by Kenna Bardot
Lottie spoke up, her voice exasperated. “What do you want, Smith?”
The tall girl, Smith, raised an eyebrow. “Well, Montgomery, I just wanted to ask your new friend if it were true. Did Alec Gaius really take one taste of her and then decide she wasn’t worth it?”
Around us, I noted that people were watching and the curiosity in the eyes of a lot of them weren’t what one would call healthy.
Lottie squeezed my knee as she stood up and poked a finger at the taller girl’s shoulder. “You. Are. A. Bitch. You and your slut of a roommate.”
Smith laughed, but I saw her eyes harden as I too made myself stand up. Out of the corner of my eye, Pia, the fake-faced slut, chuckled and gave me a sarcastic wave. Guess I knew who Smith’s roommate was then. She swatted Lottie’s hand away and grabbed her wrist. “Hands off, Montgomery. Your new pet doesn’t belong here and everyone knows it. She might have a vagina but even all the dicks in this place don’t want a piece of it when they’ll settle for anything, even you.”
Lottie opened her mouth, but I reached out and gave her arm a squeeze. “Look, I don’t know you, and I’d rather eat nails than spend a minute with your roommate. But Charlotte has more beauty, grace, and common decency than you and that slut have. If you want to believe what you believe, I urge you to do so, although if you’re so certain, I encourage you to ask Alec Gaius or Ronan.” She winced a bit, and I had to laugh. “Scared of them too?”
“Fuck off, Wella.” Lottie said, putting her hands on her hips.
She just rolled her eyes and smirked at me. “I look forward to seeing you crash and burn, Kaia Shaw. Save me a front row seat.” She looked around the room and at all the students who were staring at us and addressed them, “You heard me. Time will tell exactly what the unworthy is made of.”
From the front of the room we heard the Ink Docent speak up, “Ok, everyone, back to your groups and assume your positions!”
Lottie turned to me and tilted her head. “You gonna be okay, sweetie?”
Nothing but numb inside, I wanted to run from the room, but I forced myself to smile and nod. “Sure, Lot. Thanks.” I knelt back down on my mat and watched her walk off.
“Kaia,” I heard a voice call my name, and I turned around to see Emers, three mats away. He had arrived late so he wasn’t beside me.
“Yeah?”
“You okay?”
I sighed out. One day I was going to answer that question honestly just to see how people would respond. “Yes, Emers. I’m fine. Thanks.”
He gave me a long look that said he didn’t believe me, but I turned away as the docent gave us instructions to start. I closed my eyes to try and work through the numbness and only failed miserably.
Seven
Kaia
When class ended, I stood up so fast that the muscles in my thigh pulled a little. I had to train with Alec Gaius and Docent Porter that night and while I was going to attend, I just wanted to avoid everyone and have some time to myself to possibly take a hot shower and change. Given how little time I had, speed was necessary.
I rushed past the mass of bodies as they escaped the room at a more leisurely pace than I. I stepped out of the room and turned right but was blocked by Pia, hands crossed over her chest.
“Shaw. Keep your hands off my Vali.”
“I thought you said that no one could possibly want me.” I took a step forward to try and leave but she got in my way regardless. “Zeevar, Pia, you’re free to him. I wouldn’t touch him with a ten-foot pole knowing he’s been with you.”
She sniffed. “You only wish that any man who’s had me would want you.”
I rolled my eyes. “Well, there you have it. Just leave me alone and don’t give a fuck. I for sure do not give a fuck about you.”
I shouldered my way past her and behind me I heard an aggrieved tone say, “Zeevar, Pia. What did you do now?” I didn’t want to stick around to hear the rest of that conversation. I just wanted a long hot shower to soothe my aches and hide from the drama for a few minutes.
“Kaia, wait up!” I froze as that smooth, deep voice poured over me, triggering old, complex memories. It was simultaneously familiar and different, smooth and soothing but like snakeberry liquor it was silky and improved with age. Gripping my yoga mat strap tightly, I debated ignoring him and walking away.
I just wanted to be alone.
I wasn’t in the mood for any confrontation especially after the bitch-faced Pia warned me off him. But in the end, our shared history compelled me to stop and let him catch up. I needed closure if I was to resolve any of the remnants of my feelings from childhood.
He smiled, those dark eyes twinkling, but stopped abruptly and frowned when he saw the reserved expression on my face.
“What do you want, Vali?”
He winced and ran a hand through his tousled sun-streaked brown hair. “I’m sorry. About Pia, I mean. She’s-”
“Possessive. I get it. I won’t be a problem for her. I’ve assured her that. Anyway, anything else is on you.” I hurried to say, “Look, I’m not like some of the other women here, I won’t compete for men. That’s the last thing I want, to be seen as just another vagina.”
He stared at me for a moment, before his expression hardened slightly. “And what about what I want?”
My heart tightened like he’d wrapped his hand around it and squeezed. I ignored it and continued like he hadn’t spoken, “Besides, there are more men here than women. I don’t need to compete to get one of my own.”
He stepped back, grimacing like I’d struck him. “Is that all I am to you Kaia, just another guy?”
“It’s been fourteen years, Vali. I don’t know who you are anymore,” I admitted. “The Vali I knew would never have considered being with someone like Pia. Then again, the Vali I knew was merely a child on the verge of puberty. He wasn’t mesmerized by shiny blond hair and big boobs.” My voice sounded wounded, betraying my emotions, and I hated myself for it.
“I didn’t think I’d ever see you again, Little Bird.” That affectionate lilt returned to his voice, and he stepped into me, backing me up against the wall. As we were in a hallway, other students passed us, openly staring and whispering as they did.
“You didn’t - don’t,” I paused to correct myself. “Owe me anything. We never went there. Firstly, because we were kids, but also because there was that knowledge that-” I paused, the pain of that day still too much for me. When I’d seen him at the Tumult and learned he was alive, it had been bittersweet. I’d always missed and mourned for Vali, but the other part of me broke when I realized that he wasn’t the same boy that had been so important to me as a child.
His forehead rested against my brow, his eyes capturing mine in that way only he had ever managed - like he saw right through to the core of me. My hands, still gripping the strap of my yoga mat, pressed against his chest. All that broad, rippling muscle felt hard against me, and it only made the changes in us more obvious. Vali had been small as a child, but that small boy was gone, replaced by a broad shouldered, muscled man.
“That we weren’t going to live long enough to be together,” he finished. I nodded, unable to speak.
“But you didn’t die. You thought I did, but somehow we’re both here now. It can’t be anything less than a miracle that I am so damned thankful for. I never thought I’d see you again.”
“A miracle, yes. We can be friends again.” I offered a small smile that didn’t meet my eyes.
His eyes shifted to dart over my face. “Friends?”
“Well, yes. Like before.”
“I don’t want to be just your friend, Little Bird,” he confessed, that voice going raspy with his declaration. Sex. His voice was pure sex, making my skin pebble with goosebumps.
“You have a girlfriend.” I chuckled and raised my eyebrows.
“No, I don’t. Pia and I, well, we fuck around yeah, but it’s casual.” He didn’t bother looking sheepish, which just showed how free and casual sex could be.
“I think she missed that memo, Vali. And well, I can’t really say what Alec Gaius and I are, but I want to explore that first and learn before I fuck around.” My eyes left his, the intensity of the way his brown eyes hardened too intense.
“You don’t owe him shit. Williamson isn’t serious about you. He’s incapable of being serious about anyone but himself,” Vali growled, voice raising. I winced, plastering myself against the wall in an attempt to get away from the storm that raged in his eyes, his voice.
“What is it with you two? Warning me off one another? I thought it was normal for girls to play with multiple guys.”
Eyes narrowing at me, he stepped back out of my space and crossed his arms over his chest. “He warned you about me?” His voice grew menacing, his fists tightening.
“I-well yeah. He said you would only be using me to get under his skin.” Vali sneered at me, and I winced at the transformation as it came over his handsome face.
He softened, not completely, but enough to take a deep breath. “Not you. Never you. You have to know that.”
“I know that. Of course I know that. History like ours doesn’t just disappear even after fourteen years. I know you’d never intentionally hurt me like that.” I hated having to make the concession. “But Alec Gaius has taken care of me, tutored me, and trained me. Without him and Docent Porter, I wouldn’t have survived even for this long.”
He played with the earring on his right ear I hadn’t noticed. “So let me train you instead.” His voice was solemn, like the look in his eyes was.
“Vali-” I protested, flinching back as he moved back into my space. One hand rested on my hip and the other cupped my jaw. I chewed on my bottom lip nervously.
“They don’t respect you. They treat you like some kind of twisted pet, some kind of charity case. I know them better than you do, my little bird.” His voice was softer, the words were enough to strike home with me. He knew that, the same way he knew that all my life I’d been poor, little awkward Kaia. Except with him.
“That’s not entirely true. Emerson is-”
“Are you fucking Emerson Hawkins?”
“I-well. I don’t see how that’s any of your fucking business, Vali Madden!” I hissed, making him grin at me. He always liked it when I got pissed, had repeatedly said it meant everything to him that he was the only person I was comfortable enough with to express myself like that.
“The asshole Williamson is the one who’s trying to get inside you, and he’s the one who deserves you the least. He’ll take what you give then toss you aside because once he gets that, he won’t be interested in you as his little pet project anymore.” He stared down at me, looking for a reaction, but I steeled myself to keep a blank face against my anger. “Don’t let him have you.”
“You have a lot of nerve, telling me who I can or can’t fuck, Vali Madden.” I’d moved past annoyed and straight into the pissed off territory.
“You objected to me fucking Pia.” He stood with his hands casually tucked in the pockets of his jacket, which just pissed me off more.
“No. I said that the Vali I used to know never would have touched someone like Pia Ramos. But the Vali I knew was eleven so what the fuck do I know? You however, 25-year old Vali Madden can touch whoever you want, because you are not the boy I once loved.” I gave him a shove, catching him off guard enough to make him stumble back a step. I hurried from the wall, making my way down the hall as fast as I could.
“Kaia!” he shouted.
I whirled around to face him. “You saw me. In the Tumult. You saw me, and you left me. You just walked away and left me, with someone you hate nonetheless, to fend for myself. Fourteen years, I thought you were dead. I missed you! And you left me there!”
He flinched, closing his eyes as his face twisted in pain. “Kaia-”
“And then you didn’t even come find me after. Didn’t see if I was hurt. Do you know who made sure I was okay?!”
“Little Bird-” he tried again, taking a step towards me.
“Alec did,” I hissed, and turned to stomp my way straight to Docent Porter’s classroom to train. He called my name again.
I didn’t stop.
It seemed fitting that for once he be the one to have to deal with the pain of being left behind.
✽✽✽
Vali
I watched her walk away, and I wished to Zeevar that I’d handled things better. The last thing I’d told her as a child had somehow, inexplicably come true, but I’d ruined everything by coming off as a horny man with a vendetta.
I touched a hand to my heart where it throbbed painfully. I had seen her again, touched her again, spoken her name again, and stared into those deep, dark eyes again. As an eleven year-old boy I had known I’d loved her, but as a man my feelings were much more complex. Much more intense.
But, I remembered. Remembered how we used to be and wished we could be that way again.
✽✽✽
Vali
14 years ago.
Kaia grinned at me over her shoulder, hefting herself up into the tree by the massive branch in a smooth, almost reckless swing. I smiled back and stood there, feet hip-width apart as the wind blew over my face, looking up to watch her steady ascent. If I were being honest, the sight of her climbing that tree made my heart freeze, just as it had since that day she fell from it on her childhood rebirth day. It didn’t matter that she’d gotten a new golden tattoo - she could have easily injured herself permanently and lived the rest of her life without really the ability to climb trees. Or live at all.
But she’d gone up the tree on her own that day without waiting for me. It was the same thing she was doing now, fiercely and independently doing things you would never have expected from someone so little.
By some blessing, she’d survived with only a broken arm and a gash on her cheek. My sweet little bird, surviving against the odds. Only now, it was possible that she’d have to live on without me. After having lived with the thought of losing her, preparing for the pain of surviving without her, I found myself faced with the prospect of having to leave her with the pain of living without me. It was an anguish I would not wish on worst enemy, let alone the girl I loved. The girl I wished I could grow old with.
I’d seen the golden ink behind her ear - LV-XIX-MCII. She didn’t really have much longer to live, but it was more than I currently had. I touched the back of my ear and hoped that I would move on past tomorrow, get another golden-inked date like she had. I fervently prayed for a date that was at least a day after hers so I could spend every living moment with her. No matter how short and fleeting.
“Come down,” I shouted up at her, and she frowned at me, gesturing angrily for me to come up instead. I stuck my tongue out at her and pleaded for her to come down. I was going to go up and drag her down if she didn’t listen.
She frowned at me but jumped down in one fluid motion, almost catlike. Ever since that accident, she’d been more graceful around the tree, like it had granted her a gift when it had nearly killed her months before.
“Zeevar, Vali, this better be good.” She threw her messy braid over her shoulder and gave my shoulder a light punch.
I touched her scar. “Hurt?”
She chuckled. “No. It’s good now.”
I looked up at the tree. “Be careful, Little Bird. You can’t actually fly, you know.”
She pouted, but she gave up and chuckled at me more. “Oh, Vali, some days I feel like I could.” She threw her hands out and started to twirl. With a laugh, she grabbed my hand, and we danced around her lawn to our own, internal music until we were breathless from the effort.
Afterwards, the pull of the tree was too much and, slightly breathless, we crawled up the tree anyway. Well, I did since Kaia simply clambered up like it was nothing.
We settled in on the huge trunk-like branch we always sat on, watching the sun set over the valley. The view made it worth the pain and effort.
“How was school today?” I asked
her. I wouldn’t talk about what was coming the next day. I just wouldn’t. I was going to pretend it wasn’t going to happen because, like Kaia Wren it was possible that it wouldn’t.
“It was fine,” she lied, swinging her legs back and forth. She rocked with the motion, testing her limits like she always did. No one else saw my little bird like this, reckless and untamed. This side of her was reserved for me - the side that comforted me even as it scared me just a little.
“Who was it this time?” I wanted to kill the girls who tortured her. I was the only one she trusted, the only one who knew just how much their words ate at her.
“Annika,” she admitted, and I found myself nodding. We didn’t look at one another, just watched the sun set with our arms touching lightly. “She said that I was so worthless even Zeevar didn’t want my sacrifice.”
“That’s not true,” I murmured, and she turned shining eyes to me. She threw me a smile, bright but fake.
“I know.” Her head hit my shoulder, level with it. I was pretty small compared to the other boys my age - something Kaia and I bonded over initially. She didn’t want me to worry about her, I knew. But what she didn’t know was that I would always worry about her.
Even if I died I’d find a way to still worry about her.
Her smile turned sad, like her voice as it threatened to break. “Thank you for always seeing me as more.”
“Don’t go there, Little Bird,” I warned her. She nodded, accepting my word as law, just like always. She kept staring at the sunset, her big brown eyes wet with unshed tears. I took the opportunity to study her face one last time. Those soulful eyes and those lips too big in her face, all the traits that made everyone else take one look at her and dismiss her as fragile. And maybe she was, but she was also the bravest girl I’d ever met.
“Vali!” Mom’s voice yelled from next door. With a sigh, I cupped Kaia’s cheek - turning her face to look at me. Wordlessly, I swept my thumb over the scar there, feeling the slightly raised flesh as I stared at her for the last time. I pressed a kiss to her forehead, lingering there just long enough to savor the moment. It was possible that it would be the last moment I’d ever have with Kaia.