Rising to darkness

by Lucia Guglielminetti

  "There's nothing to be ashamed of, it's not your fault. You'll soon be as handsome as you used to be, I promise. Your skin will smooth out eventually, it's just a matter of time. Now we must feed you properly, you have to put some meat on those bones."

  "She took her clothes off as well and went into the tub with me, even though I was filthy and disgusting. She did it naturally, just like the first time when I was strong, young, and attractive and I had been able to make love to her. I still couldn't remember that fact but I was grateful that she wasn’t afraid of contaminating her beauty with my monstrosity sharing that bath with me.

  As I let her wash me, she tried to unravel the horrible tangles in which my hair had turned. In the end, she had to cut them almost completely off, but it was no problem since they would grow back again in three days’ time. She also tried to understand what had happened to me and recounted her version of the events. Before that, she asked me the question that was causing her so much distress: "Do you remember me, Raist?"

  I lowered my eyes and shook my head. It seemed like a terrible offence to admit it, but she was a perfect stranger to me at that moment. I must say she took the blow with grace.

  "I know your name is Shibeen. The vampire that was here before..." I hesitated. I, too, had a question revolving in my mind for some time. "Tell me, what is a vampire? Are you one?”

  Her astonished expression frightened me. I must have said something heinous, probably.

  "Yes, Raistan, I am. And so are you." She spoke very slowly, staring at me. To this point? her eyes were asking.

  "Am I? Really? And what's special with us?"

  I can believe it was her next thought. Damn it, I could read her mind.

  "We... sorry. Do you mean you don't know what you are?"

  I was mortified and she noticed it.

  "Forgive me. I forget how terrible it must have been what you've been through. All right, take a seat, I'll tell you everything all over again. And when you know all about us vampires, I will tell you who I am, how I know you, what you are to me, and how I managed to find you. First, you have to feed, though. Drink from me, come on."

  Now I was staring at her, dumbfounded. "From you?"

  "Of course! Come on, my blood is very powerful, you'll feel better. I will tell you when to stop. Try to control yourself, ok? I don't want to hurt you but I can't allow you to drain me, all right?"

  I nodded and she leaned forward, offering her throat to me; but, when she noticed I didn’t move, she looked at me again, puzzled.

  "What's the matter? Aren't you thirsty?"

  "I am. Don't... don't I disgust you? I am a monster. How can you stand to be touched by me, to have my lips on your perfect neck? I can’t do it."

  She took my face in her hands in response and covered it with little gentle kisses; "You could never disgust me, never. I love you, Raist; I spent the last year looking for you everywhere. I'd die if you weren't here. Now drink. As your maker, I command you."

  I obeyed and the flood of her blood in my mouth was the most delicious thing I'd ever tasted.

  It gave me a brand new strength and an unexpected new mental clarity. While I drank from her, endless images flowed from her mind into mine and then I saw. I saw a good-looking man, tall and muscular, with a barely visible shadow of a beard on his very pale face and strange blue eyes with red flecks. He was in bed with her and she was caressing him and playing with his long blond hair, like mine but infinitely more beautiful; I saw long fangs protruding from his mouth. I watched him taste her in forbidden places that I detached from her hastily, startling her. I buried my face on my hands. I wanted to die of shame, and it wasn't just a figure of speech.

  "I'm sorry... I saw things about you and your life... I'm sorry, I didn't do it on purpose, just that intimate images came gushing..."

  Incredibly, she laughed and pulled my hands away from my face.

  "What did you see?"

  "I can't say. It's too embarrassing."

  "I was thinking about a certain thing. It cannot be more embarrassing than that. Come on, I bet you didn't understand what you were seeing."

  "Won't you get angry? Won't you leave?" I was really pathetic, I know, it's even depressing to admit it, but I swore to myself that I'd be absolutely sincere in telling this story and so I must report even those details which may ruin my reputation.

  "I promise."

  "I saw you with a good-looking blond man, a vampire, I guess. He was... uhm... was..."

  “Sucking my inner thigh? Yes, you have always liked to do that."

  The pronoun did not escape me: "Why are you saying 'you'? It means that..."

  "It was you, yes. I was thinking about the last time we made love."

  "You're kidding, it's not possible. It's simply not possible! How can we be the same person? Look at me! Look at these hands. Look at this body! It is... an eyesore! He was perfect!"

  "Raistan, you've been exposed to the sun for who knows how long and you’ve spent more than a year lost somewhere in the woods, perhaps in water, wounded in the most terrible way for a vampire, without feeding in a proper way. It's normal that you would look the way you do now! It's a miracle that you didn’t die or turn into something worse. When we found you yesterday, I feared that you..."

  “Can something be worse than this?"

  “There are revenants. Vampires who for some reason lose their mind and their memory and wander in darkness unaware of what they are, governed only by instinct. Seeing you, realizing you couldn't speak, that you weren’t capable of recognizing me and that all you wanted was to get into the ground was the worst thing that ever happened to me, and I assure you I've been through a lot in seven hundred years..."

  "Even now, I still don’t know who you are and, if what you say is true, I don't even recognize myself nor what I really am. Maybe I've already become one of those..."

  "No, you haven't. You just need time and a lot of blood, believe me. Do you trust me?"

  "I... I think so. Nevertheless, as far as I’m concerned, I've only known you a few hours. Tell me Shibeen, tell me everything. I desperately want to remember everything."

  She complied with my request, embracing my chest with one arm and making me rest against her. I suspected that it wasn't the first time we had taken that position. Her voice, so soft and warm, retraced our entire history, from my transformation by her own hand to my return after the expulsion by her. She told me about our departure for Paris and even about the catastrophic first encounter with Vincent. At this point, I should have been the one to fill the gaps in the story, but even if I had remembered, I couldn't. Soon after I heard Vincent's name, I fell asleep in her arms, aware for the first time that I wouldn’t be in any danger.

  14 - SHIBEEN'S TALE

  (How to find someone who's lost in the dark)

  This is the story as Shibeen told it to me. It's about love, dedication, and tenacity and will probably be the most beautiful pages of this book, demonstrating that even some of us can have those feelings which humans attribute only to themselves. Not all monsters are vampires, and not all vampires are monsters.

  “On November 28, I woke up with a start: I had dreamt that you were surrounded by crows tearing your flesh with their beaks. As you know, I've always believed in my dreams since childhood. The night before the onslaught of werewolves on my village, I had a terrible nightmare. I saw flames engulfing huts, people; I heard screams and howling. I think I would have been burned as a witch eventually if I had not become a vampire. I saw things before they would happen and, from a certain age onwards, I started to dream about the crows. Crows were messengers of doom, they have always been, but the victim of this misfortune didn’t appear to me every time. I dreamt about them the night Vincent was seriously wounded during a battle; and again when my brother Kilyan, the seventh among us, a vampire too, died lynched by an angry mob that tore him to pieces and burned him. Moreover, I dreamt about them the night before your last match at the Hammerfall when that bastard a
lmost killed you. That was a real shock to me: I didn’t realize how much I already cared about you because my nightmares had only ever concerned members of my family. It was a sign, eventually you would come to be a part of it, I knew.

  On that occasion, it was even more dreadful as the crows in my dreams had never attacked the person who was with them. Typically, they simply flew over them. So, the fact that they massacred you like that terrified me above all else. I remember I started to scream like a lunatic and my brothers rushed to me, even though it was still daylight and we weren't supposed to get up yet. We could feel the light bearing against the window shades and weakening us, but I couldn't sleep anymore. I had to pack up and go to Paris to look for you because I was absolutely certain that something serious was about to happen to you or had just happened. Not even my brothers dared to object, they knew very well that the bad omens of my dreams had always come true, unfortunately.

  Thanks to my network of human friendships, I was able to arrange for our departure that very night. My brothers had refused to let me go alone as I was going to do at first. I must say that I couldn't have made it without them. I would never have been able to face the terrible ordeals that I encountered in the forthcoming months.

  I knew you had moved out of my house into your new apartment as you wrote me about it when you returned from your travel to Holland, but you had never given me your new address. I was groping in complete darkness. When I arrived in my house in Paris and didn't find you there, the little part of me hoping you had changed your mind and remained there shattered in pieces. I sat on the steps of the staircase and started to cry.

  "Concentrate, Shibeen! You're his maker, you're connected! You must feel something!" my brothers spurred me on.

  In fact, in theory, I should have had visions of you in danger; but, try as I might, in my mind, a wall had been raised that I could not break through.

  Then, I had an epiphany: maybe I was unable to see you because you were fine, because nothing had happened yet and I still had the chance to save you from any danger. I had the dream just the night before, after all. There was also another alternative, though, but I refused to even consider it: that everything had already happened and you were dead. I, however, immediately dismissed this thought from my mind and started to look for you together with my brothers. It was frustrating. I had the distinct feeling that time was very critical and that there was not much left. I was going crazy due to my inability to find you. We scampered the streets of Paris all night long, questioning all my contacts in the city, asking if they had any news of a tall, blond vampire, but you seemed to have disappeared into thin air. I even tried to look for Vincent in his mansion I knew of, but he wasn't there and nobody was allowed to tell me where he was. Not even my mental connection with him was working that night. I was too distressed and terrified.

  Suddenly, while we were walking down one of the hundreds of streets that we were following, I was overwhelmed by the dreadful image of you falling to the ground due to some unknown, losing your ability to move. I felt your terror as if it was mine, but I couldn't see through your eyes to figure out where you were or what had caused it. I fell down too, with my hands on my face in front of my brothers, assailing me with questions for which I had no answers. I merely said, “It’s begun…” Then, I just cried.

  The two days following were hell, as I knew it had to be about you. We doubled our efforts to find you, we combed every tavern, cemetery, even many of the brothels of Paris, providing your description to people often too terrified to answer. I don't know whether we visited the one where you were held captive, but it's unlikely since I didn't feel your presence when we were there. From time to time, my mind was shaken by images of the brutality to which you were subjected and the sensations you were feeling in those moments. I could see the flashes of light and fire, and I screamed as you screamed, fearing each time that it would be the definitive one, tearing in anger and then in relief when I realized you were still there. However, images were becoming increasingly out of focus, as if the mental link that united us was getting weaker. But, it was You who was weakening. Shortly before the moment I thought that it was the end due to the dreadful blaze, I couldn't perceive anything with a logical flow from you: some thoughts, as far as remote memories, a hidden plea within you kept like a secret, and that was all.

  I had locked myself in my room and didn't want to see anybody. I had lost all hope in finding you: all the cards had been played; I was just waiting for the end together with you. The idea of leaving you alone when it would happen - and I had no doubt about this - was unbearable. I couldn't even sleep because I felt that they would have chosen the sun to destroy you. They seemed to amuse themselves, didn't they?

  Then it happened, on the third afternoon from when I had my first vision about you. My brothers were there too. They chose insomnia rather than leave me alone. After what I had seen, after what I had felt, I didn't know what I would have done if they hadn't been there with me. But they are always there. I thank God for this. We were sitting on the carpet in my room and we were holding hands, forming a circle that also put them in communication with you, with the last glimpses of your conscience. It seemed a good idea to us to accompany you towards the end, the only way we had so as not to leave you alone, even though you'd have never known it. I remembered that Aoidhgheann, the one you call Ehy, the youngest and most sensitive of them, started to shiver. We perceived the first blaze and your desperate screams. We winced but our hands clung to one another more strongly. Seamus cursed, Aichlinn spat, Cinàed lowered his head even lower, Faithleann clenched his teeth with so much energy that his jaws and neck muscles throbbed wildly while poor Ehy was petrified by horror, staring at me with his eyes wide open, shaking his head.

  "You're not obligated to stay, Aoidhgheann..."

  "I'm not leaving you. I'm not leaving him either, he's a vampire and he's dying."

  I wanted to thank him, but I didn't have the time. That dreadful shining light we were seeing through your eyes exploded in our minds as well as your screams but, unlike before, it no longer faded although your voice became feebler and feebler until it eventually disappeared altogether. We sat there for some time more, until the darkness devoured everything, even me. I stood up and ran to the window. I wanted to open the blinds and let the sun take me too, but my brothers prevented me from doing it and stayed with me until the evening, silent and supportive.

  I felt like I was living a horrible nightmare.

  "Raistan is dead" my nightmare was saying, and eventually I had to believe it. We stayed in Paris for another week living with the hope which was getting weaker and weaker every day to receive some other signal from you, but nothing happened. In my mind, there were just silence and despair. In the end, we went back to London and to our daily life.

  I dreamt about you almost every day.

  Sometimes they were good dreams and I woke up with my pillow wet with tears; but, more often, I dreamt of your screams and the blazes of fire and my cries were joined to yours.

  More than six months had passed when the miracle finally occurred. One night, when I was talking to Aoidh about the tapestry in his room, I was in mid-sentence, paralyzed by shock. He looked at me alarmed for my expression must have been really frightening.

  "What's the matter, little sister?" he asked.

  It took quite a while before I was able to utter a sentence. I didn't want to delude myself, it seemed too crazy even to me.

  "I felt him... I felt him, Aoidh... I felt him..."

  "You felt who?"

  Just pronouncing your name hurt me.

  "Raistan. It was just a moment, but I felt him. He was somewhere in the dark and he was afraid."

  His expression was just as frightening too now.

  "It's not possible, we all saw him die... More than six months had passed, how..."

  Nevertheless, I was lost again for I had felt you once again. You were in the grip of a very strong emotion which was transmitted to me
too and made me shoot out of the room shouting for my brothers. Convincing them was extremely hard because, for many days after that, I stopped feeling anything more. I was starting to think that I had just imagined it all due to my desperate desire to see you again.

  When it happened again and the vision lasted for several minutes, giving me a rough idea of where you were, I didn't want to hear anything from my brothers and persuaded them to go to Paris. I had seen it, distorted and frightening, through your eyes. Now I know that the reason why it seemed so strange and menacing was that you feared that you had to go back to it...

  Once in the city, our quest through the streets, taverns, and cemeteries started again. I often found myself talking to you, begging you to give me some useful sign that would help us find you, but entire weeks passed without the slightest signal from you and, in those moments, my determination wavered. Arguments with my brothers occurred on a daily basis, especially with Seamus and Cinàed who eventually decided to go, leaving me to handle my madness alone. The other three didn't have the courage to leave even if staying with me meant covering miles and miles every night and delighting themselves with my tantrums, God bless them.

  When I woke up every night, I recalled the flashes that I had perceived, especially the last one, the longest one, your strange way of seeing the city painted in theatrical colors such as red or green, a sick green, shades that a child would use to depict something that frightens him. And I got there, Raistan. In the end, I concluded: if I was seeing what you were seeing, as if I was looking through your eyes, then you couldn't possibly be in the city but outside of it because it was from there that you were looking at it with fear! My brothers hardly had the time to get dressed before I dragged them to the stables to take the horses to go beyond the walls. I was elated because, for the first time, I wasn't groping in the dark but I had real hope. It was better not to think of all the wasted months looking for you in the wrong places, when I had the solution in front of me the whole time... Now I had to live with the fear that it was too late and that you were gone who knows where.