Her Three Wolves

by Lilly Wilder

  I looked at the wound again and noticed how it was fading quickly. I understood now how Jackson could have healed more rapidly than any other man.

  “And I’m guessing you can’t just talk to him?”

  “Ishmael is not a man that can be reasoned with. He is quite insane. He has tried to rally the clans to form an army and take the fight to humans, to reclaim this land for the wolves and push back human civilization. The rest of us would prefer to live peacefully, but it seems as though not all of us are going to have our wish. I don’t want to spend my life fighting him off. I have lost too much already.”

  “He doesn’t sound like a pleasant person. I’m sorry that all this has happened. I can’t imagine what it was like for you to lose your clan like that,” I said. I was still reeling from learning that he was a werewolf. It was difficult for me to process everything else he was telling me, but it certainly went a long way to explaining why he and the others were on edge. “But I still don’t see how I fit into all of this. Why bring me here? What makes me so special?”

  Jackson smirked. “Don’t worry, you’re not the subject of a prophecy or anything like that.”

  Part of me was dismayed. All of my life I’d been told that I wasn’t special, so the thought that I was central to a werewolf prophecy had brought me a great deal of delight, but I supposed it was too much to ask for that to come true as well.

  “But as I said it is our duty to make the clan strong again, to maintain the traditions and pass on the lessons that were passed down to us. In order to do that we need children, and the children must have a mother.”

  At first I couldn’t believe what he was saying, but as the truth dawned on me I felt my skin crawl. There was a hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach and I couldn’t quite believe he was actually implying what I thought he was implying.

  “You wanted me to be the mother?” I asked.

  Jackson nodded sagely.

  “But why?”

  “Well,” he said, “the mother of werewolves must be a strong-willed person, fierce and independent. These are qualities that must be passed one. But we also needed someone who would not be missed, who would not have anyone come after here. We needed someone strong enough to endure the process, but who was also forgotten by the world, and when I saw you I knew that we had found the woman who was going to be mother to our children. It just so happened that you didn’t come with Mel and we were forced to change our plans. We never intended any harm to come to her, or you for that matter.”

  “No, you just wanted to take my body and use it to incubate your children so that I can give birth to a new race of werewolves,” I said, unable to believe that I actually said that sentence.

  “I know it’s a lot to take it…”

  “A lot? That’s an understatement. First of all thank you for the backhanded compliment by the way. I’m glad to know that the only reason you chose me was because I was so pathetic that I didn’t have any links to the world and wouldn’t be missed at all. But then how can you possibly believe that this is the way to go about forming a new clan? Surely it’s better to actually find someone who wants to be a mother, who wants to be a part of this. Isn’t there some other wolf woman who could volunteer? Did you really need me? And you know that I’m not going to be enough, right? To have a whole clan you’re going to need a lot more women.”

  “I know, and we will in time, but we want the first children to be strong. And you’re wrong, we didn’t choose you because you’re pathetic. We chose you because you’re like us. Our senses are stronger than your own Millie. We can tell a lot from just a smell.”

  “And what does my smell say about me?”

  “That you are strong and kind, that you are a force of nature and won’t let anyone or anything stand in your way when it comes to something you want. Your genes are compatible with ours and we would have very many healthy and strong children. Breeding is seen as a great honor in our culture, and I apologize if I have disrespected you.”

  “But why the altar?”

  “Because it is said that the children born from the altar will be the strongest, and will have a long and proud reign. It is our hope that our children can integrate into the world better than we did. It has been made clear to us that wolves must fully incorporate themselves into human life. It is not enough to dip our toes into the waters of society, we must be able to climb the social ladders and put ourselves into positions of power so that we might have the strength to deal with people like Ishmael through other means than war. But it is too late for us. Only our children have the chance to do so.”

  “If you want your kids to integrate themselves into society then I think you’ve picked the wrong Mom. Do I really strike you as the kind of person who is good with people?”

  “Oh but you are Millie. It was not a coincidence that we came to the Rainbow Bar that night. We had been observing you for a while. When you first came to my attention I decided to watch you and I saw that you were adept at talking to people. For some reason they gravitated towards you even though you spoke to them savagely and often seemed to want nothing to do with them. I have no doubt that if you entered the world you could become anything you wanted to become, and perhaps if your children are free of the baggage that you carry with you they might be able to immerse themselves in the world and make good impressions.”

  “Baggage?”

  “Mel told us all about you Millie. You have endured a lot of suffering, but that can be at an end. We are offering you the chance to be a part of a family, to do something noble and honorable with your life, to raise a powerful clan back to its rightful place, to bring into life powerful warriors who can be a force for good. Can you honestly say that you have ever thought of doing anything like this before?”

  I looked at him, still stunned by everything that he had been saying. I hated thinking that he’d had me pegged even before we met. It made me feel stupid and powerless. I hadn’t known anything about them and they were already planning to make me their queen. Jackson had complimented me, but I still wasn’t sure if he really knew me at all, because that certainly didn’t sound like me. And the thought of me being a part of a family…well…

  “I’m sorry Jackson, but that’s just not me. I don’t know where you’ve gotten these ideas from, but I’m not the kind of woman that can be a part of a family. Mel might have told you a few things about me, but even she doesn’t know the whole truth. I get that you’ve endured a tragedy and you’re trying to fix it, but this isn’t the way to go about it. You need someone who wants to be here. You can’t force someone into being a mother. It doesn’t work that way, and I would have thought that you would be wise enough to know that. Next time you should try leading with the truth.”

  “And if I had, would you have come with me?”

  “No, I wouldn’t have, but I’d think a little better of you.”

  “Well, I’m sorry that you think so little of me. I’m just trying to do what’s best for my family.”

  His head sagged and I realized the weight that must have been on his shoulders. Suddenly a question popped into my head. He had revealed himself to me in a way that I hadn’t expected, and I suddenly felt an affinity towards him, as though I could share the parts of myself that I had been hiding as well. If I couldn’t share them with a werewolf then who could I share them with?

  “What’s it like, being a part of a clan, having two brothers, having people to support you all the time?” I asked.

  “That’s something I haven’t lied about,” Jackson said, referring to the brief conversation we’d had at the Rainbow Bar. “Being part of a clan always gave me a home, a place to turn whenever I felt lost. Having my brothers around me gives me strength. I know that they count on me to look after them, but I also count on them. We carry each other and protect each other. I could never imagine living a life without them, and I’m grateful every day that we made it out alive, even if the rest of our clan didn’t.” He rubbed
his eyes. “I mourn them every day. I think about my parents and the others…all of those who still had plenty of life to lead. We all had plans, we all had things we wanted to accomplish and Ishmael just came in and stomped on them all. By the time we realized what he was doing it was too late, and he had already killed most of the strongest warriors. The ones that were left put up a fight, but it was clear it was a losing battle. Father looked at me and as he did so I knew that it was my duty to continue the legacy of our clan, no matter what. It brought me great shame to run away from that battle and leave my people to suffer and die, but my calling was greater. If we had stayed we would all have died, and the clan would have died with us. At least this way we can remember those who are no longer with us.”

  From the way his words were so heavily weighed down with emotion I got the sense that although he said he knew he had to do his duty, he was really holding a lot of guilt for having survived the cull. I wondered if Logan and Jamie were feeling the same thing.

  “Is that what Logan meant when he said that you and Jamie had saved his life?”

  “We pulled him out just as one of Ishmael’s minions was about to kill him. We ran with him, away from the carnage, fleeing like cowards. Even though I have no desire to die part of me wishes that some other wolf had the duty to carry on the legacy of the clan so that I could have enjoyed the honor of dying with my companions on the battlefield, rather than waiting to be picked off by Ishmael. But let me ask you a question Millie. What is it like to be alone?”

  “It’s…I mean, it’s okay I suppose. I get to do whatever I want when I want. I don’t have to worry about anyone else. I don’t have to tell anyone where I’m going, or check with anyone about how long I can stay out. I don’t have to feel like I’m being monitored, or have anyone to tell me what to eat or drink. I don’t have to go to places I don’t want to go. I don’t have to see people I don’t want to see. I’m free really.”

  “And what price has freedom brought?” I wasn’t sure how to answer his question, so I was glad when it became clear it was a rhetorical one and he was going to answer it himself. “You spend your evenings in a bar with people you do not consider friends. You do not have any meaning to your life other than that which you ascribe to it yourself. You do you not share your memories with anyone else, you do not share your experiences. When you die you will die alone, without anyone standing over your grave, and without anyone to mourn you. That is the truth death. Death is the absence of all things. The people of the clan will not truly die until we forget them, and that is why it’s important for us to continue the legacy. You say that you are not the type of woman to become a mother Millie, but what type of woman are you? Are you content to live out your life as a ghost, waiting for the cold embrace of death to finally alleviate your suffering, or for once in your life are you willing to take a chance on other people and involved yourself in other people’s lives? Are you willing to try and do something that goes beyond your own ambitions, beyond your own selfishness?”

  “I…I don’t know. Jackson, what you’re asking me is beyond anything I’ve ever been asked before. I can’t just say yes, especially not after the way you’ve treated me.”

  “I’m truly sorry for that, and you can be sure it will not happen again. I am just so desperate to perform my duty. I do not my clan to die. I do not want to fail in my duty.”

  As I looked at him sitting there, helpless on the bed, I couldn’t help but see the man rather than the wolf. This was a man weighed down by a tragedy, burdened by responsibility, struggling to see a way through. I wasn’t quite at the point of forgiving him for what he had done, but I could almost understand what had driven him to such extremes. He had lost everything apart from his brothers, and he had almost died again by another of Ishmael’s minions. He was trying to hold onto the past while building a future, and it didn’t seem as though there was enough of him to go around. He stood for more than I had ever stood for. I had lived my life in the shadows, and as a result I hadn’t accomplished anything at all. He was right when he said that when I died I wouldn’t be mourned, I would just be forgotten. Even now nobody had come to find me, and I was left feeling rotten.

  He wanted me to be the mother of his children, mother to a new generation of wolves, but I was still determined to escape, although I wasn’t going to tell him that yet. I realized that I needed to make some changes to my life if I was ever going to become the person I could be.

  I rose from the bed and walked to the door.

  “Are you going to try and run?”

  “Not yet,” I smirked. “Thank you for telling me the truth. It’s given me a lot to think about,” I added more seriously.

  “I hope that you do take what I said under consideration. It’s not easy to find a woman like you Millie.”

  I left the room and returned to my own room with much on my mind. Was I really as special as he thought I was? As I left I reflected on what I’d seen and my mind returned to that moment when he had turned into a wolf. Looking back on it now I wasn’t as scared as I thought I would be. In a way I was enchanted by him. There was more to the world than I had ever imagined. There were secret clans of werewolves living among us, and it showed me that I had lacked perspective before. I thought back through my life and wondered if I had ever met a werewolf before without knowing it, or if I had met anyone else with a strange, magical secret. I found myself wanting to know more.

  14

  That evening at dinner I wasn’t just brought food on a tray, I was led out of my room by Logan to the dinner table where there was a place set for me. Jackson wasn’t there, for he was still too ill to move properly and was resting, but Logan assured me he would be back on his feet as soon as possible. There was a slight edge to Logan’s voice, which I assumed came from earlier when he had caught me with Jamie, and Jamie was his usual self, although he seemed more confident when he looked at me now; he looked away less.

  We had some meat, vegetables, and potatoes. It was a basic meal, but filling, and it was cooked well, with a few herbs mixed in to give it some flavor.

  “I assume you’re used to living off the land and cooking for yourselves?” I asked. “Jackson told me everything. Everything,” I said, making it clear that I knew their secret. I assumed Jackson had told them anyway, but I wanted to ensure there was no doubt between us.

  “Cooking, sometimes, but we’re more used to hunting, although we didn’t think you’d appreciate us bringing back a carcass,” Logan said. “Besides, we’ve been trying to not shift too much in case it draws undue attention.”

  I was reminded of what had happened to their family and I felt sorrow swell up inside me.

  “I’m sorry for what happened, for what Ishmael did.”

  “Thank you, but it’s okay. We live to fight another day at least,” Logan said.

  I looked at him as I chewed on some meat. “You’re different from when we first met. I had you pegged as the happy go lucky sort, the kind of guy that nothing could bring down. Was that just an act?”

  He gave me a weak and weary smile. “No, that is me, but time does take its toll. I just want this all to be over and, well, frankly I don’t agree with how we’ve treated you. Jackson explained it and he claimed it was the only way and when he explains things they usually make sense, but something about it never felt right and, well, I’m glad things have turned out the way they have I suppose. I just wish we weren’t driven to doing this in the first place.”

  “I can imagine it was hard for you all, but yes there were other avenues you could have explored. Jackson seems to be carrying a lot of burdens around with him.”

  “As is natural,” Logan said, glancing at Jamie. “We all are.”

  “Yes. I’m…I’ve never been part of a clan or anything like that so I don’t know what it must have been like to lose everyone you ever loved. I’ve never had anyone love me.”

  “What about your family?” Jamie asked, with all the innocence of youth
, as though he couldn’t comprehend that a family might not be filled with love like it was supposed to be.

  I laughed grimly and exhaled deeply. “Well, you know Jamie, I suppose since you’ve all revealed your secrets I should tell you mine. The fact of the matter is that I was never wanted as a child. My parents had me when they weren’t ready, and when I came along I guess they just assumed they would be able to handle it, but they couldn’t. I heard them scream at each other, I had to endure them screaming at me, and I knew that I could do nothing right. They didn’t have the patience to teach me and they blamed me for ruining their lives. They split up and as soon as I could I left, not wanting anything to do with them again, but the sad thing is that they both have other families now. My Dad is with another woman who already had a son, and my Mom met a man who also had a son, but she has a little girl with him as well. I’ve seen them together. She looks just like I did at that age, and I can’t help thinking that she’s living the life I was supposed to have.”

  The two of them looked at me blankly and I looked down at my plate. I hadn’t meant to reveal so much about my past, but once I began talking the emotions poured out and my words flowed like wine.

  “Then we all know what it’s like to be alone,” Logan said.