It was raining.
Deok Sun
I watched as Sun Woo ran towards the phone booth only a couple of minutes since he paged Jung Hwan. I tried to look nonchalant as I drank a sip of beer and wiped my mouth, told myself that I wasn't jealous that Jung Hwan would answer Sun Woo's page and not mine.
Except I hadn't quite gotten around to paging him yet. I wasn't quite sure what to say, even now. I'm still trying to get my head together so that if and when we meet again I would be able to stand in front of him as a calm, rational, adult human being and not as the emotional mess I was sure he remembered me as.
Why is Sun Woo speaking so quietly? I tried to lean closer towards the payphone to catch what he was saying but he turned around and spoke even more softly, if that was possible.
I picked up a piece of chicken from the basket in front of me and took a big bite. Dong Ryong, who was munching on a drumstick in front of me, raised his brows but said nothing. I kept on eating, trying to ignore the fact that Dong Ryong seemed intent on studying me, much like he did that night.
"Why isn't there anyone?" I asked miserably. "I guess I'm a woman who has no right to be loved."
Dong Ryong and I sat on the steps, the night after I found out that Jung Hwan had given my birthday gift to his brother. I thought he liked me, was convinced of it, in fact, so why did he do that?
"Deok Sun-ah," Dong Ryong said.
"Yeah."
"Do you like boiled sweet potatoes or baked sweet potatoes?"
I didn't have to think about my answer. "Boiled sweet potatoes."
"Do you like Lee Moon Sae or Park Nam Jung?"
Again I answered without hesitation. "Lee Moon Sae."
"Me or Taek?"
This was a no brainer. "Taekkie."
He sighed audibly. "How annoying. You hate me?"
I shook my head. "No, but I still like Taek more."
His tone became more careful. "If that's the case, do you like Jung Hwan or Sun Woo?"
What was he getting at? I looked away. "Don't ask questions like that."
After a brief moment of silence, he spoke again. "Deok Sun-ah. How do you feel?" I didn't quite know how to respond. "Instead of people liking you, what is it that you like? You're so clear about the way you like to eat sweet potatoes. Don't you know the type of person that you like? You can like someone without them liking you, right?"
I hadn't known how to answer any of his questions. Maybe because I didn’t know the answer, or maybe because I didn’t like the answer. I knew I liked Jung Hwan, though. I don’t know why I didn’t admit to it.
I regret it now. Not saying it when I felt it. Not telling him when I should have.
I looked up when Sun Woo slid back into his seat. "Nope," he said, shaking his head. "He's in Sacheon."
"Of course he is," I said, hating that I sounded so forlorn about a known fact. He’s been in Sacheon all this time. "There are many people who drive Jeeps in Seoul."
"I think he may have been out on a date or something," Sun Woo said, grabbing the pitcher of beer and pouring himself some. "He definitely wasn't alone."
I dropped the chicken I was holding loudly onto my plate and blinked at him. He lifted his shoulders and looked at me, as if asking 'what?'
"I think it's great if he's dating," Dong Ryong said, his tone pointed. "I mean he can't be alone forever, right?" Sun Woo nodded his assent. "Our Jung Hwan is smart and funny and if he stopped scowling long enough, he would even be handsome. He has a great job and you know he'll be successful at whatever he does because, well... because he's Jung Hwan."
"That's right." Sun Woo's barely indecipherable words were spoken through a mouthful of chicken and I snatched the drumstick he was holding and slammed it onto his plate in a fit of temper.
"He's not dating," I said. How could he be dating already? I wasn't even dating. He can't be dating. Wasn't it just a few months ago that he was telling me that it's always been me? I thought it went without saying that it would always be me (except, I had to remind myself, he had been joking.) "He can't be dating."
I didn't even realize I had spoken the words out loud until I saw Dong Ryong and Sun Woo looking at me, their chopsticks suspended mid-air.
"Of course he can," Sun Woo said carefully. "He's single, so why not?"
"He can't be dating," I repeated, a lump forming in my throat.
"It's not as if he has anyone waiting for him here so I don't see why he wouldn't be open to it," Dong Ryong commented. "Or does he?"
I said nothing and took such a long gulp of beer that by the time I was done the glass was empty. I stared miserably at my glass and was reaching for the pitcher when Sun Woo's arm shot up and stopped me.
"Deok Sun-ah," he said worriedly. "You know you can't drink. Your sister made me promise her I wouldn't let you go home drunk."
"I need a drink."
Sun Woo and Dong Ryong looked at each other then back at me.
"What's wrong, Deok Sun-ah?" Dong Ryong asked.
I shook my head, as if in doing so I would banish the images of Jung Hwan with another woman, smiling at her like he used to smile at me. Wondering if he would confess the same way. If he'd tell her 'don't go' if she tested him.
He'd probably kiss her, I thought spitefully. We're all grown-ups now and he would definitely kiss her.
"What's wrong, Deok Sun-ah?" I heard someone repeat the question and I took a deep breath. Hesitated. Then thought what the hell... they'll soon find out anyway.
"I like Jung Hwan," I said, then corrected myself. "I love Jung Hwan." I lifted my chin in feigned defiance, as if daring either of them to challenge me.
"What?" They both asked, a little too exaggeratedly, in my opinion, as if they weren't surprised at all. "Since when?" The last question came from Sun Woo, who at least tried to sound a bit more taken aback.
"I liked him since 1989," I admitted. "I loved him I'm sure since then, too, but I didn't realize until a couple of months ago."
They exchanged another glance. "What happened two months ago?" They sounded so funny asking the same exact question at the same time that I probably would have laughed any other time.
But not tonight.
"Taek told me he liked me," I said. Neither of them looked surprised, as if this was something they knew all along.
"And you said no," Sun Woo said.
I nodded slowly. "Yeah."
"Because you liked Jung Hwan more?" Dong Ryong asked, his tone somewhat impassive.
"No," I said. "Because I liked Jung Hwan, period. There is no 'more.' I love Taek... we all do, but how I feel for Jung Hwan and how I feel for Taek are completely different things. They're not even related."
There was a tense silence for a few minutes before Dong Ryong started clapping, much to Sun Woo's amusement. "Wow, Deok Sun-ah," Dong Ryong said. "You finally figured out what you wanted."
"You know I'm slow," I mumbled. "And now it's too late."
"No way," Sun Woo said. "You've already done the hard part... the figuring out part. The rest is easy."
"Says the guy dating his first love." I looked him straight in the eyes. "Not everyone has it as easy as you."
"Yah," he responded in all seriousness. "You really think I have it easy? Have you forgotten who I'm dating?" I didn't answer and he continued. "I don't think that it will be as bad as you think it will be, though. Jung Hwan's bound to come home."
"Is he?" I asked and they both nodded. "When? Give me a date."
Neither of them responded to my demand, choosing, instead, to stare at everything else but me.
Two hours later...
Jung Hwan
I stood under the awning, trying to figure out a way to leave without making it look like I was trying to leave. Yo Han and his girlfriend were talking quietly and Yoo Mi stood idly by, looking as awkward as I felt.
"Do you guys want to have a drink?" Ji Min asked. "I know a place not too far from..."
"I can't," I interrupted before she even finished
her sentence, earning a glowered from Yo Han. "My mother wants me to go home," I said, by way of explanation, "so I'll be heading out."
"Your mother told you that?" Yo Han asked, his voice skeptical. "When?"
I coughed and cleared my throat. "Just a little while ago. She paged me."
Yo Han frowned at me, as if trying to suss out if I was telling the truth, but didn't say anything else.
"I had a great time," Yoo Mi said, holding out her hand. I reached mine out and shook it gingerly, trying to at least be a gentleman. "I hope I see you again soon."
Her sentiment surprised me... I didn't think I was that good a company. I spoke when I was spoken to, made the appropriate comments to show that I was paying attention. But still... I didn't think I had done enough. I certainly didn't expect that she would actually want to see me again.
I struggled with how to respond until a little voice in my head nagged at me. You have to move on, it said, you have to try.
Surprisingly I found myself nodding. "Sure," I responded. "I'd like that." I turned to Yo Han. "Will you be okay getting back to Sacheon?"
He nodded. "Yeah... I'll crash at a friend's house tonight and take the bus first thing tomorrow."
"Shall we, then?" Ji Min said brightly, taking Yo Han's arm. Both Yoo Mi and he nodded and they took off in the opposite direction. I stayed in the same place, watching them walk away. When they were almost at the end of the block, Yoo Mi turned around and waved.
I lifted my hand and waved back.
Once they were out of sight, my shoulders sagged, my head bowed low. I was so tired all of a sudden. The rain was still falling steadily on the pavement, making the black on the ground look almost translucent.
I looked up and saw that the clouds still looked heavy, as if the rain won't be stopping anytime soon.
I hope Deok Sun has an umbrella. She never knew when to bring the things that actually mattered.
The thought, though not entirely unexpected, still filled me with a bitter taste in my mouth. I hated that my every memory was connected to her, resented that though she felt nothing but friendship for me, my feelings for her had not changed at all.
Those feelings have become so ingrained in me that it seemed I couldn't get rid of them even if I wanted to. Dear God, though, I wanted to.
Perhaps the only thing I despised more than these feelings was my inability to brush them off, as I have been able to do everything else.
I'm going to keep trying. I have to keep trying.
With that thought in mind, I pushed the memories of Deok Sun aside. I ran out from under the awning and made my way towards my car, ready to make the six hour drive back to Sacheon.
Deok Sun
We walked out of the restaurant, the three of us, and were greeted by torrential rain. Sun Woo and Dong Ryong scrambled towards the bus stop, and I stopped to pull my umbrella out of my bag.
And then... a flash of memory. Jung Hwan standing in front of me, an umbrella over my head. I closed my eyes.
Over the last few months I have tried to banish the memories away, convinced that if I did so, the thought of missing him wouldn't quite hurt so much. I tried it so many times but never broke through. I thought it was because I was weak, until I realized it wasn't that at all.
I couldn't erase the memories because I didn't want to. I wanted to savor them, hold them close to me, as close as they could possibly be. I want to imprint them on my skin, evidence of what we could have had. What we could have been. I wanted to keep them with me as long as I possibly could, in a way that I couldn't do with him.
In my mind's eye I saw him as he always looked, all derision and scorn. A sense of humor so dry it was a wonder it could be considered that at all. But also... something else. Kindness and loyalty. Friendship and integrity. All in one person. The one that I love.
I opened my eyes, found myself reaching out a hand, palm upturned towards the rain. I wondered if it was raining where he was. Wondered if the rain made him think of me. Wishing that it did.
I have never wanted anyone to show up with an umbrella in all my life.
October 1995
Jung Hwan
My house telephone number flashed across my pager screen and I put it down, tempted for one second to ignore it. After a long day of physical training and classes, I had no plans for the rest of the day except to take a shower, eat and then sleep.
I looked at the number again and reconsidered, remembering how upset my brother was the last time he called me and I didn't respond. This could very well be him. With a sigh and a shake of my head, I picked up the phone in my room and began to dial.
I could never resist my brother, and he knew it, too.
The voice that answered was definitively not Hyung's, though, but someone else.
"Jung Hwan-ah," I heard Omma say, her voice filled with affection.
"Omma," I said, glancing at my watch. "Is everything okay?"
She didn't usually call me at this time, and certainly not on a Friday, when her afternoons to evenings were spent gossiping with the neighborhood ahjummas then drinking the night away.
She and Appa have been doing the same thing for years. At least, ever since all of us went to university.
"Oh yeah," she said breezily. "I just wanted to hear your voice. Are you eating enough?"
I bit back a laugh. Omma never wanted to know anything except if I was eating. Even now she still hasn't forgotten what it had been like when we were poor and had to scrap all our money just for a decent meal.
I softened. "Yeah, Omma. I'm getting plenty to eat."
"And rest, too?" She asked. "They're not working you too hard, are they?"
"Are you kidding?" I asked. "And mess with Ra Mi Ran?"
I heard her laugh, low and rich, and found myself smiling as well. I adored my mother. I always have since I was a kid. She was an amazing woman. An amazing person.
"Jung Hwan-ah," she said, the laughter disappearing from her voice. "Are you coming home soon?"
I shook my head. I should have expected this question. She never fails to ask the same thing every time we speak. And every single time, I couldn't give her an answer.
"I don't know, Omma," I replied. "Things are crazy around here right now and..."
"Taek's birthday is in a few days," she interrupted. "You guys always celebrate his birthday together." I stopped talking. She wasn't telling me something I didn't already know. "I think you should come home. Things haven't been the same around here, even with your friends."
"How would you know, Omma?" I teased. "Sun Woo is busy in med school and Dong Ryong is busy being Dong Ryong. Taek is playing baduk everywhere, and Deok Sun," I cleared my throat. "Deok Sun is barely home."
"You'd be surprised," she said. "They have all been coming back a lot more often. Bora, too, which you know pleases Il Hwa to no end." My mother's voice faded, as if she was speaking to someone else, but then came back so quickly I couldn't make out what she just said. "But I am telling you... something must have happened among your friends. Deok Sun, especially."
What? I thought, trying to remember if Sun Woo had mentioned anything the last time we spoke. With his residency schedule as hectic as it was, the closest we had gotten to getting together is talking on the phone. And Dong Ryong... didn't mention anything either.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Oh... you know, just this and that," Omma replied, sounding as vague as one person could possibly be. "Sun Woo's Omma said that Taek rejected Deok Sun so they haven't been talking all that much. Deok Sun's Omma said that thi
ngs were... dicey."
"WHAT?" My voice came out louder than I had intended and I stood up, unable to believe her words. Taek rejected Deok Sun? Taek... rejected Deok Sun?
"Yes... can you believe that?" Omma continued, oblivious to my surprise. "And Deok Sun, that poor girl," she tsked, "had been sooooo miserable that every time she has a day off she comes home. And you know what she does?"
"No," I said, reminded that I have not had a conversation with Deok Sun since my botched confession.
"She comes over here and hangs out with your Appa," Omma said, clucking her tongue. "As if he needed more encouragement."
I was still stuck on Taek rejecting Deok Sun. Why the hell would he do that?
"And Taek," my mother said, her voice full of censure, "is already dating someone else! Who would have thought that a nice boy like Taek would treat her so badly? And on White Day nonetheless."
I found myself running my fingers through my hair, concern and anger washing over me.
How dare he? How dare he treat Deok Sun like that after I kept my mouth shut? Did he not even realize how much it took out of me to let her go? He was supposed to treat her well. He was supposed to make her happy.
Not make her sad. Dammit!
Goodbye, Hello Page 6