Love & Ruin (The Love & Ruin Series Book 1)

by J. A. Owenby

  His jaw flexed as he listened.

  “Ada Lynn is my best friend,” I said, smiling sadly. “She’s eighty-three, but she was the light during my darkest days. I miss her so much.” I leaned back in the booth and stared at the ceiling, fighting the tears again. I took a deep breath and continued.

  “Right after I had the baby, no one could get me out of bed. I was hormonal, and I’d carried a child who I was afraid of, but I’d felt him kicking and growing inside me. I didn’t know how to handle it all. A part of me loved him and marveled at how my body protected and nourished him. And a part of me hated him. It was too much under the circumstances. Anyway, Ada Lynn got her cane one day and walked right into my room without knocking. She stopped short when she saw me. My hair hadn’t been washed or brushed in weeks, my room smelled like someone had died in it. And in a way I had, but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. She hauled me out of bed and got me into a shower, clothes and all. I stood there motionless, letting her lean on the shower door washing and conditioning my hair. She left me alone under the spray, and as she was about to leave, she turned to me and said, ‘You get your butt up tomorrow, make your bed, and come over to my house. We don’t have to talk, and I expect nothing from you except for you to show up and be clean. That’s all you have to do.’ And she left.”

  A slow grin broke through his serious features. “Wow. I like her already.”

  “I miss her so much. She—she saved me. I was suicidal, and she became this strong, stable force of tough love. And for whatever reason, I did what she told me to. It was just enough to not push me over the edge, but got me moving toward living again, no matter how little of a life it was.”

  “I had someone like that, too. Janice and Mac.” Hendrix paused for a moment and took a bite of his burger. “I realize you’re processing a shit load of information right now, but please take a few bites of your hamburger. For me. When you let me hold you earlier today, it was the first time I noticed how tiny you are. You need to eat more,” he said, smiling.

  I could feel the rush of heat with his comment. No one else knew my size other than Mac and my family in Louisiana. Hell, I didn’t even know what size I really wore. I always reached for the baggiest, blandest colored clothes I could find to hide behind.

  I cut my burger in half and managed to take a bite. Although I wasn’t hungry, I had to admit it was delicious.

  “Oh my God, this is so good,” I said, covering my mouth with my hand and chewing.

  “It’s these little Ma and Pa places that have the best food,” he said, chuckling at my reaction. “I can’t tell you how amazing it is to see your eyes,” he said softly, looking at me as if for the first time.

  My focus dropped down to my food, realizing I’d unveiled myself to him after he’d accepted my past. It would take some time to adjust to him really seeing me.

  “The green tint to the glasses hid them well. I have to say it was a bit difficult getting used to them. Everything looked different, and when it was dark, I really struggled to see. They did the job, though. They kept me concealed so no one could really see my expression or what I was thinking.”

  “Which was what you wanted.”

  “Yeah, until now.” I dared a glance at him.

  He flashed that damned beautiful smile at me and my stomach flipped.

  “Why?” I asked, taking another bite of my burger.

  He took a long drink of his water and waited for me to chew.

  “Why me, Hendrix? Like, we’re beyond all the bullshit. We’ve crawled into the darkest places of our lives with each other, and we’re still here. You knew nothing about me the first time you sat down at my library table, and I told you to leave. Why did you come back?”

  A smile pulled at the corner of his mouth as he wiped his hands with his napkin and leaned forward, taking my hand.

  “The first time I saw you, I didn’t realize you were running from Brandon. I’d have beaten his ass right then, but you fell apart in front of me, so raw, so broken. You didn’t stay down, though. After a minute, you got to your feet, held your head high, and walked back to the front of the building. This quiet strength took over, and I’ve not been able to forget you since.”

  “Oh, I’d almost forgotten you were behind the library when I had my meltdown,” I whispered, embarrassed again.

  “I saw all your vulnerability at that moment, Gem. You left me breathless and inspired the song we’re now singing together.”

  “What?” I screeched. My hands covered my face as I sank into my seat. “What the hell, Hendrix?” I asked, peeking between my fingers.

  When he chuckled, I dropped my hands and sighed.

  “I don’t care about what you wear, or the stupid hat and stuff. It’s just stuff. It’s you I saw that day, your heart, your strength, and I had to know who you were.”

  “Hendrix, I—” I swallowed against the tears that threatened. “I’ve never been with anyone before.”

  Silence hung between us as he reached across the table for my hand again.

  “I don’t care about any of that. Look at me,” he said.

  My gaze traveled slowly from my plate of food and up to him. My stomach clenched in anticipation of what he might say.

  “I want you to feel safe with me. I’d never hurt you, ever.”

  I nodded. “I understand now.”

  His thumb traced circles on the back of my hand. His expression softened, and he took a deep breath.

  “What is it?” I asked, still afraid he was going to tell me I was a freak, leave me at the restaurant, and make me find my own way back to campus.

  He brought my palm to his mouth, kissing it tenderly.

  “Just...just tell me how to be there for you,” he said.

  Chapter 15

  “I—I,” I stammered like an idiot. How could I answer him when even I didn’t know?

  “Don’t say anything, Gem. Please, just let me in. Don’t push me away anymore.”

  Dumbfounded, all I could do was nod. How had I managed to find this man with such a beautiful soul? I’d never imagined a guy could be compassionate and gentle, but strong and tough when he needed to be.

  “I have a few more questions before we get back on the road. And, honestly, I might have more later.”

  “I know, and I’ll do my best to share things with you. This is the first time I’m talking about it, Hendrix.”

  “Thank you. Thank you for trusting me.”

  “Well, you can thank your sister, too. We wouldn’t be sitting here together if it weren’t for Mac. She’s your biggest fan and your best friend. I want you to know how much she really loves you and would do anything for her big brother.”

  “And I would for her, too.”

  “What did you want to ask?” I stifled a yawn as I relaxed in the booth, the food settling in my tummy.

  “Your son. Why did you want to see him now? Are you thinking of trying to get him back?”

  A slow, smothering grief seeped back into me.

  “The evening I was thinking about leaving for Spokane, my parents received some mail that really upset them. After a little snooping, I found it. The letter contained Jordan’s school information and a picture. The adopted mother offered to let me see him. She realized how young I was and wanted to let me know there was an option to meet him if I ever changed my mind. When I learned they were in Seattle, I considered it since I’d be closer. Other than the picture, I’ve never seen him before, and I was curious. Whether he’s in my life or not, he’s still a part of me. Then yesterday you said you had a car. I knew I had a way there if you’d agree to take me. Regardless of how scared I was, I trusted you enough to share the past.”

  I took a sip of my water before I continued.

  “After the pregnancy results, I struggled for a long time with what was right or wrong. How, as a mother, I was supposed to feel about my child. I couldn’t live with the fact that one part of me hated him while the other part of me loved him. It was like I had two
personalities. I made the right decision, though. I could never love him the way he deserves to be loved. Every time I looked into his eyes, I’d wonder if he looked like the man who stole my innocence. Today he appeared happy and healthy, and I understood how love can heal brokenness. I choose to believe the laughing little redheaded boy I saw on the playground today has a good life and needs to stay there. So after seeing him for the first time, and telling you the whole story, I’m at peace with my decision.”

  Hendrix nodded, and a beat of silence filled the space between us.

  “I won’t pretend to understand what you went through, but Gem, if you ever change your mind and want to see him—I’ll help you.”

  I drew in a sharp breath. I had no response for him. It was too much to process right now, and I needed to change the subject before I broke down again.

  “Why are you calling me Gem all of a sudden?”

  “Because even in the darkness you radiate beauty from the inside out.”

  I’d never flushed as profoundly as when those words left his mouth.

  Sensing it was time to go, he stood and held his hand out to me.

  “I’m going to use the restroom and pay for the food before we continue toward home.”

  “Excellent idea. I will too,” I said, grateful for a minute to myself.

  Afterward, I found him waiting at the front door for me. He smiled as he opened it, and we walked into the evening air.

  “How long until we’re back in Spokane?” I asked, exhaustion suddenly claiming me.

  “About three and a half hours,” he responded, gently brushing my hair over my shoulder before opening my car door for me.

  I paused for a minute, glancing up at him.

  “Thank you,” I said.

  His eyes were dark with need while his fingertips trailed down my cheek.

  “Can I kiss you?”

  “Yes, please.”

  His mouth swept over mine, kissing me tenderly. I hesitated, feeling shy, but when his fingers twisted through my hair, I grabbed hold of the front of his shirt and pulled him closer. My lips parted. His tongue gently caressed mine. Heat flooded my body, unlike anything I’d ever experienced before. My hand traveled lightly up his chest, my palm flattening against the muscle. His heart that was beating as hard as mine. He moaned softly into my mouth while his hand protectively moved up my back. Flashes of the awful night, of a stranger’s hands on my body, blasted through my bliss, and I quickly broke our kiss.

  “Are you all right?” he asked breathlessly.

  “Can you be patient with me? You’re the only guy I’ve been with since the...the rape,” I managed. “I want to kiss you and be with you, but sometimes the memories barge in, and I need to see your face and recognize where I am.”

  “Gemma, I’ll never rush you. You feeling safe is my main priority.”

  “You’re sure? I mean, you’ve been with other girls and—”

  “Stop, this isn’t the same. You’re not other girls so don’t compare yourself to my past. Ever.”

  “Okay, thank you.” The way he had managed this whole situation filled me with gratitude.

  He kissed the top of my head, and I slid into the passenger’s seat and closed the door. In no time at all, we were back on the interstate.

  I reached for his hand this time.

  “What’s going through your mind?” I asked him.

  A sad smile eased across his handsome features. “I’m just concerned about you.”

  “Under the circumstances, I’m doing great. I suspect my moods will be pretty up and down for a while. I hope you can deal with me.”

  “Don’t even give it a second thought. I’d be surprised if you weren’t up and down some,” he replied. “Now that I can see your eyes, I can tell you’re exhausted.”

  I shot him a dirty glance, and he responded with a low chuckle. “You’re beautiful, but even the beautiful get tired, Gem. Go to sleep. It’s almost eight, so it shouldn’t throw off your normal sleep schedule for the rest of the night.”

  “Shit!” I squealed. I released his hand and dug for my phone in my pocket. I’d powered it off when we’d left for Seattle, not wanting to be disturbed. I pushed the button, the phone glowing back to life. Five missed calls and ten texts from Mac.

  “I didn’t tell Mac where I was, and she’s probably freaking the hell out.” I didn’t even bother to read or listen to the messages. Instead, I tapped her number on my screen.

  “Oh. My. Fucking. God. You scared the shit out of me. I thought Brandon had drugged you and carried you off somewhere leaving you for dead!”

  I held the phone away from my ear and cringed. Mac may as well have been on speakerphone, her voice was so loud. I shot a look at Hendrix who was stifling a laugh.

  “Not funny,” I mouthed at him, waiting to get a word in with Mac.

  The moment she paused and took a breath, I jumped in.

  “I’m so so so sorry. My phone was turned off, and I’ll tell you why when I’m back. I’m safe and have been with Hendrix today. I’m sorry I scared you.”

  “Oh, my God. You’ve been at my brother’s place gettin’ some love haven’t you?”

  “What?” I screeched at her.

  I held the phone away from my ear again, and my attention snapped to Hendrix. “You have your own place?” I squeaked.

  “Yeah, I do,” he replied, nonchalantly.

  “Why didn’t you tell me this?”

  “You would have run the moment the words left my mouth, and I would have lost you. You weren’t ready. Thanks, Mac!” he yelled, frowning.

  “Wait, you’re still with him?” Mac asked, incredulous.

  “Yeah, and we’re on our way back from Seattle. It’s been a really long day, Mac.”

  “Girl, you’ve got some serious explaining to do. And Seattle? Like seriously? You couldn’t have bothered to tell your bestie last night when we were plotting escape routes? Instead you hop in the car and spend eight hours alone with him? Does that even make any sense? No. Not. One. Crazy. Ass. Bit.”

  Hendrix’s eyebrows rose.

  “Mac, calm down, he can hear every word you're saying through the phone, and I don’t even have you on speaker. Please, I’ll explain everything when I’m there. I promise.”

  She sighed and lowered her voice. “Let’s be clear that not only have you managed to scare the ever-living shit out of me, now that I know you’re safe and with my brother, I’m pissed. So it’s a good thing it will take you a while to get here. I might be calm by that time, but I can’t promise anything,” she said, her tone clipped.

  I chewed my lip, feeling like total shit for upsetting her.

  “I understand, and you can yell at me all you need to when I get there,” I replied.

  “No, you won’t yell at her. You need to listen, Mac. No yelling. She’s been through enough today,” Hendrix said toward the phone.

  I felt my cheeks flush hot with his protective words.

  “Tell him no promises, he’s on my shit list right now, too.”

  I moved the phone away from my ear and began to repeat what she said, but he interrupted me.

  “I heard,” he said, grinning. “She’ll be fine, don’t worry about it, okay?”

  I nodded.

  “See you soon,” I said, dreading having to calm her down. I got it, though. I’d have been scared out of my mind if it had been the other way around. I ended the call and sighed.

  “I screwed up,” I muttered.

  “Gem, I know Mac, and the moment she sees you without your hat and glasses, she’ll have a million questions about it.”

  I laughed. “Let’s hope so. I just want her to be okay.”

  He raised my hand, his soft lips pressing into the back of it.

  “She will be, promise. Now try and rest, because you won’t get any sleep tonight with Mac.”

  “Ugh, you’re right. I’ll try.”

  I leaned back in the seat and took a deep breath, focusing only on the strength in
Hendrix’s hand as he held mine.

  * * *

  Not surprisingly, I slept the entire way back to the dorm.

  “Gem,” Hendrix said gently. “We’re back.”

  My head rolled against the seat, and I peered at him through sleep filled eyes. My heart two-stepped with happiness at his face being the first thing I saw when I woke up. I liked it.

  “Hi,” I said, smiling.

  “Hey,” he said, smiling in return and brushing my hair back. “I love being able to do that, touch your hair. Please don’t ever put the hat on again. At least not around me.”

  I nodded. “It’s time to hang up the hat and glasses,” I said timidly. It was a big step for me, and I’d no longer be able to hide behind them, but at least with him and Mac, I no longer needed to.

  I leaned forward, his breath tickling my cheek as I played with the ends of his thick, dark hair laying against his shoulder. “I’ve wanted to do that from the first moment I saw you,” I whispered, heated tension filling the small space between us. “And this.” My hand slipped around the back of his neck, twirling strands of his soft hair around my fingers. “It’s almost like...” I hesitated for a moment, my gaze flicking up to meet his. “The night we sang together, my heart split wide open, and you stepped right inside of it. It’s like you’re running through my veins. Warm, safe, flowing through every part of me, my heart beating again because of you.”

  “Jesus,” he growled, his breathing shallow. “You’re going to undo me.”

  I tilted my chin up, barely touching my lips to his while my hand continued to thread through his hair. He groaned when our lips met and parted, our tongues moving slowly together. His gentle touch on my neck sent shivers through my body, and for the first time, my core ached for him.

  A pulsing need spread through me as his hand trailed down my spine. I arched into him, my fingers lightly traveling down his neck, his shoulder, and his chest. His hard muscles flexed beneath my touch as he continued to kiss me. Every moment with him turned into something magical, something more profound than I’d ever felt before.

  He broke our kiss and placed his forehead against mine.