Learning to Fly: A story about overcoming depression

by David E Forrester

  ‘No,’ Pete replied gruffly. He then hurriedly pulled his pants back on and went to the bathroom to take a cold shower to wash away the itch he could no longer scratch, as well as to give Liz enough time to go back to sleep. The last thing he wanted was to talk about what had just happened.

  Pete got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around himself. He leaned against the bathroom sink and looked into the mirror.

  It was happening, a much-feared side effect of the antidepressants. The Monster was switching tactics again; this time it was going after Pete and Liz and their hoped-for family.

  Pete looked at his reflection in the mirror and glared into his eyes as if staring down the Monster. I’ve tried diet, exercise, therapy, drugs and even making fucking friends. But there’s still one thing I haven’t tried and that’s how I’m going to deal with you.

  37

  A little more love

  ‘You heading out for a run?’ Liz asked as she saw Pete pulling on his running shoes near the door.

  ‘Let’s just say that I need to expel some excess energy,’ Pete replied.

  Liz nodded knowingly at Pete as he added, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll be back before you head off to yoga. I’m only going to the Botanic Gardens and back.’

  ‘I’m not sure I’m going to go today. I’m waitlisted for the class,’ Liz responded.

  Pete looked at Liz puzzled. ‘Waitlisted? As in the airline waitlisted?’

  ‘Yep. The class has become so popular it gets booked out early in the week. So, if I want a spot, I have to head down to the gym about thirty minutes before class and see if anyone cancels their booking,’ Liz explained.

  Pete smiled and joked, ‘Shouldn’t that be called standby rather than waitlisted?’

  ‘I guess waitlisted sounds better,’ Liz said.

  ‘Well, I’ll see you before you head off to the airport,’ Pete quipped and pecked Liz on the cheek. He headed for the front door.

  ‘Hold on a sec.’ Liz hurried into their bedroom. She came back out with her iPod. ‘The girls at the gym put me onto this album. It’s pretty ancient, 2006 I think. The band’s called Angels & Airwaves. It’s some kind of super group made up of musicians who have played in Blink-182, Box Car Racer, Hazen Street, The Distillers, The Offspring, Nine Inch Nails, Paramore, Thirty Seconds to Mars and a whole lot of others I can’t remember. Give it a listen. I think you’ll like it,’ Liz suggested as she handed her iPod to Pete.

  ‘Wow, that’s an eclectic mix of musos. Sounds promising, thanks,’ Pete replied and then plugged his headphones into Liz’s iPod and pressed play. ‘See you in a bit,’ he said with a wink as he headed out the door.

  The sun was just threatening to rise above the horizon as Pete made his way along the pavement running beside Orchard Road. Apart from street and pavement sweepers, and the occasional taxi cab, it was quiet, and Pete was alone. There were not even any seedy stragglers out the front of the infamous Orchard Towers as he topped Orchard Road and rounded the bend to head to the Botanic Gardens.

  Pete was impressed by what he had heard from Angels & Airwaves so far. Their music was a mix of Pink Floyd and U2 with a touch of the roughness of Radiohead and The Offspring. It had energetic rhythms and was perfect for running to. Pete even found himself going a little too fast too early in his run and had to hold himself back as he pushed through the Tanglin Gates entrance to the Botanic Gardens.

  Then as Pete came up on Swan Lake, a song came on that was really evocative. It had a soulful synthesiser opening that hit that magic spot between making a person feel sadly nostalgic and inspired at the same time. Then drums began to tap out a steady heartbeat that was soon joined by the lead and bass guitars.

  The vocalist began singing about a sad Earth and the hope of waking up to find that his dream had come true: that the Earth had green trees, clear blue skies, deep blue oceans and happiness because God had come to fix everything.

  In the chorus the vocalist sang of God asking people to let Him near so they could tell Him all the fears that they felt, but were too afraid to tell anyone else, so He could fix them.

  For Pete, the secret was his depression and his fear was that he could never be whole again. He began to tear up and he suddenly found himself slowing down. He stopped running, paused the iPod and put his hands on his hips, tears now trickling down his cheeks. He blinked and looked toward the sky. ‘I really need Your help now, because I’m going to go off the antidepressants. I don’t expect a miracle cure, but I’d like You to at least help me fight it. And if not for me, then for Liz and Bobby, because I want to be better for them because they deserve better, even if I don’t. So please, please, please help me?’

  Pete suddenly felt weak and took a couple of steps to sit down on the grass. The quiver he felt in Hoi Ann returned and made its way through his body. Tears began to well up behind his eyes again, but instead of holding them back, this time Pete let them flow and began to feel a sense of relief as if being unburdened.

  Pete smiled and sat for a minute basking in his new inner glow. He then stood back up and unpaused the iPod. The rest of the chorus began to play and sang about God telling people the secret to their happiness was His love and that even a little of this love would be enough. Pete smiled again and began running back toward home with a renewed energy in his stride. He was pulling the energy from his soul and it was reinvigorating his entire body. The pain was still there, but it was more bearable, and the sun was now rising.

  Part III

  Diving

  38

  Talking about withdrawal

  ‘That’s a pretty big decision, Pete. Are you sure you’re ready for that?’ Gabriel asked, concerned.

  Pete was a bit annoyed by Gabriel’s lack of confidence and replied, ‘You could be a little more encouraging, Gabriel. And have more confidence in your abilities,’ he added a slight dig at Gabriel.

  ‘I’m sorry, Pete, but deciding to come off antidepressants is a big step and not a decision you should be making by yourself. We need to discuss your motivations to see if they are appropriate,’ Gabriel explained.

  ‘You’re beginning to sound like a regular shrink, or how I imagined one to sound,’ Pete said.

  ‘Sorry for being cryptic,’ Gabriel said and paused before he broached a sensitive topic. ‘Are there any physical reasons?’ he asked delicately.

  Pete sighed and decided it was useless to try to dance around the issue. ‘Let’s just say that when Liz and I are having sex, the wick to my fireworks burns almost all the way to the end and then the flame gets snuffed out.’

  ‘I’m really sorry to hear that, Pete,’ Gabriel said earnestly. ‘But is that the only reason for wanting to come off the antidepressants?’

  ‘Wow, you’re really inside my head. You got it in one,’ Pete said sarcastically.

  ‘The reason I ask is I know you and Liz are trying to have another baby. So, I’m concerned you’re putting pressure on yourself to come off antidepressants for that reason,’ Gabriel said.

  Pete swallowed. ‘OK, that’s part of the reason,’ he conceded, ‘but it’s only a small part.’

  ‘And what’s the other part?’ Gabriel probed.

  ‘I know that this is going to sound weird, but a big part of the reason is that, aside from what we just discussed, I’ve never been happier,’ Pete answered.

  Gabriel looked at Pete, confused, and said, ‘You’re right, that does sound weird.’

  Pete frowned. ‘I’m questioning whether my happiness is because of the drugs or whether it’s real. Because if it’s the drugs, I might prefer the alternative. At least that would be real.’

  ‘Why do you think your happiness is not real because of the antidepressants?’ Gabriel queried.

  ‘I’m not a Mormon, Gabriel, but doesn’t depending on drugs mean it’s not real?’ Pete asked, holding his ground.

  ‘OK then. So, what if it is less real?’ Gabriel conceded and then asked, ‘So what?’

  ‘What sort of example would I b
e setting for Bobby? Let’s say that when he’s a teenager he starts experiencing depression. I don’t want to say to him, “Sorry, son, you’ve got Daddy’s disease and it’s time for you to be medicated.” I’d be telling him that there’s something wrong with him when I really should be telling him that he’s fine just the way he is, and show him another way,’ Pete answered.

  Gabriel nodded. ‘Pete, that’s very admirable,’ he said earnestly, ‘And that other way is exactly what we’ve been working on here. But coming off antidepressants so soon could cause you to relapse, even if you taper down,’ Gabriel cautioned.

  ‘Then I’d just up my dose again,’ Pete countered.

  ‘True, but a lot of damage could be done before you realise you need to up your dose again or the new dose takes effect,’ Gabriel said.

  ‘You mean I might blow up at work again?’ Pete asked.

  ‘Yes, or damage your relationships with Liz and Bobby,’ Gabriel said.

  ‘Liz will be looking out for me; I’ve already discussed it with her. Like you, she was hesitant, but understood my decision. And I think that Bobby would forgive me for having a bad day, but you’re right, the people at work would be less understanding. I could even get fired,’ Pete acknowledged.

  ‘So why risk it now?’ Gabriel pushed.

  ‘Because I want to know if who I am now really is me and that I’m not really an asshole,’ Pete said emphatically.

  There was a period of quiet as they both considered what Pete had just said.

  ‘If you really are determined to do this, I strongly advise you to take some time off work and give yourself a chance to adjust,’ Gabriel said, giving way.

  ‘Christmas is coming, so the markets will be quieter and less stressful. And I will be taking some time off,’ Pete said.

  ‘Good,’ Gabriel replied. ‘We also need to ramp up your meditation training. I’ll show you some exercises today and you’ll have to practise them every day, whether you feel like it or not, so that you’re good at them and can use them effectively when you need to. I’ll also give you some books to read while you’re sunning yourself on a beach somewhere,’ Gabriel added.

  Pete was a little taken aback. ‘Wow, you’re really taking this seriously, aren’t you?’

  Gabriel looked soberly at Pete and said, ‘Pete, we’re about to remove the safety net.’

  39

  Falling in love again

  Pete was getting frustrated. He had spent most of his Saturday afternoon trailing Liz around the fashion stores along Orchard Road and they still had not found her a birthday dress. Pete’s only consolation was that while they had not found a dress, at least he had not been asked the question that made every boyfriend and husband squirm. That was, until now.

  ‘Pete, does this dress make me look fat?’ Liz asked as she turned so she could view the back of the dress in a mirror.

  Pete looked at the dress. Crap, it does, he thought. And it’s not as if Liz isn’t slim. It’s just that the dress is designed for a stick with boobs. Pete asked, ‘How much does it cost?’

  Liz gave him an angry look. ‘I thought I had a blank cheque?’ she said, annoyed. ‘Oh, don’t bother. I don’t think it’s the right fit anyway,’ Liz said, answering her own question, then headed back into a stall to take off the dress.

  ‘Good. Better to shoot myself in the foot than the head,’ Pete said quietly to himself.

  The attendant then brought in a long dress on a hanger, which caught Pete’s attention. ‘Wow, Liz, I think the next one could be a winner,’ Pete said. But then again, I could just be getting desperate, he thought.

  Liz tried on the dress, which was rose-coloured and complemented her pale complexion. It was cut to follow her curves, but then Pete saw an inevitable snag and said, ‘Liz, that dress is perfect, except for one thing.’

  ‘And that is?’ Liz asked curiously.

  ‘Your butt’s too small for it,’ Pete said, and Liz’s face glowed. ‘Why don’t we get them to take it in?’ Pete said and nodded to the attendant to prompt her into action. ‘And I can pick it up for you on the way home from work sometime early next week. That way, you’ll still have it in plenty of time to try it on before your birthday in case it needs more work.’

  ‘Wow, thanks Pete. That would be great,’ Liz replied, a little surprised at Pete’s generosity.

  ‘No problem, happy to do it,’ Pete said earnestly. Hell, I’d even try on the dress myself if I thought it would help, he thought.

  The attendant started to pin the dress in at the back and soon it fitted Liz perfectly. As the attendant stood back and Liz turned about to look at herself in the mirror, she gave Pete a beatific smile and he had to catch his breath.

  God, I love her, he thought.

  Pete and Liz were standing next to each other at the pedestrian lights waiting to cross Orchard Road. Pete turned to Liz and smiled. ‘You looked wonderful trying on those dresses today,’ he said earnestly.

  ‘Thanks Pete, but it’s getting harder each year to fit into them. They just seem to keep getting smaller,’ Liz replied.

  ‘Well you didn’t seem to have a problem today. In fact, I think you made a lot of those dresses look good, rather than the other way around,’ Pete offered, beginning to sound syrupy.

  Liz gave him a puzzled look. ‘You’re sounding a little strange. Have you upped your dose of antidepressants?’ she asked.

  ‘Nope,’ Pete answered, slightly embarrassed. He looked at the ground and smiled. After a short pause, he turned his attention back to Liz. ‘I’m not sure I’m going to say this right, but here it goes. I don’t think I’ve ever really fallen out of love with you, but what I do know is that, these past few months, I’ve fallen back in love with you. And today, I think I just realised that.’

  Liz smiled at Pete and then reached out to grab his hand, interlacing their fingers. It took Pete back to their past when they used to hold hands whenever they walked anywhere. And back then, they would say, ‘I love you’ with a simple squeeze of the hand.

  Pete smiled back at Liz and gently squeezed her hand. His heartbeat quickened in nervous anticipation. Liz gave Pete a blissful smile and squeezed back.

  40

  Good nights

  ‘Hey Pete, what time is Liz’s birthday party?’ Johnno asked.

  ‘Eight o’clock, why?’ Pete replied.

  ‘Shouldn’t you be thinking of leaving? It’s nearly six,’ Johnno said, eyeing the clock on the wall.

  ‘Yeah, I suppose you’re right. The host can’t risk turning up late. You think you and Luke can handle things from here?’ Pete asked.

  ‘Sure. It looks like it’s going to be a quiet Friday night. Feels like Christmas has come early,’ Johnno said.

  And just then, a salesperson yelled out, ‘China just cut rates!’

  ‘What the…?!’ Pete said, standing up to look at the salesperson.

  ‘They just announced it. The one-year lending rate’s been cut by forty basis points and the one-year deposit rate by twenty-five,’ she replied.

  Pete looked over at Research. ‘Chen, was this expected?’ he asked.

  Chen swivelled around in his seat. ‘No. They didn’t cut during the run of weak data these past few months, so people had given up looking for one,’ Chen replied with a sigh.

  Pete looked at his screens. The Australian dollar had already popped and was continuing to head higher. He quietly let out an expletive and then thought, ‘No positions tonight. It’s Liz’s birthday.’

  Pete sat back down and glanced at Luke and Johnno on either side of him. ‘Guys, you can put on some positions if you want, but I’m staying square tonight. I’ll hang back long enough to help manage the flow on the back of this news and then I’m off,’ he said.

  ‘Sounds like a good plan,’ Luke said, and Johnno nodded in agreement.

  Pete stood up to stretch and looked over at the clock. Six thirty-five. I’ll still make it in good time if I leave now, he thought and reached down to pick up his backpa
ck.

  Then another salesperson yelled out a news headline. ‘ECB President Mario Draghi says, “We will do what we must to raise inflation and inflation expectations as fast as possible”.’

  Pete groaned and put down his backpack; he couldn’t believe his rotten luck. He looked over at Research. ‘Hey brains trust. Super Mario just suggested he’s finally willing to start buying government bonds and printing money, right? That’s a massive change in rhetoric, isn’t it?’ he probed.

  Chen swivelled around in his chair. ‘Yes, Pete it’s a massive change. The Euro should get smashed on this. It seems to be all happening tonight for some reason. It’s going to be a late one for us writing it all up,’ he added with another sigh.

  ‘I hear you mate, I really do,’ Pete said sympathetically. He quickly thought about how to make money out of the seismic shifts in two of the world’s largest central banks. ‘We have to sell the Euro against the Aussie on the back of all of this, don’t we Chen?’ he asked.

  ‘Yep, that’s what we’ll be writing up,’ Chen agreed.

  Pete sat back down and his hand instinctively moved to his dealing pad, but then he stopped. ‘Nope, it’s Liz’s night. Besides, I’m well ahead of budget and its nearly year end, so making more money now will only add to next year’s budget and not much to my bonus,’ he reasoned.

  ‘Luke, Johnno, you heard that, right? So, if you want to trade anything tonight, I think that selling Euro–Aussie’s the thing to do,’ Pete said, looking at his screens, and then added, ‘OK guys, let’s get the flow traded on this news and then I really have to get out of here.’

  ‘Johnno, Luke, it’s been a fun Friday night, but it’s seven o’clock and my cab’s here, so I’ve got to bolt. If there’re any problems give me a call, but I think you guys can handle it from here,’ Pete said, standing up and throwing his backpack over a shoulder.