Goodbye, Hello

by dimsumofallthings

  I took in what she was saying quietly, unable to remember hearing this story before. Wondering why it seemed both so familiar and strange that the Jung Hwan I grew up with would do these kinds of things without ever speaking of it, wondering how many more of his stories I knew nothing about.

  The thought left me feeling deflated. I want to know all of Jung Hwan’s stories. I want to be the first person he runs to when he has something to say. At this point I would settle for him just even coming home again.

  I bit my lip.

  "And you know Jung Bong Oppa was the one who wanted to be the fighter pilot,” my sister continued, her tone light. “Oppa told me himself that was his dream, but because no one really knew if he was going to live long enough to do it, and even if he did no one really knew if he would ever get the chance to, Jung Hwan decided on his own to do it for both of them.”

  I knew how much Jung Hwan loved his brother, how much he worried about him. Of course he would live and succeed for the both of them. That’s what he does. That’s what he does for the people he loves. I hoped that one day he would be that way with me.

  “Yes, he's a bit grumpy,” Bora Unnie finished, “but he has a good heart."

  "How come..." I finally said, when I could actually feel as if I could muster up something to say, "How come I have never heard of this?"

  "I don't know," Unnie replied. "But you know him better than I do."

  All at once I remembered Jung Hwan waiting for me as I came out of the study room with an umbrella. The way he would stand behind me in the bus. How quickly he came when I asked him to meet me and my friends at McDonald's.

  All of the things that he did. Without question or expectation. Without asking for anything in return.

  I had been so blind. Why would I hope for him to treat me in the future in the same way he does the people he really loves when he’d already been doing it all along?

  I swear, if I could throttle myself I would.

  "So... what are you going to do?" My sister's question took me aback. I didn't know how to respond, just staring at her as if I didn’t understand her question and as if picking up on this, she continued without waiting for a response. "You know what I always admired about you?"

  I shook my head no. What was there to admire?

  "You,” my sister began, her eyes almost soft as she looked at me, “always took everything head on without hesitation or shame. You always went with how you feel and showed it. It didn’t matter if it was it was anger or affection... You always wore your heart on your sleeve. It made people comfortable with you, made them feel like they could trust you.”

  "That's nothing," I dismissed. I just now admitted to myself that the man I love has loved me all this time and I had been too blind and too silly not to see it. There was nothing redeeming about that. "That was because I was young and didn't know better."

  "No," she said. "There's courage in that, as well. It takes a lot of guts to put yourself out there, regardless of the consequences."

  I kept my eyes on her as I took another drink, wondering why in the middle of me scolding myself (secretly) she was trying to make me feel better, like she wanted me to do something. "What are you saying, Unnie?"

  She flashed me another one of her knowing smiles. "Don't you think you owe it to yourself to discover whether what you feel for Jung Hwan is just a passing thing or something that could last a long time? Forever, even. I'm not saying tell him tonight or even tomorrow," she said. "But give yourself another chance to think it through. Give yourself time to figure out how you feel, and as soon as you do, tell him."

  "I can't exactly do that easily when he's living in Sacheon," I grumbled. "Who knows when I'll see him again?"

  "The last time I checked Sacheon was still part of Korea," she said, laughing.

  "What do you mean?"

  "Deok Sun-ah..." she said, regarding me with more affection than I can ever recall seeing before, "It's nice to see you haven't changed much, either." She chuckled for a few minutes before stopping, shaking her head at me. "You mean to tell me you can fly all over the world, but you can't figure out a way to get to Gyeongsangdo?"

  Sacheon, South Korea

  February 1995

  Jung Hwan

  I slipped off my jacket before lying down on the ground next to Dong Ryong, his breathing ragged and heavy. He threw the soccer ball in the air and caught it as I kept my eyes on the clear blue sky, another winter almost finished in Sacheon.

  "Yah..." I said, nudging his shoulder. "What's up with the unexpected visit?"

  He turned and looked at me, a small smile on his face. "What else was I supposed to do after you didn't come back for Christmas and New Year's, either?" He asked. "You should be grateful, you bastard... I'm missing out on a whole lot of tips tonight. Everyone knows Valentine's Day is not complete without a meal out."

  I chuckled in response. "You didn't have to come down."

  He regarded me with annoyance. "And leave you here at the base by yourself doing God knows what while others are all loved up?"

  "Not everyone is all loved up."

  "Yeah," he said, sarcastic. "Some of them are married."

  His own remark made Dong Ryong laugh and I smiled, relaxed against the ground. Cold wind blew over my face and I closed my eyes, the smell of winter in my nostrils, the scent of Sacheon still unfamiliar to me after all these years.

  How I wished I could be back in Ssangmundong, bringing home the chestnuts that my Omma loved, seeing the snow fall with Hyung, watching endless amounts of television with Appa.

  I missed my family, even though it's only been four months. It still pains me when I remember the look on Omma's face when she caught me sneaking out of the house the morning I left, and then again her reaction when she asked when I would be back and I could not respond. Something in my chest squeezed and I had to swallow.

  I'll make it up to her... I swear I will. Maybe when it doesn't hurt so much to think about what had happened with Deok Sun anymore. Maybe when I stop thinking that had I done things a bit differently, things would not be as they are.

  The guilt and regret came back to me now, as if they had always been there, waiting to catch me off guard. It seems that even with myself I could only hide things for so long. I lifted my arm and placed it over my eyes, its weight reassuring, the motion itself enough to calm my tumultuous thoughts.

  "Yah..." I heard Dong Ryong say, his voice even. "Are we ever going to talk about what you said that night?"

  I feigned ignorance. "What night?"

  "Oh," he said. "Is that the game we're playing now?"

  "I have no idea what you're talking about."

  "I really thought that you were just kidding," he continued, ignoring what I said, " until I got home and thought about it some more. And I've come to the conclusion that it couldn't have been a joke."

  "Of course it was."

  "Jokes don't usually involve memories that don't include the rest of the people you're telling the joke to," he said. "Or else how will we get the punchline?" I didn't respond. "And jokes are not usually made when there's a ring on the table."

  The memory of that night, pushed aside once I finally cried myself out, reared its ugly head.

  "This is me, Dong Ryong" he said. "I'm one of your oldest friends. And," he said laughingly, almost wistfully, "I'm not as dumb as I look. They didn't call me professor in high school for nothing."

  Part of me wanted to spill everything, to empty my chest of everything I'd been feeling. I wanted to tell him how long I had liked Deok Sun, how much I really thought that if I waited long enough, that I would be rewarded with her love. I wanted to laugh with him about having to pretend that I needed to tie my shoelaces over and over again just so I could be at the gate when she left for school, to tell him how difficult it had been to balance how I felt for her with how much I cared for Taek and didn't want to hurt him. I wanted to share all of these things.

  But I didn't.

  It w
as all over now. I had already said goodbye to that chapter in my life. What was the use to giving him privy to those things when it didn't matter to the one who did matter?

  "Let it go." My voice sounded gravelly, raspy.

  "No." I turned my head towards him to see him regarding me with a mixture of affection and disappointment. "I'm your friend and you can talk to me. You need to talk to someone rather than keeping yourself isolated from all of us. Sun Woo said you wouldn't even answer his calls. If he didn't need to be at the hospital tonight he would have been here with me. You know that."

  "He would have been with Bora Noona," I retorted, forcing my voice to sound light. "Are they actually back together now?"

  "I didn't even know they were together in the first place," Dong Ryong said. "Just another secret you people hid from me. I swear... with the amount of secrets around, one would wonder if we were all friends to begin with."

  "My brother is dating Deok Sun's friend," I said, wanting to make him feel better. "No one but me knows yet."

  "That's great for Jung Bong Hyung, but don't change the topic." His answer made me chuckle out loud, amazed that he always had the ability to look through all of us. "Is it about Taek?"

  "Is what about Taek?"

  He huffed in irritation. "What did I just tell you? I'm not dense. Let me put it in a way that you can't talk out of: is it because of Taek that you didn't pursue Deok Sun years ago?"

  I said nothing.

  Dong Ryong turned his whole body towards me and rested his head on an upturned palm. "You know... it's honorable that you respected the guy code by not making moves on a woman Taek already said he liked, but..."

  "But?"

  "But it doesn't really matter who said what first, or who liked who first. Deok Sun is not a piece of land that someone can lay claim to. She gets to decide who she wants to be with."

  "Deok Sun likes whoever she thinks likes her. And I... missed my chance."

  "Don't undermine our Deok Sunnie," he reprimanded. "Maybe in high school she was a bit confused, but high school was a long time ago. None of that counts anyway... what matters is now."

  "Taek still likes her," I said.

  "Again, that means nothing if she doesn't like him back. Listen," he said. "I love Taek as much as you do, but his feelings for her are not more important than yours. What you want, what you think, how you feel... those things matter too."

  I took in his words silently, unsure about how to respond. It seemed a moot point now anyway... it was all done and over with. There was no going back. I knew that as soon as I made the decision to confess. And perhaps that had been the reason why I did. I didn't want to go back.

  Loving her for all those years without her knowing had been enough. And I was unwilling to go any longer.

  "What if Deok Sun likes you?" His question took me off guard.

  "She can't like me." I blurted out the first thing that came to my mind. It wasn't even something I considered. I saw the way she looked for Taek that night at the cafe, after all. If she felt anything at all for me, my six years of silence had guaranteed that she no longer felt the same way.

  "How would you know?" He asked. "You didn't even give her a chance to process what you said before you took it back. That's hardly fair. How do you expect her to make the right decision without giving her all that she needs to know?"

  That's the thing, I wanted to say, why did it matter? I liked her all these years without expecting anything back, without knowing if she felt the same way. I want her to do the same. To like someone without using their feelings as a basis. Because isn't love like that? Is it not just taking a chance on a person knowing that you can fail?

  Deok Sun was always smarter than she gave herself credit for. Too often she didn't trust herself and her ability to go after what she wanted, to be whoever she wanted, afraid that she would fail.

  But still... I wanted her to take that chance on me.

  "I've made my decision," I said, sounding unconvincing even to my ears. "It's better this way."

  "I wasn't asking you to do anything, per se. I just... I guess, I just wanted to think about this whole situation from a different perspective. You have what you think you know, which is all well and good, but that's only your perception. You won't ever know the whole picture unless you consider the other person in the equation," he said gently. "In any case, Taek is our friend. So is Deok Sun. Not just yours, but all of ours. He's not just your responsibility to protect. And we want her to be happy, too." Dong Ryong took a deep breath. "But you are also our friend. We don't want to lose you over this."

  "You didn't lose anyone," I said carefully.

  "Oh yeah?" Dong Ryong answered. "Is that why I had to ride a bus for almost six hours just to see your face?" He smirked. "Don't avoid us and come home once in a while, huh?"

  "Yeah," I replied, finally relenting.

  "Good." Dong Ryong sat up, dusting his lap and putting the ball to the side before standing up. He put his hand out and I took it gratefully. Once we were both standing he placed an arm around me.

  Having him here brought a piece of home to me, and I was reminded again of how lucky I am to have had friends since childhood. It also reminded me why when faced with the choice of pursuing the woman I love and protecting that friendship, I chose the latter.

  I pushed the thoughts away and we began to walk in silence. I relished it: I was thankful that he did not speak of Deok Sun again. I thought of her enough on my own without anyone's encouragement. Already I was exhausted just from this conversation.

  Feelings and emotions definitely weren't my strong suit.

  "Yah... is there anywhere we can get a drink around here?" Dong Ryong asked.

  I thought about it, then against it. It was a bad idea. Going to work with a hangover may be an unpleasant but doable option for most, but not for someone who has to fly a plane. "I can't drink tonight." I gave him an apologetic look. "I'm working tomorrow."

  Dong Ryong grinned fully. "It wasn't for you, dummy, but me," he said. He frowned before glowering at me. "Has anyone ever told you that getting you to talk about feelings is worse than having haemorrhoids?"

  I looked at him incredulously and then I began to laugh.

  Incheon international Airport

  March 1995

  Deok Sun

 

  "Any plans tonight?" Ji Hye, a flight attendant I frequently flew with, asked as we were walking out of customs into the arrival gate.

 

  I loosened the bow around my neck and secured my hold on my luggage. After just finishing a nonstop flight from London to Seoul just a day after flying to London (for the same amount of hours,) I was dead on my feet. Even now I shifted my toes in my heels, eager to take my stockings off and get into my pajamas. And it wasn’t even 4 p.m. yet.

 

  I realized that Ji Hye was still waiting for an answer and I shook my head. "No... I finally have a day off tomorrow so I am going to rest."

 

  "On White Day?"

 

  Was it already White Day? I tried to remember what day it was (the days and nights are blending in together with my hectic schedule,) and realized that it must be. I lifted my shoulders in a shrug.

  "I don't have a boyfriend so why would I have any plans today?"

 

  Ji Hye peered at me curiously as we walked through the door that would lead to the airport's exit. "It's the first time you don't have a boyfriend or someone close to being a boyfriend since you started working."

 

  Actually, I wanted to correct her, I haven't had a boyfriend in about five months.

 

  For the first time in my life I was doing two things. One: l was taking my sister's advice and giving myself time. Two: I was trying to figure out what I wanted, or more specifically, who I wanted, rather than just saying yes to the first seemingly acceptable guy who asks.

 

  Apparently, upon closer inspection, I was picky
as hell. Or maybe it was because there was already a person against whom I am comparing every single guy I meet.

 

  The last few months I have been going home at certain important times, like Christmas and New Year's, fully aware that they were also military holidays, therefore increasing the chances that Jung Hwan might be coming home too. No such luck. So then I started coming home at random times (every opportunity I could, actually, if I was being totally honest,) thinking that if I just did it often enough, surely I would catch him when he's not expecting it and he would be forced to deal with me.

  That hadn’t worked either. I was a fool to believe that my persistence could trump Jung Hwan's stubbornness. A small part of me now feared that his quasi-confession had not been the point of what he said that night, but the message behind it, which sounded a hell of a lot like goodbye.

 

  The thought brought on a nervous fluttering in my belly. And not the good kind, either. I touched the chain hanging from my neck through my blouse, my fingers tracing its length until they reached the heavy ring resting across my chest. Close to where my heart is. Close to where he is.