Wilderness Untamed

by Butler, J. M.

  She needed to get out of this suphrite. That sleepiness was stealing over her, and lately the last thing she wanted to do was sleep. Even in the safety of her hammock. The dreams remained strange, vanishing as soon as she woke. But she felt as if she kept having nightmares. What was weird was every time she thought of or mentioned Dry Deep, her stomach hurt.

  The suphrite dried as soon as she stepped out. Though the pain in her arm had receded, the dull remaining ache suggested she hadn't fully healed. She rubbed it as she walked alongside AaQar. "Should I try to stop them? I was the one that got distracted. It was my fault."

  Naatos and WroOth were still kuvasteing. They had neared the river as QueQoa circled, most likely as a lookout since they had moved past the rels.

  AaQar chuckled. "I don't recommend it. Interrupting Vawtrians kuvasteing works about as well as pulling two dogs apart when fighting. It can be done, but you're likely to get bit. Besides, Naatos was definitely trying to catch your focus."

  "I should have been paying attention to the match."

  "Yes. But he was hoping you'd notice. He's more than capable of disappearing when he doesn't want to be seen."

  "I'd be more disturbed if I sensed him and didn't see him."

  "Perhaps."

  "Can I ask you about vestov vows?"

  He tilted his head, startled. "How do you know about those?"

  "WroOth mentioned them."

  "You're going to ask Naatos for a vestov vow." The smile pulled up lightly at the corners of his mouth. "You are relentless, little sister."

  "I am—" she swallowed hard, finding the words hard to say. "I have feelings for him. And I love all of you. But if you, even if it's just Naatos, decided to invade a nation like Libysha again… I'd have to stop you. And I don't want to fight you. If it's truly a case of injustice or stopping something horrible, maybe. But what was happening—"

  He placed his hand over hers. "I know."

  "I know you had good intentions. That you thought you could make something better. And maybe in some cases, it does need to happen. But the way that it did… I will never be able to support that."

  "No, I don't imagine you could." His gaze grew more distant as he stared out over the river. "If we could have done what we planned, it would have been worth it. Beautiful even. But here… now… I can't even wrap my mind around how we will ever leave this world. Rasha gave Naatos some hope for the Tue-Rah's restoration and the repairing of the timelines, but I can't see it. It used to be that I could see the way. Even if I was not present. Sometimes that was actually easier. And vestov vows are easier still though they are sacred. They are between two individuals, one of whom is locked. Most often this occurs between mates but not always. It is made upon the sacredness of the union itself. If broken, it is like spitting in the face of your beloved and choosing another in her presence. Vawtrians do not divorce, but violating a vestov vow excuses a spouse from fulfilling marital duties and allows them to take a sesai if they so choose. Or as you are not a Vawtrian, you could take an actual lover."

  "What's a sesai?"

  "Sesais are companions of a sort. Often other Vawtrians who have locked and whose veskaros have been taken from them or those who do not have sexual desires. Sex is not an aspect of the relationship, but there is a closeness. Lives and beds are shared."

  "That sounds comforting."

  "It's supposed to be. As are vestov vows. Are you going to ask him to give up fighting and killing in general?"

  She laughed, that pleasant sensation of hope expanding. Vestov vows were easy. Maybe Naatos would agree. Maybe. "I don't think I should be that bold with a request. I'm just going to make sure that I have fulfilled my destiny as the Third Nalenth. And we will find our way out of here. Off this world. We will."

  He scoffed. "How can you be so sure of that?"

  "Because—" She looked back toward Naatos. He and WroOth's kuvaste had moved into the middle of the river. Both were some kind of water dragon. Large green salamander-like creatures clambered out onto the far bank. "Because I want to stay. And I want things to be beautifully simple. I want a quiet life. Peaceful if possible. I want to know that I am not a monster. That I won't become one. That the good I do in the world—though small—counts. And I want to share those memories with people I love."

  "That sounds lovely," AaQar said.

  She smiled. "It does. And that's why I won't get that. No one gets everything they want. And if I am with Naatos, I don't think peace or quiet are really going to figure prominently in my life. No matter where we are."

  AaQar chuckled. "No."

  QueQoa's voice boomed from the river. "That's not a rock!"

  "But you think you could be happy even without getting all that you want?" AaQar continued.

  She nodded slowly. "So long as happiness matters, yes. But I am not sure that it's the most important thing. More importantly, I can see a way through. Sort of. Elonumato is good. Good things can happen. And I am trusting. Even if I don't get what I want. But what I also know more importantly is that I am loved. That's more than a lot of people get."

  "You are loved," AaQar said.

  "So are you."

  He scoffed but didn't turn away. "Family is precious. Even if half the time you want to strangle them." His eyes narrowed as Naatos flung WroOth out of the river. The silver-grey-and-coral dragon form wavered as WroOth struck the shoreline. Turning, he bit Naatos in the shoulder and dragged him out as well. "Those two sikalts are headed away from the camp."

  QueQoa followed at a distance, a large rock-like creature tucked under one arm.

  "Some days I don't know how we got as far as we did," AaQar said. "I don't know whether he will agree to the vow."

  "He told me that he might be willing to consider giving up the Tue-Rahs but he knew that because of all the broken trust between us mere words weren't going to suffice. That he would show me with actions. Which, yes. Words without actions are pointless. It's also a really convenient way for him to get me to have sex with him without him having to take any concrete steps to prove anything else."

  "You think it will be harder for you to disagree with him after you two vestov?"

  She hugged herself and pushed her elmis tight against her torso. "I'm not planning on anything getting easier after we vestov."

  AaQar laughed. "Such romance."

  "Am I wrong?"

  "No. Vestoving just gives you an outlet for frustration and pleasure. Sometimes one more than the other. Anger too occasionally. Maybe less occasionally with you and Naatos. It's the mutual giving and receiving of pleasure and the most intimate form of sex."

  Her cheeks heated. Time to change topics. "As far as relationships go, I know you haven't wanted to talk much about Rasha. I'm sorry I haven't been able to reach her again."

  AaQar didn't even act surprised at the change. "I have hardly known what to say. But I do know her well enough to know that she has not given up in that dungeon. Her spirit is nowhere near broken. I know that she inflicts wounds, carelessly at times. And then it turns out that there was a reason for it. I don't know whether she came up with it afterward to justify it or—" He pinched the bridge of his nose. "It doesn't matter. She is her own person. She actually told me to move on. She wants me to take a sesai."

  "Have you ever?"

  He shook his head. "I thought I had failed her so thoroughly that I deserved no comfort of any kind."

  "And now that you know—"

  He cut her off. "I still failed her, Amelia. She did not abandon me. But my son is dead and my wife taken prisoner. She told me in the last dream that it was not my fault. That they took her also for her own—" His brow tightened and then furrowed. "For her own crimes. She thought that would comfort me."

  "What crimes?"

  "She wouldn't say. Only that she had indeed done terrible things. That she deserved this." He released a tight breath, but the words came faster. "Rasha has always been a complicated person. She had a life before me, and she guarded it with unpara
lleled zeal."

  "Did it bother you that she didn't share her past with you?"

  "I love her as she was and is, and I understood that that secrecy was part of her. She pushed herself to be the very best that she could possibly be. Over two thousand years of age, and she had not yet found herself satisfied. She wanted to understand everything, and her ambition was remarkable. Except it never extended to leadership. She despised being around people. Family was one of those few exceptions, and even then she still needed time away. She could be stern and cold with people, but with those whom she loved, she had such tenderness. Even though it could sometimes be difficult to see. She loved Mara in her own way just as Mara loved her. Which was very brave of Mara because she had no way to know beyond trust that Rasha actually did appreciate her. And with Rasha, you had to see the long plan with her. Loving her was like loving—" He shrugged as he broke off into silence. "It was remarkable to watch her with Nydas. For all her sternness with others, she had a special tenderness with him."

  "In the memories you showed me, he looked like a very sweet boy." He had resembled his father a great deal, both in appearance and manner.

  "He was. Very conscientious. A little too self-aware perhaps. He was a Seyal like Naatos, but he had my heart and his mother's strength. He also had my gift. He would have done incredible things in this life if he had had the chance."

  "I'm sorry." Those words did nothing. She bowed her head to wipe away the tears that rose.

  "Do you want to know how he died?"

  "I—" She blinked.

  "She wouldn't tell me. Except to say that he didn't suffer. That she wanted—needed me to know. He is at peace now. Which is a blessing, I suppose."

  It was just so sad.

  He placed his hand over hers. "There is a lot of sorrow that comes with love. No matter the type. Even in the best of relationships. Though I might change some things, I would not change being with her or the time that I did have with my son. She has done much with which I don't agree. But before she was taken, we always found a way to work through it. Just because things are hard or complicated doesn't mean it was a mistake." He indicated her arm. "You need to go soak that again."

  "How can you tell?"

  "You weren't in there long enough." He gave her a flat smile. "You think after all these years and those sikalts as my brothers and oh so many children in the cadre that I don't know when someone didn't spend enough time in healing waters? Go get that dealt with. Keep the whistle on, and don't fall asleep."

  No. She wasn't going to sleep.

  As she returned to the suphrite stream, she scratched her elmis. Nothing was helping this constant madness. Naatos certainly wasn't. It was almost intolerable on her back. Especially in these training clothes. She grabbed one of the gowns and waded out into the water.

  Slipping off the tunic and trousers allowed the turquoise waters to sting and heal her elmis faster than usual, but that dreadful itching was going to return as soon as she left. Worse still was the fact that they were just raw. Even hiding them against her torso sometimes hurt. Putting even the silk on was unappealing. She'd have to soon. But—

  Everyone was kuvasteing or supervising.

  All right.

  It was worth the risk.

  Just a few minutes.

  She folded the clothes and tucked them behind a small rock. Then, sighing, she swam out into the thick waters. Reaching one of the boulders that jutted up, she braced herself and scrubbed her fingers through her hair. The odd milky turquoise color was reassuring now, a reminder that there could be no predators here. It was safe to heal. To relax. To breathe.

  Despite the stinging and itching as she healed, it was better here. And the suphrite almost dampened her elmis' sensitivity.

  As she rounded the boulder and started another lap, she halted.

  Naatos was down at the foot of the stream, examining her clothes.

  52

  Playing With Fire

  Amelia immediately swam to the other side of the nearest boulder that protruded from the suphrite. "What are you doing?" she demanded.

  Naatos held up her yellow gown, an amused smile on his face. "You refuse to sleep in night clothes because you fear being caught unawares but you are actually swimming without clothes right now. Could it be that you were hoping I'd find you?"

  She glared at him and checked to ensure her breasts were covered. The coarse stone cooled her body at least. "You're supposed to be kuvasteing."

  "I was. It is finished. I came to see about your arm, and here I find you had another far better surprise for me." He gestured toward her.

  "This wasn't for you, Naatos."

  "I find that hard to believe." He removed his boots.

  "Hold up, hold up." She pushed herself up on the rock, keeping her breasts covered. "What do you think you're doing?"

  "Joining you."

  Her eyes widened. "Oh. Oh. I don't think so."

  "You don't?" He feigned surprise. "And yet I am."

  "Naatos, I may not be wearing clothes, but this is not an invitation."

  "Would it help if I removed mine?" His grin broadened.

  The immediate heat that flashed through her made her sweat. "Naatos—"

  "Yes?" He had already unfastened three of the toggles on his doublet. "I would very much like to join you in this pool."

  Her heart pulsed. She scarcely knew how to handle him when he was playful. "So long as you agree not to touch me. Can you do that?"

  "If that is what you want."

  She nodded slowly, her mouth dry. "All right."

  "If, however, you want to touch me, you are more than welcome. And if this does not go the way you want, you may tell my brother."

  "Is WroOth still angry at you?" That hint of annoyance that played under his words made her smile. WroOth hitting him with the bo staff should not have been so funny. But it was. He could turn into anything at all, and yet he still picked a large stick to beat his brother.

  "I have allegedly been banned from the training sessions."

  "That might not be such a bad idea. I don't imagine it's easy for you."

  "I'm just pleased that my presence is enough to distract you now. Though I am less pleased about you getting hurt because of it."

  She ducked her head. If he only knew how many times he did distract her.

  Actually, he probably did. She wasn't good at hiding things. He seemed to have memorized most of her tells. "I need to get better about distractions anyway. If anyone attacks us, it doesn't really matter if I can't keep my focus."

  A loud splash followed.

  When she looked up, there were only rings of water rippling out.

  Oh… he'd gotten his doublet and tunic off. They were in a pile beside his boots. Not his trousers though. That was good.

  Except he was underwater now.

  Could he see her?

  She moved her foot out. Not even a shadow indicated its presence in the milky turquoise waters.

  But were there things he could do to his eyes? No. He was probably aroused right now. So—

  He emerged on the other side of the rock and pushed the hair out of his face. That same confident smile returned to his lips. "You have been improving though. The training is working."

  "Yes. Last time you were threatening WroOth because he knocked me in the hammock. Now he's breaking my arm, and he's the one who's mad."

  "That was because he wasn't paying attention and he wasn't in full control that time. He was training you out of a place of fear. Reacting and taking out his frustrations on you even with most of it in check. That's what kuvaste is for. Injuries are common in training. It's one thing when it happens because the student is careless or unfocused. Another entirely when it is the instructor." His gaze drifted over her. "I have to admit, veskaro, your shoulders are exquisite. Though really you simply are beautiful."

  She smiled. Part of her doubted him. Wanted to bring up again that the locking only made it seem so. But what was beauty? Eve
ryone was influenced by biology. Usually based on what was available and fertility. Her stomach clenched at that. She swiftly pushed the thought from her mind.

  If it didn't really matter whether she was, then she could take the compliment. "You're very handsome too."

  "I know." He made that odd purring growl as he grinned at her. "And I love to hear you say it. Though you haven't even seen all of me yet."

  "I've seen your shoulders."

  "You think they are my best feature?" His eyebrow raised.

  How hot could her face get exactly? She met his gaze and kept the straightest face she could. "Why does it feel like you object?"

  "Because I do. I am more than broad shoulders and a chiseled jaw."

  "You do have quite the temper."

  "Among other things. And my best feature is—"

  "You know, I'm going to stop you there. Because I think I know what you're going to say."

  That grin broadened even more. "Do you?"

  She pursed her lips. "Naatos."

  "Amelia."

  "Why are you in the water with me?" she asked. "You know we still have several days left. I'm about to go insane with this already. And from what you've said—"

  "I'd rather be on the edge of insanity with you than the alternative. Besides, this means you'll never be able to use sex as a weapon against me. Let alone vestoving. Especially when I see how I affect you even without touching you now."

  It was true. She reached up to push her hair back but realized it was already tucked behind her ear. "I didn't expect to feel this way about you. Or for it to be like this. Really I didn't think I could feel like this."

  He studied her, his eyes narrowing as he rested his arms on the boulder. "You truly did not consider falling in love? Surely you had moments."

  "It wasn't for me. So I didn't think about it. I wouldn't think about it." She picked at her fingernail. "It's hard for something to grow if you don't give it any room. I was lonely though. Pretty much always. That I couldn't figure out how to cut away. I guess maybe the Neyeb part of me wasn't working. Making me fall in love."