Learning to Fly: A story about overcoming depression

by David E Forrester

  ‘Hey, it isn’t just any trouble. I’m being passed over for promotion, a promotion even you said I deserved,’ Pete said defensively.

  ‘So, what? You’ll get another chance, if not where you are now, then somewhere else, where they’ll appreciate you more and you’ll be a lot happier,’ Liz replied.

  ‘I’m happy where I am,’ Pete said.

  ‘Well then why are you being treated for depression?’

  ‘I’m being treated for a genetic condition, it’s not just the job. And why don’t you have more sympathy?’ Pete said.

  ‘Because you’ve got more than enough for yourself,’ she countered.

  ‘Wow, I guess it all looks so easy from the sidelines, doesn’t it?’ Pete said snidely.

  ‘Really? Do you know what it’s like standing on the sidelines watching someone you love struggle and knowing there’s nothing you can do to help?’ Liz was starting to get upset.

  Gabriel interjected. ‘OK, things are starting to get a little heated. So why don’t we try a sharing exercise? Pete, how does Liz’s frustration make you feel?’ he asked hastily.

  Liz and Pete both shot Gabriel angry looks.

  He held his hands up in apology and conceded, ‘OK, not my finest therapy moment I’m sure.’ After a short pause he continued, ‘Pete, Liz has a right to feel frustrated, as do you. Things haven’t worked out the way any of us wanted. But the situation is what it is, and we have to learn to accept that.’

  ‘What’s this? Some sort of Zen Buddhist garbage?’ Liz snapped.

  Pete let out a snort of laughter.

  ‘It’s Sufi, actually,’ Gabriel replied calmly.

  ‘Well I’ll tell you what the situation is,’ Liz said, ‘Pete’s not getting the promotion he worked very hard for and thinks his world’s closing in on him just when it’s probably beginning to open up. And, he’s failing to see that when you’re supposed to have taught him otherwise.’

  Pete sat up, enjoying the exchange between Liz and Gabriel and was unsure who he wanted to prevail. Gabriel remained unfazed and answered respectfully, ‘You’re right Liz, Pete and I have been working in that direction. The past twenty-four hours have been a big test for Pete. It’s unfortunate that he’s stumbled, but it’s a difficult task for anyone to look at such a large setback at work positively, especially someone as pessimistic as Pete.’

  ‘Hey, I’m sitting right here you know?’ Pete interrupted, irritated. ‘It was you two who forced me onto mind-altering drugs that ended up chemically castrating me, all so that little Petey could learn how to play better with the other adults. Well you know what? There was nothing wrong with me the way I was. There’s something to be said for defensive pessimism.’

  Gabriel sighed. ‘Yes, that’s right Gabriel, I’ve been doing some supplementary reading. And may be if I’d stuck to my defensively pessimistic self, rather than trying to re-wire myself to be an optimist, I would’ve seen what was coming and headed it off. Instead, now I’m not being promoted and still unhappy!’ Pete said angrily.

  ‘And how would have you done things differently as a defensive pessimist Pete?’ Gabriel asked.

  ‘I would have worked harder rather than ducking away from my desk to meditate. I would have pushed young traders harder to make more money. I would have stayed back late at work to make prices for London rather than go home…’ Pete added with fading confidence and had to pause to take a breath to fight back tears.

  ‘And doubled down on the same strategy that was helping cause your depression,’ Gabriel said sympathetically. ‘And to be honest Pete, I don’t think it would have made much of a difference. If anything, it would probably have made things worse. At least now you’ve repaired your relationship with Liz, you have a great and blossoming relationship with Bobby, and a dedicated friend who’s got your back. All of that happened because you decided to change who you were and venture outside your comfort zone. So when you look back at this episode of your life, you’re not going to brood over how things could’ve turned out differently like a depressed person would. You will move on. Because even defensive pessimists do that if they’re not depressed.’

  ‘Gabriel’s right Pete. They don’t deserve you. So, stop attaching your happiness to them and attach it to Bobby and me instead.’ Liz placed her hand on her chest. ‘I know they’ve broken your heart, but we never will.’

  Pete looked down at his hands, fighting back more tears.

  ‘Pete, you’ve won a lot this past year,’ Gabriel said.

  ‘I know, Gabriel, it just doesn’t feel like I’ve won,’ Pete replied.

  ‘I know, because everything’s not perfect, but it hardly ever is. It’ll just take some time for you to get over this one loss, given how big it is,’ Gabriel added.

  Pete nodded and said, ‘So, what Kübler-Ross1 stage do you think I’m at then?’

  Gabriel raised his eyebrows in surprise and replied, ‘Hell Pete, you still seem pretty angry and if I were you, I’d hold onto that for a little while. I think you have every right.’

  51

  At least kiss me before…

  It was the period of quiet, Friday-afternoon calm before the US non-farm payroll data storm in the evening, so Pete was watching the markets do nothing. He stood up and surveyed the floor. Normally, most of the staff would have already gone home, but it was bonus notification day and everyone was staying back; nervously awaiting their number and then leaving with either a smile or sullen look on their face.

  Nick tapped Pete on the shoulder. ‘OK Pete, you’re up.’ He gestured to Johnno. ‘Johnno, watch the books will yah?’

  Johnno nodded.

  ‘In one of the fish bowls?’ Pete asked.

  ‘Yep, follow me,’ Nick said and walked off the trading floor.

  Pete turned and followed Nick. He was both curious and nervous, wondering how Nick would handle the difficult situation of trying to keep Pete happy and working, but tell him he was not being promoted. May be he will give me a big bonus to soften the blow, Pete thought hopefully.

  Nick opened a door and motioned Pete inside, then closed the door and lowered his massive frame into the seat opposite a little more gingerly than usual.

  ‘You OK Nick?’ Pete asked, to start the conversation before he could become any more nervous.

  ‘I’m just tired. It’s been tougher than usual negotiating with Management over bonuses and promotions,’ Nick lamented. ‘So let’s get this over with. First your bonus. Pete there were a whole lot of considerations in coming up with your number. Your trading last year was very good and you significantly beat your budget. It was actually one of your best years with us. You also did a good job managing the desk while I was away.’ Nick paused and Pete’s hope began to sink.

  ‘But this whole incident with Derek has just not gone away. Other than during that crazy Australian employment number and the Swiss Franc de-peg, there’s always been a lingering concern among Sales about your pricing. And then there’s your constant clashes with Neil. You reaming him out twice in the one night in front of his team, and Whitey, definitely wasn’t appropriate. Even if he deserved it,’ Nick added before Pete could speak. ‘And that stunt running off with Chen in London certainly didn’t endear you to Terry. It didn’t look good, Pete. It all hurt your bonus, it hurt it really bad.’ Nick summoned up the courage to look Pete in the eye. ‘Pete, Management decided this year you needed to be sent a message and decided to give you only a two-month bonus.’

  Pete’s heart sank. Even in a bad year when he only modestly beat his budget, the bank had given him a three-month bonus. Today’s number confirmed the bank placed very little value on his efforts over the past year.

  Pete felt himself beginning to slip towards depression, his shoulders starting to slump, his mind telling him the number represented his value as a person, his heart beginning to feel crushed by the weight of the injustice. But then he decided to push back hard against these feelings and instead felt cold, steely defiance. ‘Wow Nick, you could
at least kiss me before you fuck me.’

  Nick looked shocked, then replied angrily, ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘Well you’re not going to promote me, are you?’ Pete challenged Nick.

  Nick was taken aback, but quickly regathered his thoughts. ‘Not this year, Pete. But if you stay on as a senior trader and keep helping out managing the trading desk the way you are for another year, I’m sure I can convince Management to promote you next year.’

  Pete let out a contemptuous snort. ‘Nick, I know you’re bringing in an outsider to be Head of Asian Trading. And, that pitiful bonus tells me two other things. One, you expected me to resign once I found out so you’re not wasting much money trying to keep me. And two, you haven’t found anyone yet, so you’re giving me just enough to try and keep me around until the bank pays its bonuses in a few months and when you hope to have found someone.’

  Nick looked away from Pete and hissed a series of expletives to describe Neil. He sighed and said, ‘How do you know?’

  ‘My mates in the market told me that you interviewed some traders from other banks while I was in London. You were even dumb enough to try and hire one of them,’ Pete said.

  ‘I’m sorry, Pete. I did everything I could to get you promoted and when I couldn’t, I sweet-talked Terry into offering you a job in London,’ Nick added.

  ‘So that dead-end job was your idea?’ Pete asked.

  ‘A prop-trading job in London is hardly a dead end. And you’re lucky you’re being offered a face-saving job. Hell, some people would consider it a step up,’ Nick replied indignantly.

  ‘So who was it that blocked my promotion?’ Pete demanded.

  ‘Whitey and Terry. Whitey said he didn’t like the combativeness you brought to the trading floor and you’re behaviour in London with Nigel reinforced Whitey’s view with Terry,’ Nick answered.

  Pete pursed his lips and exhaled. ‘So I guess that’s it then. I’m stuck where I am and will never be promoted.’

  ‘Pete, the job offer in London is still on the table and I think you should take it,’ Nick advised.

  Pete felt another spike of anger and was about to give Nick a blast, but then a calm came over him. The decision had been made. ‘No thanks, Nick. I already have other plans.’

  ‘What another bank? A hedge fund?’ he asked genuinely curious.

  ‘Let’s just say I’m going somewhere where there won’t be so much unrequited love,’ Pete said cryptically. ‘I was just waiting to see if I should hang around to collect my bonus, but it’s really not worth it. So I’m resigning today.’

  ‘Well whoever’s hiring you will have to wait six months to get you while you serve out your gardening leave1.’

  ‘Thanks for the long holiday. It’s the least you could do,’ Pete said sarcastically.

  Nick exhaled. ‘You really want to do this?’

  ‘Yes,’ Pete answered emphatically.

  ‘OK, I’ll call HR and tell them you’re on your way down. They’re a bit busy processing Derek, so you may have to wait a while.’

  Pete looked at Nick in shock.

  ‘It happened just before I called you in. Neil was forced to fire Derek. The women on the trading floor finally spoke up to HR about him. HR’s also having a hard look at Neil’s handling of the situation and he’s also likely to be fired. Guess that’s some sort of consolation for you.’

  Pete was surprised by his feelings. ‘You know, not really. But I’m happy for the girls on the floor.’

  Nick looked at Pete curiously. ‘Well I didn’t expect that reaction.’ And after a short pause he added, ‘Give me a sec while I call HR.’

  Pete nodded and Nick picked up his iPhone. While Nick was talking with HR, Pete stood up and looked out of the office onto the trading floor. He felt as though he was looking out of a window at a passing season of his life and began to wonder which season it was.

  Nick came up beside Pete. ‘Me and the guys are going to miss you Pete, even if the bank doesn’t think it will,’ he said sincerely.

  ‘Yeah, I’ll miss you guys too,’ Pete replied while still looking out the window and thinking of the camaraderie he will no longer be sharing.

  There was a short, awkward pause in their conversation. Pete broke the silence. ‘Well I guess that’s it then. I’ll head down to HR.’

  ‘Yeah, I’ll get Janet to box up your personals and send them down. I’m sorry I can’t let you back out onto the trading floor to say goodbye, but it would be a breach of compliance. But give me your personal mobile number and I’ll contact you to arrange farewell drinks,’ Nick said while opening his iPhone.

  Pete rattled off his number and Nick entered it into his contacts. ‘I guess I’d better get used to using my personal mobile all the time now. I usually carry it only weekends and holidays,’ Pete said.

  Nick sighed and nodded. ‘I am really sorry things ended this way Pete.’

  ‘Well, I guess it’s all for the best anyway,’ Pete replied.

  ‘How do you figure that?’

  A wistful smile fell upon Pete’s face. ‘Working here depressed me.’

  It was the ending of winter.

  52

  Stepping out of the shadows

  On the ground floor Pete walked towards the security turnstiles and reflexively reached into his pocket for his work pass. How am I going to get out? he asked himself.

  A security guard waved Pete through, using his own card to swipe Pete out. Guess they’re always waiting for people with boxes under their arms, Pete said to himself. He smiled at the guard and said, ‘Thanks.’

  Pete looked out at the cab queue; it was long, being a Friday afternoon, and a shift change, so cab drivers were cherry-picking passengers to get a fare that would bring them close to where they changed drivers for the second shift of the day or not picking up passengers at all.

  Pete reached into his pocket. Crap! No phone to call a cab. Guess I’ll just have to queue with everyone else. It’s not as if I’m in a hurry anyway, he reasoned.

  As Pete stood in the queue holding his box, some people gave him a sympathetic look, assuming the worst. He met the looks with a tight-lipped smile.

  After a fifteen-minute wait, Pete reached the front of the queue. A cab pulled up and the driver wound down the passenger-side window.

  Crap, he’s going to cherry pick, Pete thought to himself.

  ‘Where you going?’ the cab driver asked in Singlish.

  ‘Orchard,’ Pete replied.

  ‘OK,’ the cab driver said, waving Pete into the cab, then noticed the box under his arm and asked, ‘Eh, you just get fired? You got money for a cab?’

  Still standing outside the cab, Pete smiled arrogantly at the cab driver, but then realised he had only a few dollars in cash, an MRT card and his house keys. The bank had just taken back his corporate credit card and his personal card was at home. Pete smiled sheepishly.

  ‘So you got money or not? There’s a lot of people waiting.’

  Their exchange had attracted the attention of the people in the queue, who were growing increasingly impatient. Pete shook his head and stepped away from the cab. The woman next in line pushed past him and started speaking to the cab driver. Both parties soon reached an agreement and after giving Pete a contemptuous look, she stepped into the cab.

  ‘Guess I’ll take the MRT,’ Pete quietly said to himself as he turned and started to walk back past the cab queue.

  Pete felt the Monster’s leer in the pitying looks from the people in the line. You just quit the only thing you had going for you and you couldn’t even succeed at that. So, no wonder you gave up and became the same old loser you were before you started all of this God and therapy crap. Except now, you don’t have a job or even enough money for a cab ride home, the Monster whispered. You should just give up on everything. I don’t care how you do it, climb under some proverbial rock and do nothing the rest of your life and slowly die, or save us both the wait and just end it now. Either way, you’re amo
unting to nothing, like I always knew you would, it continued.

  Pete suddenly felt weak and moved back inside the office building to find somewhere to sit down. He found a quiet area that ran along the bottom of an escalator runway, edged with planters. Pete sat on a planter and put the box down next to him. He closed his eyes and began focusing on his breathing.

  No safety net, Pete thought to himself as he took in a breath. Several visions of himself over the past year flashed through his mind. Pete saw himself playing his guitar and singing to Bobby and Liz, hugging Bobby while dressed as the Joker after being pelted with water balloons, and being a brave trader and leader. He then settled on a picture of himself right then and there. Pete said quietly to himself, You deserve to find peace, love and happiness.

  The Monster was waiting patiently for its moment.

  Pete then scrolled through several visions of Liz and Bobby. He saw himself running alongside Bobby riding his bike, then embracing Liz as they kissed. Pete reached into the future and saw himself running alongside an older Bobby and he and Liz cradling another baby. He pictured them both waiting at home for him now and said lovingly to them, You deserve to find peace, love and happiness. Pete felt tears gather in his eyes.

  The Monster’s force was undiminished.

  Pete pictured the security guard at the turnstiles. He thought about how, just like Pete, he had hopes and dreams for himself and his family and how he just wanted to be happy. Pete said kindly to him, You deserve to find peace, love and happiness.

  Pete drew in a long breath and let it out slowly as he pictured Neil. He thought about how Neil had screwed him over and how he was soon going to be in the same situation as Pete. Strangely, instead of feeling satisfaction, he felt empathy toward Neil and said to him, You deserve to find peace, love and…happiness.

  There was a sudden quiet in Pete’s mind. He addressed the Monster compassionately. I know who you are now. And I’m sorry, but I can’t ever let you be in charge again. Your happiness is attached to external things that are temporary. It makes us vulnerable.