Love & Ruin (The Love & Ruin Series Book 1)

by J. A. Owenby

  “Better?” he asked.

  “Much,” I replied, laughing.

  Life had changed so much in the few months since I’d left Louisiana. It was almost as though by leaving, I’d begun to shed my past like a cocoon.

  “I love you,” he said, tilting my chin up.

  “Love you, too,” I said softly before he kissed me.

  “As much as I don’t want to say this, it’s after nine, and you should probably call Mac. I’ll make us some breakfast while you do.”

  I groaned and slapped my hands against my forehead. “What am I going to tell her? She’s going to have a million and one questions. I don’t talk about─this,” I said, pointing between us. “It’s private.”

  He chuckled. “Mac and I have talked and shared a lot, but I’m with you on this one. She knows we’re together, but it doesn’t mean you have to give her details.”

  My cheeks flushed at the thought of even attempting to answer her questions. “Maybe I’ll just text her that I’ll be home later today. If you have time, I’d love to see outside again now that we have daylight.”

  “Anything you want,” he said. “I’ll give you one of my shirts since you don’t have anything else here except your dress. Maybe that should change?” he asked, eyeing me.

  “What? You want me to keep some clothes here?”

  He shrugged. “Why not? I have this big closet and plenty of drawer space. The nights you stay over, you don’t have to worry about packing an overnight bag. You’ll already have stuff here. We can keep it simple and spontaneous.”

  “Simple? I’m not sure this is simple, Hendrix.”

  “I know,” he said, kissing the palm of my hand. “Sometimes it’s less scary if we just say it is. And technically, because you like to think things through at every angle, keeping a few things here isn’t any different than if you packed a bag to bring. It’s easier not to have to think about it, and if we end up here, you’re already prepared.”

  “Guess it is simpler when you put it that way.”

  “Yup,” he said, grinning.

  “I need to find a doctor, too. I can’t get pregnant. I’m not sure if I’ll ever want kids, but especially not right now.”

  Hendrix’s eyebrow arched, and sadness flickered across his features. “Never?” he asked, his voice hoarse with emotion.

  “I’m not sure,” I said, propping up on my elbow. “Honestly, I never wanted any to begin with. Hendrix, this is all too new for me to make any life-changing decisions in this moment.”

  “Yeah,” he said, his attention drifting away from mine. He sat up on the side of the bed, his shoulders slumping.

  “Hendrix,” I said, my hand gently rubbing his back. “I love you, but that’s the only thing I can say for certain right now.”

  “I know,” he said, reaching for my other hand. “I think about it sometimes, what a life would be like with you. Would we have brown haired or red-headed babies? Obviously they’d have blue eyes, but—”

  I kissed his shoulder. “I’m only nineteen, and I’ve lost so many years. I need to learn to adjust to all the changes. To you. Don’t give up on the idea, but I can’t talk about it right now either. We’re so new—” I said, my words trailing off.

  He turned toward me, sadness flickering through his eyes. “I realize we’re new, Gem. But I want you to know, you’re the first woman I’ve met that I could see myself with long-term.”

  “Really?” I gasped. I’d never considered the future or anything long-term after the pregnancy. I couldn’t see past all the pain.

  He nodded. Suddenly, a ball of emotion exploded inside of me. I couldn’t think about it right now, a future with him.

  I hopped off the bed, wrapped a blanket around my naked body, and made a mad dash to his bathroom.

  He swore as I closed the door on him and locked it. Without asking, I turned on his shower. Startled, I stepped back while the water shot out of multiple shower heads. I dropped the blanket and stepped into the warm stream and let it ease my mind. Scanning the ornate tile of his colossal shower, I wondered if we were too different to make this work.

  He came from money, I came from brokenness. A tear slipped down my cheek as I placed my hands on the shower wall and shut out everything around me. Inhaling the steam, my mind flipped through every moment I’d had with him. Never had he treated me differently for my insistence on wearing baggy clothes, tinted glasses, and hat. He’d stood up to Brandon for me more than once. He’d even asked me out before my physical transformation, but most of all, he’d loved me while I relived the darkest time of my life and shared my past with him. How could I not love him? And we had our entire life to plan our future, kids or no kids, what we wanted to do, where we wanted to live. None of it was relevant now, only him. Only us.

  After analyzing everything while I washed my hair, I concluded I wanted to be with him. I loved him, and nothing else in this world mattered.

  Twenty minutes later, I stepped out of his shower, grabbed a towel from the rack, and dried off. Maybe I was just tired, or I was on overload, but after the shower, I felt calmer. Wrapping the plush fabric around me, I unlocked the door and stepped into his bedroom. He wasn’t there, though. My bare feet padded on the silky soft carpet, down the stairs, and toward the smell of breakfast. He stood in the kitchen wearing only jeans, no shirt. He had his back to me, cooking.

  “Hey,” I said, “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t apologize, Gem,” he replied, turning toward me. “It was my fault. Sometimes I get so caught up in us, I forget this is your first relationship. You’ve come so far. I don’t want to ever be the person to send you flailing backward again.”

  “I know,” I said softly. “I love you, and now that I realize you can also cook, I’m in even more trouble,” I said, smiling. “I’m starving.”

  “Me too. And, as much as I’d like to see you walking around in my towel all day, I should find you a shirt and some sweats or something.” He moved the pan off the stove and rounded the counter.

  His hands cupped my chin, tilting my head up toward him. “I’m so glad you’re here,” he said, kissing me.

  He took my hand and led me to his walk-in closet. We laughed when his initial choices seemed to swallow me, but soon I was snuggled up in one of his long-sleeved T-shirts and sweats. They were still way too big, but thank God for an elastic waist and a drawstring. We sat down at his table and enjoyed our first breakfast together.

  “You’re all of my firsts,” I said, stopping mid-chew.

  His gaze traveled up from his food to me while he reached for my hand.

  “I’m honored,” he said. “You’re my first, too.”

  My brows raised. “Uh, I don’t want any details, but it’s obvious you’ve slept with other women. Which hopefully means you took them out on a date, too. So I don’t really see how I’m your first for anything.”

  “I’ve never been in love before,” he said, placing his fork down on the side of his plate.

  “You haven’t?” I asked.

  “No. I’ve never felt anything remotely close to it. I think after I lost Kendra—” He hesitated for a minute. “I didn’t think I could really take care of someone or protect them like I should.”

  “No, it’s not true,” I said, shaking my head. “You’ve already protected me from Brandon, and you’ve protected Mac, too. Kendra wasn’t your fault.”

  “I shouldn’t have left her alone, and I find the same fear is creeping in again. I’m afraid to leave you, afraid I’ll fail you, too.”

  Tears formed in my eyes as I scooted my chair back, walked over to him, and slid into his lap. His arms wrapped around my waist.

  “No one can be with me twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Not you, not Mac, no one. And this is something I think we all need to work on together, Hendrix. I need to feel safe, Mac needs to feel safe, and you need to know we’re okay when we’re not with you. And if it wasn’t Brandon, it would be someone else. If I could, the one gift I’d
give every woman, every girl, is a way to protect herself—” My voice trailed off, and I leaned my forehead against his. “This is what I do know, we’re stronger together. You’ve given me the gift of life again, and no one else has been able to do that.”

  He searched my face, “When you leave, just come back to me,” he whispered.

  “Always.” Even as the words left my mouth, even with everything I’d lived through, I knew there was no real way I could promise him tomorrow. There were never guarantees.

  Chapter 25

  A little after five o'clock, I swung the door open and cringed, waiting for the rapid fire of questions from Mac. Instead, I found her sitting in the corner of her bed, studying.

  “Hey,” she smiled and gave me a small wave.

  “Hey?” I asked, stepping in and sliding off my heels. I changed into some boyfriend jeans and a long-sleeved green flannel shirt and flopped down on the side of her bed.

  “How’s it going?”

  “Good,” she said, glancing up at me. “You?”

  “Fine,” I said cautiously. What was happening? This certainly wasn’t what I’d anticipated. “Well, I’ve got some studying to do before classes tomorrow.”

  “Me too,” she replied, not looking up from her book.

  Unsure of what was up with her, I grabbed my books off my desk and settled on my bed to study. I was flipping through my playlists when a text flashed on my screen.

  I hate being away from you.

  I grinned, keeping my head down, my hair enclosing me in a small blanket of privacy while I texted Hendrix back.

  I miss you already, too.

  How’s Mac?

  Strange.

  I hit send, and my fingers tapped the keyboard on my screen.

  She’s acting like I didn’t spend the night with you. She didn’t ask a single question.

  What? Is she sick? Did you check her for a fever?

  I muffled my giggle and glanced over at her.

  No. I’ve never seen her like this, so I’m not sure what to do other than act like it’s not a big deal.

  It’s a huge deal. You own my heart.

  I chewed on my bottom lip with his last text.

  I meant Mac being a big deal. LOL. I promise I’ll take care of your heart, though. I love you.

  I can’t take this anymore. Not being with you is awful. I’m coming to get you.

  My eyes widened. He’d only dropped me off at the dorm twenty minutes ago. I knew what he meant. I ached for him in every way possible when he wasn’t with me.

  I wish I could be with you tonight, but I have to study, or I’ll flunk out and have to go back to Louisiana.

  That doesn’t work for me. Guess I won’t see you tonight. If you change your mind, let me know and I’ll be there in a few minutes.

  Smiling, I tapped out my reply and then set my phone down. Not a minute later, Mac’s phone vibrated. She grabbed it off her desk and strolled out of the room, never saying a word.

  “Shit,” I muttered. This wasn’t how I figured she’d take the news of Hendrix and me at all. Was she jealous? Upset? I couldn’t figure her out. I sighed and leaned against the wall, crossed my ankles, and forced myself to focus. My thoughts ping-ponged between Mac and Hendrix, though.

  Flustered and unable to concentrate, I slammed my book shut, hopped off the bed and walked out the door. I stopped short when I located Mac, sitting at the top of the stairs, crying.

  “Mac?” I asked, running toward her. “Hey, what’s wrong?” I sat next to her and put my arm around her shoulders.

  “Asher,” she wailed. “He’s getting married!”

  “Oh Mac, I’m so sorry. I’ve been in my own world and never even realized you still had feelings for him.”

  “It’s okay,” Mac said, wiping her nose. “I usually talk to Hendrix about him, but he was busy last night so—” She attempted a smile at me through her tears.

  “You can talk to me now, too. I’m okay. Well, better at least.”

  “Yeah? That’s good, right?” she asked, tilting her head.

  “Yes, it means I can be there more for my best friend when she needs me,” I said, squeezing her shoulder. “Come back in, tell me what’s going on, and then we’ll study together. My concentration is shit right now anyway.”

  “Tell me about it,” she said, rising.

  Back in our room, we settled on my bed, sitting Indian style and facing each other. I almost felt like a little kid again, hanging out with my best friend, Fae. I pushed the memories away and chided myself. Fae was no longer a part of my life. Now that I was older, I realized how horribly she’d treated me after the rape. This wasn’t about me, though. This was about Mac.

  “Deets,” I said, smiling at her.

  “It sounds funny when you say it,” she said, laughing through her tears. “Must be the southern drawl.”

  “Thanks, I’ll work on it.”

  “I got an email from him,” she said, her shoulders slumping. “Which brought back all kinds of emotions and shit, because he told me he still loves me, always will, and in the next sentence said he’s engaged,” she squealed.

  “What? He said he still loves you?”

  “Yes! Like what the fuck? Isn’t it bad enough he’s getting married without making it worse and telling me he still has feelings for me? Does he want me on the side?”

  “Well, I’m confused,” I said, pondering.

  “Makes two of us,” she said, twirling her braid around her finger.

  “If he still loves you, why is he marrying someone else?”

  “Daddy,” she said.

  My mouth formed an “O.” I had no clue how to respond, so I sat quietly, waiting for her to tell me more.

  “So, uh, you’re used to me sticking my foot in my mouth, but you’ve already figured out your boyfriend is seriously rich, right?”

  I shrugged and nodded, unsure of what it had to do with Asher.

  “Okay, so Hendrix’s dad, my ex-stepdad, has like a lotta, lotta, lotta money. He and Asher’s dad put together this ginormous deal and BAM, just like that, Asher’s dad pocketed millions and was now playing in the same circles. Like, even though ex-stepdad fell from grace, he never lost his money. It was still working for him in the background, so when he got his shit together and decided to be there for Hendrix, he bought him the house and car. Hendrix wanted a better relationship with him, but he figured he shouldn’t be stupid and turn the gifts down since life could change in like a nanosecond.”

  A grin spread across my face. There was my Mac, rambling on a million miles an hour.

  “What?” she asked, raising her hands in question.

  “I was worried about you earlier, but keep talking, I think it’s helping.”

  She eyed me and then continued. “Asher and I dated part of our sophomore year and all of our junior and senior year. Well, we split up once for a week, but it didn’t really count. Anyway, as I’ve mentioned before, he was my first, and I do mean my first, like Hendrix is yours."

  I flushed crimson red with her comment.

  “You’re gonna have to get over it because besties discuss this stuff,” she said, pointing at me. “And you look absolutely magnificent in that green shirt. It’s so nice to see you wearing some color and not those other drab clothes. Anyway, shit, where was I?”

  “Asher’s dad and the circles they ran in,” I reminded her.

  “Yes, so Asher’s dad introduced him to some super rich girl after we split up, but what Asher didn’t know was that there was another business deal going on with her dad.”

  “Oh,” I said, linking the pieces together. “So the marriage is a business deal? People do that shit?”

  “Girl, please, you’d be shocked at what happens behind the closed doors of the rich.”

  My eyebrows shot up.

  “So when is he getting married?” I asked.

  “This is the only part that made me feel any better, two years. Since they’re young, both dads want them to gradua
te, blah, blah, blah. It sounded like they’d get a mansion for their wedding gift, too. Ugh, what the hell?” she asked, falling backward on my bed and smacking her forehead with her palm.

  “Mac, have you talked to Hendrix yet? He knows everyone, right? What does he think?”

  “Yeah, he texted me. I talked to him when I stepped out of the room. I didn’t want to upset you.”

  Guilt washed over me. I’d not been a good friend to Mac. I needed to change that. She’d been nothing but amazing to me, holding me up when I didn’t think I could stand on my own two feet anymore.

  “No holding things back from me anymore. Besties talk about this stuff, right?” I asked, reminding her of her own words.

  “Yeah, we do. Anyway, I told him, between bawling my head off.”

  “What did he say?”

  “He told me a lot could happen in two years and maybe Asher would come to his senses and not let his father control him.”

  “Why did you two break up?” I asked gently.

  Mac stared up at the ceiling and back to me. “You and I have a lot in common, but at the same time not a lot in common.” She bit her lip. “I got pregnant.”

  “Mac!” I gasped, slapping my hands over my mouth. “You’ve never said anything about it.”

  “I couldn’t,” she whispered. “First, I didn’t know you, but obvi I do now. Second, there was serious hush money along with the abortion.”

  “Mac?” I cried. “Did you want the baby?”

  “No. I mean, I love Asher, but we were kids. And I swear it was in the water at the high school. I think I was the sixth girl that year to get preggers.”

  “So his dad stepped in and ended things?”

  “Yup. Neither Asher nor I wanted to split up. However, if it had gotten out that Asher knocked me up, Daddy was afraid it would tarnish his reputation and business.”

  “Ugh, such absolute shit,” I said, my jaw tensing with the injustice. “Is he why I’ve never seen you interested in anyone else?”

  Her nose wrinkled at me, “Yeah, I can’t get over him, and apparently he feels the same.”

  “I’m so sorry,” I said, taking her hand in mine. “I guess I lived behind my walls for so long I didn’t realize what other girls were going through, too. I know you said you didn’t want the baby, and I totally understand it. Believe me, I do, but it still changes you.”