Dancing in My Nuddy-Pants

by Louise Rennison

  1:00 a.m.

  Still looking out the window.

  Perhaps I could have Dave the Laugh as an unserious boyfriend, and for diplomatic world relations–type stuff, also have that gorgey French boy who gave me the rose in gay Paree.

  Hmmm. Here come Mutti and Vati, back from their night out.

  So, I could have the Cosmic Horn for now. And I could save the Sex God for later!!

  Perfect. Providing he doesn’t get a Kiwi accent and start snogging sheep.

  Mutti and Vati have got out of their car and although they are holding each other up, they are still not fighting, so all is still well with the world.

  Hang on a minute. They’re not holding each other up, they are snogging.

  That is so sad. And disgusting.

  So all’s well that ends well in God’s land.

  I’ll just say good-night to the stars. Good-night stars.

  And the moon. Good-night moon, you gorgeous, big, round, yellow, sexy thing.

  Phew, I really have got the Cosmic Horn badly.

  THE OFFICIAL AND PROPER END. PROBABLY.

  Glossary

  billio • From the Australian outback. A billycan was something Aborigines boiled their goodies up in, or whatever it is they eat. Anyway, billio means boiling things up. Therefore, “my cheeks ached like billio” means—er—very achy. I don’t know why we say it. It’s a mystery, like many things. But that’s the beauty of life.

  Boboland • As I have explained many, many times English is a lovely and exciting language full of sophisticosity. To go to sleep is “to go to bobos,” so if you go to bed you are going to Boboland. It is an Elizabethan expression (oh, OK then, Libby made it up and she can be unreasonably violent if you don’t join in with her).

  Boxing Day • The day after Chrimboli Day (Christmas Day—keep up).

  It is called Boxing Day because that is the day you are supposed to open your presents. You don’t do it on Baby Jesus’s birthday because that is when he is opening his presents (symbolically). How pleased he must have been to get some frankincense (not).

  bum-oley • Quite literally bottom hole. I’m sorry but you did ask. Say it proudly (with a cheery smile and a Spanish accent).

  Changing of the Guards • Outside of Her Maj’s pad (Buckingham Palace or Buck House as we call it) there are a load of blokes marching about with bearskins on their heads. They are guarding her against—er—stuff—the French, probably. After a bit they get tired and droopy and have to be changed for new ones.

  Chrimbo/Chrimboli • Christmas Day, really, but as you know, time is money.

  Churchill Square • A shopping center (mall) named after Sir Winston Churchill who won World War II. (Although my grandad said he won the war by parachuting into Germany and landing on Hitler’s motorbike and overcoming him with native cunning and superior military skills. What you have to take into consideration is that my grandad is bonkers).

  Cliff Richard’s Y-Fronts • Y-Fronts are boys’ knickers, but they are not worn by any boy you would want to know. Cliff Richard is a living legend (who is now a Lord—or is it a Lady?).

  clud • This is short for cloud. Lots of really long boring poems and so on can be made much snappier by abbreviating words. So Tennyson’s poem called “Daffodils” (or “Daffs”) has the immortal line “I wandered lonely as a clud.”

  Ditto Rom and Jul. Or Ham. Or Merc. Of Ven.

  coach • Er…bus. Oh, I get it. You think that “coach” is like a trainer-type person! Oh, I see now. You thought we climbed onto a person for our trip to gay Paree. No wonder you were on the edge of bamboozlement. You see in England coach means a bus as well as a trainer. It’s a bit confusing. But we are allowed to say what we like because we made up English in the first place.

  conk • Nose. This is very interesting historically. A very long time ago (1066)—even before my grandad was born—a bloke called William the Conqueror (French) came to England and shot our King Harold in the eye. Typical. And people wonder why we don’t like the French much. Anyway, William had a big nose and so to get our own back we called him William the Big Conkerer. If you see what I mean. I hope you do because I am exhausting myself with my hilariosity and historiosity.

  David Beckham • Of course you know who David Beckham is. He is the sensationally vain English football captain. He is married to Posh Spice. But we love the little scallywag (don’t start pretending you don’t know what scallywag means).

  DIY • Quite literally “Do It Yourself!” Rude when you think about it. Instead of getting someone competent to do things around the house (you know, like a trained electrician or a builder or a plumber), some vatis choose to do DIY. Always with disastrous results. (For example, my bedroom ceiling has footprints in it because my vati decided he would go up on the roof and replace a few tiles. Hopeless.)

  duffing up • Duffing up is the female equivalent of beating up. It is not so violent and usually involves a lot of pushing with the occasional pinch.

  duff • useless

  Edith Piaf • Some French woman who used to sing “Je ne regrette rien,” which means she didn’t regret anything. Which is ironic as she was only four foot high and French.

  first footing • Traditional Och Aye land madness. On the stroke of midnight on December 31st some complete fool (a vati) knocks on your door and gives you a lump of coal. No one knows why. Ask the Scottish folk. And whilst you are at it, ask them about sporrans. And deep fried pizza.

  first former • Kids of about eleven who have just started “big” school. They have shiny innocent faces, very tempting to slap.

  form • A form is what we call a class at English secondary schools. It is probably a Latin expression. Probably from the Latin formus ignoramus.

  fringe • Goofy short bit of hair that comes down to your eyebrows. Someone told me that American-type people call them “bangs” but this is so ridiculously strange that it’s not worth thinking about. Some people can look very stylish with a fringe (i.e., me) while others look goofy (Jas). The Beatles started it apparently. One of them had a German girlfriend, and she cut their hair with a pudding bowl and the rest is history.

  geoggers • Geoggers is short for geography. Ditto blodge (biology) and lunck (lunch).

  gusset • Do you really not know what a gusset is? I do.

  horn • When you “have the horn” it’s the same as “having the big red bottom.”

  Isle of Man • A ridiculous island in the sea in between Scotland and Ireland. You travel on a boat full of mad people being tossed about like a cork. Then you get there and it’s full of people from Liverpool and the most exciting thing about it is that the cats don’t have tails. Honestly.

  Kiwi-a-gogo land • New Zealand. “A-gogo land” can be used to liven up the otherwise really boring names of other countries. America, for instance, is Hamburger-a-gogo land. Mexico is Mariachi-a-gogo land and France is Frogs’-legs-a-gogo land.

  Maths • Mathematics.

  Michael Parkinson • He interviews people on a TV chat show. He has very nice gray hair and shiny suits. Like a badger. But without the big digging paws. As far as I know.

  nicked • stolen

  nippy noodles • Instead of saying “Good heavens, it’s quite cold this morning,” you say “Cor—nippy noodles!!” English is an exciting and growing language. It is. Believe me. Just leave it at that. Accept it.

  nub • The heart of the matter. You can also say gist and thrust. This is from the name for the center of a wheel where the spokes come out. Or do I mean hub? Who cares. I feel a dance coming on.

  nuddy-pants • Quite literally nude-colored pants, and you know what nude-colored pants are? They are no pants. So if you are in your nuddy-pants you are in your no pants, i.e., you are naked.

  nunga-nungas • Basoomas. Girl’s breasty business. Ellen’s brother calls them nunga-nungas because he says that if you get hold of a girl’s breast and pull it out and then let it go—it goes nunga-nunga-nunga. As I have said many, many ti
mes with great wisdomosity, there is something really wrong with boys.

  Old Bill • The police, a.k.a. “the filth” or “our brave lads in blue.” Depending on whether they can hear you or not.

  piggies • Pigtails. Or “bunches,” I think you call them. Like two little side ponytails in your hair. Only we think they look like pigtails. English people are obsessed with pigs; that is our strange beauty.

  porkies • Amusing(ish) Cockney rhyming slang. Pork pies = lies. Which is of course shortened to porkies. Oh, that isn’t shorter, is it? Well, you can’t have everything.

  prat • A prat is a gormless oik. You make a prat of yourself by mistakenly putting both legs down one knicker leg or by playing air guitar at pop concerts.

  rate • To fancy someone. Like I fancy (or rate) the Sex God. And I certainly do fancy the SG as anyone with the brains of an earwig (i.e., not Jas) would know by now. Phew—even writing about him in the glossary has made me go all jelloid. And stupidoid.

  R.E. • Religious education.

  Rolf Harris • An Australian “entertainer” (not). Rolf has a huge beard and glasses. He plays the didgeridoo, which says everything in my book. He sadly has had a number of hit records, which means he is never off TV and will not go back to Australia. (His “records” are called “Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport,” etc.)

  sledging • Something you do in nippy noodles season. When it snows thickly enough to cover the ground you leap onto a bit of wood that has runners on it. Then you lie on the board (sledge) and skim, skim like a bird across the snow. In theory. In practice you leap onto the sledge and crash immediately into a tree.

  spondulicks • A Sudanese term for money. Possibly.

  The reason we use it is because in olden days English people used to go to other countries where the weather was nicer (i.e., everywhere) and say to the leaders of these other countries:

  “Hello, what extremely nice weather you are having, do you like our flag?” And the other (not English) people would say: “Yes, it’s very nice, is it a Union Jack?” And the old English people would reply: “Yes. Where is your flag?” And they would say: “We haven’t got one actually.” And we’d say: “Oh dear. That means you have to give your country to us then.”

  That is how we became world leaders and also how we got foreign words in our language.

  By the way, it is a very good job that I have historosity at my fingertips; otherwise certain people (i.e., you) would feel hopelessly dim.

  sporrans • Ah, I’m glad you asked me about this because it lets me illustrate my huge knowledgosity about Och Aye land. Sporrans are bits of old sheep that Scotsmen wear over their kilts, at the front, like little furry aprons. Please don’t ask me why. I feel a nervy spaz coming on.

  Water Board • A bunch of blokes who look after the nation’s reservoirs and water supply.

  About the Author

  LOUISE RENNISON is the bestselling and award-winning author of the angst-filled Confessions of Georgia Nicolson. Louise lives in Brighton, the San Francisco of England (apart from the sun, Americans, the Golden Gate Bridge, and earthquakes).

  You can visit Georgia online at www.georgianicolson.com

  Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.

  confessions of GEORGIA NICOLSON

  ANGUS, THONGS AND FULL-FRONTAL SNOGGING

  ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, I’M NOW THE GIRLFRIEND OF A SEX GOD

  KNOCKED OUT BY MY NUNGA-NUNGAS

  DANCING IN MY NUDDY-PANTS

  AWAY LAUGHING ON A FAST CAMEL

  THEN HE ATE MY BOY ENTRANCERS

  STARTLED BY HIS FURRY SHORTS

  Credits

  Jacket art © 2006 by Howard Huang

  Cover design by Sasha Illingworth

  Copyright

  DANCING IN MY NUDDY-PANTS. Copyright © 2002 by Louise Rennison. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

  EPub © Edition MAY 2008 ISBN: 9780061975356

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