Learning to Fly: A story about overcoming depression

by David E Forrester

  Pete paid close attention to both the content and style of Pastor Prince’s sermon. He moved about the stage with energy and if at any time he felt as though he was losing the congregation, he asked for an Amen, made a joke or changed his pace or volume. He gestured to inject emotion or draw attention to something.

  Pete recognised that Pastor Prince was using many of the methods employed by professional speakers and salespeople, but he did not feel as though he were being sold something deceptively. Pastor Prince did not hide behind a pulpit, but was open and exposed to the congregation; they had access to his heart and he showed them that it belonged to Jesus.

  Pete found himself drawn to Pastor Prince’s passion and the simple message of his sermon: that repentance is about changing the way you do things, not about doing penance.

  The message resonated with him; he was beginning a journey that he sensed would challenge him to do the same and, he hoped, lead to his healing. Even so, Pete shrugged off the timing of the sermon as mere coincidence.

  When the service concluded, Liz looked at Pete and asked, ‘So what do you think?’

  ‘Well, they certainly do things differently here. Everything seems to be more celebration than homage, which is a nice change.’

  ‘So, do you want to come back?’ she asked.

  ‘Yes, yes, I do,’ he replied thoughtfully.

  9

  Talking about connections

  Gabriel looked up as Pete came into his office and said, ‘I see you’ve taken my advice and dressed more casually.’

  ‘I hope flip flops and shorts aren’t too casual? I’m coming in after a day off,’ Pete explained.

  ‘No, come in whatever makes you feel comfortable,’ Gabriel replied then added, ‘Please sit down,’ directing Pete towards the couch.

  Once they were settled Gabriel said, ‘You had the day off? I thought you were only benched for last week?’

  ‘I’m still feeling a bit anxious about heading back to work after the incident. It could be the antidepressants, so I thought I’d give it another day and hope it wears off.’

  ‘Good, I strongly recommend whenever you feel like you’re having a down day, you take the day off,’ Gabriel advised.

  ‘But I have to have a medical certificate to take a day off and the last thing I need is a doctor’s note saying, “Poor little Petey’s too sad to come to work today”,’ Pete said with mock self-deprecation.

  ‘Well, depression is an illness, so you’re entitled to take a day off just as if it were the flu. The doctor can just say you have migraines or doesn’t even have to name the illness. They can just write “not fit for work”,’ Gabriel explained.

  ‘OK, I’ll keep it in mind. But it’s hard to make money when you’re not at your desk trading,’ Pete replied.

  ‘I’m sure there’s also a greater chance of you losing money if you’re not thinking rationally. Not to mention the potential for a repeat of last week’s incident,’ Gabriel replied.

  ‘Yeah, I guess you’re right.’ Pete conceded.

  ‘So, how did you go with your homework?’ Gabriel asked.

  ‘OK, I think,’ Pete replied.

  ‘Right, then let’s hear some of the things you’re thankful for,’ Gabriel said.

  ‘I enjoyed taking the extra day off work and going out for breakfast with Liz. I also enjoyed sleeping in while on break. And the other day, our helper cooked some lady’s fingers1 with her great-tasting sambal ikan bilis2 and followed it up with—’

  ‘Good, it seems you’ve got the basic idea,’ Gabriel interrupted gently. ‘But going forward, I’d like you to try and list some things that have deeper meaning and that resonate with you emotionally. Those tend to be stickier. For instance, why did you enjoy breakfast with Liz? I’m sure it was more than just the bacon and eggs.’

  ‘That’s true,’ Pete replied. ‘Liz and I had a good conversation about life matters.’

  ‘Well another thing to be thankful for then is that you shared a good meal with Liz and had a connection,’ Gabriel explained.

  ‘OK…’ Pete was still not sure what point Gabriel was trying to make.

  Gabriel smiled warmly and continued. ‘You see, Pete, if you start listing things that are emotionally meaningful, then you’ll start working towards having more of them, and that’s the direction we need to head in.’

  Pete nodded but said nothing, and while Gabriel could see that he was becoming uncomfortable, he decided to press on to try and make his point clearer. ‘So, what did you and Liz talk about?’ he probed.

  Pete wriggled on the couch. ‘We had a conversation about our first church visit in a long time.’

  Gabriel’s eyes flickered, and Pete added, ‘You need to work a little more on your poker face, Gabriel.’

  ‘I just didn’t take you for a church goer,’ Gabriel said.

  ‘Why? Figured that I was just another soulless banker?’

  ‘No just…clinically agnostic.’

  Pete gave Gabriel a lazy smile and said, ‘Well, that’s better than some of the responses I’ve had in the past.’

  ‘How have people reacted when you’ve told them you have faith?’ Gabriel asked curiously.

  ‘For starters, I’m not sure I’m a believer anymore,’ Pete said, ‘but, in the past, a lot of people tended to look at me differently, just like you did then. I even had a girlfriend say, “But I thought that you were rational”.’

  ‘Wow, that must’ve smarted.’ Gabriel winced.

  ‘It did, and she was an ex-girlfriend soon after that,’ Pete said with satisfaction, adding, ‘I met Liz soon after that.’

  ‘Well, I don’t see faith as a sign of lack of rationality, rather as a sign of humility. And I had a modestly religious upbringing myself. Gabriel is borrowed from the angel,’ Gabriel said to put Pete at ease.

  ‘I don’t think my mum and dad thought of Saint Peter when naming me. I was born a little less than eight months after my parents’ wedding,’ Pete responded.

  ‘You could’ve been premature,’ Gabriel offered.

  Pete huffed and there was a short pause in their conversation. ‘So, whose idea was it to go to church?’

  ‘It was Liz’s. She thinks we’ve lost our way since moving to Singapore,’ Pete replied.

  ‘Do you agree with her?’ Gabriel asked.

  ‘A bit. I’ve got a little too caught up in my job, so, going to church is probably good for me,’ Pete said, thinking aloud.

  ‘Why do you think that? After all, you’re not sure you even believe in God anymore,’ Gabriel probed.

  ‘Wow, it didn’t take you long to throw that back in my face,’ Pete said, a little annoyed.

  ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way. I just want you to think about why you still wanted to go to church, despite your faith issues,’ Gabriel explained.

  ‘I don’t know. Maybe it’ll help me work out if I believe in God anymore,’ Pete answered.

  ‘Maybe you see that church is important to Liz and something that the two of you can share,’ Gabriel offered, then added, ‘When was the last time you felt such a connection with her?’

  ‘Liz is my wife, I’ve always had a connection with her,’ Pete said defensively.

  Gabriel leaned forward and asked sympathetically, ‘And you still do?’

  Pete let out a long sigh. ‘Just last week Liz said she didn’t feel much of a connection with me anymore,’ Pete replied, still smarting from Liz’s words.

  ‘I see,’ Gabriel said with concern. ‘Why do you think she said that?’

  Pete looked at Gabriel, annoyed. ‘I think lawyers call that hearsay.’

  ‘OK, I’ll be more direct and less warm and fuzzy. Why’s Liz pissed at you?’ Gabriel asked, raising his eyebrows in a challenge to Pete.

  Pete nodded and said grudgingly, ‘Things haven’t been great between us for a while, especially after…’ Pete’s speech trailed off as he hit a mental road block.

  ‘What’s wrong, Pete?’ Gabriel said gently.<
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  Pete sighed and slowly bent over and rested his head in his hands. He rubbed his face and then looked at Gabriel as if coming up for air. ‘It was a couple of months back, when me and the guys were out celebrating our bonuses.’

  10

  Bad behaviour

  ‘Here’s to Pete Moggy Clarke, for showing us how to celebrate a bonus round,’ Johnno said, raising a glass of red wine for a toast.

  ‘Yeah, thanks for the steak dinner, Pete. Cut’s awesome,’ added Luke.

  The group of six young traders chorused, ‘Hear, hear,’ and drained their wine glasses.

  ‘You’re welcome, guys, thanks for the great night,’ Pete replied.

  There was a short pause before Nathan offered, ‘We haven’t finished celebrating yet. Are we off to the casino or is the host too old and soft to carry on?’

  Pete flinched inwardly but kept a smile on his face. He and Liz had agreed on a ban from the casino when it had opened, given Pete’s history of gambling. They had even registered Pete’s identity with the Casino. But Pete was really enjoying the night and it had been a while since he had been this happy. ‘I think I could still manage to teach you young guys a thing or two about playing blackjack,’ Pete said, challenging the group.

  ‘Whoa.’ The group began gathering their things to head to the casino as Pete signalled for the bill.

  As they approached security at the Marina Bay Sands Casino, Pete quickly pulled Johnno aside and said, ‘Hey Johnno, here’s my employment pass (EP), could you hand it to the security guard for me, I need to quickly check in with Liz.’

  ‘Need to apply for a last-minute visa extension, eh Moggy?’ Johnno asked, grinning.

  ‘Yeah something like that.’ Pete handed Johnno his EP and began his fake phone call, his face obscured by the phone as the security guards flicked through the EPs and glanced at each person in the group. Then they nodded for everyone to enter.

  It worked, they barely gave me a look, Pete thought to himself, but he knew he was only halfway through the two-tiered security system. As the group entered the cave-like passageway that led out onto the cavernous casino floor, there were signs telling people to remove their hats and sunglasses and not to use their mobile phones. These instructions were so the security cameras could get a clear read of people’s faces to feed into the casino’s facial recognition software. Pete ignored the signs and continued his fake phone call. If a guard bothered to tell him to stop using the phone, there was a good chance he would be caught and stopped from entering the casino.

  Pete walked on casually, using the rest of the group as a buffer against the security guards either side of the passageway. They passed through without being stopped and Pete pocketed his iPhone after getting onto the casino floor. He grinned and said, ‘OK boys, let’s play some blackjack.’

  Pete walked around for a bit and observed the play at a few tables before sitting down at one. He hurriedly exchanged a thousand dollars for chips and began playing.

  ‘You sure you don’t want to sober up a little first, Pete?’ Luke asked, concerned.

  ‘Nah, I’m fine,’ Pete replied confidently as he began playing his first hand.

  The grouped settled in around the table, some to watch Pete play and others to play themselves. Pete won his first hand and whooped. He went on to play several more hands, each time judiciously deciding whether to stay or get hit and winning most of them. The boys were impressed.

  ‘Wow, boss, you counting cards or something?’ Johnno asked.

  Pete gave him a cautionary glance. ‘Nah, just lucky mate. Let’s get some drinks at the table,’ Pete added and caught the attention of a passing waitress.

  Pete continued to play and drink beer, managing to burn off the young traders. Several of them were going home with extra money in their pockets after having followed Pete’s play, so they were not concerned about leaving Pete to play alone.

  Not long after they’d gone home, the evening’s alcohol began to stretch Pete’s bladder. He hurriedly stuffed his chips and personals into his pockets and left the table to find a bathroom. Wandering around the casino, Pete became disoriented in the layout of passages designed like a web to ensnare players. His need for a bathroom was becoming urgent, and when he found a door, he pushed through it.

  He walked a few metres down an empty corridor before running into two large security guards. ‘What are you doing in here? This is a staff-only area,’ the younger of the two guards barked.

  Pete looked at the more senior-looking security guard who appeared more relaxed. ‘You can muzzle your pit bull here mate, I’m just looking for a bathroom,’ Pete replied.

  The younger guard took exception to Pete’s reply and pushed him roughly into a wall. ‘We could have you locked up for being back here,’ he threatened.

  Pete winced in pain and repeated, ‘I’m just looking for a bathroom, but the casino doesn’t seem to have any, which probably explains why you’re so full of shit.’

  The older guard rolled his eyes and nodded, urging the younger guard into action. He flipped Pete around and locked a restraining grip on him. Pete grimaced. Then they walked him down the corridor and after a few twists and turns came to an interview room.

  The younger guard shoved Pete roughly inside the room, the older guard frisked him and took away his chips and belongings. ‘Sit and wait,’ he ordered, pointing at a chair. The guards hurriedly left the room and locked the door.

  ‘But I need to take a piss!’ Pete said.

  He looked up at a dark half globe set into the ceiling. With a low-pitched whoosh, the air-conditioning was switched on and cold air rushed into the room. Great, at least they’re not going to sweat me, Pete thought.

  But as the cold tightened its grip on him he began pacing as his urge to go to the bathroom turned to a necessity. He looked up at the security camera and said, ‘C’mon guys, at least let me go to the bathroom.’

  There was no reply and Pete imagined the two security guards smiling with satisfaction as they watched him squirm. He was becoming desperate. ‘OK, then, I’ll just take a piss in the corner of the room,’ Pete said and turned away from the camera towards a corner.

  A few seconds later, Pete heard the door unlock and his keys were tossed onto the table. He smiled with satisfaction and pretended to zip up his pants, but as he turned around, Pete’s smile faded as he saw a stone-faced middle-aged Chinese man glaring at him.

  ‘Sit down,’ the man said coldly to Pete.

  Pete nodded and took a seat. The man leaned on the table and browbeat Pete for a while before asking sternly, ‘What were you doing in a staff-only area?’

  ‘Like I told your guards, I was just looking for a bathroom,’ Pete replied respectfully.

  The Chinese man gave Pete a hard look and then snorted. He shook his head and said something in Hokkien1 that sounded like an expletive before switching back to English. ‘You’re not even supposed to be in the casino, you’re banned,’ he said.

  ‘Well, that’s your fault for letting me into the casino in the first place,’ Pete said, sitting forward and feeling as though some power had shifted in his direction.

  ‘Really? Because the way I see it, your little stunt of using your iPhone to cover your face at security makes you complicit,’ the Chinese man said.

  Pete sighed and slouched in the chair.

  ‘Yes, I looked at the security tapes. So, take your belongings and get out. And don’t come back,’ the man added.

  Pete looked at his pile of belongings. ‘What about my chips?’ he demanded.

  ‘Your stakes are there,’ the Chinese man said nodding his head at the bank notes on the table. ‘We’re keeping the chips. Consider it a lesson,’ he added.

  ‘If I had been losing, would you have given me back my losses?’ Pete asked bitterly.

  The Chinese man swore again in Hokkien before adding, ‘We could charge you with unlawful entry, so I suggest you quit while you’re even,’ he said coldly, leaning on the table.

/>   Pete nodded his acquiescence and reached across the table for his belongings.

  The Chinese man walked over to the door and opened it to let the two men who had nabbed Pete step in. They took him to a bathroom before shoving him out a staff exit.

  Pete looked over at the cab queue and was relieved to see it was mercifully short. But as he stumbled into the cab, he dropped his wallet. Unaware, he dozed off in the cab and was abruptly woken by the cab driver when they reached his condominium.

  ‘Hey, ang mo2, that’s twenty dollars,’ the cab driver said.

  Pete groggily nodded and reached for his wallet. He began desperately looking around the cab but couldn’t find it.

  The cab driver, noticing Pete’s panic, swore in Hokkien and then asked angrily, ‘So you got twenty dollars or not?’

  ‘Calm down, I’ll go upstairs and get some money. You’ll just have to wait for a bit,’ Pete said, trying to cajole the driver.

  ‘No way ang mo. You go up and never come back,’ the cab driver replied.

  Pete sighed. The evening had started so well, he thought, before reluctantly offering a solution. ‘OK then, come upstairs with me and I’ll get the money.’

  The cab driver grumbled, ‘Tau ang mo3,’ and switched off the cab to follow Pete upstairs.

  Pete and the cab driver entered Pete’s apartment and he left the driver standing in the living room while he went about the house rummaging for twenty dollars. The cab driver reached into his pocket for a packet of cigarettes as his gaze drifted over the living room and he nodded with approval. He lit up a cigarette.

  After a while, Liz rushed out into the living room in her nightgown in a panic. The cab driver looked her up and down and smiled lustfully.

  ‘What the hell are you doing in my house?’ Liz demanded.

  The cab driver calmly took a drag on his cigarette and replied, ‘Waiting for your drunk husband to pay me twenty dollars.’