Five months later and I am more convinced than ever that I never did get over Jung Hwan. And that at this rate I might never be.
As a teen I was always given to daydreaming, and it seems I had not lost that whim. Whenever I am drifting to sleep or starting to wake, whenever I am sitting in the plane on another flight away from home, my thoughts always find their way to him.
I imagine waiting to catch him at the bus stop, much like I once did, except this time I take his hand. I imagine that he was the one listening to music, and I was the one who grabbed the earphone from his ear, getting dangerously close, and then putting it in my ear. I imagined us trapped against the alley walls like we were the night of the retreat, except in my daydream we would be looking in each other's eyes, and he would lean down and...
Ji Hye cleared her throat and I looked at her, my face flushing. If either of my hands had been free, I might have fanned myself. What the hell was wrong with me? I wasn't sixteen years old anymore. And even then I had more sense than this.
"Deok Sun-ah," she said, searching the crowd in front of us. "I'll see you..." Her voice trailed off as her eyes locked on somebody, and I followed her gaze.
There, in the middle of the crowd, right in the center, was a face I knew. A face that I have seen more often in the last months than I have in the last few years. My friend.
"Is that Choi..."
"Taek?" I finished for her before nodding, a smile curving on my lips. "Yep, that's him."
Affection coursed through me as I beheld my old friend's handsome face, as innocent now as the day we first met. The feeling of familiarity brought on a surge of warmth and unmistakable joy from seeing someone who reminded me of home. And of him, the one I no longer saw.
Taek waved at me and whatever pleasure I had been feeling dissipated and was replaced by something else. Something I didn't want to name.
Uneasiness.
Taek was standing there, smiling like he always did. He had a bouquet of roses in his hands.
I shifted on my seat, looking around me in curiosity, wondering why Taek came to get me at the airport. And why we were now sitting in a fancy hotel restaurant, the silverware gleaming so brightly it made me uncomfortable.
Taek smiled at me as the server delivered some water, then handed us both menus. I tried to read what was in front of me, grateful for the fact that my profession required that I learn English. No more playing charades with my sentences these days.
"Do you like the flowers?" Taek asked and I lifted my eyes to see him looking at me with an expression on his face unlike anything I'd ever seen before. "My coach told me that girls, no matter the age, love flowers."
I tried to muster up a smile, feared it came out as a grimace, instead. I kept my eyes on what I was reading in front of me, but Taek was making me nervous. Him, and this place and these roses, I thought, wishing I could pluck the bouquet now sitting on the table and hide them somewhere.
"Have you decided what you wanted to order?" He asked, meeting my eyes over his menu.
"I'm not really hungry," I said. "Maybe just a salad?"
"You're always hungry," he teased.
I grinned, bashful. "Yeah, but this," I whispered, "Is not really my style. If you wanted to eat out we could have just met at a cafe or something. That's what we always did before."
"I didn't want to do what we always did before today," he said quietly.
I blinked at him, waited for him to explain, but the server came and took our orders. When he made no move to resume our conversation, I pried. "How did you know what time I was coming back?"
"No Eul told me," he answered. "I wanted to catch you before you came home." He took a sip of his water. "I never would have been able to speak to you otherwise."
His last sentence was delivered so softly I wondered if he meant for me to hear it at all. I kept my eyes fixed on the empty plate before me, then to the bread basket in the middle of the table. My apprehension about what this whole thing was about and why Taek was acting this way suddenly made me ravenous and I grabbed a roll, clumsily buttering it before shoving it into my mouth.
Taek watched me wordlessly, looking almost amused. When our meal came, he picked up his utensils and began to eat. The classical music playing in the restaurant, I'm sure meant to merely be a minor distraction, began to grate on me as the silence lengthened.
I had just helped myself to another forkful of salad when Taek spoke.
"Deok Sun-ah," he said, the tone in his voice sounding strangely reminiscent of Jung Hwan's voice the night he jokingly confessed. I realized that Taek was about to do the same and it gave me pause, made the butterflies in my belly run amok. Would he be joking too? Would this matter? Before I could examine this further, he carried on. "I like you."
I discovered with a jolt that unlike how I had felt when Jung Hwan said those same words, a kind of nervous, excited fluttering; now I felt something akin to dread.
"I'm saying I like you," he said.
His face was eager, clearly waiting for an answer. I could not give him one.
There was once a time when I longed to hear those words. Not necessarily from Taek, but from anyone, my affections seemingly as fickle as the wind. I went with whatever option seemed to guarantee reciprocity, always afraid of taking the first step myself.
I liked Sun Woo because I thought he liked me. I tried to treat Jung Hwan the same way, banishing him from my heart when I thought he did not feel the same. I wondered if Taek realized that about me, too... whether he thought if he told me he liked me, that I would be hard pressed not to like him back. Because that's always been my pattern. That's what I used to do.
Taek was a good person. Kind and giving, almost oblivious to his good traits. Taek was my friend. He might have been a perfectly acceptable option, an even above average option for me, had I still been the girl that I used to be.
Taek was someone I loved, but not the person I was in love with.
Love? I thought, my hands clamming up. Was I in love with Jung Hwan?
"I'm sorry," I blurted, my mind racing. I'm in love with Jung Hwan? No. I blinked and saw Jung Hwan's face that night, the sadness in his eyes almost palpable, seeping through my veins. It knocked the wind out of me and I felt my face pale. "I'm sorry."
I could only utter those words as I burst into tears, perhaps only realizing just now how much I needed to hear those words again from someone else, what I would give to hear those words again from Jung Hwan. I tried to stop crying, except I had a feeling I was now beginning to understand why Jung Hwan didn't trust me with his heart and it made me cry even harder.
Taek could only look at me, his eyes filled with worry. "What's wrong, Deok Sun-ah?"
I covered my face with my napkin... there was no easy way to do this. And Taek... was someone who always needed things spelled out for him. I cannot have him misunderstand. "I... don't want to hurt you," I said haltingly, my voice sounding heavy. "But I don't want to lie to you either, so I'll just tell it like it is," I said, unable to look at him. "You're my friend and I care a lot about you, but I don't feel the same way." I swallowed as tears started falling again. "Don't hate me. Please don't hate me."
Taek looked at me in confusion, as if unsure what to say. I didn't want to see him hurt, would do anything to prevent tha
t from happening, but I can't help not feeling for him what he feels for me.
"Deok Sun-ah," he said gently. "I could never hate you." He took a deep breath. "But just because you don't feel the same way about me now doesn't mean you never will. If you give me a chance, maybe you'll see me as more than a friend. If you give me a chance, we could be happy."
I was already shaking my head before he even finished speaking. "No," I said. "There would be no going back for us. There'd be no undoing it." Even as I spoke, I knew that I meant something else, too. This was not just about our friendship. This was about something bigger than this... one that would have consequences. One that could change the direction of my life. I knew, deep in my heart that saying yes to Taek, even for the time being, even if it was just to protect him, would mean losing Jung Hwan forever.
Just the thought alone was enough to steal the air from my body.
Taek continued watching me, his gaze veiled. And I knew. I knew that my honesty had caused him pain, and there was nothing I could do about it. I was vaguely aware that things may never be the same between us again. He looked down at his plate, appearing to be lost in his own thoughts.
"Taek-ah," I said. "I'm sorry."
He looked up at me, a small sad smile on his face. "I know."
Part II
May 1995
Gangnam, Seoul
Jung Hwan
I felt a nudge on my side and turned my head, surprised to find one of my friends from the Air Force Academy darting his head at me. He mouthed something and I shook my head, unable to understand.
"Pay attention!" His words came out through gritted teeth, his smile resembling a grimace.
I nodded sheepishly, looked around. There were many people here today, groups of people and couples everywhere. The restaurant looked no different than it did when it first opened, many years ago.
The first McDonald's in Seoul. In Gangnam of all places. I tried so hard to not come here that day, fully aware of the crowd and the traffic. And yet one call and I came running.
I fixed my gaze on the table, an unwitting smile on my face. Deok Sun had looked so surprised, her eyes bulging out of her face when she realized I was there.
I thought she was alone. Had I known that her two friends were going to be there, I might have said no.
Oh... who was I kidding? I would have shown up anyway just because she asked me to come. It had been worth it to see her look happy that I came through for her, whatever the reason might have been that she called me.
I had liked her so much. I bit my lower lip, focused on the grain of the wood in front of me, trying to distract myself from the predictable tightening in my chest.
It was safe to say that I missed her. More than she will ever know. More than I was even willing to admit.
I heard someone clear their throat and I looked up to see three pairs of eyes looking at me. My friend was scowling, and then apologetically looking across the table, where his girlfriend and his girlfriend's friend sat.
I forced myself to smile at her, surprised when she smiled back shyly. Her hair was smoothed back with a headband, her light brown eyes looking directly at me. She self-consciously smoothed a non-existent stray hair behind an ear and licked her lips.
Her skin was lighter than Deok Sun's. Her hair longer.
I pushed the thought away, tried to convince myself that it had been just a passing thing, though I of all people knew that was a lie. I thought of her constantly, worried about what time she was going home, if she was eating well, sleeping well. It was only natural, I reasoned. Until recently, Deok Sun had been a constant part of my life; of course it made sense that I would compare every woman to her.
I tried to tell myself this as I played with my french fries, picking one up and dipping it into the ketchup before putting it in my mouth.
I realized that in the last few months I really have taken this whole talking to myself very seriously.
"So," Ji Min, my friend's girlfriend said to me, "Yo Han tells me that you were very smart in high school. Yoo Mi here," she continued, "graduated top of her class."
Yoo Mi blushed, averted her gaze. She wrapped and unwrapped her cheeseburger, stealing glances my way.
"Is that right?" I asked, and she, as if amazed that I was speaking to her, nodded enthusiastically. I instantly felt bad once I realized that those were the first words I said to her since I arrived.
My mother would hit me upside the head for treating a woman so disrepectfully. I really should make more of an effort.
When Yo Han asked me if I wanted to go on a double date, I didn't exactly refuse. Bored out of my mind in Sacheon and unwilling to go home to Ssangmundong, I had agreed, not realizing that it would involve a trip to Seoul anyway.
"Where are you studying?" I asked quietly and she quickly chewed what was in her mouth, holding a hand up to me as if to tell me to wait.
"Yah," Yo Han chided. "Were you not listening? They both go to Seoul National University. Yoo Mi-ssi is in her last year studying Economics."
I nodded my head, attempted to look impressed.
"Do you like it?" I asked Yoo Mi, before taking a sip of my drink.
She thought about my question before she responded. "I do," she replied with a small smile. "I've always liked numbers and that and world economy always interested me so..."
I was still figuring out what next to ask when I felt a vibration in my pocket and pulled my pager out. Not recognizing the number but recognizing the area code that was paged to me, I stood up. I am always in fear that something would happen to Hyung or my parents while I was so far away.
"Excuse me for one minute," I said to the people at my table. "I'll be right back."
I weaved through the tables to the nearest payphone. I put the coins in and dialed the number flashing on my pager screen, looking behind me to see Yo Han and the women at the table, talking animatedly, Yoo Mi occasionally looking to where I was and me turning back around quickly.
She was a nice girl. A nice, perfectly acceptable girl. A nice, pretty, perfectly acceptable girl. A nice, smart, pretty, perfectly acceptable girl.
"Hello?" Sun Woo's voice interrupted my reverie.
"Sun Woo-yah," I responded. "It's Jung Hwan. What's up?"
"It's a rare night away from the hospital for me," he said. "So I'm out. Where are you?"
"You know where I am," I answered, the lie falling naturally out of my mouth.
"No, I didn't, that's why I asked, bastard," Sun Woo said, laughing. "I thought I saw your Jeep parked by the McDonald's in Gangnam."
"Why would I be there?" I asked.
"I don't know," Sun Woo said. "That's why I asked."
"Why are you in Gangnam anyway?" I wanted to change the topic, wondering why, of all places, he had to be here.
"Dong Ryong didn't tell you?" He asked. "Deok Sun scored some tickets from her job to a restaurant so we all went."
"Deok Sun did?" I was almost ashamed at how interested I sounded, embarrassed that even now, even after everything, I still did a pretty shitty job of hiding how I felt for her. Not that she ever noticed anyway.
My heart tightened at the memory of her easy, almost relieved willingness to believe that my confession had been a joke.
Even the best liar couldn't have made a lie like that. And I was never a good liar.
"Damn," Sun Woo continued, "I hoped you would be in Seoul." I heard him take a deep breath and when he came back on the phone, his voice was lowered. "When are you coming back?"
"I don't know," I said sincerely. "I don't know when I'll be back." If I'll be back, I wanted to add, but didn't say out loud.
"Yah..." I heard him make a frustrated sound. "You know you can talk to me, right? I know you're tough and you're not exactly the talkative type but I'm here if you need me."
For a second I was tempted. Sun Woo and I have been close since childhood. Maybe ev
en closer than me and Dong Ryong were. Once we told each other everything. I thought it would be that way forever.
Until Taek became his brother and everything changed.
If there was one thing I knew to be true and believed myself, it was that family was everything. Blood, even one only connected by marriage, still runs thicker than water.
Just like Jung Bong Hyung would always take my side whether or not I was right, by default he would have to support Taek. It was just the way it was. I had learned to accept this a long time ago.
"Thanks, Sun Woo-yah," I said lightly, trying to make myself sound brighter, more carefree. "But I'm fine. It's just been really busy here in Sacheon and it's a pain in the ass to go home."
He didn't speak for a few moments and then resignedly, I heard him say 'Okay.'
"I'll call you soon," I said, stopping myself from asking about Deok Sun, even under the guise of friendship.
"Yeah, okay," he replied. "Call me once in a while, will you?"
I made a noncommittal sound and hung up the phone, my mind trying to convince my heart that this was necessary, that this was the only way. I wasn't perfect but I knew that there was one thing I was proud of: that I always did right by my friends... no matter the sacrifice that was asked of me. I may be shit at everything else, but at least, I was consistent in my loyalty.
I shook my head, tried to get my bearings. I had just taken a step out of the phone booth when I looked outside the glass paneled walls of the restaurant.
Goodbye, Hello Page 5