With each article of clothing, I take my time and hold on to the memories before I say goodbye to each one. The pain is still there, just not as crippling as it has been before. I pick up the clothes from the closet floor that I threw around a few months back, and the wave of emotions come with. I toss the whole handful in a box. Dropping them like poison.
The dryer buzzer goes off and I pull out the new sheets and blankets inside. Stripping off our old bedding is like ripping stitches away from a wound. I start to bleed and the agony creeps in. I sob and lose it. My emotions are pulling me into the deep end of loneliness. The feeling leaves me bare and raw. I pull the warm blankets around me and fall into a heap on the bed, curling into a ball, trying to wrap myself up and hide from the exposure. I’m not sure how long I lay here like this, but eventually exhaustion pulls me under.
“Tami,” a voice pulls me from my sleep. My swollen eyes start to open. The salt leftover stings, and I rub my eyes before I can focus on Pawn’s face standing above me. Not today, I think. I can’t fight with him today. “Are you okay?”
“Yes,” I croak and untangle myself from the blankets and rub the sleep away. Nervous to have him in here, I walk into my bathroom, hoping that he will be gone by the time I am back. I splash cold water onto my face and straighten before walking back into my room. Pawn still stands there looking around with an ashen face.
“You were cleaning out your room today?”
“I needed to get it done, yes.” I’m unsure of what to tell him. I feel so lost in this world and having him here alone, makes me even more unsure. Why would he care anyway?
“Cash is asleep in his bed. Let me help you do this.” He pleads with me. I start to shake my head no before he stops me, “Let me do this for you, angel.”
I swallow the knot in my throat and concede to let him help me. Any other day, there would be more fight, but I can’t today. “Can you take those boxes to your truck?” There isn’t many so he is back rather quickly, and he helps me bag the bedding in large trash bags. “Take this to be thrown away.”
We get to some of his t-shirts and flannels that I didn’t toss before. I can’t bear to part with them. Unlike the others, these are untouched. I stall and look over them in the closet, hanging there with his sweatshirts. I loved wearing them all the time when we were home and even when we went out. Pawn’s hand lands gently on my shoulder.
“Keep your favorites in a drawer and then pack the rest. We’ll leave some packed away in the closet. Will that work?”
My hand finds his and I squeeze it. “Yes,” I rasp through the tear that falls. One by one, we take the clothes down and lay them on the bed. We start telling a story with each shirt and take turns. Some I laugh, and some I cry, but together he helps me move past the biggest hurdle, removing Solo from the house, the way he left it.
“Why did you decide to do this today?” he asks, sitting next to me on the bed.
“He died one year ago tomorrow. I wanted to make it. I wanted to be able to tell him that I’m doing better. I did it for me.” Closing my eyes, I breathe through the crushing pain of feeling alone and untouched for a year. I had it good for a while. I miss Solo, my friend, the man who protected and cared for me.
Pawn’s hand lightly touches my face and turns me to face him. He wipes the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs. With our faces close, he leans in and places a single kiss to my forehead. The action so soft, I slowly drift my eyes open to find unshed tears looking back at me.
Tiny wrinkles have etched into the corner of his eyes. Pawn has aged just enough to be seen. My hands come up to his face and I feel the roughness under my touch that I missed so much. Running my fingertips over the lines, the smallest of touches so intimate and comforting. It is real. My blood pressure picks up as his mouth slightly opens.
“I’m sorry I was such an asshole, Tami. I missed you.” The emotion behind his words is killing me when a single tear does fall. “I couldn’t talk to you when I was gone because I couldn’t survive not having you.” His confession tears at me to break free from the chains of my guilt and pull him closer.
My body craves the connection, like a need deep in my bones, to be with him. Before I know what is happening, I give, and pull him into me. Softly and slowly I touch my lips to his. Warm, gentle, and inviting, I go back for another one and then lose control of myself.
My fist grips his shirt and holds on tight. Pawn’s hands hold my head in place not willing to let me go. My leg swings over and I sit on top of his lap. “I felt so guilty for needing you this whole time, for missing you every day you were gone. Pawn, I mourned us, and that guilt has ruined me.” Finally, I free the truth I didn’t want to believe myself or admit.
Pawn’s arms snake around me, holding my body to his. My hips grind down on his hardening dick, feeling it through my leggings. “We both have our wounds that need to heal.” Pawn confesses, bringing me closer and our faces together. Our tongues collide and the air is shared between us as it’s ignited with a fierce passion and lust circles our bodies.
My hands roam to his hair and I start to explore him like I never have before, with abandon. He tugs at my shirt and rips it over my head and then removes my bra. I gasp when his rough hands caress my tits.
Quickly, he has us flipped and is pulling my pants away from my body and, just as fast, I help to remove his pants when he tugs his shirt off. My hand runs over the angel tattoo over his chest, not remembering it being there the time we were naked together before.
“For you.” He brings my fingers to his mouth before kissing them. Pawn drops down on top of my body, warming me in a way that I haven’t felt in a long time, since him. I welcome Pawn and his comfort. I want it all.
He kisses and licks my skin, all the way down my body before he reaches my pussy. Pawn pushes my legs wide and dives in with a hunger as he starts to lick my clit. My body shakes from the sensations I haven’t felt in so long and I allow them to consume me, to fly me away.
My body contracts and I come around Pawn within minutes. I eagerly pull him up to my body. His lips slam down on mine and we nip at each other. Pawn’s steel cock slides through my folds when I wrap my legs around him and guide him into my body.
I burn him into my soul, a connection so strong it is all-consuming. Pawn thrusts slowly, groaning into each thrust. We become the lovers we always wanted and were meant to be. It chokes me up, but I can’t stop.
He thrusts harder, bringing me to ecstasy, and making me see the possibilities of love that I thought I never would. My hands scratch at his skin, my need to claim him coming alive and igniting a possession I have never felt.
Pawn groans again when I dig my nails into his skin, wishing I could make him bleed for me. “Yes, angel,” he rasps into my ear. “Fucking hurt me, give it to me, give me all of you.” He unleashes years of pent up feelings into every thrust and comes cradling me into his body.
Pawn doesn’t move far, just enough to tuck me into his body, and I fall asleep feeling protected and cherished in the arms of another man and I can’t seem to care. For the first time since Solo died, I feel alive.
Chapter 17
Pawn
The gut-wrenching dream wakes me from my deep coma-like sleep. I didn’t plan on wrapping my body around hers so tight that I would fall under her spell and stay the night. However, my body had other plans. After taking what I wanted for so damn long, I could never let go of her. For once, I wasn’t afraid, until now.
My arm tightens around her body and I take a long inhale of her hair. Tami’s back is snuggled in tight to my front and her head rests on my bicep. But the pain lingers from the dream as I wake.
The early morning rays haven’t even broken through the sky yet and I start to spiral downhill. I dreamed of the day Solo came to me and he asked me to take care of her if he ever couldn’t. The thoughts take me back in time. When I was up at the mine and waiting for my sentence. I think back over his words our last words before I went to prison.
&nbs
p; “A big part of me lately feels that we were only meant for a short time.” Solo turns to me, “I will always love her and protect her no matter what. Will you do the same? If something happens to you or me, she belongs to us, always and forever.”
This time his words and confession make me turn to him, “Solo, we will always be brothers. But Tami will be the force that tears us apart. What that means when I’m out of prison, I don’t know yet. She is buried in my soul. I will die for her.”
The raw and ugly anger comes forward and panic sets in. All the world comes crushing and tumbling around me at once. My mind a battlefield, where I am my own worst enemy. I know Solo was planning on leaving no matter what, that he felt it. At the time though, in his mind, he was leaving the MC as soon as I was out.
My chest shatters, the pain consuming my body. I can’t stay here another second. I need to clear my head. Slowly, I untangle myself from the bed and Tami. She doesn’t wake as I dress back into my clothes. Bending over, I kiss Tami on the forehead and her eyes pop open.
Her warm soft hand snakes out from the comforter and she sees the truth written on my face. That I am walking out the door. She runs a hand over my cheek. It’s almost as if she knew I would run. Tami takes her time running her hand over my skin.
Cash breaks the moment and begins to cry in the early morning. Needing the distraction, I swiftly walk to his room and pick him up from the toddler bed and hold him to my chest for a moment. I do the same as I did to Tami and kiss his forehead.
Am I really doing this? Can I walk away from her and my son? He settles down and I take him into Tami’s room where I find her dressed in an old t-shirt and shorts. Cash cries for his mom and she goes to him. Her need is obvious; she needs him as much as he needs her.
She cradles him to her chest and soothes him, rocking him back and forth. I turn to walk out but her voice stops me, “Pawn.” I can’t and won’t turn around. “My love for you scared the shit out of me. It was so unreal, I didn’t know if I would survive without you in it. A part of me knew that one day you would leave me. I now know I can survive.”
The sting of her words spurs me on to walk out on the woman I love. Once I am in my truck, I slam my hands on the steering wheel and peel out of her driveway. There is only one thing I know of that will help me to forget and drown out the misery.
Tami
The reality slams into me all at once as Pawn kisses me goodbye. The action triggered the reality I hid from myself so well. I picked Solo because I thought he was what I needed to live, to be happy. Pawn would eventually be the one to say goodbye. Except, I beat him to it. I said goodbye first. Solo was stable and reliable. We loved each other, but we weren’t in love with each other. We fought more and more. He never really moved into my house. God, he was planning on leaving me, eventually.
The signs were all there, and I just refused to believe that another person in my life could move on without me, like nothing. I put on a brave face believing that love took work and held onto something that wasn’t there.
I hated myself when he died because I felt a little better inside that he didn’t leave because he wanted to. That guilt ate me up inside because how could I find some sort of peace in that thought? Most of all, the worst of it, was my thoughts of Pawn, that he never would talk to me. Solo saw my face fall every time I didn’t receive a letter back. It was so unfair to all of us. I wanted to love him more so badly.
Now Pawn is gone for good and I believe I will always be unlucky when it comes to love. It hurts like a motherfucker. Difference is now, I won’t bow down to the misery. I take Cash with me back into my bed and run my hands through his hair until he falls back to sleep. “I promise you, baby boy, I will never leave you. Me and you kid, against the world.”
I seal my vow to him with a kiss to his cheek and roll out the other side of the bed. Finding Solo’s flannel, I walk outside and light the last one in the pack, alone. “Hey, Solo,” I croak after my first exhale. “Today is the day you left me. I see some things now that I didn’t before, and I am sorry for that. You are someone I will never forget in my life, ever. You taught me what love could be like and, most of all, to have wings and the strength to be me. You tried so hard for me to love you.” Taking in a deep drag I exhale the hardest part, “We eventually would have parted, and you saw that. I’m just now seeing the full picture.”
I inhale the smoke deep into my lungs because the words burn on my tongue and I crave the relief. Something to soothe the agony. “Today, I have to face the truth and be brave. I will always love you. We never would have had the happily ever after like I dreamed about. Sorry, Solo, you don’t know how sorry I am.”
The truth washes over me like a tidal wave of betrayal, but at the same time I feel free. The contradictions war over the other, but I know that he forgives me. He would want me to move on and forgive myself and someday I will. But today is for him.
I finish the smoke and look out at the sun, “My dearest friend, you will never be forgotten but remembered with the warmest feelings.” Love is a fool’s game if you have never played before. I lost because I didn’t know how to play, but now I do.
After coming back inside and checking on Cash, I box up the rest of Solo’s things. I take the boxes to the garage. Some may not understand why, but I’ll tell you why. I can’t stop myself from moving forward any longer. I am ready to believe in me and not the lies I wanted to believe.
I fold the flannel and set it on my dresser and place a picture of us next to it but take all the others down I have of him and put those in my car. I make the decision to show the MC my support today. They’ve held me up this entire year and I want to give them back the love they have given me. I am not alone. I have a family to take care of.
Chapter 18
Tami
In the clubhouse there is peace among the men. They sit in a quiet, contemplation with few words spoken, as I walk in with the girls and bags of groceries. Today, no matter what, I will honor the man Solo was.
“What are you up to?” Blade asks with a worried look on his face.
We halt and I stand up front with Cash on my hip and the bag containing pictures in my other hand. “Solo was there for every one of us. Remember that party he threw for Tank? And the countless times he made sure every person had what they needed around them?”
The men stare at me and the room has gone silent, waiting for me to finish, “I’m remembering him today like he deserves. Without tears and mourning. I am making sure you all have what you need today, like he would.”
“Fuck, lil’ T, you killed the shit out of that.” Tank barrels through the crowd of men and hugs me, squishing Cash between us. “Proud of you.”
I hug him back and pull back enough to pass him Cash, “I brought some pictures I had taken.” One by one, I pass out the pictures I had printed and framed to Solo’s brothers. Peace. Their eyes show so much appreciation that the giving was almost selfish, it felt so right.
The room takes on this simple but humbling feeling that I know we all can feel. Because he is here. There is no doubt in my mind. Solo would never let anyone down. It wasn’t who he was, and he would want to be here with all those that loved him.
The door cracks open to the front entrance. Abuela barrels inside with Fuego and our California family on her heels. “Hurry up, I told you she would be here, but you don’t listen. We had to stop by her house first. I don’t know why after all these years you think you know more than me.” She scolds the whole way until she finds us waiting for her grand entrance. “Mija, ven aquí, come here.” She jabs her purse at Snake and presses forward. She envelopes me in an embrace so tight, I feel her strength not from her body but her heart. She shares every piece of her in that moment and transfers it to me.
It’s no use, I can’t fight back the overwhelming feeling that overcomes me. With tear-filled eyes, I croak, “You came.”
”Sí, mija. Tu eres mi familia. ¿Dónde está mi bebé? She lets me go in search of Cash and doe
s the same to him. Takes him into her arms and holds him. Sharing with her family a bond that can never be broken. Watching her is inspiring.
Fuego and the members all give me a hug and I’m touched they remembered and came here for us. Even though Solo is gone, we are included because they are here just as much for him as they are for me. The room settles down and we work as a group to get everyone a plate of food. Abuela sits with the children and talks with them, spending what she finds the most precious things in the world, their little souls.
“You holding up, T?” Tank asks and stands next to me holding his plate.
“Today is hard, but I am so much better. Having every single one of you has made a difference. I’m getting there, even though the days are lonely, you all find a way to make it bearable like today. I don’t want to be alone.”
“You never will be alone, T. You know that, right?”
“I do, I have you all to help me get through it.” I bump his shoulder with mine and watch the crowd mingle. The day is special, we made food and laughed at the stories we shared of Solo. Blade hung one of the framed pictures I had of the members with him to the wall in the bar. He then hands me a beer from over the bar top.
I’m so shocked that Blade enjoys my discomfort. He pushes the beer closer, “Like Tank said earlier, we are all proud of you.”
Taking the beer from him, I pop the cap off and take a small sip. He holds up his beer and whistles loudly, gathering the attention of the room. “To family, and taking care of each other. To Solo, never forgotten.”
A cheer erupts and I smile, but at the same time a small tear escapes that I quickly wipe away, adding, “To love and living without regrets.”
“Battle Born.” Blade finishes and we all cheer to the end of a horrible day that was made better. Love comes in many forms and, little by little, I am learning what a real family and love is. Giving yourself.
Loving You Forever (Battle Born MC Book 7) Page 9