by Kenna Bardot
I walked out and made my way toward the room I shared with Lottie. When I reached it, I gave a happy little sigh that it was empty. I needed some time to mull, to think, to break, and I needed to do all of that alone.
✽✽✽
The past few days I’d been so hard to live with - I knew that. Even Lottie found it hard to get me to pay attention to much, and I had taken to burying myself in my books and coursework. My men were reacting to my withdrawal with varied levels of distress and annoyance - Ronan growling, Alec Gaius trying to be the pompous voice of reason, and Emerson just being a supportive and positive beacon of light.
I hated all of it.
It was the end of the day, and I had sprinted out of class so fast, I managed to avoid any of the guys who usually came to fetch me for dinner. I pushed open the door to the gardens like a convict escaping from prison.
The gardens were beautiful in the evening springtime - the scent and smells of plants I knew and loved assaulting my nostrils. It was the peace I’d been missing.
“Hi, Kaia, good evening.”
Would I never be completely alone in the gardens? I smiled as I opened my eyes and saw Marisol though. Only manners I’d learned as a child kept me from turning back and ignoring her. “Hi!”
“What are you doing out here at this time of day?” she asked me, steely blue eyes shining brightly.
“Just wanted some time to breathe,” I admitted reluctantly. Mar was friendly enough, but I wasn’t quite sure yet if I was ready to trust her. I wasn’t scared to admit that I had intense trust issues.
She nodded as she leaned against the wall as I did. “Sure, I get that. What’re you taking a breath from? Alec Gaius and the others?”
“Zeevar, can you read minds?” The words were out before I could stop myself.
“It’s pretty obvious that would be a problem, Kaia. I don’t actually know how you do it - living in the same place as the men you have a relationship with.”
I turned to give her a long look. “What do you mean?”
“Well, I have three of my own men, yeah? But only one is an Ink and none of them attend the Academy. But that’s me, I prefer them older men.” She chuckled and flipped her short red hair. That was when I noticed that she wore casual black clothes rather than the white and yellow.
“Oh.” I was curious since Lottie had no relationships to speak of so this was the first time I was speaking to another woman who knew what I was going through. I was just uncomfortable to actually talk about it with someone who was virtually a stranger.
“Mhmm. I was actually out visiting my men. I sneaked out.” She laughed. “Couldn’t really stop the horny, if I’m being honest.”
I laughed along with her. “I know what you mean. Can I ask you a question though?”
She turned to stare at me. “Shoot.”
“Well, how do you handle it? All the men?”
She shrugged. “Truth? I used to have more but not all of them were truly in the relationship. They wanted variety more than they wanted to commit or even make the others in our relationship feel important. Now, the men I have? I love them, and I’m confident they love me. Although if I didn’t feel that way or they didn’t, I’d still be okay with it, because they’d always be important to me and vice versa, you know? Oh, and it doesn’t hurt that I enjoy their sexy asses as well.” She wiggled her eyebrows at me, and I couldn’t help but think she was just as insane as Lottie was.
But the way she said it was perfect and just what I needed to hear, helping to clear my head a bit. “Makes sense, yeah. So do you go to them often?”
“Often enough to keep myself from going itchy, but also seldom enough to keep them wanting.”
Zeevar, she was cheeky and the unrepentant smile she wore appealed to me. “Tell me more.”
✽✽✽
I laughed, following Mar’s advice and just decided that I was going to trust in my men and that things were going to settle themselves. It felt like the first time I’d laughed in such a carefree manner in days.
Beside me, Alec Gaius had an ear pressed to the door as well, listening to Emerson’s moans mixing with Ronan’s grunts on the other side. I knew the guys were together occasionally when I wasn’t there, though it wasn’t a common occurrence by any means. We were usually all busy in class or having fun together.
“Harder,” Emerson demanded with what could be loosely called for a sexy growl in his normally sweet voice. Emerson knew the caveman, knew it would push Ronan over the edge to really let loose on him if he tried to top him from the bottom.
Alec Gaius gave me a mischievous grin, unlocking the door and shoving it open. Neither of the men flinched, though I really couldn’t see Emerson’s face to gauge the feelings there. Ronan smiled back at us.
“Shut the fucking door,” he ordered, turning back to his business with Emerson so abruptly I couldn’t help but lose myself in a giggle fit. Emerson faced away from us, on his side with his hips tilted up on a pillow so he could take Ronan’s punishing pounds deep. One of Ronan’s hands worked Emerson’s cock as he fucked him, and I knew Alec was watching me for a reaction. Zeevar knew I enjoyed taking them, but I loved watching my men with each other nearly as much too. There was no faster way to turn me on than to let me watch them play.
I chewed at the nail on my thumb, resisting the urge to squirm under Alec’s scrutiny. I looked up at him, all innocent eyes, even as I licked my bottom lip.
“Dirty girl,” Alec murmured with a chuckle. His hands went to the hem of my top before sliding down to cup my ass. “You know, I seem to recall you promising me that ass of yours.” I swallowed and allowed him to strip me. As soon as he had me naked, he gave me a firm smack on the ass.
“On the bed.” I obeyed, climbing on so that I could look at Emerson. He drew me in for a kiss, jostling as he did so because Ronan was still pounding into him in hard, steady pumps.
“Relax,” Emerson cooed, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear as he did so. “Alec Gaius will make it good.” I trusted him, because if anyone would know, it would be Emerson. He took it up the ass near daily with Ronan and Alec Gaius to please. I let out a deep breath, feeling Alec approach and trail his fingers down my spine.
“I want to see,” Ronan grunted, giving Emerson a sharp thrust that made him cry out.
“Relax, Kaia Wren. It’ll be good, you’ll see.” Alec Gaius knelt behind me on the bed, bending over and burying his face in my pussy so suddenly I gasped in shock. I leaned back, putting a hand in his hair and pressing him deeper into me. He laughed against my core, that wicked tongue of his probing me. He worked me hard, sucking at my clit and fingering me until I came. Those two fingers left me, sliding upwards to swirl around that other place. A bottle opened, and cool liquid dripped between my cheeks.
I whimpered from the shock of the cold and the feeling of that place being the center of attention. Emerson took the opportunity to kiss me again, distracting me from my nerves over what Alec was about to do. He swirled a single finger around me there, and I bit back a moan. It felt good, in an almost tickling kind of way, but so, so dirty. He applied more pressure, and I tensed up involuntarily.
“Relax, baby,” Alec soothed, kissing the fleshy skin where my thigh met my buttcheek. “Push out a little bit.”
I took a deep breath, focusing and doing what he asked even though it scared me. His finger breached that ring of muscle, sliding in slowly, a light burn spearing through me as it went.
“Shhh,” Ronan soothed, and I realized I’d been whimpering. “You’re okay.” His thrusts with Emerson were slower now, both of them watching my face as Alec prepared me.
A quick glance back proved Alec Gaius stared at where his finger disappeared inside me in fixation, and he pulled it out only to push it back in again. The burn faded as a sort of dark pleasure coaxed through me.
“Good girl,” Alec murmured, and he repositioned himself to thrust his cock into pussy while he fingered my ass. I moaned for him, but flushed as Rona
n chuckled.
“I think she likes it,” he teased. Alec let out a soft laugh, adding another lubed finger to the first. The stretch at the outer ring was the worst, but once he got it inside the burn faded. He picked up the pace with his fucking, adding pleasure to what I was sure might have involved more pain if he hadn’t been giving me pleasure alongside it. That free hand went to my clit, stroking and teasing, but never enough to give me another orgasm.
“Alec, please,” I begged, wanting to come. I swivelled my hips in desperation, wanting to take him into me deeper.
“You come when you take my cock in your ass, baby.” I groaned, dropping my face to the bed. Alec Gaius responded to the shift in position by spreading his fingers out inside me, stretching me slowly to the best of his ability. Finally, he wrapped an arm around my waist, lifting me up and shifting me to kneel parallel to Emerson so Ronan could watch.
His fingers left first, and then he withdrew his length from me. The head pressed at my back entrance a few seconds later, and I breathed out as I felt him apply pressure. I felt myself loosen around him slowly, parting for his entry, and then suddenly he was inside with a pop.
“Fuckkkk,” he groaned, voice low. He stilled, giving me time to adjust to the overwhelming fullness of taking him there.
“Gods, you look so perfect like that, woman,” Ronan grunted and Emerson squealed with a laugh as Ronan fucked him harder in response. Alec Gaius moved, a shallow thrust in and out. When I didn’t protest he did it again, and again.
“Okay, baby?” he whispered, and I nodded. I couldn’t quite find my voice, buried as I was in glorious sensation. Alec’s fingers still teased my pussy, alternating between circling my clit and toying with my entrance. Ronan groaned next to me, shoving himself all the way inside Emerson as he came.
“Finish him off so I can watch,” Ronan ordered, and Emerson shifted so I could wrap my lips around him.
Alec still made soft thrusts, and I mumbled “more” around Emerson’s length. Alec hissed out a breath, giving me more of himself. Within a few thrusts he was buried to the hilt, and he paused with his hips resting against me. Emerson stroked my hair while I sucked him. “You’re doing so good, Kai.”
Alec drew back all the way, thrusting in and I let out a long, low moan. “Such a tight little ass. You want to come now?” he asked, and I bobbed my head in a nod, dick still in my mouth. He laughed, pinching my clit so I came as he fucked me. Emerson followed soon after, flooding my mouth with his cum that I worked to swallow before crying out when Alec picked up his pace.
“Oh. Oh Gods,” I moaned, feeling his balls slap against the swollen flesh between my legs as he gave it to me hard and deep and groaned out a long sigh, leaning his body over mine as he finished inside me. He pulled me up to kneel in front of him, hugging me from behind as I tried to catch my breath.
We all collapsed momentarily, though I knew enough from watching the guys to know it couldn’t last. We all needed a shower, and we’d get there soon.
I just needed to not have a heart attack first.
Sixteen
Kaia
It couldn’t last. It didn’t last. Mar had a point with what she told me, but I was being ruled by my irrational heart. It started with me drifting. Drifting through the fog.
My brain? Well, my brain knew I was being illogical. It knew it was ridiculous for me to expect my Docent to risk his career to be with us. He’d already risked his career to tutor and train me so extensively, already skirting the line as it was. My brain knew I was being beyond selfish to want my men to get over their hatred of Vali and vice versa so I didn’t have to choose.
But my heart? My heart was torn to pieces by having to make a choice. Vali was the only one in my life who had seen me as worthwhile when I’d been an Inked, before I’d even become part of the Order. The only one who believed in me, and even though it had been years since I’d seen him; I’d never stopped loving him.
And Gaylord. Zeevar, Gaylord was just another example of me not being enough, a trigger to my underlying insecurity. It didn’t matter that I had three beautiful and wonderful men who loved me and never stopped to show me they wanted me. Ronan and I, along with Alec Gaius and Emerson, weren’t enough to tempt Gaylord to take a chance on us. It was like being a child again, realizing again that I would never be worth much to anyone. My heart didn’t care that it was an insane expectation; it just knew I’d spent my life not being enough. Going back there was a familiar yet dangerous place for me and a struggle I’d never bothered to fight against. All I knew for certain was that it was much easier to just lie down and let it wash over me.
“Little Bird,” it was Vali’s voice that drew me out of my trance. I looked over to see him standing across from me in the empty hallway. His eyes darted over me, and he approached - his hand coming up to cup my chin. He tilted my head up fully, and I stared into his eyes, those dark, worried eyes.
I felt nothing.
“Have you been walking around all this time? Where have you been?”
“I-what?” I shook my head, forcing my head to come back down from the clouds.
“Daniels and the rest of your men are looking for you. Apparently, you were supposed to be in training almost an hour ago. You never showed, and they got worried. I ran into them and they were worried enough to tell me without punching me.” His face showed every bit of worry I’d caused. My guys were so worried about me that they’d confided in Vali. They’d asked for his help.
Gods. What in Zeevar was wrong with me?
“I’m fine.” I shrugged off his touch and took a step back with another shake of my head.
“You’re not. Kaia, when was the last time you slept? The last time you ate?” I looked away and out the windows, and I saw that it was pitch black outside. The hallway was empty but for the two of us, which wasn’t surprising after sunset - most students were eating dinner or studying and training together.
“How did you find me?” I sighed it out. Vali always seemed to find me, and it was disconcerting, like I could never be truly alone. It also meant I was always seeing him more than my heart could take. He didn’t answer, gave no indication he would give away his secret methods to stalking me. “Ronan growls at me to eat and if that doesn’t work, Alec Gaius coos at me until I do. I sleep with all of them, wrapped up and like the dead,” I answered, and it was true. Ronan, and to some extent Alec Gaius and Emerson, took care of me, even on the days I didn’t help them on that front. As to the sleeping, I’d never slept better than I did sharing a bed with my three guys and surrounded by their warmth.
“Then why do you look so tired?” Vali’s voice was velvety, so soft and smooth like honey. I just imagined myself laying curled up in bed and falling asleep while he talked to me in that voice. Of course, the immediate thought after that was that I would never have that. Not even once. “I’ve just got a lot on my plate right now. I’ve been in my head. I’ll get it together.”
“You aren’t happy,” even with the gentleness in his voice, he still managed to make it an accusation. I knew he found my men wanting. He’d always ensured I was happy through my miserable childhood. I knew my happiness was important to him.
But that wasn’t my reality and happiness wasn’t my top priority. The reality was that keeping me alive was my men’s priority, particularly Ronan’s. With the year’s Final Trial coming, happy could wait once I actually found myself alive at the end of the school year.
“I’m happy enough.” I wouldn’t lie to him, and I wasn’t completely unhappy.
“I can make you happier. We were happy before, the two of us yeah?” Vali asked, dredging up old memories that thinking of just made me unhappy. He closed the distance I’d put between us and ignored the hand I used as a boundary. His chest pressed tightly to it, urging me to drop it.
I didn’t. I couldn’t.
“No. You can’t,” I said, making sure to keep my voice gentle. I didn’t want to hurt him.
Especially not when hurting him
would leave me broken.
He winced anyway, that blow striking him like a physical thing. “Let me try,” he whispered, dropping his forehead to mine as tears filled my eyes.
“I can’t lose them,” I whimpered as the devastating thought of not having them spread through my mind.
He closed his eyes, shifting his head against mine slightly. “And I can’t lose you, Little Bird.”
“You never had me, Vali. Not really, or at the very least, not anymore.” Those brown eyes opened, sorrow pouring between us.
“I should have. You should have been mine first.”
I almost nodded. In a perfect world, maybe I’d have lived a long, normal life with Vali, loved him and only him, had his children. My heart would never have been torn into five pieces, different paths with different people.
But in that perfect world, Gaylord and Alec Gaius would not have failed in bringing about my rebirth. I’d never have fallen in love with Alec Gaius. I wouldn’t have Ronan or Emerson. I couldn’t choose between them and Vali.
But the choice had already been made for me, because I was already committed to Alec, Ronan, and Emerson. In this imperfectly wonderful world, I’d been theirs first, and that was how it would stay.
“Fate didn’t work that way,” I said simply. “I’m theirs.”
Something like stark determination crossed his face. “Gods, couldn’t it have been anyone else? I could handle sharing you, that’s not something I’m averse to. And I know you all do some sharing, but I just can’t, not even for you. Not with them.”
“I understand. They feel the same really, so I know.” It was true. He’d been in the Order long enough so sharing partners was probably easier and more common for him that it was for me. But the aspect of sharing wasn’t what really bothered him, and I knew that, without a doubt.