“No,” I refuse, and I really don’t care either. I’m so pissed at all of them that I want to kick everyone out.
“No? Why not?” He tries to hide the grin, amused by my temper.
“These were Solo’s and you can’t have them.” His eyes soften and my eyes well up again. Blinking back the pain, I hand him my smoke, “Here, we can share.” It’s not his fault that Pawn is a piece of shit and Solo isn’t here.
“There she is,” he takes the cigarette from my hand. “I am going to have to limit your time with the bitches in there. I thought I lost you, Little -T.”
“Shut up, Big T, you’re a pain in my fucking ass. That was bullshit in there and you know it.” Even though I am pissed at them, I know Tank would never hurt me on purpose.
Tank’s big, boisterous laugh fills the air before he takes a drag and blows out smoke circles. “Tami, he needed to be here. I know it hurts you and you have every right to feel angry. But baby T needs his dad. Pawn needed to see what he was missing. I am sorry it caused you any additional pain.”
“Well, his dad can go suck a big d.” This time we both laugh. “I know that Cash deserves to have his dad here. That’s why I didn’t run when I saw him, but really Tank, that man deserves shit from me.” Because I tried to give him me and he threw me away every single time.
“What if he doesn’t stick around for Cash?” I fume and puff away my frustrations. Tank lets me rant and say everything between drags to get the energy that has consumed my body out. He supports me and tells me that everything will be okay. I’ll believe it when I see it.
Together, we finish the smoke and I find the courage to face the man who tore my heart out and left me; when we promised to never leave each other no matter what.
Pawn
Tami comes back inside with Tank right behind her. She appears to be more relaxed. I know because I watched her like a hawk from my spot in the kitchen. When she lit that smoke, I was shocked that she did that. Her hands flung in every direction in the air and he nodded along. Whatever Tank said to her, he helped her, and that’s all I care about.
I keep my distance and try to help or play with Cash whenever needed. I stick to the other room and talk with the brothers avoiding any other confrontations with her. Cash yawns and curls up on the floor where he was playing with Blade’s, Axl’s, and Tank’s kids. Scooping him up, he snuggles into my chest and sticks his thumb into his mouth.
My hand rubs his back and the surroundings fade as I rock him in my arms and smell him. Memorizing the feel of his weight and thankful that they made me come here for this today. Even though it was hard on Tami, I needed him more than my stubborn ass had realized. The longer I stayed away, the less likely I was ever coming back, and they knew it.
When I turn my body, I catch her reflection like a halo in the window watching from behind me. She holds a toy to her chest for a moment and then hurries out of the room. I hold onto Cash and know that deep down in my bones I could never hurt him, ever. I will find a way to be a better father than I have been up to this point.
Wandering through the hallway, I find his room. After I lay him in his tiny crib, I remove his shoes and cover him with a blanket. Turning around, I see photos of me. Stunned, I stop in my tracks and the night light casts a glow across the frames. Some are of me and Solo together. Shit, that hurts.
I hang my head with my hands on my hips and break at the sight. The pictures undo any brave exterior I had left in me for today. I am suffocating in the small space and the place he lived in before he died. I jet out of the house as fast as possible.
It’s time to get faded.
Chapter 14
Tami
Last night was one of the worst nights of my life and now I truly know what it is like to be a parent. Let me tell you how bittersweet reality really fucking is. To cope, I wrote a lot into the very early morning and poured my heart out into my book, Hiding Our Hearts.
It is about the three of us. I tell the story of how we found one another but in different circumstances and different places. Except in my book Solo leaves me, he doesn’t die, because I would rather have it that way. It all feels the same.
My mind reals over the words of heartbreak and the betrayal I wrote. Pawn leaves me for another woman and I am left alone. I scream at them in the pages and my heart bleeds within the typed words.
How I wish this wasn’t true, but the reality is, it is true, and it’s the life I live. Cash doesn’t exist yet, because in my book he will be the strength I hope to find by the end of it. Can I find that happiness again?
I couldn’t get ahold of Vegas last night after the party and she is not answering her phone. I need a day before I go back to work. When I pull up to the clubhouse, I feel a little apprehensive to walk in, but it doesn’t stop me. I unbuckle Cash from the car seat and help him walk into the building holding onto one of his hands.
One of the prospects stops me at the door, “Hey Tami, who are you here to see?” He stands right in front of me, blocking me from the view of the common area next to the bar.
What I want to do is tell the little asshat to step out of my way. But I try for sweet even though my blood boils, a rage that seems to gain more momentum with every passing day. Taking a second, I loosen my muscles and sweetly respond, “Just looking for Blade or Vegas, excuse me.”
He tries to talk me out of it, but I am not having his shitty excuses. What is he hiding from me? I place my hand on his shoulder and step forward edging him out of my way, “Do you know where they are?” I pick up Cash and hold him on my hip as I power down the hallway and stop dead in my tracks at what I find.
My heart drops and I swear when it picks back up, it hammers so hard in my chest. I could die from the power behind it. Here, before my eyes, is Pawn passed out on the couch in only his boxers. Empty liquor and beer bottles litter the tables, along with a variety of drugs on top the coffee table.
Cash squeals at me to get down to explore and the naked slut startles awake, her full tits that were laying on top of Pawn on full display. She does have the decency to look ashamed and cover what she can with her arm. She scrambles around looking for her clothes and nudges Pawn awake.
“Crystal, baby, what are you looking for,” he mumbles, yawning, and sits up, grabbing a bottle of Jack and freezing when he sees me. He is holding the bottle in midair with his mouth hanging wide open.
“Welcome home, baby,” I spit and charge out the way I came in with a screaming baby in my arms. Those are my first words spoken to Pawn directly, and ones I will never forget. My temper is on full display as I rip the car door open. Cash fights me while I buckle him in and I’m close, so close, to losing my shit for good.
“Tami,” a deep voice calls from behind me and I jerk, smacking my head on the roof of the car. I hold my head and back out. “Son of a bitch.” I rub the pain away and turn around to see Snake behind me.
“What happened in there?” he asks, concerned, patiently waiting for me to respond to him.
“What happened in there?” I start to crumble, and the nice Tami facade starts to dwindle in the parking lot. “What hasn’t happened, Snake? The last ten months since Solo’s death has been an ever-loving nightmare. And that piece of shit never thought to come see us in the entire month he’s been out.” I gasp for air into my lungs while I finish my tirade. “Ask me how I know that information? It was causally brought up at my son’s birthday party last night, that he was forced to show up for!” My body shakes as the adrenaline spikes, “Here he is, drugged out of his mind, and hungover when I am supposed to go to work.” Cash screams and cries in the background, thrashing in his seat.
The sobs overtake my body and I can’t control myself. I lunge for Snake’s open arms. He wraps me up in a loving embrace and rocks me back and forth. My hands clutch his cut in my iron-tight grip, “What have I become?”
His hold grows tighter and one hand runs over my head as it falls forward to rest on his chest. The pain leaks out in the form of tears wetting his t-sh
irt. Selfishly, I take everything I can from Snake. I take it all because being selfish for once feels so fucking good.
Pawn
I quickly get my pants on and look for my boots, stuffing my feet into them. I go to grab my shirt, but the smell of the night after effect is so strong that I toss it to the couch.
Charging the doorway, I am stopped by Blade with his arms crossed over his chest, blocking me from the doorway. “Get your shit and get to my office.”
“I need to talk to Tami.”
“No.”
I open my mouth to say more, but his hands come up and he shoves me back. “You need a fucking shower to wash off that hangover and that bitch’s cum from your cock. She doesn’t need to see this shit from you. Get showered and get to my office now, asshole.” He stands firm, and the Prez waits for me to do as I am told.
Ducking my head, I take the warning and I turn around and walk to my room and look out the window. Tami holds onto Snake and he comforts her while I watch Cash wail from my view. My heart shatters. I am the piece of shit father I have always feared.
There isn’t a shower hot enough to wash away the fucked-up shit I did last night. There is no take-backs from getting loaded and fucking any whore I could get it up for. The night was more than bad, and I buried my pain in alcohol, drugs, and willing pussy.
After I’m showered and dressed in clean clothes, I face my biggest problem at the moment— Blade. Inside of the office stands the Prez, Axl, and Tank. They point to a seat in front of them and I slink into the chair.
The three of them have a stare that gleams of retribution. I have no doubt of what is about to come my way. I steel my nerves for the ass chewing about to be served and that I deserve.
Tank starts first, “Do you have a clue what it has been like for her to raise that boy alone since Solo died?”
“How the hell would I know that?” I snark back.
“Well, if you would have read her fucking letters, you would know. She came here looking for Vegas because she has a shift to work tonight. Were you planning on going to see if you could help watch the kid so she could get back to some normalcy?”
I can’t even respond because who knows what I was going to do today. Probably get loaded and continue the party. When I don’t answer, they know exactly what I was planning on doing tonight. A remake of the night before.
“Didn’t fucking think so,” Axl snarls. “She loves that boy like she carried him. Tami gives him a home to live in feeling protected. Why? Because of you, Pawn, you ignorant motherfucker. She does it because that woman has a heart.”
Tank throws up his hands, “Pawn, we got you out six months earlier for Cash’s birthday. We wanted to have you there for him. You keep pissing away shit, that is what you are going to end up with, a mountain of shit.”
The Prez nails my coffin shut, “Choose, Pawn, because it is either Cash or the drugs. I will ship your ass off to Elko or Las Vegas if you choose drugs. Tami already chose us as a family, and we claimed her the day Solo stopped breathing. Until a man can convince the three of us his worth, she belongs to us, her brothers. You feel me?”
I don’t say a word but take my ass chewing. I am left behind alone, sitting in the office with the guilt and consequences of my addiction, drugs and looking out for me and what feels good. I take it all because being selfish for once feels so wrong.
Chapter 15
Pawn
Tami has kept clear of me and a whole month has passed. I can’t blame her for it. Tank gave me an update the next day, after she found me with a slut, that we would share Cash. She came up with a schedule that Tank passed along to me of the days that I am supposed to have him. He drilled into my head that when I pick him up from Emilia’s or Tami’s house, if I am not sober, he has ordered Cuervo to throw his machete into my chest. Every time, I have been a hundred percent sober, but I am slowly slipping.
The crazy bitches or Ol’ Ladies have promised a mysterious death if I let any of the club sluts around the little man. They’ve kept me on an active watch. I’m not even kidding, if the club girls see me walk in with Cash, they sprint out of the room and always one of the Ol’ Ladies is at the clubhouse. Today, it is Jenn sitting at the bar.
She’s earned her respect with the club girls and they are scared to death to cross her after she almost slit Feather’s throat in front of them all. She’s become the boss bitch. If one of the girls get out of line, they send Jenn in.
My mom has rearranged her life to help teach me to take care of Cash. The days that I do pick him up from Tami’s, she is there and Tami is nowhere to be seen. I’ve avoided the bar at all cost, and she has the club. An unspoken understanding of ground rules has been laid out for us and where our territories are.
On the days that I don’t have Cash, there has been an endless stream of drugs and pussy. I can’t bury the pain away. Tami is in the core of me, craving to shed her free from the confines of the darkest place I could hide her. When I have Cash, he helps me to feel connected to her. Every day, I fall in love with the idea of being a dad. The two worlds go to war trying to win first place in my life. And fuck if I can’t decide which I crave more. Each day I battle to not go to her and take them both with me. My fuckin’ pride tells me that I destroyed any love that there was that Tami had for me. Isn’t that what I wanted, to move on without her?
I underestimated her strength. The irony of it all, she is stronger than I will ever be. Instead of using my words to tell her how broken I was, I punished her to make her understand. Except, now I wish I could take it all back. I wish I would have written her back and had faith in my club to protect her; swallowed my pride and been her friend when I promised her I would.
I should have showed her support when she was doing that for me and my son, when she had no reason to. Cash runs around the backyard at the clubhouse with the toys lined up. Back here, it’s like a daddy daycare for bikers. That thought is hilarious to see how far we have come.
Cash and I have bonded this last month. Having learned his habits and schedule, I feel comfortable taking him on my own now. Jenn plops down on the picnic table next me. “You’re slipping, you see that, right?”
Even though I want to deny it and ignore her, I know exactly what she’s talking about. The fine line that all people walk with addiction problems. You try a little more or at times when you know you shouldn’t, but fuck it, you do it anyway.
“Yeah, Jenn, I see it.” I grit my teeth because the last thing I want to do is piss her off.
“Pawn, you got to get out of staying in the club and get help. Find your own house and stop using.”
Her words piss me off and I can’t help but bite back, “Because you’re so fucking great, right, Jenn? The poster kid of sobriety.”
She laughs out loud at my outburst, “Yeah, you’re on edge. I bet all you can think about right now is sneaking a few hits of that bong, or tossing back that whiskey, letting it burn your throat and coat the thoughts of how worthless you really are.”
“And your fucking point, Jenn?”
“I still have those thoughts every day, except I love pills and vodka. Sounds like a great time to get fazed and make the world a hazy reality instead of the brutal truth. You are a drunk and a pot head. You love the drugs more than you love yourself, because the drugs are easy. Life is ugly, messy, hard, and tragic.” Jenn turns to look me dead in the eyes, “But I learned that I am more than the bottom of a bottle. Life, as jaded as it can be, is amazing when you get through the hard shit and worth every day to be sober. Saint and my girls are worth it. I’m dead inside when I do the drugs.”
I confess to Jenn what I haven’t said to anyone, “I was counting on Solo being alive so I could still be the fuckup I wanted to be. It makes me feel like shit that I was pissed he left me to take care of my own shit.” That’s the raw truth of it all. I do miss my friend, but that is part of the reason I feel the guilt for those nasty thoughts.
“Truth is ugly. You have to let it go. You are
human, Pawn, not perfect. Forgive yourself and stop hiding behind your dad for the excuse to be a piece of shit too.”
My head snaps back surprised that she knows about him. “Your mom,” she explains. “We’ve gotten close.” She shrugs. “Get your life structured. Get a job and a house to keep you busy. And I mean a real job. Then when you are ready, ask for forgiveness from the people you have wronged and let the past go.” She stands from the table, “I will hurt you if you hurt that boy. I am his aunt, and no asshole will fuck up his perfect childhood.” She raises her eyebrow and tilts her head slightly before drifting back inside.
Fucking-A, I can’t complain about that one bit. I shoot a text off to my mom and ask her to help me find a house for me and Cash. Maybe one day I can get her to move in. It’s a start, anyway.
Chapter 16
Tami
I was grateful for the peace the last couple of months has brought. It gave me time to write in my book. The hard part of that is, I thought about Pawn and those feelings we shared. I thought the time apart would grow some distance between us, it did not. It felt like we picked up right where we left off. After I realized that, the guilt set in. I cared for Solo, so how can the world be so unfair and give me a puzzle to solve?
Except today, I can’t think about those things because I promised myself, I would do this today. Cash is gone with his dad and I stand in front of the closet full of memories. I brought a stack of boxes to pack away Solo’s things. I wanted to do this alone because I wanted my privacy to cry and mourn the loss. What if I don’t go through with it? I didn’t want anyone to see.
I think through my options and how to start. Giving myself some direction will help me if I think of it as a task. One box, I decided, will be for donation, another to save, and one more to toss. I start with the dresser and toss out his socks and underwear, then his pants. Once they are all boxed up, a stark realization hits me that he mostly had clothes here because he moved into my life. We didn’t even have time to buy furniture together.
Loving You Forever (Battle Born MC Book 7) Page 8