Learning to Fly: A story about overcoming depression

by David E Forrester

  Pete’s curiosity was piqued. ‘What would I have to do?’

  ‘At minimum, put together a team of ten runners, register them and then make sure they turn up on race day. Anything beyond that is entirely up to you.’

  Connecting socially with people outside of work. Crap, exactly what Gabriel wants me to do. And for the sake of charity, which would probably get me bonus points, Pete reasoned. He took a breath and plunged in. ‘I’ll do it, but on the condition that I get final say on the team. We should also run a fundraiser around the event, because I doubt we’ll win,’ Pete said.

  ‘Fundraiser?’ Nick said, surprised. ‘Sounds like you’re definitely the right man for the job then.’

  ‘Thanks,’ Pete replied, a little surprised himself.

  Nick nodded and headed out the door. Pete stood alone in the meeting room mulling over what he had just taken on and felt his anxiety levels rise. He closed his eyes and went through a few cycles of breathing to compose himself, then headed back out onto the trading floor.

  14

  Counting steps

  Pete came out of Somerset MRT station and started walking up an escalator, but was soon caught behind two people standing side by side. Pete grimaced. ‘Excuse me?’

  A woman turned around a little surprised and said in a Singlish accent1, ‘Oh, sorry ah?’ as she stepped aside.

  ‘Mei guanxi2,’ Pete replied in Mandarin and smiled as he walked by. I guess they just don’t expect people to ask and that’s why they just stand there, Pete thought.

  At the top of the escalator Pete emerged into the 313 Mall, which opened up into an indoor cavern layered on both sides with restaurants and shops. After walking another fifty metres through the mall, he came out onto Orchard Road and crossed a pedestrian walk into Emerald Hill.

  Pete normally alighted at Orchard station, which left him with a shorter walk to his condo, but today he thought he would try practising one of Gabriel’s meditation exercises while walking through Emerald Hill, which was one of the few remaining traditional heritage residential areas near the city.

  The walk started with the bars at the bottom of the hill, which were quiet on a Tuesday evening, with only a few people sitting at the outside tables enjoying the breezy evening air. It was a contrast to Orchard Road and its loud bustle of traffic and high-end shoppers. Halfway up the hill, the bars gave way to an International School on one side and double-storey Peranakan shop houses with their colourful and ornate facades on the other. School had been out for hours and the houses had people beginning to sit down for dinner, so the noise level fell another notch.

  But it was the top of the hill that Pete was looking forward to most, striped with rows of single-storey terrace houses, their gardens full of frangipanis. And the roads that traced out the blocks were lined with angsana trees. Emerald Hill made Pete feel as though he was walking through a suburban neighbourhood back in Sydney, not so closed in by condos and shopping malls.

  Pete began counting his steps and allowed his mind to fall into their rhythm as he took in the neighbourhood and felt for a breeze. His thoughts drifted to his first day back at work. It went well. I managed to control my temper and even used a bit of verbal judo effectively. I also signed up for a charity event. Three significant steps that I can note down and be thankful for, Pete thought, then brought his mind back to the rhythm of his steps.

  One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. He instinctively stopped at eight and started counting again. Why eight? he wondered. It’s the lucky number in Chinese, I guess, and it seems to have a nice rhythm to it. So why not?

  He returned to his meditation, listening to and counting his footsteps. Pete observed that his mind did not empty as it did during his other meditations. Instead, it was idling like an athlete doing light exercise between events in order to refresh his muscles in preparation for their next effort.

  Pete reached the gate of his condo and felt as though his mind had been recharged. Wow, it worked. He smiled.

  In the past, Pete had sometimes felt trepidation at this point, especially if it had been a bad day at work. He would worry that he didn’t have the mental energy to deal with Bobby’s insatiable curiosity and the patience to deal with his stubborn resistance when it was time to bathe and get ready for bed. But today, Pete looked forward to all these things; he was hungry for family.

  Let’s go and make it four things to be thankful for, Pete said to himself as he passed through the condo gate.

  15

  Seeking some balance

  Pete was just finishing getting dressed as Liz came into the bedroom. ‘I’m about to head off to yoga. What’re you going to do with Bobby this morning?’ she asked.

  ‘I’m going to teach him how to ride that bike we bought him for Christmas. He hasn’t even touched it,’ Pete said.

  Liz looked concerned. ‘Are you sure you want to start with something so big? Maybe he’s not ready.’

  ‘It’ll be fine.’

  She didn’t seem convinced. ‘OK, but I need you to remember that when you’re dealing with Bobby you have to listen to what he wants and respect it. Especially this morning, because for whatever reason he’s cranky. So, look out,’ Liz cautioned.

  ‘Like father like son eh?’ Pete quipped.

  ‘Yeah, so I can see the two of you butting heads,’ Liz said solemnly.

  ‘We’ll be fine. So, go, enjoy yoga,’ Pete said, trying to reassure her.

  ‘OK,’ Liz said reluctantly. She gave Pete a peck on the cheek and headed for the front door.

  Bobby ran down the hallway after her. ‘Mummy, where are you going?’ he whined.

  Liz squatted down and gave Bobby a hug and a kiss on his forehead. ‘Mummy’s going to yoga, sweetie. Daddy’s going to play with you this morning.’

  Bobby stamped his foot and pasted a pout on his face. ‘I don’t want to play with Daddy, I want to play Lego with you.’ He crossed his arms defiantly.

  ‘You play Lego with Mummy every day, sweetie. So, won’t it be nice to play with Daddy for a change?’

  ‘No, I want to play with Mummy,’ Bobby insisted.

  Pete came into the living room and squatted down beside Liz. ‘Hey Bobby, Daddy’s going to teach you how to ride your bike this morning. Won’t that be fun?’ he said encouragingly.

  ‘I don’t want to learn to ride a bike,’ Bobby said.

  ‘But if you learn how to ride a bike, you can come out with Daddy to the park and you can ride beside Daddy while he runs. We can even race,’ Pete said enthusiastically.

  ‘I don’t want to do that. I want to play with Mummy in my playroom, building things with my Lego,’ Bobby replied.

  ‘How about after we learn how to ride your bike, we go for ice cream?’ Pete said, trying an old-school approach.

  Liz frowned at Pete and he responded with an apologetic look.

  ‘OK,’ Bobby said, jumping at the offer, ‘but I want ice cream and sushi.’

  Pete looked at Liz with surprise and said, ‘What sort of kid asks for sushi as a treat? He’s not even Japanese.’

  Liz sighed. ‘OK, Bobby, after Mummy comes back from yoga we can go for sushi for lunch. But you have to eat all of your lunch before you get any ice cream, agreed?’

  Bobby pumped his fists in the air, ‘Yay sushi and ice cream!’

  Pete looked on in disbelief at the mishmash of foods that excited his son, then caught Liz’s eye and motioned with his head towards the door.

  ‘OK, Bobby, I’ll see you later. Enjoy bike riding with Daddy. I love you,’ Liz said and leaned over to give Bobby a kiss on his cheek and another hug.

  ‘Bye, Mummy. I love you too,’ Bobby said, waving as Liz closed the door behind her.

  Pete stood atop a small rise with his hand clutching the back of Bobby bicycle seat. He tapped the top of Bobby’s helmet and said, ‘OK Bobby, you ready?’

  Bobby peered down the pebblecrete path, which was cut into a slope and had brick retaining walls and garden beds on either side.
The slope had a gentle bend to the right, and to Pete, while not ideal, it did not appear too threatening a place to teach Bobby to ride. ‘I guess so,’ he replied nervously.

  ‘It’s OK, Bobby, Daddy will hold on to make sure you don’t fall over. Now, remember for starters just try and glide down the hill with your feet on the pedals, OK?’ Pete instructed. ‘If you’re going too fast, squeeze the back brake – this one here – and then you’ll slow down. Don’t touch the front one yet. That’s for later.’

  ‘OK, Daddy,’ Bobby said, still nervous.

  ‘OK, off we go,’ Pete said, nudging the bike forward.

  Pete trailed the bike, holding it with one hand, and was surprised that he had to strain only a couple of times to help Bobby keep it upright. Bobby’s face moved gradually from one of stern concentration to a beaming smile as he squeezed on the brake at the bottom of the slope. He turned to Pete and said, ‘That was fun, Daddy. But I’m not ready to do it by myself,’ he added.

  ‘It’s OK, Bobby, I’ll keep holding on until you’re ready. I won’t let you fall,’ Pete reassured him. He turned the bike around and pushed it back up the hill with Bobby still on it.

  After a few more runs, Bobby began pedalling and Pete had to run to keep up, his arm straining to keep Bobby upright.

  As he stood at the top of the hill taking a breather, Pete was feeling rather pleased with himself and thought, ‘What was Liz worried about?’ He rubbed his shoulder.

  ‘C’mon Daddy, let’s go,’ Bobby said impatiently.

  ‘OK Bobby, hold on a sec,’ Pete replied and leaned over to grab the back of Bobby’s bike. ‘Let’s see how you do on this run,’ he added as he nudged the bike forward. Pete ran a few more steps and without Bobby knowing, let the bicycle go. He watched Bobby continue confidently, riding with barely a wobble for a couple of seconds. But when Bobby came to the bend, he was going too fast without Pete to slow him down. He panicked and forgot to squeeze the brake and the front wheel of the bicycle hit the wall and skipped off it before the bicycle went tumbling onto its side with Bobby sprawled underneath it.

  Pete sprinted the few feet to reach him. ‘Bobby, are you OK?’ he asked, lifting the bike off him.

  ‘You said you’d hold on and not let me fall. You lied!’ Bobby said through his tears, clutching a grazed knee.

  ‘I’m sorry, Bobby, you were doing really well, so I thought you could ride by yourself. It won’t happen again, I promise,’ Pete replied earnestly, reaching a hand out to Bobby. ‘C’mon, let’s try again.’

  Bobby slapped away Pete’s hand and said, ‘No, I don’t want to learn how to ride a bike anymore,’ his anger pushing away his tears.

  ‘C’mon Bobby, it was only a little fall and the graze is really small,’ Pete said, trying to pick Bobby back up and put him on the bike. But Bobby wriggled out of Pete’s arms, turned around, and pushed Pete with surprising force.

  ‘No, I don’t want you to teach me how to ride a bike, I don’t love you anymore and I only want to play with Mummy, not you!’ Bobby cried.

  The words wounded Pete and he felt the familiar presence of the Monster lurking in the darkness of his mind. What a sooky kid. One small graze and he’s ready to give up and go running to Mummy. That’s your fault you know, so you’d better do something about it right now. He needs to learn to get back on the bike after falling off, the Monster hissed.

  Pete felt his anger begin to rise, but closed his eyes and took a breath to calm himself. The Monster switched tactics. How can Robert trust you? You haven’t been there for him and all of the sudden you’re trying to be Father of the Year. It’s your first attempt and you’ve already hurt him. Liz’s going to have a fit when she sees that graze. You’re useless! it growled in Pete’s mind.

  Pete felt himself begin to spiral downward as panic piled on top of his sadness. Tears began to well in his eyes and he sensed the Monster advancing. That’s why Robert’s so sooky, he gets it from you. Go ahead, show him how to be sensitive, it added with contempt.

  Pete kept his eyes closed and breathed carefully. He listened to himself exhale and as he did, Pete did something he had never done before, he turned to face the Monster with his mind’s eye. It was concealed in the shadows and Pete could make out only its silhouette, but he could feel it hesitate. Pete took another breath and slowly counted, then after a short pause let it out slowly while counting again. Pete repeated the cycle again and felt the Monster begin to retreat into the shadows. Finally the Monster was gone.

  Pete opened his eyes to see Bobby sitting down next to his bike sulking. ‘Are you OK, Bobby?’ he asked gently, squatting down beside Bobby.

  ‘No, my knee hurts,’ Bobby replied. ‘And I don’t want to do bike-riding anymore,’ he added with a pout.

  ‘That’s OK, buddy. I’m really sorry I let go,’ Pete said sincerely.

  ‘No, you’re not. And, I’m going to tell Mummy what you did,’ Bobby threatened.

  Pete felt another pang over Liz’s bond with Bobby. ‘I think Mummy will be able to work it out for herself when she sees your graze, don’t you?’ Pete asked, standing up and extending a hand to Bobby.

  Bobby looked at Pete and stubbornly refused to take his hand. ‘C’mon, Bobby, let Daddy help you up,’ Pete said warmly.

  After a couple of seconds, Bobby reluctantly took Pete’s hand. ‘Thanks, buddy. Mummy’s going to be home soon, so let’s go back upstairs and I’ll put a bandaid on your knee. Then we can get cleaned up for lunch,’ Pete said. He reached over and straightened up Bobby’s bike and they headed for home, Pete wheeling the bike with one hand and holding Bobby’s hand with the other.

  Liz came into the bedroom just as Pete was pulling on his pants. ‘What happened? Bobby’s got a graze on his knee and says he never wants to play with you again. He told me you let him fall,’ Liz added, glowering at Pete.

  ‘Settle down, Liz, it’s just a graze. You could hardly expect him to come home from learning how to ride a bike without any war wounds,’ Pete replied defensively.

  ‘It doesn’t sound like he learned much of anything, other than falling down. Why didn’t you take him to a park where there’s some grass?’ Liz demanded.

  ‘There’s no grassed area around here that allows bikes. And he was doing fine until he fell over,’ Pete added, before realising how ridiculous he sounded.

  ‘And how did that happen?’ Liz asked.

  Pete sighed. ‘I let go of the bike without letting Bobby know and before he was ready,’ Pete confessed.

  ‘Well, it’s going to be a long while before he trusts you again. If ever!’ Liz admonished.

  Her words stung, and Pete sat down on the end of the bed. ‘Yeah, I know I messed up. But I just wanted to try and make a connection with Bobby, like the one you have,’ he said.

  Liz’s anger softened. She sat down on the bed next to him. ‘Pete, it’s going to take a while to build a connection with Bobby. He has to get to know and trust you,’ she said, rubbing his back.

  ‘Wow, my own son doesn’t know me,’ Pete said bitterly.

  ‘It’s a two-way street. You have to get to know him as well. But don’t worry, you’ll get another shot. Just be patient,’ Liz said encouragingly.

  Pete stared at his hands, then asked, ‘Did Bobby say anything about after he fell off his bike?’

  ‘Just that you tried to put him back on and that he pushed you. Why?’ Liz asked.

  ‘I nearly lost it in front of Bobby,’ Pete said, ashamed.

  ‘What do you mean?’ Liz asked, concerned.

  ‘You know my…composure,’ Pete added cryptically.

  ‘Oh, you mean you almost cried in front of Bobby?’ Liz said blithely.

  ‘Liz, it’s not something I take lightly. I’m supposed to be Bobby’s father and always strong,’ Pete explained.

  ‘You know, Bobby seeing his father cry and show his feelings may not be such a bad thing, especially if he sees you bounce back,’ Liz replied.

  ‘But what if I don’t bounce
back?’ Pete countered with a concerned look.

  ‘Well that’s something we’re going to have to keep working on,’ Liz answered and hugged Pete.

  16

  Cognitive distortions

  ‘Hi Pete. Please come in,’ Gabriel said as he held open the door to his office.

  As they were settling into their seats, Gabriel asked, ‘So how’s the past week been?’

  ‘There were ups and downs, but I managed OK,’ Pete replied evasively.

  ‘So how did you do with your homework?’

  Pete took in a breath and let it out slowly. ‘Well, I had that talk with Liz about my night out with the boys.’

  ‘And how did it go?’

  ‘She flipped me rather than me flipping her!’ Pete replied with a mix of embarrassment and frustration.

  Gabriel raised his eyebrows. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘I got most of the way through the conversation like we had rehearsed. I had her tired and ready to flip and then she suddenly turned around and signed me up for Saturday mornings with Bobby while she heads off to yoga. She also made me go gluten free,’ Pete said.

  Gabriel let out a chuckle. ‘Sounds like she sutemied you.’

  ‘She what?’ Pete asked, confused.

  ‘She sacrificed her positioned in order to get you off balance and flip you. It’s an advanced judo technique,’ Gabriel explained.

  ‘Yeah, well thanks a lot for throwing me in the ring with a black belt. It ended up with me getting arm-twisted into agreeing to early morning wake-up calls on a Saturday and eating bland muesli for breakfast!’ Pete complained.

  ‘Is it really that bad?’ Gabriel asked.

  ‘The muesli’s going to take some getting used,’ Pete replied in a surly manner.