Rising to darkness

by Lucia Guglielminetti

  The bed was right in front of the entrance.

  I could see a figure sleeping under the covers, but I could not see it well. Despite this, my other senses revealed that I was in the presence of the person I was looking for. Now that I got a whiff of it again, her scent was unmistakable even if masked by other more heavy and unpleasant odors. I found myself holding my breath without even realizing it: the intrusion into my mother's olfactory world seemed offensive. I walked over and sat on the bed beside her, resisting the urge to caress her haggard and aged face. My cold hands wouldn't have been the most appropriate medium for a pleasant awakening.

  "Mother, wake up, it's me, Raistan, your son..." I whispered, leaning by her ear. I saw her shiver and slightly move, then her eyes opened wide and stared at my smiling and excited face.

  "Is that you, mijn Engel? Is that really you?" she said, stretching her arms above her; I moved to avoid her touch and her glance didn't follow me, instead it remained fixed at the exact point where I was before. I realized there was something wrong even before noticing the white, milky layer that covered both her eyes.

  "Yes, mother, it's me. What happened to your eyes?"

  She didn't even answer my question, but she clung to me in a hug that was similar to that of Ambrosine when I showed up at her door after I transformed. I tiptoed into her mind, reading happiness, confusion and wonder followed by bewilderment and fear as she noticed the coldness of my skin, which was then immediately driven away by the hope that everything was all right and that there was a logical explanation for all that cold. I know, reading my mother's mind was not the right thing to do, but I absolutely needed to know what she felt in order to be able to adapt my behavior to the circumstances. Her new disability had changed everything: I could avoid telling her the truth and stay with her for a while, pretending everything was fine. No one in his right mind would be eager to confess to his own mother that he had transformed into a bloodthirsty creature.

  "Raistan, oh, Raistan... what... how... why are you so cold, my son?"

  What could I possibly reply to such a question?

  "Don't worry, mother, I'm fine, I'm here. What about you? Why didn't you answer my most recent letters?"

  "I've been blind for the last five years, I couldn't. For a while, I was able to see some silhouettes, but eventually they disappeared in the darkness too. However, speak; I want to know everything. Are you married? Do you have children?"

  I told her glimpses of my previous life. I told her about Kristen, my job, how good the Palmers had been to me, and the solid position I had created thanks to them. I had to inevitably lie to her and omit the last seven years of my life, but the joy I read in her mind as my tale proceeded was worth the regret.

  "I must wake Annika up; she'll go crazy with joy in seeing you again!"

  She tried to get up but I prevented her. My nurse wouldn’t be so easily fooled and I was trembling in fear for her reaction when she’d lay her eyes on me.

  "Later, mother. Let her rest a bit more. Tell me about you. What happened after I left?"

  "Oh, it wasn't pleasant, mijn Engel. Your father seemed as if he was mad; he wandered around the house screaming your name..."

  "My name? He never tolerated me! I had to flee because of him!"

  "He was a broken man, dear, I could sympathize with him. I never forgave him for the way he treated you, but I understood how his grief could have brought him to that point. And as he wandered around screaming Lars' name and yours, saying he had lost both of his sons, I realized that he loved you too..."

  "Why didn't he ever show it to me? Why did he always make me feel like I was undesirable, as if there was something wrong with me?"

  I was furious and walked back and forth across the room at about the speed of lightning when, at that exact moment, my nurse decided to come in without knocking, worried about the voices that had awakened her. Seeing an indistinct blob dashing about the room, lit just by a few candles, she gave out a terrible cry and pressed back against the door behind her, as pale as a sheet and with her hands over her mouth. I confess that the inhumanity of my nature tried to take over, suggesting that I should kill her to avoid the impending disaster, but I managed to control the impulse. I stopped in front of her and stared intently at her with my cold and menacing eyes.

  "Annika! Annika, what's going on? Look, Raistan is back," my mother said, getting up from bed and crossing the room to reach the nurse with her hands outstretched in front of her.

  Annika embraced her like she wanted to protect her, without taking her eyes off mine.

  She gave a look just as hard as mine though veiled in fear.

  "I see, Madam. It's a great surprise, yes... that's why I screamed..."

  It was a very intense and very strange moment. Never had my condition seemed so distant from that of humans. If that little woman who had fed me and treated me like her own son turned against me and saw me as a danger, it would have meant that I really was one and our paths could no longer meet.

  "Annika, so nice to see you again. I thought you were dead."

  "Not yet, my dear, not yet. Why don't we go into the other room to have a private talk?"

  My mother felt the tension between us without understanding the reason: Annika had always loved me and I had always been very fond of her.

  "Is there something wrong?"

  "Don't worry, ma’am, everything is all right. Isn't it, Raistan Van Hoeck?"

  "Of course, Annika. Would you offer me something to drink? I'm dying of thirst." I purposely emphasized that verb out of pure malice and saw her wince and turn even paler. She took me by my wrist; she dragged me out of the room and downstairs to the kitchen where she lit all the candles of the candelabra on the table with trembling hands. I took a chair and sat on it astride, resting my forearms on its back. I was irritated but also amused by that tiny woman's courage; as I sat, my face was about at the same level as hers.

  She drew her crucifix out from the collar of her nightgown and brandished it against me, making me laugh.

  "I don't think it works that way, Annika, I'm sorry. Listen, I'm not here to make trouble and I don't want to hurt anyone. I just wanted to know what had become of her."

  "And you? What about you, my boy?" she asked with a trembling voice.

  I shrugged and smiled at her. "It’s a long story and this is the result. It's not bad; you just have to get used to the new... diet."

  "You've become some kind of monster and you're happy about it?"

  "I can't say I'm really happy, but the alternative was death, so..."

  "The boy I raised would have rather been dead, I am sure of it."

  "Evidently you didn't know me that well. I'm that boy."

  "That's not true. Not anymore. My Raistan would have never looked at me like you did before when I caught you dashing around the room. I'm sure that you thought about killing me for a moment back then so that I wouldn’t have been able to tell your secret to your mother, didn't you?"

  I lowered my eyes and didn't reply, wounded. Annika had never been a stupid woman that was certain.

  "Now, I am going to tell you what you will do. You go upstairs, say goodbye to her, and never come back. Either that or I'll tell your poor mother what you have become, giving her such sorrow that would kill her."

  In one bound, I stood up and pushed her back against the wall, showing her my fangs in a scary growl.

  "Who do you think you are giving me orders? I could kill you with one finger, do not forget that! This is my home, if I want to stay here for a month, I will stay, no matter what you say, silly woman!"

  She slapped me, leaving me in shock and aghast, staring at her and about to tear her into pieces.

  "Just because you've become some sort of demon does not mean that you are allowed to disrespect me. You will do as I say or I swear I'll be responsible for your death if it’ll be the last thing I do. Soon it will be dawn, you will need to sleep, and when you sleep you're as harmless as a child, right? How will
you be able to rest peacefully knowing that I'm out here ready to burn you alive?"

  "It's easy. I'll kill you first," I hissed, knowing I didn’t have the courage. And she gave me the reason for my reluctance right after: "Do it and what's left of your soul will go up in smoke forever."

  I hit the wall a few inches above her head with a punch hard enough to leave an impression on the plaster. She flinched but never lowered her gaze, conscious that she had just trapped me.

  "After saying goodbye to her you'll stay in the stable together with your horse. I give you my word that you will not be disturbed. Tomorrow, at sunset, you will leave and never come back to this house, at least until your mother's alive. After that you can do whatever you want, but I won't let you ruin her final remaining days revealing to her that you've turned into a... whatever you are, that is if she survives the shock. Have I made myself clear?"

  "I should kill you, I really should! No one can talk to me like that!" I said, but I knew I had just been defeated. "I want a whole night. Just one night, tonight. I want it and I'm going to take it. I will not say anything that will upset her. At the end, I will kiss her goodbye and leave forever, but I have the right, Annika. I didn't ask for all this."

  "All right, Raistan. But just tonight. And be careful of what you say."

  I left the kitchen with my usual frightening speed and climbed the stairs followed by Annika at a great distance. Now came the hard part.

  When I returned to my mother's room, I found her in bed with an anxious impression looking towards the window.

  "You're going to leave, aren’t you? You're going to leave me again."

  It wasn’t a question, but rather a simple fact. I sat beside her and was about to take her hand, but then gave up. "Yes, mother, I'm going to leave tomorrow at dawn. I regret not being able to spend more time with you, but believe me, it's better this way."

  "Everything is not all right, is it, Raistan?"

  "Things have changed, but I'll manage. Don't worry about me. Now, please, tell me what happened all these years."

  And she recounted. She talked about a man ravaged by grief who died just after two years, two years of hell for the both of them, tormented by remorse of having caused my flight and nostalgia for my older brother. She talked about a lonely woman who had just wanted to sit down to cry but, instead, was forced to take up some of her husband's business in order to survive. She talked about her loneliness, alleviated only by the presence of the faithful Annika. When she stopped talking, it was time for me to take my leave.

  "I have to go now, mother. I'm sorry."

  "Come here, I want to touch you for one last time"

  "Mother, maybe it’d be better not to..."

  "Obey your mother, young man!"

  With a sigh, I walked over to her and let her trace the lines of my cold face with reluctant hands. On her face different expressions alternated, the result of an inner turmoil that plagued her. She smiled as she felt the softness of my hair, the familiar curvature of my jaw, and the strong prominence of my cheekbones that she had caressed a thousand times. In contrast, she was puzzled by the unnatural coldness of my skin; I had read it in her mind. When she came to my lips, she noticed the strange convexity created by canines and her confusion escalated dramatically. I escaped from her examination, I took her warm little hands in mine and kissed them, getting up from the bed. I felt tears in my eyes but, this time, I didn’t hold them back anymore.

  "Promise you'll take care of yourself... for me" I said.

  She nodded with tears flowing down her cheeks.

  “I have already told you once and I will tell you again: you are the best son a mother could have ever wished for, and you will always be... no matter what. Do not let anyone convince you otherwise. Will you promise me that, mijn Engel?"

  I had to get out of that room before I started to cry like a baby.

  "I promise. Goodbye, mother. Forgive me, if you can."

  I kissed her hands for the final time and rushed out of the room where I found Annika with tears in her eyes too, waiting for me.

  "Are you satisfied now?" I snarled, surpassing her without even looking. When I didn’t receive any reply, I turned around. There was an expression of so much pain on her face, such regret and broken love that I couldn't hold her gaze for more than a few seconds.

  "How could I be satisfied, my baby? There’s a woman crying behind a closed door who had just lost her son for the second time forever, and here's a child whom I loved as if he were my own transformed into something unmentionable. How could I be satisfied? Tell me."

  I descended like a fury down the stairs and went out into what was left of my garden. In the background, in the dark, stood my friend, the oak. I was tempted to climb it as I used to do when I was a child, but I felt that dawn was not far away. I had to find a suitable accommodation for me and my horse which absolutely needed to be groomed.

  In the stable, I got to work and drew comfort from simple tasks which allowed me to calm down and helped me not to listen to the persistent little voice that insistently told me to kill Annika in order to be able to stay with my mother for as long as I had wanted. I knew it was wrong, that it was the more selfish and pettier part of me talking. I could not listen to it or I would have regretted it for the rest of my life.

  At some point, she came to me and stayed to watch me under the light of the torch with her arms folded. We did not speak. I continued my work, casting occasional sidelong glances at her as she followed my every move with an impenetrable expression.

  "Nice horse - she commented finally - and he's not afraid of you. Not even a bit."

  "I treat him well, why should he be? He is my only friend. And now, thanks to you, I don't even have a family."

  For the first time in all the evening, I saw her blush and look down, embarrassed.

  "I wouldn't have done any harm to her, you know. - I continued - I just wanted... I don't even know what. To feel loved again by someone, I guess. It doesn't matter anymore though. Not to you, anyway. You've already decided that I'm a monster, right?

  More silence. Her eyes still fixed on the ground.

  "You must allow me to sleep in the basement. This place isn't safe enough for me. I need complete darkness, do you understand?"

  I looked at her for a moment, feeling the inner conflict that stirred within her.

  "Do I have to beg you, Annika? Do you really want to do away with me?”

  "How can you... All right. Sleep in the basement but, at sunset, you must leave.”

  "You have already made that clear, it's impossible to forget. Thank you."

  She gave a curt nod and went back to the house; when I went down in the basement illuminated by a torch, I found an amusing bed on the floor made out of straw and blankets. Annika was nowhere in sight, but I caught sight of Gimmick, my old stuffed rabbit, all patchy. Once we had been inseparable and it was incredible that he had passed unscathed all those years. I turned the torch off, laid down with the rabbit on my chest under my crossed hands, and fell asleep.

  When I woke up the following evening, I found Annika sitting on a crate just steps away from me staring at me with a strange smile. I winced and sat up suddenly, startling her too.

  "Are you crazy? I could have killed you without realizing it! Never, never disturb a vampire's sleep!"

  "So that's what you are. I didn't know the exact term... I wasn’t disturbing you anyway; I was just looking at you. The great demon sleeping with his stuffed rabbit!"

  In fact, it wasn't something I wanted to talk about then or ever. I stood up and threw the rabbit in her lap, embarrassed, not knowing how to counter her irony.

  "The sun has set; it's time for you to go. I have already saddled your horse and also fed him."

  "You're really looking forward to getting rid of me, aren't you? How is my mother?"

  "She's very sad and I'm afraid she suspects something, but she wants to pretend that what you told her was all true. She'll get through it."
>
  "It was true, at least everything before all this happened. I didn't lie to her."

  "Then I'm even sorrier for you because you had to give up a lot. What about now? Where will you go?"

  "Paris. I had moved there, at least for a while. Time no longer means anything to me."

  I took my horse by his reins and led him out in the scented night followed by Annika at a short distance. Before mounting, I turned towards her wanting to say so many things but not knowing where to begin. And, as it often happens, I didn't say anything, I just stared at her trying to imprint her image in my mind forever. She moved towards me, hesitantly, holding my rabbit, her face flushed with emotions. Eventually, she stretched her arms to me and I let her hold me for a brief hug, embracing her back. I then took the rabbit from her hands, put him in a pocket of the saddle - deep at the bottom - and mounted, winking to her and forcing a strained smile from her through streams of tears.

  "Goodnight, Annika, sleep well" I told her just like I used to when I was a child before bed and, just like in the past, she answered me: "Goodnight to you, my little man."

  Then she turned away and walked briskly towards the house, trying to stifle her desperate sobs to no avail.

  I still had one important task to do before leaving my hometown forever: an unfinished business with Mr. Two-colored eyes from the nearby village. I was in the mood to hurt someone and I hadn't eaten yet.

  I tied Coal by the big tree near on the edge of the field where I had to play "fox and hounds" many years ago and started to walk towards the village. I wasn't concerned about the fact that I did not know where my prey lived. I knew how to be very persuasive when it came to getting information from people.

  It was about 10:30 in the evening, the tavern was full of people and even in the streets you could have met someone enjoying the fresh air. Too early to act. I wanted that the chat with my friend would remain as confidential as possible. I climbed on the roof of the house opposite the tavern. With a bit of luck, he could have been there having a nice cold beer. I hoped he was enjoying it since it was going to be his last. An hour passed as I spied customers coming and going with no trace of my torturer. For all I knew, he could have been dead or could have moved elsewhere. In any case, I had to find it out. When the lights in the tavern went out, I observed the last night owl who, clearly drunk and staggering, opened the tilting door of the pub and went whistling along the main street. In an instant, I jumped off the roof and landed behind him as silent as a cat but much more dangerous. I grabbed him shutting him up with my hand and dragged him kicking and outraged in the alley between two houses.