He remained stone faced, almost expressionless, the way he had always been, and it did nothing but make me even more upset. I would have thought him completely unaffected and indifferent, had I not seen the clenching and unclenching of his jaw, an angry tic starting on one of his cheekbones.
"Where did you get that shirt?" I asked, and he didn't respond. Not that his silence surprised me much. Since it didn't seem as if he would actually reply, I decided to just keep asking questions. Surely he would feel compelled to answer at least one. "Did you even miss me? Or any of us?"
Again, nothing.
I took a deep breath and he remained impassive, his eyes firmly on me. Had I been sixteen years old I might have tried to figure out the expression behind them, but frankly, I was tired of this shit. I wanted to just get everything out in the open, so that if what I need to do was move on, then that's what I'll be able to do, knowing I've done my best.
"What have you been doing in Sacheon?" I asked. By this point, I wasn't even expecting him to respond at all anymore. "Did you date? Were you happy?" I began to pace in front of him, filled with a nervous energy I couldn't quite control. I stopped, addressed him. "Were you really joking when you told me you liked me?"
I was about to release a gasp of frustration when he finally answered. "Does it even matter now?"
I glowered at him. "It does to me."
"Why?" he asked. "It never did before."
"Oh no," I retorted, shaking my head. "You don't get to throw that back at me. You don't get to play the role of someone that's been wronged. You didn't even give me a chance to respond. You can't just drop a bombshell like that and then be upset that I didn't quite know the right thing to say. And then... You didn't even give me a chance to process my thoughts before you were like... ‘just kidding!’ You can't go around confessing and then taking it back. It was cruel, and mean, and you know what? It was not funny. And you know what's even more unfunny? The fact that you left before I could even talk to you. Like we weren't friends at all."
He blinked at me, a sort of admiration in his gaze? My anger must be making me delusional. Bolstered by the fact that he was finally standing in front of me, I just kept on rambling on.
"For your information," I said, "I liked you too! In high school, I liked you so much I made myself sick. You think I just happened to be in the same empty bus with you at like half past five in the morning? Jung Hwan-ah... you're smart. Why the hell would anyone be with anyone on a bus before the sun is even out? In case you need it spelled out, I woke up early to be with you. And you know what? I WANTED you to come to that concert. I wanted it so badly I dreamt that you actually said you'd go. You know how happy it made me to see you smile? It was sickening how happy what one of your smiles did to me. I would have done just about anything to keep you smiling and laughing. So no... you don't get to play the role of the boy with the unrequited love, okay?!? Your love was requited. It was reciprocated." I took a deep breath. "Do you still have nothing to say?" I waited for him to have any kind of response, and resisted the urge to strangle him when he did not. "You are so frustrating!"
He was looking at me like what I had just told him shocked him, as if he really didn't realize that I felt the same way. Seeing that as my chance to close the gap between us, maybe take him by surprise even, I took a step towards him and he took a step back, his eyes wary, as if he was afraid I was lying, or worse yet, that I couldn't possibly mean it.
"You're...joking, right?" He asked, his eyes shuttered now, as if he was blocking them back away from me. "This is a joke. Your pride was hurt when I joked about it a year ago. This is my payback, right?"
Jung Hwan
She had to be kidding. It can’t possibly be the truth.
In high school she liked Sun Woo, and then she liked Taek. It was never me. It still wasn't.
Wasn't it just a year ago that she eagerly anticipated Taek's arrival? Was it not just a little while ago that she was heartbroken from his rejection?
"You're... joking, right?" I asked, almost ashamed of how vulnerable I sounded. I tried to keep my expression flat as I looked at her. "This… is a joke. Your pride was hurt when I joked about it a year ago. This is my payback, right?"
She shook her head, and her hair, loose behind her, flew every which way. "No," she said. "How can this be payback when my pride wasn't hurt? This," she said, bringing a hand up to the left side of her chest, "this hurt. It hurt a lot." A whisper of a smile, a sad one, formed on her lips. "And I'm not joking. Once upon a time we were friends. You know that I only tell the truth. I... am not like you. I don't, and I can't joke about things like that. I don't know how to hide how I feel. I'm not like my sister, who can compartmentalize. Right now I wish I was... or else I wouldn't be making a fool of myself in front of you."
I shook my head. "No," I said, more to myself than to her. "You're perfect just the way you are."
"You're not allowed to say those things to me," she said, her eyes burning. "You can't say things Iike that and then give me nothing else." She looked away. "Anyway, arguing about this is futile. Really, as much as I would like to know, it doesn't really make that much of a difference whether you like me or not. I have already made my choice."
Nothing, I guess, can ever really prepare anyone for the woman they love confessing about loving someone else. Maybe it would not have been so bad had I been faultless, but this moment felt like a rehash of what happened last year, except now I don't get to be the one to bow out of the situation, pretending that I was barely unscathed. As soon as the words come out of her mouth, they will be the truth. They will be real. They will take shape and take hold, bear a life unto themselves. Once she tells me once and for all who it is that she loves, it really will be over for me. Whether or not I liked it. Whether or not it was fair.
I didn't know which hurt more... the idea that maybe once, she did like me like that and I didn't realize, or the fact that even though Taek did not like her, she was still willing to take that chance on him.
"I..." she said, her voice breaking. "I choose you."
I blinked at her, unable to believe what I was hearing. I almost found it laughable had it not been so painful, that I might get this chance, even though I was only her second choice. Even worse yet was that I might have found a way to be okay with that.
"It's because Taek rejected you, right?" I asked and if looks could kill, I would have been slaughtered. Right here on this spot.
"Why do you keep bringing Taek's name up?" She asked. "You're the one who keeps talking about him. And you're supposed to be a smart guy. No."
"The only way you'd choose me over Taek is if he didn't feel the same wa..."
"You still don't get it," Deok Sun said, resignation coming over her face. "I didn't choose you over Taek, you idiot. I choose you over.... everyone."
I could only stare at her as her words finally took hold, my heart latching on to what she said. Was it true? I wanted to believe it.
"It probably might have been easier if it had been Taek," she continued, almost wistfully. "It probably would have been more comfortable. I'm a simple girl." She stopped and licked her lips, her hand touching her neck, much like they did when I first walked up to her, as if holding on to something there for reassurance. Or for courage. "I could probably have spent my life being with Taek, knowing exactly what to expect. There would be familiarity, and friendship. I would have been content, and safe." She shrugged her shoulders then looked at me directly. "But what can I do? I... love you."
She released a breath, as if she didn't just say something that changed my world completely. "I really wanted to wait it out, you know. To make us even. I wanted to be able to say that I held it in just as long as you did, so that maybe, you would take me seriously. I would ask you how you feel about me, except I realized that it didn't even really matter. I could go on loving you on my own even if you don't love me back. But I'll continue hoping, because I think you're worth that chance. And if you never do, then maybe, I'l
l get over it eventually. Just like you did." She gave me another sad smile. "You know what the difference is, though?"
"What?" I almost had to force the word out, the idea of her getting over me just as I was finding out that she loved me in the first place bringing on an ache in my chest.
"You'll get to live your life knowing that I did love you. That I do love you. I don't even get to have that." She brushed a careless hand over her cheek and I realized that she was crying. "When you look back on this, Jung Hwan-ah, remember this. You're the one who didn't believe in me. You're the one who didn't give me a chance."
Maybe it was the sight of her tears, or maybe it was the resignation in her voice... but something finally broke through. It felt as if my eyes had finally been opened, and the first thing I saw was Deok Sun, her heart laid out in the open, without pride or shame.
I realized two things, all in one moment. The first was that the woman I loved was much more courageous than I was, that she always had been. And the second was that this was the moment. The one that would seal my fate, though I could argue that it had been decided the moment I fell in love with her.
"So," she said softly, "I'm going to ask you again. And this time will be the last time. Whatever answer you give me, I will take as the truth.” She took a long, deep breath. “Do you love me?"
Deok Sun
"So," I said, feeling raw and spent, exhausted now, my heart in my throat. "I'm going to ask you again. And this time I'll take your answer as the truth.” I paused, took one last reassuring breath. “Do you love me?"
I felt vulnerable standing in front of him, with nowhere to hide. I've said everything I wanted to say. Everything I needed to say. The rest is up to him, now.
I looked at his handsome face and could almost see the wheels turning, that brilliant mind of his weighing his choices, considering the possibilities. My careful Jung Hwan. My logical, sensible, cool-headed friend. The man my heart beats for. It seemed only fitting that it would be him that I would love, the perfect opposite to my impulse and carelessness. No matter what happens now, there will never be another like him. Not for me. Not ever.
"Deok Sun-ah," he said, his voice almost a whisper.
"Hmm?" He appeared as if he was being careful what to say next. His silence made me impatient. "I swear to God, Kim Jung Hwan. If you're just working up the courage to tell me another lie, I'm going to ex..."
"I've always loved you." He said the words quickly, as if he couldn't get them out fast enough. "I still love you. I never stopped."
Finally, I thought. Finally.
Joy bloomed in my chest, making me almost giddy, and he... looked as if he couldn't believe what he was saying himself. I almost laughed. His mouth broke out in a wary smile, a weary smile, and I felt my heart squeeze, wondering how hard it must have been for him all these years, when I only had a year and it was torture.
I took a step towards him and he watched me wordlessly, the intensity in his eyes something I don't think I would ever get used to.
"Did you hear me?" He asked.
"Of course I did," I said, when I was finally in front of him. "You just said you loved me."
"Okay..."
I cocked my head to one side. "I already said I loved you, so I guess, that's... good news?" I took another step towards him until we were only inches apart and looked up at his face. I threw my arms around his neck and he stiffened in surprise before taking a step backwards.
"What are you doing?" He asked.
"What we should have done a long time ago." I tsked at him before puckering my lips for a kiss.
"But we're right in the middle of the street."
"So?" I asked. "Dong Ryong was the one who came up with the plan to get you here. I can pretty much bet that everyone's been listening anyway. And besides," I added, "everyone already knows I like you. But if it'll make you feel better I can go to my house and tell my parents and then your house to tell your parents, and then everyone's houses..."
I was still speaking when he leaned down and pressed his lips to mine, a strong arm sweeping behind my back. My arms tightened around him as he pulled away, his eyes closed. I watched as they opened and looked at me, love practically pouring from his gaze. It made my throat tighten, and I found myself tracing his jaw with a finger, amazed that this strong, kind, wonderful man loved me back.
"I love you," he whispered and I smiled.
"Me, too." I pulled his head down until our noses were touching. "This is my first real kiss and I want to enjoy it."
He frowned. "Your first real kiss?" He sounded strangely disturbed by this and I wondered if I'd said too much. "So you've been having a lot of not real kisses?"
"What?" I asked, feigning innocence. "Have you?"
"No."
"I don't believe that," I said, pulling him down. "But that doesn't matter now anyway, what matters is..."
"Who have you been kissing?"
"Really, Jung Hwan-ah?" He scowled at me and I softened, my heart filling with such love I didn't know what to do with myself. His eyes locked on something on my neck and I held a breath as a tentative finger traced my chain, lifting it off my skin until his ring came into view.
"Is this..."
"Yeah," I said, watching as his eyes melted into pools of warm chocolate. "You said it was mine so I went back for it. You can't have it back."
"I don't want it back," he said. "This ring represented everything I worked hard for, you know. My past. My future."
I ran a tender hand over his forehead, and down over his cheeks. "So what do you think?" I asked, "does your future look good on me?"
He smiled. "It looks perfect."
Mi Ran
"Mi Ran-ah," Il Hwa said as she opened another bottle of soju, "do you think we should close the windows?"
The sounds of Deok Sun and Jung Hwan's voices were still drifting into the house, as it has the whole time I realized that my son had come home.
I shook my head and picked up a seafood pancake with my chopsticks, dunking it into the gochujang before putting it in my mouth. "No," I said, chewing. "Leave it open. It doesn't sound like they care if anyone hears them anyway. Well, at least Deok Sun doesn't sound like she cares all that much." I chewed on a piece of dried squid. "I've always liked that girl. It took her a while to find her footing, but man... she's got balls."
"As if you'd say you didn't like her with her Omma here and her being the person your son loves and all." Seon Young's eyes were laughing as she took the shot that Il Hwa poured and downed it in one go. "Did you know Deok Sun liked Jung Hwan?"
The question was directed at Il Hwa, and she nodded. "You know my younger daughter... she doesn't really know how to hide her feelings. If she's happy, the world knows it, and if she's sad... well, the world knows that, too."
"And you," Seon Yeong continued, "Did you know?"
"Absolutely." The bald faced lie rolled off my tongue. My son was impossible to read most days, even more so when he's actively trying to hide something.
"Young love, huh?" Il Hwa remarked. "I feel like I've been through a roller coaster listening to them."
I nodded. "When you're young everything feels so extreme and so urgent. You remember how that felt, right?"
"That's right," Sun Young answered.
"But, Mi Ran-ah," Deok Sun's mother said, her voice careful. "Are you sure they will be okay? They can't seem to stop fighting and arguing."
"Let me tell you something, Deok Sun's Omma, silence is my son's default mode," I said. "Getting two words out of him is so difficult sometimes. Deok Sun is perfect for him. She'll keep him arguing and bickering. She'll keep him talking. He needs that. Left to his own devices, he would just stay quiet all the time. She'll keep him on his toes and not take his shit."
"That's true," Sun Woo's Omma agreed. "Everyone needs someone who's a little different from them. Life would be boring otherwise."
"So," Il Hwa said, "I guess that's one more thing the psychic was wrong about. Jung Hwan w
on't be on his own."
"No, Il Hwa-yah," Sun Young said. "I think she said he'll do fine on his own. Not that he would be on his own."
"I'm sure he would have been okay on his own," I said. "I never worried much about Jung Hwan. But why should he be? My son deserves love. And now he has it."
Il Hwa shushed us, as if listening, before releasing a sigh of relief. "I think they're finally done fighting. They're quiet now."
"Maybe they've killed each other," I deadpanned and both women started giggling. "Or maybe," I lifted one shoulder delicately, "they're just doing what young people do when they're in love."
Both women nodded and I poured another round of shots.
"Should we make a toast?" Seon Young asked as she lifted her glass. "To family?"
Il Hwa and I shared a smile as we lifted our own glasses. "To family," we both said.
"And friendship," Il Hwa added and I gave her a silent nod.
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