Pete visualised himself stepping forward to shake the Monster’s hand, and as it stepped out of the shadows to meet him, revealing itself, he visualised a taller, more handsome, more perfect version of himself. It was how Pete’s ego wanted him to be. The Monster humbly and gladly shook Pete’s hand.
Part V
Soaring
53
Looking inside yourself
Pete came out of Somerset MRT station and began his walk through Emerald Hill. The bars at the bottom of the hill were only just starting to fill up with the Friday night crowd, and as the din of the revellers faded, Pete began his ritual of counting his steps.
As he had done many times before, Pete allowed his thoughts to drift and each time a thought came into his head, he would acknowledge it and then gently bring his mind back to his footsteps. But as Pete reached the top of the climb and turned left onto Hullet Road, he saw something spectacular.
The red-brick road was carpeted with yellow flowers. While the angsana trees of Emerald Hill were just doing what they had evolved to do after a rain – bloom for a day and then drop their flowers the next – Pete could not help but joyfully wonder whether something or someone had set a fitting scene for his final walk back from work.
He began walking along the yellow carpet and his mind became stuck on the thoughts of recent events in his life and his uncertain future. But the feelings surrounding these thoughts were different from those he had experienced only half an hour earlier. They were hopeful rather than hopeless.
At that moment, a breeze coaxed a yellow flower out of the branches above Pete and it fell gently onto his head. He stopped and plucked the flower from his hair, and looked at it, smiling for a while, and then looked up, closed his eyes and let nature in, as another breeze nudged more flowers out of the angsana tree. The flowers fell onto Pete’s face, shoulders and arms. And then it happened, Pete had his epiphany.
Mistakes are made and contests are lost and won. But it is our thoughts that frame how we see these contests. You do not need someone else to tell you how you are doing. You need only to look inside yourself and listen carefully, and someone will whisper that you are doing just fine.
54
Homecomings
Pete walked in the door with his box under one arm. Liz and Bobby were playing with magnetic tiles on the living-room floor and they both looked up at Pete. Liz noticed the box under Pete’s arm and a look of concern fell across her face.
‘Pete, they didn’t…,’ she began to ask, but decided to be careful of her words in front of Robert.
‘No, I quit,’ Pete answered.
‘It’s about time,’ Liz said with an admiring smile and then got up to walk across the living-room to give Pete a hug. He put his box down on the counter near the door and welcomed her embrace. After a few moments, Liz asked, ‘Are you OK?’
‘When I left the building and realised that it was all over, I was a bit messed up. But I’m OK now.’
‘Why’s that?’ Liz asked.
Pete looked at the floor and then back up at Liz. ‘Because I know I’m really better off without them,’ he replied.
Liz gave Pete a knowing smile and she reached out to give him another hug.
Bobby looked up at his parents. ‘How about a family hug?’ he asked with enthusiasm and ran towards them. Pete bent down and picked Bobby up so that they could all embrace.
Bobby saw his father’s box on the counter. ‘Daddy, what’s in the box?’ he asked.
‘That’s just some stuff Daddy had to bring home from work.’
‘Does that mean you’re going to do some work now?’ Bobby asked, a little crestfallen.
‘No Bobby, Daddy’s not going to do any work now or for a long time,’ Pete announced.
‘Good. Because I miss you when you’re at work,’ Bobby said, smiling.
‘I miss you too, Bobby.’ Pete gave the little boy a kiss on the cheek.
‘Daddy?’
‘Yes Bobby.’
‘Since you’re not going to work for a long time, are we going on a holiday?’
Pete smiled at Bobby and then looked at Liz, who shrugged. ‘Well Bobby, I don’t really know. I guess we’ll hang around Singapore until the school term’s finished and then…why don’t we go and stay with Nana and Pop and Uncle Tom for a while?’
Bobby gave Pete his biggest cheeky smile and said, ‘Can I drive the harvester?’
Pete and Liz both chuckled and Pete replied, ‘Hmmm, I’ll tell you what, Bobby. How about I teach you how to drive it first?’
‘But Uncle Tom told me I already drive it better than you,’ Bobby said.
55
Courage
Gabriel sat quietly listening as Pete recounted the events of the past week. During the retelling, Pete was highly animated, as if he was somehow lighter in body and spirit.
‘I have to say, I’m a little hurt,’ Gabriel said with a deadpan expression on his face.
Pete looked at Gabriel, puzzled, and asked, ‘Why’s that?’
‘You didn’t call me during any of that,’ Gabriel replied, feigning offence.
Pete chuckled. ‘So does that mean I don’t need you anymore?’ he asked.
‘Maybe not,’ Gabriel replied and after a short pause asked more seriously, ‘So is everything all right?’
Pete took in a breath and let it out slowly. ‘I think I’ve faced down my Monster and come out stronger for it. And now that I have, I think I know how to deal with it.’
‘You sound pretty confident,’ Gabriel observed cautiously.
‘And why shouldn’t I be?’ Pete asked, feeling mildly insulted.
‘It’s just that you’ve said before that the Monster has evolved with you your whole life. What makes you think that you can stay on top of it now?’ Gabriel probed.
‘I guess I’ve learned to treat the Monster more as a teacher than an adversary.’
‘And what has it taught you?’
‘That sometimes life just doesn’t work out, but that’s OK because there will always be something good about it. And the Monster’s there to remind me to look a little harder for that good,’ Pete answered thoughtfully.
‘Sounds like a good lesson. So, you’ve quit your job and don’t have any plan or goal for your future. Is this a first for you?’ he queried.
‘Yes, it is,’ Pete answered.
Gabriel smiled and asked, ‘So, how does that make you feel?’
Then, to his own surprise, without any irritation, Pete said, ‘Scared and excited.’
Gabriel allowed those words to hang in the air for a moment before saying, ‘Any regrets?’
‘None so far,’ Pete responded.
‘So, do you think you’ll have them?’ Gabriel inquired.
‘Probably,’ Pete replied casually. ‘But for now, I’m happy to just think about nothing and take it easy for a while.’
‘How do you think you’ll handle those regrets when they come up?’ Gabriel probed further.
Pete sighed. ‘Wow, you’re not going to let up on this, are you, Gabriel? Can’t I just enjoy thinking and doing nothing for a little while? Hell, you’ve been trying to get me to do that by meditating, right?’ Pete said a little testily.
‘Meditation can also be contemplative. And you should prepare yourself for when those regrets come,’ Gabriel responded.
Pete thought for a while before answering. ‘Well, I guess I’ll remind myself of why I quit and try not to look back on my job through rose-coloured glasses.’ Pete smiled and added, ‘But not cracked ones either,’ as he thought back to Gabriel’s initial description of how cognitive behavioural mindfulness therapy is used to treat depression.
‘So why did you quit your job?’ Gabriel asked.
‘I guess I’ve realised that I was unhappy and that my job was a large part of that unhappiness and I finally got up the courage to admit that and try to be happy.’
Gabriel looked musingly at Pete and inquired, ‘Why should that require courage?�
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Pete chuckled. ‘That’s a good question. I should want to be happy right, so why should that require courage?’ He thought for a few moments. ‘Because I realised in this past week that I have to learn to take responsibility for my own feelings, no matter where I am or what I’m doing. And that’s hard because I could always say to myself, “I’m a depressive and that’s just the way I am and I should accept that.” The harder thing to do is to choose to not live by that label and that choice requires courage.’
‘And where does that courage come from?’ Gabriel asked earnestly.
Pete smiled. ‘Something inside of me,’ he said pointing to his chest, ‘maybe a soul or God, but it’s inside of me and not anywhere else.’
Gabriel raised an eyebrow. ‘So, you believe in God now?’
‘Yes, yes, I do,’ Pete answered thoughtfully.
‘And why’s that?’ Gabriel asked.
‘Because the tiles on my balcony aren’t slippery, even when they’re wet,’ Pete answered, only half-joking.
There was a short pause as they both quietly pondered how their journey together had begun. Pete then looked over at the small desk clock and noticed that he and Gabriel’s hour together had become significantly longer. He smiled thoughtfully and said, ‘I guess that’s it then,’ and stood up to offer his hand for Gabriel to shake. ‘I really appreciate all that you’ve done for me, Gabriel.’
Gabriel smiled and stood up to shake Pete’s hand, and as he did, he offered Pete one last piece of homework. ‘May I ask you to do something that could help you think through what your next purpose will be?’
Pete smiled and remarked, ‘Still giving me homework, hey, Gabriel? OK, let’s have it.’
‘Write a letter to Bobby telling him about your depression and your experience with it. It’s not to give to him right away, but sometime in the future when you think he’s ready. You may not ever give him the letter, but choose to talk to him about it instead. Either way, if you can get your priorities and feelings straight for him, you’re probably going to be able to do it for yourself.’
Pete smiled and nodded. ‘I think that’s the best homework you’ve ever given me, Gabriel,’ he said earnestly. ‘Sorry, a handshake’s not going to do it. Give me a hug,’ he said, smiling tearfully.
56
Letter to Bobby
Dear Bobby,
For as long as I can remember, there have been times in my life when I’ve felt hopeless and that no one around me loves or cares about me. This is more than just being sad, it’s called depression.
Depression used to pollute every part of my life and rob me of simple pleasures such as enjoying one of your smiles or a beautiful sunrise. It also jeopardised my most treasured relationships, because when I was depressed, I overreacted to small things and appeared irrational and sometimes mean. I’m sorry for the times when this happened with you.
It wasn’t until I was nearly forty that I sought help for my depression, because by then it had taken over my life. I had even tried to end my life. I was put on antidepressants and I started cognitive mindfulness behavioural therapy. It was the first time in my life that I began fighting something that I had previously accepted as simply part of me – my ‘genetic personality’. I even used to call it my Monster.
During my struggle, the relationship I had with my depression evolved and it is now a reminder for me to focus on what’s important in my life, rather than a Monster. Antidepressants were only a temporary fix; the real remedy for my depression was making myself a better and more caring person and probably becoming my true self. The hardest thing I had to learn to do was to take responsibility for my own feelings and not let events or other people determine my self worth.
I’m not completely free from depression, and every day I do things to manage it. That’s why I’m careful with what I eat and make sure that I get enough sleep and exercise. I meditate every day to destress and reflect on how I’m a small part of something bigger and better than myself – life.
I also keep a journal and write in it every day. I write what I’m thankful for as well as my hopes and dreams for our family.
If you ever experience depression, and I pray you never do, I want you to remember what you once told me when you saw that I was sad: ‘That you and Mummy and God love me no matter what.’ Your mother and I do love you no matter what and you are always worthy of God’s love. And never feel ashamed of your depression.
Most importantly, remember that you are not alone. Your mother and I can help you. I would understand what you’re going through and could guide you, so that together, we could defeat the Monster.
Love,
Daddy.
Epilogue
Pete was sitting in the harvester bringing in the farm’s first harvest of sorghum. Tom and Robert Senior had agreed to start double cropping. They also had eager buyers as a dry spell had left graziers without feed for their stock. Helping good people out, Pete thought.
Many other farmers in the area asked the Clarkes why they had changed their cropping methods and were wondering if they should move in the same direction. Pete had set up a local grain guild to discuss what to plant, whether to go organic and, of course, how to manage exchange-rate risk.
Being a farmer had become much more to Pete than growing crops. It was about growing a family and a community. People in the town were even encouraging Pete to run for parliament.
For now, Pete was content to keep working the farm and writing songs to sing to his children every night. He had so many songs that Liz was trying to convince him to record an album.
Robert Senior was taking supplements, eating more greens and had even started therapy in town. To Pete and Tom’s surprise the three of them had begun swapping stories about their depression. Sometimes these sessions were moments of great sorrow, but sharing the burden made things easier for everyone. At other times, they held great laughter.
Pete leant out of the harvester door and whistled loudly. Gabe, his labrador, poked his head up and ran around the back of the harvester. Pete smirked and thought of Gabriel, whom he regularly talked to on the phone, as a friend. He had discovered that Gabriel was a fourth dan in judo and would have dropped Pete like a bad habit if he had ever tried to hit him.
That thought made Pete’s smirk broaden to a smile as he looked out over the horizon and continued to carve out columns of harvested grained along the field. He listened to the sound the sorghum made as it was being cut by the harvester, a gentler whooshing sound than wheat, almost like a gentle rain falling on a tin roof.
Then Pete had the feeling again. It was a feeling of complete happiness. There were still days when depression would come knocking at his mind’s door, but Pete had learned that he had the power to keep that door closed. So, depression was no longer the Monster to Pete that it used to be, but now a valuable reminder that he should be doing something he believed in for at least some part of each day. Today it was bringing in the family’s first crop of sorghum; tomorrow it could be playing football with Bobby or even dealing with Patricia’s latest nightmare in a nappy; and the next day it could be making love to his wife. Pete had learned that life was never perfect, but that there was always some part of it that was.
‘Hi Gabriel, my name’s Roger.’
‘Hello Roger. What can I do for you?’
‘My friend Pete thought you could help me.’
Afterword
Firstly, thank you very much for reading my book and I hope I have helped you or somebody you love. My only qualification to give advice on dealing with depression is having been a depressed person myself. I am not professionally qualified in any way to treat depression.
I started out like Pete – an apostate wedded to logic. My search for a cure to my depression (I believe everyone’s is different) spanned science and philosophy and in many cases intermingling of the two. So, Learning to Fly contains several approaches to dealing with depression and, depending on who you are, some may or may not appeal to you
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The first approach appealed to my logic and came from my therapy sessions as well as the book, Feeling Good – The New Mood Therapy, by David D. Burns MD. It is a great insight into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
I found out via gene testing that I have a MTHFR gene mutation (yes, you are allowed to see the humour in the acronym) as well as some other genes that reduce my body’s absorption of folate and vitamin B12; deficiencies of which have been linked to depression. So I take supplements to help get enough folate and vitamin B12 into my body and eat my leafy-green vegetables. I also stopped setting off frequent sugar and caffeine bombs in my brain. The medical community is divided on caffeine’s effect on depression, with research pointing to it both reducing and increasing the incidence of depression depending on the circumstances.
As for alcohol, it can make your symptoms worse, adversely interact with your antidepressants and reduce your absorption of folate. For myself, a glass of wine every now and then doesn’t impact my mood, but any more than that and I have more than a hangover the next day – I feel depressed.
I already exercised a lot, but I had to learn not to overdo it and to get enough sleep. Getting a heart rate monitor helped with the former and cutting back on my screen time outside of work helped with the latter. Exercising outside in sunlight also helped.
But then came the most difficult part for me – spirituality. I was very surprised (and often frustrated) by the large role it played in my healing. Spirituality can mean different things to different people. For those brought up in the Western tradition, it usually refers to religion. So, part of Learning to Fly is dedicated to religion and Pete’s experiences in rediscovering God.
Learning to Fly: A story about overcoming depression Page 26