by J. A. Owenby
“Please, baby, say something,” he pleaded, his eyes clouding with fear. “I can’t lose you.” His words caught in his throat. There was nothing I could say. I wasn’t sure I hadn’t lost myself tonight. This time, I wasn’t sure if anyone would be able to bring me back.
He laid me down again, carefully drying my skin. I stared at him, expressionless, while he covered me with his blankets and laid down next to me.
“Can you look at me?” he asked.
I knew I needed to give him something, but there wasn’t anything else to give him. Turning my head toward him, a tear slipped down my cheek. “No matter what, I love you,” I whispered, feeling nothing, but having enough comprehension to realize he needed some hope.
His head dropped to my shoulder, his body shaking with a deep breath. A few minutes later he glanced up at me, his eyes rimmed with red.
“Did he—Did that motherfucker—” His words trailed off, his jaw tightening, unable to finish his question.
I turned my head away from him, searching for any strength left inside me, even if it was from hatred.
“No,” I said, looking at him again.
Hendrix expelled a deep sigh, his head hanging down.
“But.”
His head snapped back up, fear flickering across his face.
“He slid his hand down the front of my dress and swore he’d find me and fuck me. He said he was watching me.”
The moment the words left my lips, anger shot through him. Hendrix hopped off the bed and paced across the room, his hands fisted, every vein in his arms and neck popping to attention. I’d never seen him so furious.
“I wasn’t there to protect you,” he whispered. “I didn’t protect you!” he roared.
I realized that even though what I’d experienced tonight was awful, there was one person who could bring me back, and he was standing in front of me. Grief split me in two as I watched him blame himself.
“No,” I said, holding the covers over me and sitting up in his bed. “No, it was my fault. I shouldn’t have sung with you tonight, I shouldn’t have bought different clothes, I shouldn’t—”
Hendrix rushed over to me and sat on the side of the bed, cupping my chin and turning my head toward him.
“Stop. This has nothing to do with your clothes or you performing on stage. Brandon is a sick bastard who gets his kicks from hurting people, women, in the worst way possible. We will figure this out. I’ll figure this out. For now, you’re back with me. I thought you’d slipped away from me for good.”
“Me too, but seeing you blame yourself, thinking you had failed me—Hendrix, you’re the only reason I’m even here. Every time I think I can’t go on or I’ve checked out inside myself, I somehow make it back to you. You know how to love me.”
“I love you so goddamned much,” he whispered.
“Promise me. Promise me you won’t blame yourself. Brandon is sneaky, he understands how to work around things, and he’s obviously watching me. For a little while, being with you, I was able to forget about him. I felt safe with you and Mac, but I should never have let my guard down.”
“I want to kiss you so bad. I don’t want to scare you, though.”
I glanced up. His eyes held so much love my heart skipped a beat. Leaning over, I kissed him.
“Would you hold me tonight?” I asked.
“Anything you need.”
* * *
I missed classes the next morning and so did Hendrix as he cooked me breakfast. I’d stepped out on the back deck, listening to the wild, yet calming sounds of the Spokane River rush by. A part of me wanted to immerse myself in the water, let the darkness surround me, and claim me. The old as well as the more recent demons pulled at me, taunted me to return to Louisiana, where I could hide. However, my heart was here in Spokane with Hendrix, and he would be the reason I’d push forward and stay.
He opened the sliding door and joined me.
“It’s freezing out here, but it’s beautiful,” he said, wrapping his arm around my waist and kissing the top of my head. “Can you eat?”
I nodded as he guided me into the house, grabbed a blue, green, and white Seattle Seahawks blanket from the closet, and draped it over my shoulders.
Nibbling mindlessly on the bacon, my thoughts drifted back to last night.
“I need to buy a pregnancy test. My period is late, and I was so caught up in preparing for the performance I hadn’t realized it.”
His shoulders and arms tensed, his forkful of omelet hovering in mid-air.
“Maybe I messed up taking the pill,” I said. “I don’t think I did, but I passed out twice last night. I just need to know.” The bacon dropped from my hand back to my plate.
“What kind do you want? I realize most guys wouldn’t know anything about it, but I picked up Mac’s when she—”
I nodded. He didn’t need to finish the conversation.
“Let me call her and ask. I have no idea. The last time, I went straight to the doctor. I’ll be right back,” I said, excusing myself from the table, then climbing the stairs to the bedroom. Somehow, with all the commotion, I’d lost track of my phone last night but found it on his nightstand on my side of the bed this morning.
My heart sank as everything dawned on me. What if I was? I chewed my bottom lip while I called Mac.
“Bestie, are you okay?”
“I don’t know... Mac, what kind of pregnancy test should I buy?”
Silence filled the phone.
“Shit. No fucking way, you’re on the pill, right?”
“Yeah, but what if I hadn’t taken it for long enough before...Well,” my voice broke off embarrassed I was sharing so much with her.
“Early Response is what I used.”
“Thanks. I’ll keep you updated.”
“Okay,” she whispered. “I’ll be waiting so the second you find out, please let me know.”
“I will.” I ended the call and headed back downstairs and joined Hendrix.
“I’ll go, you stay here and try to relax,” he said, kissing me on the top of my head. “And eat something, for me.”
* * *
Time stopped while he was gone, every second away from him felt like an eternity. I was left with my own darkness, my own thoughts. What would I do now that I was almost twenty and in love? What if I was pregnant? Would I keep it? Panic rooted itself inside me, and I stood up from the table and paced through the living room, my heart pounding with each step.
The front door finally flung open, and Hendrix approached me with a brown paper bag.
“Can I be with you?” he asked.
My brows shot up, “Um, not while I pee, no,” I said, taking the bag from him. “The minute I’m done, you can sit with me, though,” I said, my tone softening.
I took his hand, and we walked up the stairs and into his bedroom. The click of the bathroom door closing behind me sent my pulse into overdrive.
Pulling the pink and white box out of the bag, I opened the top and carefully read the instructions. Thank God I had to pee, so we didn’t have to wait any longer than the dreaded three minutes for the result that could once again change my fate.
I followed the instructions to the letter, put some tissue on his counter, and placed the stick that would reveal my future on top of it.
After I washed my hands, I opened the door, set my phone timer, and joined him on the edge of his bed.
“No matter what the results are, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere,” he said quietly.
I took his hand in mine and leaned my head on his shoulder, waiting as the seconds ticked by, my heart pounding, my mind growing foggy.
My alarm sounded, and I jumped. Tapping the screen to turn it off, I stood and stared at him.
“One line means no, two lines means yes,” I said, my hands trembling.
He nodded and led me into the bathroom. Everything from the night before with Brandon slipped into the background with each step we took together toward the results. We stood nex
t to each other, and my focus dropped. A cry escaped me as I fell into Hendrix, my arms wrapping around his neck, the tears flowing.
His hand threaded through my hair while he held me, and we took a moment to catch our breath.
“Do you still love me?” I asked, peering up at him.
“Pregnant or not, my feelings for you aren’t going to change,” he said.
“Are you disappointed I’m not?” I already knew he wanted kids and I wasn’t sure if it was something I would be able to give him.
“No, not now. We have our whole lives in front of us to figure this out.”
“Our whole lives?” I asked, my heart swelling at the idea of spending forever with him.
“Our whole lives,” he said and hugged me.
Chapter 32
Relief washed over me as I texted Mac the results. After a few messages, I promised I’d see her later after classes. Until then, I needed to figure out my next steps concerning Brandon. Although a part of me wanted to take care of it myself, I also realized there was strength in numbers, and I needed Hendrix’s and Mac’s help.
I reveled in the silence and safety of my boyfriend’s arms as we watched the fire he’d built in the fireplace flicker to life.
“I’ve never actually sat in front of a fireplace before.”
“Really?” Hendrix asked incredulously.
“Nope. It’s too warm in Louisiana, and most homes don’t even have one.”
“Will you take me someday?”
“To Louisiana?” I peered up at him. “Why in the hell do you want to visit there? It’s hot, muggy, and the swamps are full of gators.”
He chuckled. “Because it’s a part of who you are, and I want to see where you’re from, meet your family, see where you grew up.”
My gaze returned to the fire, sadness seeping inside me.
“We’re poor, Hendrix. Dad’s cancer has left him with only some disability income, and Mom has stayed home with me since I had Jordan.”
He tilted my chin up, and I met his stare. “If you have a good family who loves you then you’re the richest person in the world.”
“I’m really rich then,” I whispered.
His lips brushed against mine, and I leaned my head against his chest, the fabric of his sweatshirt soft against my cheek. As much as I wanted to be with him, the pregnancy scare and Brandon had left me gun shy. Thank God Hendrix understood.
Our lazy afternoon came to an end, and Hendrix drove me back to the dorm. Instead of leaving me at the front door, he walked me upstairs. Out of respect for Mac, I knocked lightly and peeked in.
“Hey, your brother is with me. I wanted to make sure you were decent.”
Mac hopped off the bed, grinning, motioning us to come in.
She embraced me and Hendrix. We sat down on my bed while Mac plunked down in the chair and faced us. She flipped her braid behind a shoulder and straightened her red and black flannel shirt.
“So, I’m not an aunt, huh? Bet that scared the shit out of both of you. Hell, it did me. You would have thought it was me taking the damned test again. I just stared at my phone, waiting for your message. Oh my God. You can’t do that again, Gemma. Like, what happened to make you think you were?”
Hendrix shook his head at Mac’s rambling and nodded toward me to tell her. He took my hand while I told her how my period was late, but more importantly, I’d passed out twice.
“What?” she asked, her leg beginning to bounce.
“I’m okay, it’s okay. Well,” I said, shooting Hendrix a look. “I wasn’t okay at first, but I’m working toward figuring things out.”
“I don’t understand. Why did you pass out?”
“Brandon assaulted me again during the concert.”
Mac shot straight up out of the chair, sending it rolling across the floor. Her cheeks flamed red, her tiny hands balling into fists.
“Someone has to stop him!” she cried. “Hendrix, what are we going to do?”
“I’m working on it. After talking things over with Gem, I think it’s going to take all three of us, though.”
Mac stomped her foot against the floor and paced the small room.
“Okay, this is how it’s going to go down. I’ll start following him. I’ll be discreet, so he has no idea. After I figure out his routine, Gemma can meet him, and the second he pulls her off around a building or somewhere isolated, Hendrix, you slip a bag over his head and put him in a sleep hold. You’ll need to park your car somewhere close, so we can drag him and put him in your trunk. I’ll buy some rope, and we’ll tie his hands and feet together. When he wakes up in the back of your trunk, unable to see or move, maybe then he will understand what he’s doing to us. How terrified and powerless we feel.” She paused for a second and continued. “We can take him out on Elk Chattaroy. There’s a ton of acreage out there, not to mention it’s wooded. Hendrix, all those years of boxing, you need to put it to use on him. Hell, I even want to get a few good jabs in while I can. Since it will already be dark, we’ll leave the motherfucker there, and he’ll either figure it out or freeze to death.” She stopped, folded her arms across her chest and waited.
My mouth hung open in shock. She wasn’t kidding. There wasn’t a single hint she wasn’t serious about every word of her crazy plan.
I shot Hendrix a look, his face paled, and his jaw tightened.
“Mac, how do you really feel about him?” he asked, his tone filled with sarcasm. “All the years I’ve known you—you’ve never talked about hurting someone. This, you’ve thought about─a lot. The plan is too detailed.”
Her face clouded with a combination of shame and anger.
She sank onto the edge of her bed, her shoulders slumped in defeat.
“The night I found him with Eva? He was still raping her, but when I barged through the door, the hatred in his eyes terrified me. He’s not a guy just looking to shoot his wad, he’s looking to instill fear, and not only rape a girl’s body, but her mind and soul, too.”
I flinched at her words, understanding exactly what she was talking about, the residue of my own experience still lingering everywhere I turned years later.
“I’ve seen it too, Mac. I’m so sorry about Eva. I know what it’s like to lose your best friend over something like that,” I said.
She stared at the floor, her leg still bouncing. Hendrix nudged me with his shoulder. I turned to him, seeing the concern in his expression.
“Mac, I’m not excited about breaking the law, and as shitty as it sounds, I have no doubt Dad would try to get me out of it,” Hendrix stated.
“Hendrix,” I gasped. “Seriously? You’re going to break the law and pull the daddy card?”
“Gemma, you don’t understand. Hendrix has never even considered something like this before,” Mac said, protectively.
Relief washed over me. I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t have a moral compass, but apparently Brandon was pushing him over the edge. We were all seriously considering something awful in order to stop a monster.
“Mac, as great as your plan sounds, and I won’t lie, there’s a part of me that would love to carry it out, watch him piss his pants from fear, and beat the shit out of him, I have to keep in mind there’s a bigger picture. Dad has barely started his career again, and I can’t be the one to ruin it for him. Something like this could really tarnish his reputation. He’s worked hard at climbing out of his dark hole, I can’t send him back to it.” Hendrix frowned with his words.
Mac’s shoulders sagged further.
“Don’t worry, though. You’ve given me another idea. One that will keep you and Gemma out of it. And, honestly, the band is picking up momentum, and I don’t want to write new songs from prison.”
My brows shot up as it dawned on me no matter who his father was, Hendrix could end up with a record if we moved forward with Mac’s idea.
“We’re all in agreement he needs to be stopped so if you two will trust me, I won’t let you down this time,” he said, holding my ga
ze. “This time I’ll protect you.”
“Ugh, is this what Asher and I looked like? I might be sick,” Mac teased.
“Yes,” Hendrix replied, his expression serious. “So you can’t flip me any shit.”
He kissed me and turned back to Mac.
“Do you trust me? Can you give me one more chance to make this right?” he asked, his attention bouncing between Mac and me.
“You know I trust you. I also realize you’re human, and we all make mistakes. It's not that your heart isn’t in the right place, but you can’t be everywhere at once,” Mac responded.
“I know, but I have to try.”
“I trust you,” I whispered. “I trust you with my life.”
Sadness flickered across his face as his fingertips touched my cheek. “I better not screw this up again then.”
The three of us sat in silence for a few minutes, each of us lost in our own thoughts. Exhaustion seeped through me, and I knew I needed to stay with Mac tonight, but I longed to be in Hendrix’s arms.
“I should go, and let you two catch up,” he said, standing. I stood with him.
“I’ll walk you down. Mac, I’ll be right back.”
She nodded, and we headed out of the room and down the stairs. The main floor was bustling with activity as we made our way outside.
The chill of the night air shot through me, and I shivered. “I didn’t grab my coat.”
He glanced at me and squeezed my hand.
“Let’s go to my car for a minute. I need to talk to you.”
Chapter 33
My heartbeat screeched to a halt. What was wrong? Had the last few days been too much?
We slipped into the car, and he turned it on. He waited in silence while the heat blew through the vent. Every second was agony. Whatever was about to come out of his mouth was big, and I wondered if things were too much for him to handle. I couldn’t blame him. I was a mess and a handful, and the shit just kept coming.