Grape!

by Gabriel Arquilevich

  “Oh.”

  “I got a better idea.”

  Mean Lou went first. He handed me his KISS hat and got on his stomach and lowered himself into the mouth and dropped in.

  “Dude! Dude! It’s awesome in here. So many tennis balls and shit!”

  “Cool.”

  “Here, I’ll hand them to you.”

  He handed me three tennis balls, and then he got super excited.

  “Dude! A golf ball! Woo-hoo! A frickin’ golf ball!”

  Mrs. C, I didn’t know Lou loved golf balls so much.

  He passed me the golf ball, then he grabbed the bars of the grate and pulled himself up.

  “Your turn, dude.”

  “I—”

  “If you wussy out, I’m divorcing you.”

  I got on my belly and lowered myself in.

  It was musty and dark inside.

  I pulled myself back up.

  “See what I mean, dude?” Mean Lou said. “It’s easy as shit, right?”

  “I guess so.”

  He was right. It was easy. The thing is, I still didn’t like it, but Lou was my best friend, and when we took turns sliding into the storm drain it was like I had the old Lou back. We even made a list of what we found. Mrs. C, you would be amazed what you can find in a storm drain. We found tennis balls and golf balls and coins and a hammer and a creepy plastic doll and a shoe.

  Well, I guess this is the Elton John part.

  The thing is, I love Elton John!

  Did you know that Elton’s dad always made him wear plain T-shirts and pants when he was little, so when he became famous he started to wear all sorts of crazy outfits and crazy glasses? He has super big glasses with crazy frames, and glasses with windshield wipers and rainbow glasses and glasses with diamonds, and he plays the Pinball Wizard in that movie Tommy, and it’s super cool because he has this beanie with a pinball on top of it, and I saved up for a Pinball Wizard beanie and super big sunglasses and a belt buckle of Goodbye Yellow Brick Road.

  Mrs. C, the belt buckle is super cool. Elton’s about to walk on a yellow brick road and there’s a red sunset and this silver bird in the sky, and the thing is, Elton is kind of looking back, and he looks worried, and he has one foot on the shiny brick road and the other on a normal sidewalk, so you don’t know if he’s excited to start walking on the new road or if he doesn’t want to.

  So one day I decided to wear my Elton John glasses and my Pinball Wizard beanie and my Goodbye Yellow Brick Road belt buckle to school.

  At the bus stop, Mean Lou said, “Dude, you look like a fag.”

  “No,” I said, “this is my Elton John stuff.”

  “Doesn’t matter, dude, you look faggy.”

  Mrs. C, Lou was my best friend, and he knew I had Elton John stickers and an Elton John book and Elton John black light posters, and he knew I loved Elton John the way he loved KISS, and the thing is, I never said anything about how the KISS guys wear makeup or anything about how his KISS hat smells and how he should wash it, and how it makes him look like Bully Jim or how his pimples are always leaking.

  So I got mean, too.

  “At least Elton John doesn’t wear stupid makeup like KISS!”

  “It’s not makeup,” Mean Lou said, “it’s a mask!”

  “Well at least Elton John doesn’t have a bunch of zits or big wire braces!”

  Mean Lou turned his KISS hat backwards.

  Just then the bus came, and for the first time ever we sat in different seats.

  At lunch I sat at our table wearing my sunglasses and beanie and belt buckle.

  No Lou.

  But Sherman was there.

  And the thing is, Sherman had changed, too. Instead of sitting alone with his lunch pail, he talked to everyone, and he used even bigger words that usual, and he always talked about his bar mitzvah.

  “Grape,” he said, “if I wore something like that to school my mom and dad would ground me, and probably take my allowance. I mean, my Torah portion says—”

  “Oh. My parents don’t care.”

  “Well, you are either lucky or unlucky, I’m not sure. But it takes guts to wear that to school. And for that, Grape, I admire you. You have always had guts. I mean, when David fought Goliath—”

  “Thanks, Sherman. Hey, check this out.” I stood and showed him my belt buckle. “This is Elton, wondering if—”

  Then I heard Mean Lou.

  Mrs. C, I couldn’t believe it. He was sitting with Bully Jim and the Twins and they were laughing at me.

  “Hey, dude!” Mean Lou said. “You taking your pants off for Sherman?”

  Now a lot more kids were laughing.

  I sat down and took a bite of my tuna sandwich.

  “Well,” Sherman said, “Lou certainly has changed, hasn’t he?”

  I tried to say Yeah, Sherman, he has. He turned into a jerk, but I was trying not to cry.

  “He could use a bar mitzvah,” Sherman said, “it would help him into manhood.”

  “He’s not Jewish, Sherman.”

  “Good point, Grape. But there must be something for him, some rite of passage, something to help him into this new stage of life.”

  Mrs. C, I wasn’t sure what Sherman was talking about, but he was right about Mean Lou needing help because pretty soon he walked over and stood right behind me.

  “Hey, fag boy,” he said.

  I ignored him.

  He pulled the Pinball Wizard beanie off my head.

  “Dude, what is this thing?”

  I stood up. “Hey! Give me that back!”

  “Look at this beanie! What kind of dork wears a pinball beanie to school?”

  He put it on. “Look at me, everyone! I’m Grapeface Fagpants pretending to be the Pinball Wizard!”

  “Give it back, Lou!”

  Bully Jim and the Twins laughed.

  “Hey, you guys,” Mean Lou said, “try it on. I think it gives you special Pinball Wizard powers.”

  He walked over to his table and I just stood there and watched as Bully Jim and the Twins tried it on and laughed, and then Mrs. C, I said the meanest thing I could think of.

  “At least I’m not afraid of camels!”

  A couple of kids giggled.

  I sat down and took a bite of my tuna sandwich and chewed, but I couldn’t taste anything.

  Then Mean Lou punched me in the back of the head.

  Sherman screamed.

  It hurt so much I spit out my food.

  Mrs. C, I don’t remember most of what happened after that, but Sherman did.

  “Grape, after Lou punched you, he stomped on your beanie and the pinball cracked, and he said something about you never really making the longest catch and how he was going to tell everyone, even the coach, and they were going to take your award, then you waited a few seconds, just staring down. I asked you several times if you were all right, but you were silent. You were like John Wayne. So deliberate! You took off your big glasses, then you scooped up some chewed-up tuna sandwich with your hand and slowly walked over to where Lou was sitting and, Grape, well, you slowly and deliberately came up behind Lou and smashed the chewed-up tuna sandwich in his face, and then he stood up and you guys got in a fight!

  “To be honest, Grape, Lou won. He had tuna all over his face but he also had you in a headlock, and even though you were giving him a noogie, he just kept you in a headlock and punched you in the face a few times and then Roman ran over and broke it up.”

  Mrs. C, we were suspended for three days.

  Those were the worst three days of my life.

  I had to go to my dad’s office and do homework and be super bored while the architects worked on their blueprints, and then I sat with him during lunch while they talked about permits, and then we drove home and the car smelled like ammonia.


  And then I did the same the next day.

  The thing is, my mom and dad didn’t talk to me about the fight. I mean, my mom had to make special trips to school to get my homework, and my dad had to lug me along to work, but they weren’t mad.

  Mrs. C, I know it sounds weird, but I kind of wished they were.

  Then on the last night of the worst three days of my life, my life got worse.

  After dinner I went to my room, then I heard my mom and dad talking in Spanish, then my dad knocked on my door and told me to come to the kitchen.

  So I went to the kitchen.

  My dad had his after-work robe and slippers on and my mom had her slippers on, too, and they both had cups of super-hot tea in front of them.

  “Grape,” my mom said, “is about Lou.”

  She put some sugar in her tea and stirred, then passed the sugar to my dad.

  I started crying.

  “I’m sorry I got in a fight, and I’m sorry I got suspended, but he’s been so mean and he calls me names, and why is he being so mean to me? I didn’t do anything and he knows how much I love Elton John and he took my Pinball Wizard beanie!”

  “No, is okay,” my mom said. “We’re not mad.”

  “You’re not?”

  “No,” my dad said. “Sometimes you have to be tough. Like with the coach, you walk right up to him and say, ‘you jerk!’”

  He poured sugar in his tea and stirred it.

  “Is Lou’s parents,” my mom said. “They are getting divorce.”

  I couldn’t believe it. Lou was my best friend, and he didn’t tell me.

  “Is very hard for him,” my mom said. “His dad is moving to New York.”

  She took the sugar back from my dad.

  “Why didn’t he say anything?”

  “I don’t know,” my mom said.

  “But I’m his best friend.”

  “Yo sé, Grape. Is very sad.”

  “Is that why he’s been acting so mean?” I asked.

  “Sí, Grape.”

  “And why he smashed my Pinball Wizard beanie?”

  “Sí.”

  “And why he got me in a headlock?”

  “Sí.”

  All of a sudden I felt really sad for Lou.

  “Is very hard for his family.”

  She poured more sugar in her tea and stirred it.

  “And there is more,” my dad said.

  “More?”

  “Lou is stealing, and other things,” he said.

  “What do you mean?”

  “He was stealing at the Sears,” my mom said, “and he was letting air out of the neighbor’s tires.”

  She sipped her tea, then passed the sugar back to my dad.

  “Are they sending him to Riverwash?” I said. My parents looked at each other.

  “No, Grape,” my mom said, and then she got super quiet.

  “Maybe he needs to play dice baseball,” I said.

  My mom started to cry.

  “Lou might move to New York with his dad,” my dad said.

  “But there’s no way!” I said. “He lives here.”

  “Yes,” my dad said, “but his parents are fighting about who gets to keep him.”

  “No! It’s up to Lou! No way he would leave!”

  “You are right,” my dad said, “it should be up to Lou. But is not. Let me put it—”

  “No, Dad! I don’t care! That’s stupid! WHY DIDN’T HE TELL ME?”

  My dad poured more sugar in his tea and stirred, and my mom got out of her chair and hugged me.

  “Lou will be with his dad until they go to the court,” she said.

  “You mean he’s already gone?”

  “Sí. He’s in New York.”

  “When’s he coming back?”

  “At the end of summer,” my mom said. “For the court, then the court will decide.”

  “But we still have a month of school!”

  “He’s getting in too much trouble,” my dad said.

  “But here,” my mom said, “we got something for you.”

  It was a new Pinball Wizard beanie.

  At lunch I sat with Sherman, who talked about his bar mitzvah, and I was sad all day, and when I got off the bus, I walked home and started my life without Lou.

  It was super boring.

  Every day was the same. I walked up the hill and put my backpack and Elton John beanie and Elton John glasses in my room, then I went to the kitchen and drank chocolate milk and I took a box of Nilla Wafers from the cupboard to the couch and turned on Family Feud, and then I fell asleep until my mom woke me up to ask about homework, then maybe I did homework, then I sat under Sigmund a while, then I ate dinner and went to bed.

  Mrs. C, by now you’re probably wondering about the super orange golf ball.

  Well, here it is.

  Since Lou was gone, the storm drain made me sad, so most of the time when I got off the bus I just put my head down and walked up the hill until this one day I decided to peek in.

  And there it was, a super orange golf ball.

  It was the coolest thing ever!

  I couldn’t wait to tell Lou! He loves golf balls! When he got back from New York we would lower ourselves in and he would agree it’s the coolest thing ever, and he would tell me he gets to stay here with his mom and he’s sorry about smashing my Elton John beanie, and I would say I’m sorry about telling everyone his secret about camels and he would say he’s sorry for telling everyone about the longest catch.

  But the spiders had another idea.

  Hey, Grape, why don’t you drop your backpack on the sidewalk?

  “Why?” I asked them.

  Because we have a great idea!

  “Um…okay. What?”

  Go down there and get the super orange golf ball.

  “You mean by myself?”

  Yes! Get the super orange golf ball and you can surprise Lou with the coolest thing ever!

  “But won’t it be the same if I wait for him and we can get it together?”

  It might rain, and then it will be washed away.

  I wanted to tell the spiders that it was almost summer and it never rains in almost summer.

  But the spiders always win.

  So I tossed my backpack on the sidewalk, got on my belly and lowered myself in.

  Mrs. C, the other times I was in the storm drain I just tossed the stuff to Lou and then pulled myself back to the street as fast as I could, but this time it was just me and the spiders.

  Hey, Grape, they said, let’s look around.

  So I looked around.

  It was a little cold and dark in there, and I could hear cars whoosh by, and the thing is, I never really thought about it, but a storm drain is just a patch of cement that is part of a tunnel.

  That’s so cool, the spiders said. You’re in a tunnel! You have to tell Lou!

  “I will!” I said out loud.

  Will…wil…wi, said the tunnel.

  No way! Mrs. C, it was the coolest echo ever!

  “I will tell Lou!” I said again.

  I…will…te!

  “Lou! Lou! Lou!”

  Lou! Lo! L….

  The spiders were right! All I could think about was surprising Lou, first with the super orange golf ball, then with the echo, and we could both lower ourselves into the drain, we could hang out in the street, and we could bring a flashlight and maybe crawl into the tunnel.

  Well, here’s where the trouble started.

  Since Lou wasn’t with me, I had to reach up and set the golf ball in the gutter.

  I pulled up on the iron bars and got half my body out. It was easy, just like all the other times. The problem was, the other times I wasn’t wearing my Elton John Goodbye Yellow Bric
k Road belt buckle. It jammed against the grate, so the top half of my body was in the gutter and the lower half was in the storm drain.

  That’s when Betsy drove by.

  She stopped and lowered her window.

  “Grape!” she said, “are you okay?”

  “Yeah!” I said. It hurt to lift my head. “Okay!”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yes. Thank you. When is Lou—”

  “What are you doing in there?”

  “Nothing.”

  She drove away.

  I dropped down, took my belt off, set it in the gutter, and pulled myself out.

  The super orange golf ball had rolled away.

  I put my belt back on, grabbed my backpack, and thought about going after it, but I was thirsty for chocolate milk and hungry for Nilla Wafers, and I probably missed the first two rounds of Family Feud already.

  Mrs. C, in my neighborhood nothing exciting really happens. I mean, sometimes there’s a fire in the hills or maybe an old person has a heart attack, so it was kind of weird when I heard a siren, and then it got louder, and then it stopped, and I thought maybe something happened at the park, like last year when a boy broke his leg on the jungle gym.

  But then another weird thing happened.

  A fire truck passed me, then a police car, and then the police car stopped, backed up a little, and drove on again.

  Mrs. C, it was all super weird.

  But the thing is, my whole life was super weird. My best friend Lou was in New York with his dad, and I missed him even though he called me names and headlocked me and crushed my Pinball Wizard beanie, and I had the coolest super orange golf ball and then I lost it, and now there was some big emergency in the neighborhood.

  Then it was even super weirder. That police car and fire truck were parked very, very close to my house.

  No. They were parked in front of it!

  I ran inside to the kitchen, and Mrs. C, you wouldn’t believe it.

  There was a policeman sitting at the kitchen table! In my chair! And my mom was standing by the stove, and her hair was super messy.

  “Oh, Grape. ¡Qué cosa! What did you do, Grape?”

  I didn’t answer. I mean, there was a policeman in my chair! His hat with a shiny silver badge was on the table, and he had another shiny silver badge on his dark blue uniform, and he was looking at me.

  “Betsy call the police,” my mom said. “She said you were in the drain!”