and I think that stressed out Leo. But then they got back together after Quinn’s dad was killed.” He shook his head. “Sounds like a fucking soap opera, doesn’t it? And now here they are, with Leo down in Virginia and Quinn thousands of miles away. But it’s going to end up good. They’ll get together.”

  I smiled a little. He sounded like Gia, but I couldn’t say that out loud. “I hope so. I like them both. And Leo definitely seems happier when she’s in his life.”

  That was undoubtedly true, but I had to admit that Leo’s life down in Richmond was pretty sweet, too. He was glad to see us, and he didn’t waste any time showing us around his brand-new townhouse. Danny rode him about how involved their mom had been in decorating, but Leo only shrugged.

  “Hey, I can’t help it if I’m her favorite. Took her three tries to get a kid she could be proud of, so I’m not going to deny her the pleasure of doing what she wants for me.”

  Danny muttered something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like Mama’s boy, but Leo ignored him.

  We ate food delivered from Leo’s favorite Chinese takeout place that night, drinking beer while we watched basketball and talked. The next morning, we slept in late and then met Leo’s teammate Corey Iverson for a pick-up game of football at a local park.

  It ended up being Leo and me playing against Corey and Danny. While I felt pretty good about our chances, in the end, the older two beat us by a touchdown, which meant Leo and I bought the beers when we stopped in at their favorite bar.

  I liked Corey Iverson. Leo had told me how supportive both Corey and his wife Ellie were, and the guy just seemed to be grounded in a way most dudes his age in this business weren’t. He talked about his wife with open adoration, and that was something I could definitely admire. For a few minutes, I let myself fantasize that someday, that could be Gia and me, that I’d be one of the experienced players, happily married to a woman who was my entire world. I got so lost in my dream future that I nearly missed Corey asking me a question.

  “You single, Durham?” He sounded casual, but the glance he gave me was anything but.

  I hesitated for a moment. I wondered what Gia would have me answer. Of course, she’d say I should tell Corey that I was single, even while deep inside, too far down for her to admit it to herself, she’d want me to feel otherwise.

  “I am,” I replied finally. “For now, at least. Guess I’m waiting for the right one.”

  “And you haven’t found her yet?” Corey leaned in a little, and I recalled Leo saying that Corey and his wife were matchmakers.

  I had to be truthful, even if it raised more questions. “I’m not sure. But even if I know who she is, one thing I am sure about is that she isn’t ready for me yet. I’m biding my time.”

  Corey grinned and slapped my back. “Good man. The right one is worth waiting for.” He turned his head to stare at Leo. “Am I right, Taylor?”

  Leo made a wry comment, agreeing even as he noted that getting the girl on the same page wasn’t easy. A few minutes later, his cell phone buzzed, and his face lit up like Christmas morning, letting all of us know exactly who was texting him. I was slightly jealous of him then; even if Leo was going through torture now, with Quinn a continent away, at least she knew how he felt about her, and he knew she loved him. They had a real shot at making it work. I didn’t have the same confidence for my own situation.

  We left the bar in enough time to head to the restaurant where we were supposed to meet Corey’s wife Ellie for dinner. Corey drove us all over, and Leo and I ended up in the backseat, ignored by the other two who were deep in a conversation about some video game that was their current obsession.

  “So. Don’t think I didn’t notice that little hesitation in there, Durham. You holding out on us? You got a woman back home?”

  I shrugged. “I’ve been seeing someone, but it’s strictly friendship right now. I hope it’s going to be more, but I’ve been wishing for more from this woman for a long time. Since I met her.”

  “Really?” He pinioned me with a curious glance. “Anyone I know? Someone from Carolina?”

  I shifted on the leather seat. “I’m not at liberty to say. I’ve promised her that I’d keep it quiet.”

  Leo frowned. “So she is someone I know. Tate, man . . . listen. I’m not going to ask you to break a confidence. I know you, and I know you play everything straight. But if the person you’re talking about is the same one I’m thinking of, just be careful, okay? There’s a lot of messy shit there, and I probably don’t even know half of it.”

  “I hear you.” I didn’t want to say anything that would confirm or deny Leo’s suspicions. “I’m doing my best to do the right thing. That’s all I can tell you now.”

  He gave my shoulder a light punch. “If there was any man capable of doing the right thing in this situation, I’d put my money on you. And remember that I’m around if you need someone to listen. God knows, you’ve listened to me whine over the years.”

  “It’s been a privilege, dude.” I cleared my throat. “So, are you seriously thinking about starting up your own charity?” Back at the bar, Leo had seemed to be very interested in the benefit work I’d done while I was still playing for New York. It seemed like a much safer topic than my pseudo-relationship with Gia.

  “Real subtle there with the change of subject.” Leo shook his head, smirking. “But yes, I am. And actually, my idea might also benefit the person we’re not talking about.”

  I wasn’t sure where he was going with this. “Okay . . . what exactly do you have in mind?”

  Leo rolled his shoulder. “I’ve wanted to come up with some way to honor Matt’s memory. I know that he wasn’t your favorite person, and I’m the first one to admit he was an asshole most of the time. But he also had an addiction, a sickness, and some mental and emotional issues that made it all worse. I’ve got to think there are other kids like him out there, kids who’re at risk. Maybe if someone had gotten real with Matt earlier, he might’ve had a chance. Maybe if I can set up something that could help another kid, I could find some peace about him.” He met my eyes levelly. “And doing that could help . . . other people, too.”

  I wanted to tell Leo that I fucking hated this idea. I was doing everything in my power to erase the memory of Matt Lampert from Gia’s mind. I worked damn hard to make her forget him and how much he’d hurt her. Why the hell would I want her to be involved in anything that honored him or made him sound like some sort of tragic hero?

  As if he could hear my thoughts, Leo spoke again. “There’s still some guilt to resolve, Tate. Some of it is based on nothing but the regret of what could have been, but some of it is . . . more. Some of it plays on repeat whenever we close our e
yes.” I heard the sadness and frustration in his voice. “Nothing is going to change that overnight, but there’s a chance that doing something positive could help ease the pain and guilt.”

  “Maybe you’re right.” I still wasn’t convinced, but then again, this wasn’t my decision to make. “But I’ll tell you the same thing you told me. Be careful. Don’t push if she’s not ready for this yet.”

  “I won’t. I promise.” Leo ran one hand through his hair. “And Tate, you know, buddy, it’s not just her I’m worried about. If she—uh, this person I’m thinking about—is someone who you think you could care for seriously, you have to be aware that she could mess you up, too. This could all implode, and the fallout would be just as dangerous to you. I don’t want to see anyone get hurt. So try not to get in too deep too soon, okay?”

  I twisted my mouth and lifted one shoulder, glancing out the window at the lights rushing by. “Sure, Leo. I hear you.”

  I knew he was just looking out for me—and for Gia—but the truth was that I was pretty sure it was already too late for that kind of caution.

  Then

  “Hey, baby.” Matt met me at the door to his dorm room, and I had a major flashback to the first time I’d come down with Quinn to see Leo . . . which had been the start of my crazy non-relationship with Matt Lampert.

  Now I gave him a cursory once-over and then turned to flash a high wattage smile at his roommate. “Hey, Leo! How’re you doing?”

  “Great, Gia. Good to see you.” He gave me a quick hug and then hiked his duffel bag over his shoulder. “Quinn’s out front?”

  “Yep.” I nodded. “She’s waiting for you in the fire lane, and she said to hurry so she doesn’t get a ticket. I’ll see you later on tonight, right? At the party?”

  “Yeah, I guess.” Leo grimaced. “The last thing I want to do on a weekend my girl’s here is hang out with football players, but I made the commitment.” His eyes flickered between Matt and me. “If you need anything, Gia, call or text us. We can always pick you up on our way.”

  “She doesn’t need a ride. She’s going with me.” Matt’s voice was tight, and my stomach turned over, even while my blood boiled. I hated when he acted like he owned me, especially since he was the one who always reminded me that we weren’t dating. We were casual. That was his favorite phrase.

  Leo shrugged, sketched a wave in my direction and took off down the hall. Matt closed the door behind him and stared me down.

  “What the hell was that? You come here, and you pay more attention to Leo than to me? What the fuck, Gia?”

  I shrugged and looked away. “What do you expect from me, Matt? We’re not together. I’d say we’re friends with benefits, but God knows we’re not friends. Half the time, I don’t even like you. So don’t get all over me for not gushing over you.”

  He advanced on me then, and despite my bravado, I found myself taking a step backward, until my heel hit the wall behind me. Matt braced one hand above my head.

  “Is this because I didn’t call you last week? Or answer a text, or some bullshit like that? Is that why you’re acting like a girl?”

  I lifted my chin. “Newsflash, Lampert. I am a girl. And fuck you. I don’t sit around waiting for you any more than you do for me. I have a life, you know.”

  “Uh huh. But when you come down here, it’s to see me. It’s to hang out with me. And it’s to fuck me.” He lowered one hand to curl around my neck. “Or better yet, for me to fuck you. I’m thinking that’s exactly what you need right now. A good pounding to help you take the edge off.”

  I wanted to push him away, call him an asshole and leave. I wanted to stomp out of the room. I wanted to be strong enough to tell him no and leave.

  But I wasn’t. So instead, I raised my eyes to him, hoping he read strength and disinterest there, and not apprehension.

  “Turn around and face the wall, Gia.” Matt’s voice was raspy. “And raise that little skirt that I know you wore just for me. Lift it up and out of my way.”

  Hating myself even as I did it, I obeyed, pressing my flushed cheek against the cool plaster wall. I reached down and gathered the loose material of my skirt into my hands, pulling it up until my ass was uncovered. Matt’s fingers skimmed over the revealed skin, tracing the thong I wore. I felt the movement of air and then his hands were prying my legs apart. His breath was hot on my thigh, and I relaxed just a little before yelping in pain when he pinched me hard.

  “Open your legs, Gia. Spread them wide.”

  I choked back a small sob and eased my legs apart. Immediately, his fingers were there, pushing into me, pushing in the narrow strip of lace that covered me there, too. It hurt a little, but the pain was exciting. I hummed a little and ground against his hand.

  “You want to pretend that you’re outraged and better than this, but you’re not. You’re not any better than I am, Gia, because you like this. You want me to treat you like shit. You want me to be rough. You like it hard and you like me to be in charge. You’re holding back right now from coming so hard against my hand.”

  Tears leaked from the corners of my eyes. God, I wished he wasn’t right, but I was so turned on that I knew the next move of his fingers would set me off. Matt knew it, too, which was why he withdrew his fingers and pushed me harder against the wall. I heard the sound of his zipper going down, and then I felt the blunt head of his dick probing against me.

  “Condom, Matt. Condom.” I whimpered the words. It was something I knew I could never be lax about; rubbers were the only form of birth control I could tolerate. I’d gone on the pill in high school and gotten so sick that I’d missed a week of school. I had the same reaction to any kind of hormone, which made implants and shots out of the question. I hadn’t tried an IUD, because it felt extreme and invasive, but it occurred to me fleetingly that if this—whatever it was—with Matt continued, I might have to consider it more seriously. Trusting him wasn’t something I could see happening any time soon.

  “Fuck.” He wasn’t happy for the interruption—and probably wasn’t thrilled that he had to bow to something that was important to me—but he fumbled in a nearby drawer, and when I glanced over my shoulder, I saw him ripping open a packet.

  And then he was surging into me without any further prelude. His cock filled me, and I lost my breath for a minute, my fingers digging against the glassy-smooth paint on the wall. Matt’s fingers were bruisingly-tight on my hips as he slammed into me, and the words he muttered were growled and unintelligible.

  I tried to ground my feet into the floor, because his motion was making my head bang into the wall—not hard, but enough that it was distracting me.

  “Don’t. Move.” Matt’s lips were against my ear. “Don’t fucking move at all.” With one quick move, he gripped both of my hands and held my wrists behind me so that I felt even more off-balance. I knew he didn’t care; at this point, all he wanted was his own pleasure.

  I should have been pissed, and I should have wrenched my arms free. But my own climax was building, and so I screwed my eyes closed and let it happen. I let the orgasm grip me, gasping as it pulled me tumbling over the edge of reason.

  Matt circled one arm around my waist and pushed himself into me one final time, pulsing as he grunted. I held still until he finished, and then I let out a long breath. He withdrew and left me standing there, listening to the sound of his footsteps stalking to the bathroom.

  Slowly I turned around, my skirt fluttering into place. I rested my back against the wall, waiting for my pulse to come down into normal range and trying to regroup.

  Matt walked back into the room, closing the bathroom door behind him. He barely spared me a glance before he stopped to pick up his phone and scroll his finger over the screen.

  “We need to leave for the party in ten minutes. You might want to fix your hair. You’re kind of a mess.”

  I swallowed over the lump that had risen in my throat. “I’m going to call Quinn and ride over with them. I think I’ve spent enough time with you.
”

  “No.” He didn’t even sound upset, just bored. “I said I’m taking you.”

  “Yeah, well, you’re not.” I found my bag where it had dropped on the floor by the door and dug out my phone. Willing my fingers not to shake, I hit Quinn’s name and waited for her to pick up.

  “I said, I’ll take you.” Matt now sounded irritated.

  On the other end of the line, Quinn picked up, her voice more than a little distracted. “Gia? Everything okay?”

  “Yeah, but I was wondering if you and Leo would mind picking me up. I mean, when you get a chance.”

  She was silent for a moment, and I heard Leo in the background, talking. Quinn sighed into the phone. “We’ll be there in ten minutes. Can you wait downstairs, so we don’t have to park?”

  “Yes, I’ll be there. Thanks.” I hit the end button and picked up my bag, looping the straps over my shoulder as I walked to the door.

  “You’re a fucking crazy person, you know that?” Matt yelled. “Jesus, Gia. Stop being so dramatic.”

  I didn’t say anything; I just shut the door behind me and half-ran to the steps, nearly blinded by the tears filling my eyes.

  The party that night was to celebrate the birthday of one of the football players. Leo and Quinn had been reluctant to go, and none of us wanted to stay very long, particularly after Matt arrived, already wasted, a girl under each arm, and made a point of ignoring me—although I noticed he got more physical with the girls whenever I was nearby.

  I hated that I was going to ruin Quinn and Leo’s night together by crashing in their hotel room, instead of staying in the dorms with Matt as originally planned, but Quinn insisted that it was fine. We got back to the hotel before midnight, and Leo amused us by pretending to be wildly enthusiastic about his first slumber party. He found a corny horror flick on the TV and proceeded to provide us with the blow-by-blow commentary on each scene.