by Kenna Bardot
It didn’t mean I was any less devastated about it.
His lips hit mine. A soft brush at first, barely felt. That thick bottom lip felt like a cloud against mine, hardening as he exerted more pressure. His hand cradled the back of my head as he deepened his kiss even though I didn’t do anything at all. I didn’t move. I didn’t trust myself to react, because I might have kissed him back.
And I couldn’t do that.
He pulled back as slowly as he’d closed the gap. I was about to step back, and only his gaze darting away from me gave me pause as I turned. Ronan stood a few feet away, his jaw clenched, but something other than anger emanated from him. Something I never thought to see in my dominant, beautiful hard ass of a man.
Devastation.
“Ronan, it’s not-” I started, cutting off when those sad eyes left Vali and turned to me, stopping my explanation.
“Let’s go, Kaia,” he said gently, and I nodded. Moving away from Vali felt like a final goodbye, like he would finally give up on me as I was surely giving up on him. In some ways, I felt relieved, knowing I wouldn’t have to fight the pull he had over me anymore because he would turn it to someone else again. I prayed it wouldn’t be to someone as horrible as Pia but the way things went, he probably would.
“It is not lost on me that you mean something to her.” Ronan surprised me. He spoke over my shoulder, voice reasonable. Hard, yes, but very reasonable. I turned to find Vali’s angry gaze fixed on him. “The only reason I haven’t hit you this time is because she doesn’t like it. Last time I did, deservedly, she didn’t speak to me for days, and I am not living through that again.” I reached Ronan and buried my face in his chest, feeling so much love as he wrapped his arms around me. He respected me and my wishes enough to restrain himself, and I knew it could not have been easy, beating back the fury that was his first, most primal instinct.
“That said, I only have so much patience. Do not put your hands or your mouth on my woman again, Madden. You do, the problems we’ve got now will seem like nothing.”
“You think I care?” Vali’s voice was like bullets that struck me from behind. I burrowed my face deeper into Ronan, taking in his scent - raw and just pure man.
“I think you have an opportunity to show me you’re more than just the self-centered piece of shit I think you are. If she means something to you, Zeevar, if she means anything to you, you’ll stop doing this to her.” That was what sent me over the edge, my body racking with silent sobs. Ronan cupped the back of my head, massaging the sensitive skin at the base of my skull in quiet support.
Because he was right.
“If she wants me to leave her alone, she’s capable of telling me. Don’t put words in her mouth.” I heard Vali’s voice move closer, but Ronan’s voice hardened. I would have been surprised if Vali had not stopped.
“You keep saying that you know Kaia so you know that my woman is far too sweet to tell you to leave her alone, especially since it would hurt you and that’s the last thing she wants. But it is what she needs, and that’s gotta come first over the layers of emotions and feelings she has for you.” A hand ran down my hair, a simple comfort. “So let me lay it out for you because it appears you are incapable of understanding. She does not exist for you. Not now, not ever, unless she approaches you. I will not involve you in our shit again by asking you to look for her, since you didn’t even bother to tell us when you’d found her. And that says a lot about who you are as a man, Madden, because you let our differences matter, allowed us to suffer, to worry about our woman.”
“Stop referring to her like she’s an object who can’t speak for herself,” Vali sounded outraged, his voice breaking as it echoed in the hallway.
“I only speak for my woman, because you can’t seem to take a hint.” Ronan grabbed a fistful of my hair as my tears fell harder.
Vali’s voice iced over, “She’s not yours, Daniels. She’s hers.”
“Oh?” Ronan chuckled, all dark amusement. He placed his hands on the side of my face and untucked me from his chest. He looked down at me with nothing but sincerity. “Woman, you mine?” he asked.
I sniffled and rubbed my eyes as I nodded. My voice broke as I whispered, “Yes, Ronan.”
He turned his eyes back to Vali. “That’s what makes her mine. So yeah, I’d say she is.”
Vali turned those brown eyes to me, but they were iced over much like his voice had been. “Don’t expect me to wait around for you to come to your senses, Little Bird. You let me walk away right now, and I could very well be taken when you decide I’m worth your time.”
“I’m not going to change my mind, Vali. As sorry as I am to say it, it’s never going to change. You know I wish it could be different, but I can’t give up three men I love for one. If you hadn’t been so competitive with Alec Gaius, things might be different. Maybe you’d be part of us right now.” I fought the urge to bury myself back in Ronan’s chest, the comfort I knew I would find there was an irresistible temptation I couldn’t allow myself to have. I needed to be strong enough to watch Vali walk away, since I was the one sending him away in the end.
“Well, fuck. Maybe I can go back in time and change history, sure. Dammit, do you think that’s what I want? You’re choosing them over me? When you know I’ve loved you for longer, loved every single part of you, every single variation of you, good or bad.” His voice was angry, harsh even though he spoke of love.
“I think it doesn’t matter in the end, and that I need to stop dancing around it with you.”
Vali gave a sharp nod of his head, turning on his heel and walking away without another word. Ronan tried to wrap his arms around me, but I swatted his hands away and wiped at my face.
“Woman,” he growled. “We both know that needed to happen.”
“Why do you hate me so much?” my voice cracked so I whispered it because I didn’t understand it. All the moments of intimacy when we were a group, all the peeks to reveal a man who cared. Was I just the vagina that made his bond with Alec Gaius and Emerson possible? A necessity rather than a real desire?
“Hate you? You still think I fucking hate you?”
“That was cruel to make me do that with Vali. Before I wanted to, before I was ready. You only do that to someone you hate.” I crossed my arms across my chest.
“Woman, if you think I hate you then you haven’t been paying one ounce of attention. You think I concern myself over the well-being of people I hate? You think I make sure they’re eating, training, doing whatever they can to survive? You think I go and track them down when they don’t show up where they’re meant to be? You think I ask a guy I cannot fucking stand if he’s seen her, because I’m so worried for someone I hate?”
“I-”
“No. I’m talking now,” he interrupted, and I shut my mouth. “Trust me, I have enough going on in my life to bother with someone I don’t give a shit about. I do those things, because I’m fucking in love with you, woman, and you got your head so far up your own ass you don’t even see it.”
“Ronan.” I stepped towards him, flinching when he stepped back.
“I’ll let the guys know you’re alive. They’ve been worried too, and none of us deserve that.” His hand ran through his hair. “But it’s best if you stay in your own room tonight.”
“Ronan,” I pleaded, desperate I would lose him.
“Take the night. Think about what I said. Because if you can’t see all the goodness that you have with us, then maybe you aren’t the woman I thought you were. Maybe you deserve to be with Madden after all.”
He too turned away and walked away without another word. “Ronan!” I yelled even as my throat ached from all the crying, but he didn’t so much as pause. He just left me standing in the hallway wondering what in Zeevar I’d done.
✽✽✽
Lottie ambushed me the second I stumbled in the door, which was really quite a feat seeing as Otto had been lying on top of her semi-naked, hands buried in her hair. She dismissed him without
preamble although she did give him a pretty hot kiss by the door. “Another night, honey,” she cooed at him before shutting the door and locking it behind her.
“I’m sorry, Lot. I’m always ruining your fun, aren’t I?” I apologized on a hiccup.
She didn’t say anything and instead handed me a cool metal cup that was filled with water. I took a big gulp before putting it down on my nightstand and burying my face in my pillow.
“It’s cold.”
“Mhmm. Just like the goblets in the dining hall. I bought it from the Earths. Comes in handy when you miss having a refrigerator.”
I chuckled at that. I did miss some of the electronic conveniences from the Outside. But the Order did manage to find a way to replace them with their own inventions.
“You’re the best, Lot.”
“I know.” She sat by my head, running her fingers through my hair as she watched me press my fingers to swollen eyelids that felt like they might burst into flames.
“You should never rub at your eyes, Kai. It’s horrible for your skin,” she admonished, and I barely contained a glare. “Now, tell Aunty Lot everything.”
“It’s nothing. Everything will be fine.”
Lie.
“Kaia, you look like you’ve been crying for hours. Where are the guys?” She swatted at my hand, clearly losing patience with my evasiveness.
“In Alec Gaius and Ronan’s room, I expect.” I sat up, even though I mourned the loss of her petting my hair.
“And you’re here why?” Her hands were in her lap, looking all demure and proper. So basically the opposite of what she usually was.
“I was invited to not join them tonight.”
“What?” she breathed, and her face betrayed every bit of the shock I’d felt.
“I messed up. I think I messed up bad, Lot.”
“Fess up, darling. You’ll feel better and we’ll figure it out,” she assured me, and I felt a little better knowing I had her.
“I think I’m in love with five men.”
“Five?!” she questioned on a shriek. “I can only think of four. You bitch; you’ve been holding out on me!”
I barked a laugh, leave it to Lottie to be upset she was missing out on gossip while I felt like my heart had shattered into a million pieces. “You have to promise me you won’t say anything. I don’t know what will get him in trouble, but I don’t want to take any chances.”
“Obviously I would never tell anyone something you told me in confidence. Zeevar’s sake, Kaia. The Order doesn’t concern itself with our sex lives anyway. Least of all those of us above the age of consent. No one would get in trouble for consensual sex.” I snatched the cup off the nightstand, downing it like a really, really giant shot. It was a shame it wasn’t alcohol even as the liquid cooled my throat.
“Do you want any more?” she asked me, but I shook my head. She sat back down and waited a beat. “Well, who is it?” she finally asked.
Toying with the empty cup, I didn’t make eye contact when I murmured a soft, “Gaylord.”
"Gaylord?” she asked, and I looked at her to find her eyes confused and her head cocked. Those eyes widened as realization set in. “Gaylord as in Gale? As in Air Docent Gale Porter?”
I nodded sheepishly, my hand scratching at the back of my neck.
“Well, I can’t deny he’s a hot man albeit a bit too serious for my tastes. Not about me. Are those feelings returned?”
“I’m not- I can’t be sure,” I admitted. “I suspect he feels something for me, at least, and I’m positive he has strong feelings for Ronan. But he’s never crossed that line, and I have to be okay with that.”
She continued to stare at me for a moment. “You have to be okay with that?” she asked, like it wasn’t obvious.
“His career is important to him, Lottie. I understand his not wanting to risk it-”
She barked out a laugh. “That’s a ridiculous, pathetic excuse.”
“What?” I gasped.
“I already told you this. The Order is not a meddlesome bunch of assholes, Kaia. We have rules to abide by, yes. But Docent Porter doesn’t grade Trials nor does he make qualification decisions. While he’s responsible for teaching and training, he does not evaluate in any way. If you rubbed your relationship in everyone’s face, they may not be altogether pleased about that. But a discreet relationship, they would not care one iota about.”
I sat silently for a moment, considering her words. While my first instinct had been to be relieved, because that was one more piece of my heart I could collect, I knew better after my second thought. If Gale had wanted me, wanted us, he’d have thought about this, known about this. If even knowing this we weren’t worth the risk, then the reality was he must not want us very much. That was somehow even more depressing.
“He has to know that. If you know that with absolute certainty, then there’s no way he hasn’t considered it.”
She tilted her head to the side and spoke deliberately. “Don’t do that. I basically rationalize you making a move on a man you want, and you turned it around to him not wanting you enough? Did you ever consider it might be something else holding him back? Perhaps the fact that, while he’s still sexy as fuck, Docent Porter is seven years older than you and eleven years older than Emerson?”
“Oh my Zeevar. How did I not realize that? He backed off when Emerson-”
“I suspected as much,” Lottie confirmed. “A lot of us grew up together from childhood, Kai. And I’m pretty sure Docent Porter was basically an adult when Emerson was reborn. So it’s definitely a big age gap to him, which probably makes him question if it’s appropriate for an entirely different reason. The reality is that Emerson is a baby, Kai. But my real question is: what does that have to do with you being kicked out of the guys room tonight?”
I winced, admitting, “it doesn’t,” in a low voice. “That was about Vali.”
“Not fucking Vali Madden again,” she hissed out, thumping a fist on her thigh as she did so. “I don’t really know Vali well beyond having slept with his friend, Cel. Sexy as fuck by the way. But, you know, I’d probably have said that aside from his choice in women, he wasn’t too bad of a guy. Competitive, yes, but good at his core. Now? Now I think he’s just all around shit.”
“Lottie!”
“Ok, he’s not complete shit but he’s an ass. And he for sure treats you like shit. Doesn’t he, darlin’? He’s done nothing but cause you grief since he found out about you and Alec Gaius.” She stood up, grabbing the box of tissues from her vanity and a small bottle filled with a pale purple liquid. “I like him, sure, but I hate him for doing what he’s doing to you.”
“Ok, you’re not wrong,” I admitted grudgingly, desperate to cry again.
“Eyes closed,” she said, and I obliged. She dabbed a wet tissue at my eyes, and the sting faded to only a memory under her deft hand. “You still love him.”
“Yes.” There was no hesitation, because there was no doubt in it. The kind of love I had for Vali had endured my entire childhood and through my adulthood, an almost subconscious part of me that had triggered when I’d seen him again. It wouldn’t just go away because he acted like a dick every now and then, especially not when I knew it was because I hurt him repeatedly.
“He probably sees what me and others can see as well - that you and your men are programmed to last. Yes, the sex just drips off of the four of you, but there’s something else to your relationship - deeper and more complex. So he’s recognized that it isn’t the kind of thing he can just wait out, so he’s trying to pull you away from them. But, it’s cruel because it causes you pain and it’s selfish. I’m not saying I don’t understand him, because I do but I don’t like it, and I don’t think he deserves you - yet.”
She finished up with my eyes and tossed the tissue into the wastebasket. “Thanks, Lottie. My eyes feel loads better.”
“Crying creates ugly, darling. Don’t rub.” She pointed at me before walking off to return her potion to her vanit
y. One day, maybe I would understand what they were all for. Though that said, I seriously doubted it.
I sat up and scrubbed at my hair. “What do you mean ‘yet?”
“Look, I grew up in the same house as they did, only in the girl’s side. That was after I tested for the Zeevar jar and it was discovered I was an Air. Anyway, as I was saying, I grew up there but by that point, it was already quite well-known that Alec Gaius and Vali weren’t on good terms - they were like the two dominant, competitive personalities fighting to be the best so I understand why Vali feels the way he feels. I’m not defending Alec Gaius and the others, they’re not perfect and they have their flaws. But the fact remains that we’ve reached the point where their anger for each other is more detrimental than beneficial. So, he has to see your men as individuals beyond that veil of anger and they have to, in turn, be able to accept that change. If he can learn to love them because they come with you, and maybe see how great you function as a group, then I’m perfectly willing to reconsider his shit status. Until that day, nope.”
I chuckled at her, and I knew on some level she was right. I was willing to have Vali as a friend, but he hadn’t wanted to settle for that. So, I’d had to lose him instead. “I still feel bad.”
"Don’t. But if you really want him? Make it happen.” She shrugged at me. “You’re beautiful, inside and out, and you’ve got all these guys wrapped up in you. You want all of them? You take them. It’s that simple.”
“But it’s not that simple,” I argued.
“Might not seem it at first, but it really is in the end, Kai. Look, I know it’s rich coming from me who appears single as fuck, but the choices I made I’ve made because of things I’ve wanted for my own life. But, you do you, Kaia Wren. Own your shit, own your body, go for gold, and take what you want.”
“I bring Vali into the fold, I’ll likely lose Alec Gaius, and I’m sure I’ll lose Ronan,” I hated knowing that it was true.
“AG and Vali have history, but it’s rooted in childhood. They let that go? It’s easy enough. The real challenge is Ronan since he’s your caveman, the one who protects you and, yes, controls you. All Vali needs to do is prove to Ronan that he deserves to be part of your life because he adds value to it. Your gain, not Vali’s because Ronan worships you and always has your well-being in mind, sweetheart. He does that and Ronan cools and accepts things, accepts him.”