Bittersweet

by Jacquie Underdown

  ‘I want you,’ he growled against her mouth with breath and urgency. ‘Every second of the day, you’re all I think about.’

  Amy arched up on her tiptoes. He gripped her buttocks, lifted her, and she wrapped her legs around his waist, curled her arms around his neck and kissed him like her life depended on it.

  And that’s how she felt. Nothing else but the aching need to have him deep inside her mattered.

  Mouth against mouth, body to body, hands always touching, they managed to pull just enough clothes off to make this work. And then he was inside her, her back to the wall just inside the shop, and her head was arching backwards with the fullness of him right there where she yearned for him.

  Holding her in those big strong arms, never letting go, he filled her up, again and again, until she was soaring through the stars unwilling to ever come back down.

  Amy was exhausted by the time she climbed into bed, Tom beside her. She rolled onto her side; he wrapped her in his strong arms. The rightness she felt now was in such conflict to how she felt in all other moments.

  Tom brushed the hair from her face and kissed her neck. ‘I can’t bear for you to push me away later,’ he said.

  Her heart panged with regret. Pushing him away had only ever been for self-preservation, so it didn’t hurt so much when she had to leave. Pushing him away was the only way she could stem the guilt she felt for living when her best friend no longer was.

  ‘I won’t,’ she said.

  ‘We’re allowed to feel the way we do.’

  Her throat thickened, tightened. ‘I know.’

  He kissed her again, lingering against her skin. ‘Good night, Amy.’

  ‘Good night.’

  After a length of time, when she could hear his steady breaths had deepened with sleep behind her, she whispered to the air, ‘Rachel, you were right about Tom. But I’m so scared. And I’m confused. I don’t know what move to make next. Everything feels so uncertain.’

  Amy tensed, aching for an answer back. But like always, it never came. She sighed as she reached for her phone, careful not to disrupt Tom behind her.

  Inside this phone, her best friend was still alive. All the smiling, happy pictures of her were there for her to see, as though she could lift the veil of death. But she hadn’t been able to confront them yet. She’d seen glimpses accidentally and went into a spiral of grief so great she wondered if she’d split open right down the centre.

  Rachel’s voice was on there too. She hadn’t deleted that last message she left. Amy dialled her voicemail and put her phone on speaker, turning down the volume a little. She replayed the final voice message Rachel had left on her phone.

  And there was her best friend’s voice, speaking to her as though she was still here in this world of the living.

  A lump caught in Amy’s throat. ‘I love you too, Rachel. I hope you know that. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me. I regret nothing more than missing your call that night. But I promise you now, I am doing everything I can to make it up to you.’

  Amy pressed her face into her pillow and cried, so consumed by this horrible aching pain, guilt and need, she couldn’t breathe it hurt so much. She wished she could see Rachel one more time and tell her everything she needed to say. Just one more time.

  Chapter 21

  Tom rolled over and wrapped his arm around Amy, splaying his fingers over her warm stomach. Waking beside her was an act he played over and over again in his fantasies, yet here he was in her bed, her warm body pushing against him, a reality.

  ‘Good morning,’ he whispered in her ear, then kissed her bare shoulder.

  ‘Good morning,’ she said as she rolled to face him, keeping the blankets high over her shoulder. A smile spread across her face as their eyes met and just a hint of bashfulness was present in the set of her mouth.

  He grinned back, though a whisper of uneasiness dwelled in his chest. They’d been here before, and it hadn’t played out well.

  Last night she had said she wouldn’t push him away again, but this morning was a new day with opportunity for those old feelings of guilt and ‘wrongness’ to intrude.

  Tom stroked stray strands of blonde hair from her forehead, tucked it behind her ear. His body swelled with the need to nurture her, take care of her in every sense, though he dampened the sensation, afraid to let flourish until he knew her mindset. ‘How’d you sleep?’

  ‘Really well, actually.’

  ‘You sound surprised.’

  ‘I am. I haven’t slept well since …’ She shook her head and stretched her arms behind her head.

  She didn’t have to finish the sentence, he knew what she meant—since Rachel died.

  ‘How about you?’ she asked.

  He smiled. ‘So good.’ Then just to test the waters, he added, ‘We may have to try this arrangement again.’ His heart stuttered as he waited for her reaction.

  Amy drew a deep breath. ‘You would like that?’

  ‘Very much.’

  She nodded. ‘Me too.’

  Relief was evident in how his entire body relaxed.

  ‘Our timing and circumstances are all wrong, but I can’t stay away from you. I tried to resist you, Tom Mathews, but I can’t.’

  Blissful hope swelled in his belly, moved through his limbs and sat around his heart to hear her speak like that.

  He had presumed he was the only one to feel this way. Sure, he knew there was an attraction, she had said as much, but he had thought that Amy’s emotions and desires didn’t run quite as deep as his own.

  ‘I feel the same,’ he said.

  She pressed a hand to his bare chest. Just that simple gesture ignited a bounty of lust. When her blue eyes met his, she whispered, ‘So what do we do about this?’

  He didn’t know exactly. He’d not been in a situation like this before where he was falling for a woman with whom he had no future with. But he did know that over-thinking things or adding unrealistic expectations wouldn’t work. ‘Let’s not make plans. We’ll just let this playout between us how it needs to.’

  She peered at her hand for a long moment. ‘What about when I leave?’

  He shook his head because that question had an answer that hurt too much to say out loud. ‘Let’s not think about that just yet.’

  Her gaze found his again. ‘And, Mitch?’

  A different sensation altogether scuttled through him—a tight mixture of guilt, grief and sympathy. ‘I think it’s best if he doesn’t know.’

  ‘Me too. Not that I want to be creeping around behind his back, but I also don’t want to hurt him. And I think this might have the potential to.’

  ‘Yeah, I think so too.’ He leaned closer and pressed his lips to hers. The feel of her chest pressing again his own, the heat of her body, the soft give of her mouth made him hard. ‘I’ve got to get back to the vineyard early. Sam’s heading into Melbourne for a meeting, so I’m the only one there today.’ He traced his hand over the curve of her hip, along her thigh. ‘I’m going to make you breakfast before I leave.’

  She smiled.

  He shifted direction, gliding his hand up her stomach, over her breast. A soft sigh fell from between her lips and her eyes closed as he focused on her hardening nipple. ‘But I don’t want to get out of bed quite yet.’

  ‘Then don’t.’

  As Tom was pulling in to the vineyard, Sam rang. He took the call over his Bluetooth connection.

  ‘Hi, mate,’ he said.

  ‘Where are you?’

  ‘Almost there. Give me three minutes.’

  ‘You didn’t come home last night?’

  He knew that was a leading question, requiring an answer as to why, but he just said, ‘No. I didn’t.’

  Sam chuckled. ‘All right, I’ll talk to you when I’m looking at you.’

  Tom pulled up in the car park a couple of minutes later. Sam was waiting for him outside the Admin building. He was tapping his watch.

  Tom hurried out of the car and
met Sam halfway.

  ‘Get a bit side-tracked this morning?’ Sam asked with a tormenting lilt to his smile.

  Just thinking about his morning with Amy made him breathless. ‘A little.’

  ‘So what’s happening with you and Amy?’

  Tom shrugged. ‘We’re just going to see how it goes. No plans.’

  Sam nodded. ‘Sounds like fun. Until you head back to work.’

  Tom sighed. Did he always have to take it there? ‘Seriously, Sam, you just won’t let up about that, will you?’

  ‘Hey, I’m going to keep on trying until you see sense.’ Sam slapped his back and grinned. ‘But I reckon Amy will do a better job at that than me. I signed those contracts, they’re on your desk. Just waiting on yours and Mitch’s signatures, then they can be scanned and emailed.’

  ‘Okay. I’ll do that first thing. And you’ll be back when?’

  ‘Tomorrow morning. But I’ll give you a call after my meeting today to brief you.’

  Sam was the man who met with the suppliers to renew contracts or negotiate new deals. It was easier for him to travel—Mitch had always had Rachel, and Tom was usually at the mine.

  ‘No worries. I’ll see you then.’

  After meeting with his staff, Tom headed over to Mitch’s.

  Tom knocked on the front door, nerves dwelling in his guts. This was a new reaction to seeing his brother, probably because every time he saw Mitch with all the grief that hung around him like heavy clouds, it was incredibly tough.

  ‘In here,’ Mitch yelled out.

  Tom headed through to the lounge to find Mitch sitting on the couch with Sophie in his arms. He was feeding her some formula from a bottle, and the little sounds of sucks and air bubbles filled the room. Mitch’s eyes were bloodshot, cheeks wet.

  ‘How are you going?’ Tom asked. A moot question; it was obvious that Mitch had been crying.

  Mitch shook his head. ‘Sometimes I’m good, but then other times …’ His words caught in his throat and more tears fell onto his cheeks. He wiped them away with his shoulder as both hands were occupied. ‘I miss her so much.’

  Tom took a seat next to Mitch and put his hand on his brother’s shoulder.

  ‘I just keep thinking about where she is. Is she happy? Is she even in any place or is she just gone. Vanished. I don’t know.’ His words were strangled. ‘Does she even know about Sophie?’ Tears rolled down his face.

  Tom’s heart sunk, and he blinked back his own tears. ‘It’s so damn tough. I wish I could make it easier for you.’

  Mitch sniffled. ‘You and me both.’

  Tom placed the contracts on the coffee table. They could wait. ‘Have you had a coffee yet? Breakfast? You want me to make you something?’

  Mitch wiped his face. ‘A coffee would be good, thanks.’

  ‘No worries.’

  He gently squeezed Mitch’s shoulder before heading in to the kitchen.

  For the next hour, he sat with Mitch. They didn’t talk about the vineyard, only about Rachel, how much Mitch loved her, how funny and stubborn and romantic she was.

  And by the time Tom left, he was so flat his muscles ached.

  This must be how Mitch felt every second of the day.

  When Tom climbed back into his car and started the engine, he finally gave himself permission to cry.

  Chapter 22

  The morning’s cupcake preparation went well, despite nearly every thought centring on Tom. Amy hadn’t seen him since Monday morning. Though they had spoken on the phone and texted, she craved physical contact.

  After work, she planned to head over to his house for a visit.

  Amy finished mixing a batch of best-selling Cupid cupcakes and was scooping the batter into patty tins when she was inspired by another recipe. One a little more adventurous than the plain vanilla.

  It had been a long time since she had had a creative idea and a long time since she trusted her ideas enough to take them seriously.

  But as much as she tried to ignore it, it kept swirling around her head—vanilla bean, chocolate ganache, rich cocoa powder and dark chocolate chunks.

  ‘All right, I get it,’ she said, exasperated when the thoughts wouldn’t cease. So she wrote down some rough notes and pinned it to the corkboard. Getting it out of her head and on to paper was enough for her to concentrate again.

  Later that afternoon, Felicity stopped by and ordered ten cupcakes of varying flavours. She was dressed in her trademark flowy dress and bright chunky jewellery.

  ‘You know these Cupid cupcakes are getting a reputation,’ Felicity said as she stood across from Amy at the front counter.

  Amy’s brow furrowed. ‘How so?’

  ‘One of the girls in my office, straight after eating one, met a new love interest. And that’s not easy to do in a town this size, let me tell you. I can barely keep her mind on the job she’s so besotted. And she credits it to the cupcake.’

  Amy laughed. ‘How lovely. Seems Rachel’s matchmaking spirit is still strong in the cupcakes.’

  Felicity tapped her nose. ‘Just what I was thinking. That woman had special powers.’

  Amy thought about what was slowly blossoming between Tom and her and grinned. ‘Yeah, she did.’

  Felicity leaned forward, narrowed her eyes; a knowing smile stretched across her face. ‘Not you too? I know that look anywhere. It’s that Mathews boy, isn’t it? Jenny, my secretary, said she saw you both at the gastro pub in Wattle Hills.’

  Heat rose in Amy’s cheeks, answer enough because Felicity clapped her hands together and laughed. ‘That’s wonderful news. You’ll be a blessing for that family.’

  Amy wanted to explain that it was still so very new and there was no future for them, but she said instead, ‘I wouldn’t go that far.’

  Felicity shrugged and grinned mischievously. ‘You never know these things. Rachel did, of course.’ She reached for the cupcakes, taking the box from the cabinet. ‘Thank you for these, and I’ll see you same time next week.’

  ‘I’ll have a new recipe for the Cupid cupcakes too.’ Amy didn’t know why that burst from her mouth. It wasn’t like she needed the pressure. Or perhaps she did. This way she couldn’t chicken out.

  Felicity’s eyes widened and she smiled. ‘Looking forward to it.’

  When Felicity had left, Amy went out the back. She giggled as she peered up at the ceiling. ‘What are you up to, Rachel Mathews?’

  Blissful relief was a force within Amy’s body, tingling under her skin like effervescent bubbles. As she was driving to the vineyard, John, her real estate agent had called. He’d managed to sign a contract on the restaurant—for a price not as high as she needed, but it wasn’t as low as she had expected either.

  It was enough to almost wipe out the full mortgage.

  And with Mitch now home, and the lease on the Melbourne apartment finished, there was a little extra cash available to use for bills.

  In her belly, below all the weighted demands of grief, was an excited buzz because this may just mean she could stay a little longer. She could fulfil Rachel’s final wishes. And she could be with Tom.

  Maybe, just maybe, the universe was starting to cooperate.

  Tom and Sam were climbing from a car out the front of their house when Amy pulled in behind them. They both waved.

  Amy had to blink. This family was like stud stallions, each gorgeous, virile, and strong. And Tom, dressed in a pair of long pants and a sun shirt, his hair hanging loosely around his face complimenting that week-long stubble, made her legs wobbly.

  Tom came to her and kissed her cheek, lingering close for longer than ‘friends’ would. ‘Hi,’ he said. ‘Pleasant surprise.’ His voice was rough and deep in her ear.

  Breathing him in, her body swamped with want.

  His gesture, though a simple kiss, was unexpected; she hadn’t realised they had reached that point, but then again, they had slept together, a number of times, so a hello-kiss was quite a few levels down from sex.

  Yet, to
have him lingering at her cheek, felt like a huge, intimate step.

  She met his heated gaze, filled with so much promise. She swallowed hard. This game was over; she was lost in this man and from all that remained unspoken in that lustful stare, he was too.

  ‘All right, you two. Brother present. Obscene public intimacy not necessary,’ Sam said wrinkling his nose with mock aghast.

  Tom turned to Sam and laughed. ‘Obscene? I was saying hello.’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, with a side order of ‘get a room’.’

  Amy laughed then too. She held out the box of cupcakes. ‘Peace offering.’

  ‘Now we’re talking,’ Sam said, striding to her and taking the box. ‘How are you, by the way?’ he said with a wink.

  She smiled. ‘I’m really good.’

  ‘Good to hear. Come on inside,’ he said.

  Tom caught her hand. ‘If you like, I want to show you something first.’

  Sam groaned. ‘Again. Reminder. Brother present.’

  Amy giggled.

  ‘Mind out of the gutter, bro,’ Tom said.

  Trudging up the stairs, Sam taunted back at them over his shoulder, ‘Never going to happen.’

  ‘Jump in,’ Tom said, gesturing towards the car.

  ‘Can you tell me where we’re going?’ Amy asked after they’d buckled up and were driving along the track, past the main office. ‘Or is it a surprise.’

  ‘My house.’ He glanced at her. ‘Well, it’s more like my future house. At the moment it’s just land with the boundaries marked out.’

  ‘I’d love to see it.’

  A distance away, up on the top of an embankment was a flat piece of land. They climbed out the car and stood before a big rectangle that had been already cleared and was marked with a big red rope held taut by metal pegs shoved into the dirt.

  Amy stepped over the rope and onto the rocky soil.

  ‘Down here,’ he said, leading her to the other side. ‘This will be the master bedroom.’