My Sweet Girl

by Amanda Jayatissa

  “Fuck, Paloma, I—I don’t know what to say. He told me he was helping me, that he was helping all of us.” I was pleading again.

  “You are so fucking stupid. I can’t believe you thought Shanika was capable of attacking me. You just ate up all his bullshit. Guess it was easier to swallow than your own.”

  But she shrugged. “Whatever. He’s dead now. She’s dead now.”

  “The fire. Was it—was it Mrs. Perera? Who did it? Was that real?”

  “Of course it was fucking real. I burned that hellhole to the ground myself.”

  “Y-you burned it yourself?”

  “I wasn’t going to let any of the other girls suffer the way I had. With psychos locked in closets and evil nuns and a fucking pedophile.”

  I flinched. She had completely lost it.

  “Don’t look so surprised. You think Perera sir was your little savior? Or that Miss Chandra actually cared about us? You have no fucking idea what happened after you left. What they allowed others to do to me. They tried to keep me drugged up too. Just like Mrs. Perera. Just like Shanika.”

  The animal in my chest that had calmed down suddenly started scratching at me again.

  “There’s no fucking way I would ever let you get away with it.”

  “I never—” My voice broke. “Paloma, you have to believe me. I never wanted to hurt you.”

  “You never wanted to hurt me?”

  “No. God. I swear.”

  “Never. Not once?”

  Her eyes bored holes into mine.

  “Paloma, you were my best friend. Why would I want to hurt you?”

  “You know, that’s what I thought too. Why would my best friend want to hurt me? Why would she want to scare me?”

  “Scare you?”

  Oh, fuck.

  “The ruined book. The photo with my eyes scratched out. For the longest time, I thought it was Shanika. She was the only one crazy enough, sick enough to do that.”

  I swallowed.

  “I hated her, you know. You let me hate her. I never thought—I mean, why the fuck would you even do that to me?”

  I wish it wasn’t true. I wish it wasn’t fucking true with every bone, no, with every goddamned fiber in my body.

  “I didn’t—I’m sorry.”

  “There you go again with the sorries. I don’t give a fuck about whether you’re sorry.”

  “Please! I didn’t want to scare you. I just—I just wanted you to believe me. About the ghost. About the curse. I swear. That was all.” My face stung where she slapped me earlier. I didn’t even realize it was from the tears running down my face.

  “And you thought destroying my photograph would make me believe you?”

  “I was scared. I was scared out of my mind. And no one believed me. Not even you. I thought that if you believed you were cursed too . . .” The tears dripped down my cheeks and trailed onto my neck. Into my hair.

  Her face wavered. I had to keep trying.

  “Paloma, I’m so sorry. Please. Please let me go and we can figure things out. My parents are dead. It’s just me. We can figure things out.”

  I trembled, but she was composed. My voice shook, but hers was calm.

  She was soft when she spoke next. Soothing, almost. Like you would speak to a child.

  “Don’t you understand, Lihini? You betrayed me. You were like my sister, and you stabbed me in the back the first chance you got. And now I’m here to take back what was supposed to be mine.”

  That was when I noticed the open scissors she held in her hand. The animal inside me began wailing in fear.

  47

  RATMALANA, SRI LANKA

  I DIDN’T DRIFT AWAKE this time. I was suddenly completely alert and fully aware of what happened. I had been untied, thankfully, but the door to the sickroom was still locked.

  No matter how much I hurt, no matter how much I was angry at Lihini, I knew one thing and one thing only—I had to get out of here. I had to somehow make my way over to the Evanses. They had to save me. They had to get me out of here. But how could they do that when I was still locked in here and the real monsters were roaming around outside?

  There was a window, but it had a grille, of course. And I was on the first floor. I moved the jug and cup from the small table and pushed it next to the wall. I tried to be quiet, but I didn’t think anyone was listening anyway.

  Climbing on carefully, I looked outside. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust, but when they did, the garden looked deserted. It would be. If today was the day that Mr. and Mrs. Evans were coming, then today was also the first day of the new term at school. I had no way of checking the time, but the sun didn’t look to be that high in the sky.

  I stood there for a few minutes, still feeling light-headed and wondering what I should do, when I saw it. The dirty white van that took us to school. It pulled up the drive to park just under the window where I was standing. Upul got down, swinging the keys in his hand.

  He was disgusting and repulsive. He was a monster himself. But I knew what he wanted. I knew how I could get him to help me.

  “Upul!” I called out.

  He scratched his stomach under his T-shirt and yawned. He couldn’t hear me.

  I reached up and knocked on the glass, hard enough to make it rattle.

  “Upul!”

  I rapped hard on the window once again. I tried the latch to see if it would open. Miraculously, it did, just a few inches. But that was plenty for me.

  “Upul! Up here!”

  He broke into his usual disgusting grin when he saw me.

  “Moko meh?” What are you doing there?

  “Upul. Could you please come up here? Please?”

  “And why should I do that? You want a little more of last night?” He made a squeezing gesture with his hand and I wanted to die.

  “Please, Upul. You have to help me.” I swallowed. “I’ll owe you.”

  He stopped and licked his lips slowly. His smile grew as he spoke next.

  “Oh, you’ll owe me, will you?”

  “Y-yes. Please. Just get me out of here.”

  “You want me to break you out? You must be joking. If Perera uncle catches me, he’ll have my neck.”

  “No, no he won’t. I’ll make sure of it. Aney, please.”

  “What’s in it for me?”

  “What?”

  “You surely don’t expect me to risk everything for nothing in return. What’s in it for me?”

  “I’ll give you anything you want.”

  “Anything, ah? How to say no to that?”

  The disgusting creep. I’d promise him anything he wanted now. Anything for him to get me out of the sickroom. When I was out and the Evanses saved me, I would never see him again.

  “I know where Miss Chandra keeps the keys. I’ll be up soon.”

  I exhaled.

  “I know you want more of last night. Can’t help yourself, can you?”

  “Please, just hurry.”

  I paced around the room for so long that I thought I was going to faint from the anticipation. I barely noticed the pain in my face anymore. Asking Upul to come up here was a risk, but I could push past him as he came into the room and make my way out.

  I heard a key rattle in the door. My body shuddered as I heard—I think it knew, even before I did, that my life was going to be very, very different from now on.

  But I had a plan.

  I would creep out of the sickroom and into the main wing. I would hide in the hallway just outside Perera sir’s office. When the Evanses came, I’d find a way to rush to them. Or they would demand to see me. Surely, they would still recognise me? Even though Lihini had chipped her tooth they wouldn’t be fooled so easily. They wanted to adopt me, to be my parents; they would still know it was me.

  Upul grinned as h
e slunk into the room and locked the door behind him before I could even think of pushing past.

  “W-what are you doing?”

  “You said you would do me a favor.”

  “I didn’t mean right now.” Oh gosh. This wasn’t happening. “I have to get out before Mr. and Mrs. Evans come.”

  “They won’t come for another hour, at least. This won’t take that long.”

  “Please just let me go. I’ll come back. I promise.”

  What had I gotten myself into?

  Upul snorted.

  “Don’t lie, men. You’ll be long gone to America by this evening. How can you give me what I want then?”

  I shivered again.

  “W-what do you want?”

  Upul took his time answering. He walked over to the bed and sat down, leaning back on his elbows. He smiled at me again.

  “No need to be such an angel, okay. We both know you’re being a tease.”

  “A tease?”

  “Yes, a tease. Asking me to come up here. After last night. I knew, even then, even though you screamed, that it was just an act. That you actually liked it. Now come over here and sit down.”

  He patted the mattress next to him. I continued to stand, my knees knocking together. The corners of my eyes were starting to feel cloudy and dark.

  “No need to be so shy. I don’t want that.”

  “Th-that?”

  “I don’t want to do the sex, you know. I’m not a bad guy. But you do owe me big-time if you want me to let you out.”

  I exhaled a little.

  “Then what do you want?”

  He undid the button on his trousers and pushed his hand inside. The scars on his arms were more noticeable up close.

  “Take off your T-shirt.”

  “What? No!”

  Upul looked annoyed, but he didn’t take his hand out.

  “Do you want to get out of here or not?”

  “Please, anything else.”

  “I didn’t think you’d want to do anything else,” he said, licking his lips and smiling.

  I would get out of here and find Mr. and Mrs. Evans and everything would be all right. They would be able to save me. This is just a dream. My head was swimming around enough anyway. I just had to do this one thing.

  I closed my eyes tightly. The last thing I wanted was to see his disgusting smile.

  It was like pulling off a plaster. I had to do it quickly. Then it would be over and I could leave.

  I yanked off the dirty pink T-shirt I had on. It had the word Barbie printed on it in sparkling silver letters. I remember when I got it—a box of donations from last Christmas, and Lihini and I promised we would share it. I tried to remember our agreement, the way we touched the glitter, the way the other girls looked at me jealously when I wore it. I tried to remember anything that distracted me from thinking about how cold the breeze from the fan felt hitting my bare chest. But Upul wouldn’t have it that way.

  “Not bad,” he said. “Now move your arms away. And turn your face to the side. Your wounds are disgusting.”

  I opened my eyes for just a second and immediately wished I hadn’t. His gaze smothered me like a thick oil, covering every exposed bit of skin, trying to soak itself all the way inside me.

  “Not like Rose in Titanic. Now, that was a real woman. You look, well, you’re nothing compared to her.”

  Shame clung to me like smoke. I squeezed my eyes shut again. The Evanses, I told myself. I’m doing this for them.

  “Come over here,” he said, gesturing to the bed again.

  I stood where I was.

  “Don’t make me ask again.”

  I still didn’t move.

  “I’ll tell Miss Chandra what you’ve done. How you let me in and asked me to sex you. Then you’ll never get to go live in America.”

  It was a dream. It was a terrible, terrible dream.

  I sat on the edge of the bed. I could feel his breath on my cheek. He smelled of betel leaves and cigarettes and coconut oil.

  “Do you want to see?”

  His breathing was heavier now, and I shook my head, my eyes still firmly closed.

  “You don’t want to see? This is all for you.”

  He grabbed my hand suddenly and pushed it into his trousers, too, locking his fingers around mine. At least, that was what it felt like. My eyelids pressed together so hard my forehead hurt.

  “You like how that feels?”

  I couldn’t answer. I couldn’t breathe. It felt . . . softer than I would have thought. And it moved easily, up and down with my hand that Upul moved with his own. I let the fog that followed me around from morning swoop over me now, pushing myself into the darkness. But the darkness wouldn’t come. Not completely. It was punctured by Upul’s grunts and moans. It was chased away completely when he pawed at my bare chest with his other hand. Vomit rose to my mouth when his dirty, yellow-stained fingers squeezed at my nipples. It hurt, but I didn’t make a sound. I kept trying to sink deeper and deeper into the fog, trying to let go. It was like in Wuthering Heights. The fog clouded the moors at night, hiding everything evil and rotten and ugly. And then morning would come and bring the light with it. And everything would be over. I just had to wait until this was all over.

  Upul moved my hand faster, and breathed harder, until finally he grunted loudly and I felt a sticky wetness envelop my hand.

  He gave my breasts a final squeeze and went over to the bathroom.

  I pulled on my T-shirt and was waiting by the door when he stepped out.

  The screwdriver and hammer were long gone, of course, but there was the jug on the side table that was slippery in my hands as I held on to it now.

  I swung it at his head with all my strength before he even noticed me standing there.

  It connected with a hollow crack.

  “You fucking bitch,” Upul mumbled, but he was on his way down.

  Thank goodness.

  The fog was lifting. I was about to find my way back.

  48

  SAN FRANCISCO, CA

  SHE STOOD UP AND started walking around me in a circle. She was slow. Deliberate. Like she had all the time in the world.

  She did.

  No one would miss me. No one would even notice I was gone.

  “Look at you,” she said. Her voice had more life in it now. “It’s unreal, seeing you all grown up. I thought about you every day. It was the only thing, you know? The only thing that kept me going. I thought about what you’d look like. How did you manage it, anyway? Convincing the Evanses that I was you.”

  It hurt me to say it.

  “They didn’t . . .”

  “They didn’t even notice it wasn’t me, did they?”

  I couldn’t meet her eyes.

  “What kind of pathetic excuse for parents wouldn’t even notice that they had the wrong child?”

  Was it such an easy mistake to make? We were still close to the same height, though it was hard to tell now that I was sitting down. We were certainly the same build. Same skin tone. Our hair would be the same if we both left it alone.

  Was I seriously comparing myself to the girl who I stabbed in the back so many years ago? Was this really even happening?

  She came and stood behind me, pulling the tie off my ponytail and stroking my hair. It felt soft. Caring.

  “I’ve really enjoyed watching you these past few weeks, you know. You’re such a fucking mess. It was such a waste, you coming here.”

  “Th-these past few weeks? But I only met you a few days ago.”

  She yanked on a bit of my hair and held it taut.

  “Sure. Of course you wouldn’t notice. You’re so wrapped up in yourself and your sorry, pathetic excuse for a life.”

  My mind felt blank. Like I was running repeatedly into a brick wall. />
  “Don’t believe me. Let me show you.”

  She went over to a stool where she had left something. A shawl. Orange and pink, with a paisley print. I’d seen it before. My body went cold.

  “Nina! Is she okay?”

  “Oh, relax, will you. Your precious little shrink is fine. I couldn’t get to her without ruffling any feathers anyway. She’s too high-profile.”

  She smiled, picking up the shawl. She’d brought it here just for this. For her little show. For the moment when she would show me everything I’d missed.

  Pulling the shawl over her head, she cast her eyes down and smiled shyly.

  “It’s funny, for all your ranting and raving about white people not being able to tell us apart, you couldn’t get your head out of your own ass long enough to notice.” She was almost laughing now. “All you need is pink hair, or brown skin, and suddenly, that’s all people see. I couldn’t believe how easy it was. How easy you were.”

  She went back to where she was standing behind me, and this time when she pulled on my hair, it was hard. I heard the snip of the scissors before I realized what she was doing.

  “What the hell?” I pulled forward and tried to turn around, but she held my head in a death grip as she started snipping faster.

  “Of course, so much of it was your own fucking stupidity. The drinking, of course. You never even noticed that I let myself in here. Wandered around the house while you were sleeping. Finally getting the chance to be close to them.”

  Snip. Snip. Snip.

  I could see chunks of my hair fall on the floor around me.

  “It was really fun fucking with you, just like you fucked with me. Moving your shoes to Ida’s back door, just to watch you squirm. Scratching out the eyes in your photograph. Hiding the TV remote. Leaving that doll head for you to find. It was fucking hysterical. Though, sleeping in your parents’ bed, that bit was just for me.”

  I let out something that sounded like a whimper. I still couldn’t understand. Couldn’t put everything together.

  I had to ask.

  “And Arun?”

  She moved in front of me, to get to that part of my hair, I assumed. Her scissors never stopped.

  “Arun, well, that was a fun little caveat, wasn’t it? I needed him to get close to you. To find out more about you. To get access to, well, everything I needed. So I took the job upstairs, caring for Mrs. Jenson. She was disgusting, but it was so very, very worth it. I befriended Arun. Made him fall in love with me, even. I’d climb in through your window from the fire escape upstairs. It was too easy.”