An Ill Wind Blows

by Charlie Cottrell

  “I’ve been terribly discreet and subtle.” Dr. Gunpants from the other day notwithstanding, I added silently.

  “You’re walking around town with Vinny the Pooh,” she pointed out.

  I had the decency to blush a bit. “Touché, though you’ll notice I left him outside for this little meeting.”

  “For which I thank you,” Alice said, the smirk never leaving her ace. “Anyway, if you want to give me the location of the Jewel of Hakido as thanks, I can have it picked up within the hour.”

  I shook my head again. “No, thanks. But I appreciate your history lesson.”

  “Well, if not me, then maybe him?” Alice asked, pointing back toward the door. I turned to see a thin man of Japanese origin walk in with a handful of even-thinner-looking needles.

  “Well, I’m definitely not handing it over to him,” I said, rising from the booth and drawing the lightning gun. I hadn’t fired the thing yet, and I wasn’t really sure this was really the best opportunity to test an unknown weapon, but I felt a little better holding it. “I take it you’re one of the Ill Winds?” I asked him.

  The man nodded. “I am the Third Ill Wind, the Walking Plague,” he said. His voice was oily and low. “You are Detective Hazzard, I presume?” he asked.

  I nodded. “Yup, that’s what’s stitched in my underwear. I assume you’re here to kill me?”

  “Of course,” the Walking Plague said with a brief smile, then frowned. “It will be tremendously painful, I’m afraid, but only for a minute or two.”

  III.

  The Walking Plague brandished his needles while my finger twitched on the trigger of the lightning gun. I’m pretty quick on the draw, but I had no misconceptions about being able to get the gun aimed and fired before he’d filled me with those damn needles.

  Behind me, I felt Alice slipping out of the booth. “I can see you guys are busy. I’ll see myself out,” she said.

  The Walking Plague raised a needle threateningly. “I’m afraid I cannot have any witnesses left alive,” he said.

  Alice closed her eyes and sighed. “I was afraid you might say that,” she said, surreptitiously tapping a button in the palm of her hand and lighting the room up like the Fourth of July.

  Like any consummate professional, Alice had set up flashbangs and other distracting light and noisemakers around the room before any of the rest of us got there. I was blinded, but so was the Walking Plague.

  Alice sprang into action, leaping across a table and getting right up in the Walking Plague’s face. I knew from experience that she was excellent at hand-to-hand combat, and she looked to want to prove it to the assassin as she slid up and did an open-handed palm strike right into his chin. The Walking Plague’s head snapped back and he stumbled. Alice stepped in smoothly, right hand drawn back for another open-handed strike that would lay the assassin out. That’s when the Ill Wind’s hand snaked out, almost too fast to see, and planted a needle in the side of Alice’s neck. She yelped and staggered back, then collapsed in a heap on the floor.

  “Annoying little gnat,” the Walking Plague spat at her. “That particular poison will kill you slowly.” He turned his attention back to me. “Now, Detective Hazzard, it’s your turn.” He brandished the needles and grinned evilly.

  Unfortunately for him, I already had the lightning gun up and ready. “I don’t think so, buddy,” I said, pulling the trigger. For a millisecond, there was nothing, then an arc of electricity shot forward, catching the Walking Plague and sending thousands of volts coursing through his body. He twitched and convulsed, dropping his needles and collapsing on top of them.

  I stepped over to the assassin and turned him over with my toe. Several of his needles were sticking out of his back, and his eyes were becoming glassy and his breath shallow and rushed. “Hey, jackass,” I said, slapping him on the cheek. “I assume you’ve got an antidote to whatever crazy whatsit you stabbed Alice with. Where is it?” His eyes darted quickly to his belt, where I found a pouch with a number of small vials inside. Thankfully, they hadn’t been crushed when he fell. “Thanks,” I said, standing and hurrying over to Alice. She wasn’t as bad off as the Walking Plague, but she didn’t look good. “Hang on, Alice,” I said, digging one of the vials out of the pouch and staring at it. How the hell did I administer the stuff?

  “Hey, Maya!” I shouted, snapping my hacker’s attention back to me. She’d sat in stony, fearful silence throughout the entire encounter, huddled in the booth for protection. “Find me a hypodermic quick. Check the first aid kit behind the bar.” Maya jumped up and hurried over behind the bar, where she rummaged for a moment before holding a first aid kit aloft and hustling it back over to me. Meanwhile, I pulled the needle out of Alice’s neck and tossed it back over at the Walking Plague, who was lying very still and silent at this point, a bit of foam on his upper lip all the indication of what had done him in. Taking the first aid kit from Maya, I popped it open and found an emergency hypodermic kit. Taking the cap off the vial, I dumped its contents into the hypo and squeezed any extra air out through the syringe. Then I muttered a small prayer to myself and plunged it into Alice’s neck and pushed the plunger.

  For a moment, nothing happened, then Alice gasped and sat straight up, her eyes wide and her mouth agape. She sucked in a couple of deep lungfuls of air and relaxed a bit, then took in her surroundings. “Is he dead?” she asked.

  Maya was standing over the Walking Plague, her mouth a trembling, thin line. “Um, yeah,” she said quietly.

  “He really shouldn’t have just been carrying them around like that. It’s very dangerous,” I said.

  “You didn’t tell me the Ill Winds were hunting you,” Alice said accusatorially.

  “Does that matter? They’re just assassins,” I said.

  “Hell yes, it matters!” Alice snapped. Then she stopped and stared at me. “Do you…do you really not know who these men are?”

  “Should I?”

  Alice sighed and plopped back down in her booth. “Sit down. You clearly need another history lesson.”

  IV.

  “The Seven Ill Winds are the deadliest assassins in the world,” Alice began.

  “I’ve fought worse,” I said with a wave of my hand.

  “No, you haven’t,” Alice said bluntly. “These seven brothers have trained for years to become the finest killers in the world. When they start to hunt you, one of them will eventually kill you.”

  “This one said he was number three, so only four left to go,” I said enthusiastically.

  “You don’t understand, Eddie. These seven brothers aren’t just goons like the Organization uses. They have honed their entire existence into the art of killing, and they are very good at it. The best, in fact. Their father was a madman, some say the greatest assassin to ever live. He taught all seven of the brothers, then sent each one out to kill before their tenth birthday. Each one is deadlier than the one before,” Alice noted. “The seven brothers are…relentless. Usually, just a single one of the seven is sufficient for most targets. But you? You get all seven. Who did you piss off?”

  “I think the list of folks I haven’t made angry is shorter,” I replied. I shrugged and turned to the door. “C’mon, Maya. We’ve got places to go, assassination attempts to thwart.”

  “Fine, leave,” Alice said huffily. “Don’t come cryin’ to me when you get yourself killed!”

  “I won’t,” I replied with a little wave as I left the bar.

  Outside, I turned up my coat against the chill and looked up and down the street. “Maya, call Kimiko,” I said. “We need our own ninja warrior involved in this mess.” Maya nodded and pulled up a vid window. She spoke quickly and quietly into it, then I heard the familiar sound of a phoneline ringing. Kimiko picked up after the fourth ring.

  “Yes?” she said simply.

  “Kim, it’s Eddie,” I said, lighting a cigarette and taking a long drag. Despite my bravado, my nerves were a little shot after that last confrontation. “We’ve been having a bi
t of a day.”

  “I heard you killed someone,” Kimiko replied.

  “I did nothing of the sort,” I snapped. “But that’s not the only problem we’re having.” I gave Kimiko a quick rundown of Maya’s and my encounter with Mr. Montgomery, the shock bracelets, our meeting with Clyde and the subsequent removal of said bracelets, and the appearance of the Ill Winds.

  “The who?” Kimiko asked quietly.

  “The Ill Winds. I know, it’s a stupid name, but I don’t think they’re taking suggestions for replacements right now,” I said. Kimiko was silent on her end of the line, something that had never happened even once after I’d snarked like that in all the time I’d known her. “Um, Kim? You good? Did you drop your phone in the toilet or something? I hear you can put it in a thing of rice to dry it out.”

  “Shut up,” Kimiko snapped. “Stay exactly where you are. I will be there shortly.” The line when dead.

  I looked up at Maya. “Um, she’ll be joining us in just a moment, I think.”

  * * *

  Kimiko arrived at the bar within ten minutes, her face a blank mask.

  “Hey, Kim. Thanks for joining us,” I said.

  Kimiko eyed Alice. “What is she doing here?” Kimiko asked.

  “Easy, Kim. She’s with me. She won’t say a word, honest.”

  “Scout’s honor,” Alice said, holding up her hand in mock salute.

  Kimiko frowned, but didn’t press the issue. “Sit down,” she said darkly. She slid into the booth across from me and folded her hands on the table. “I’m only going to tell this story once, so listen closely and do not interrupt. Understood?”

  “Um, yeah,” I said.

  “Good.” Kimiko took a deep breath, let it all out slowly, and began her story.

  “You know that I came from Japan several years ago to work for Ms. Stewart. I had spent my entire life to that point training as a ninja, honing my mind and body into a living weapon.

  “What you don’t know is that I am the youngest of eight children. My seven older brothers were also trained in the ways of the ninja and became great assassins. The greatest assassins, to be honest.”

  “I can see where this is going,” I said.

  Kimiko nodded grimly. “Yes. They are the Seven Ill Winds, the deadliest killers alive. Once they accept a contract on someone’s life, that person is as good as dead. Each is more lethal than the last. The greatest of them is my oldest brother, who is known as the Saint Blade. He wields the family sword of the same name. He has never missed a kill.”

  “So, wait, why did you come out here rather than stay with them? You’re one of the best fighters I’ve ever seen,” I said.

  Kimiko’s eyes narrowed. “My skills are nothing compared to my brothers’, especially the Saint Blade. Yoshi has spent his whole life perfecting his technique, sharpening his skills to a fine point. One need only tell the Saint Blade his target, and that target dies.”

  “So, what’re you saying? Can you beat him?” I asked.

  Kimiko gave a small shrug. “I do not know. I do not think so, though.”

  That gave me pause. Kimiko was a master swordswoman and strategist. If she didn’t think she could defeat her big brother, what chance did I have? “Anyway, you were explaining why you left.”

  Kimiko nodded. “I was…not wanted,” she said simply. “My brothers shunned me, ignored me. They thought I was beneath them, so I left when my parents died.”

  “Your parents are dead?” Alice asked. Kimiko nodded.

  “Did they die suddenly and tragically, like in a fire?” I asked. Another nod from Kimiko. “And, wait, don’t tell us, your parents were the ones who trained you and sent you out after targets, right?”

  “Yes,” Kimiko said grimly. “After they passed, the family’s majordomo sent word to me that Yoshi, my oldest brother, was about to put a contract out on my head. So I fled my brothers’ impending attack and I came here, established my own life. But I live in their shadow, always.”

  I sat there for a moment. “So…think you can help me take them down?” I finally asked.

  Kimiko stared at me, nonplussed. “Did you not hear what I said, Detective Hazzard? My brothers are far beyond me. I cannot—we cannot—hope to defeat them.”

  “Aw, that’s quitter talk,” I drawled. “We’ve already taken out three of ‘em. How much harder can the last four be?”

  “Were you even listening while she talked?” Alice asked me.

  “Yeah. ‘They’re super-strong, oh woe is me, I guess Detective Hazzard has to die,’” I said mockingly. “Cry me a damn river, Kimiko. Suck it up. There are four more of your asshole brothers out there, all of ‘em looking to do me in. It’s your damn job to stop ‘em. Either get with the program or find a new job. Got it?”

  Kimiko looked for a moment like she wanted to kill me herself. Then she nodded. “Yes. What do you want me to do?”

  “First, figure out just who the hell wants me dead. Who is paying these guys, and how much? Can we flip them if we pay them more?”

  Kimiko shook her head. “No. I can tell you that, once they take a contract, they see it through to the end.”

  “Damn. Well, find out who’s behind the contract anyway. Maybe if we can figure that out, we can put some pressure on them and get them to call off the dogs.” I turned to Maya. “Get Vinny, head Downtown and see what you can dig up on Montgomery. I want that bastard behind bars when this is all said and done, got it?” Maya nodded and scampered out of the bar to find our gorilla. Finally, I turned to Alice.

  “Get the Jewel of Hakido for you?” she asked sweetly.

  “Hell no. Have a drink and then get the hell out of town, would ya? I’d feel safer knowing I’m not competing against you to find that damn thing.”

  Alice pouted. “You used to be more fun,” she said.

  I sighed. “Yeah, well, I’ve died since then.”

  V.

  I left the bar and immediately called Miss Typewell. So much was topsy-turvy today, I needed to recenter and connect with my guiding star or some such bullshit.

  She answered the phone quickly. “Eddie! What’s going on out there?”

  “Oh, the usual,” I said, lighting a cigarette. “Some folks want me dead, some folks want me to do all their work for them, and I’m just trying to figure out how I’m gonna get paid for it all.” I exhaled a cloud of smoke. “How’re things back at the home office?”

  “The cops have been here and gone, I swept the place for bugs and didn’t find any, and there’s been a weird guy in silk robes watching the front door from across the street all day long.

  I froze, cigarette halfway to my mouth. “Is he still out there?” I finally managed to ask.

  “Lemme check,” Miss Typewell said. There was a long pause before she said, “No, he’s gone now. I’d have to check the security camera to see where he went.”

  “Do that, and make sure the place is on lockdown,” I said. “Don’t let anyone who isn’t me, Kimiko, or Maya back in, do you understand?”

  “Sure, Eddie, relax,” Miss Typewell said.

  I could hear the sound of buttons being pressed in the background and imagined I could hear the door and window locks engaging. None of it would keep out someone who was absolutely determined to get in, but it’d buy Miss Typewell time to make it into the panic room when someone tried.

  “Just…be careful, okay?” I said. “Those guys are dangerous. Kimiko’s out here with me trying to shut them down, but they’re the real thing.”

  “Don’t worry, bossman,” Ellen responded half-mockingly, “I’ve got it all under control.”

  * * *

  Back inside the bar, Alice and Kimiko had both disappeared. I slumped into a booth and motioned for the bartender to bring me a drink. He ignored me, which was probably just as well. I needed to stay sharp.

  I closed my eyes and tried a breathing meditation Kimiko had shown me a few weeks earlier. It was supposed to calm and relax me, but I always ended up feeling wired
and anxious when I was done. This time was different, though, and I felt myself starting to slip off to sleep when I felt a presence come up behind me.

  I don’t know if it’s years of paranoia or what, but that set off alarm bells in my head. I threw my arms up over my head just in time to catch a blade plunging down toward me. Whoever had just tried to stab me to death pulled back, giving me a moment to dive out of the booth and stand up facing them. Turns out, it was the fourth assassin.

  “I am the fourth Ill Wind, the Silent Breeze,” the man said, his voice thin and reedy. “You are faster than I gave you credit for. Your dossier said you were a drunk and a fool, and I could not understand how you defeated three of my brothers. But now, I understand.” He flicked a droplet of blood – my blood – off the tip of one of his knives.

  “I’ve never been good at dying,” I replied casually. “Try as people might, they just haven’t been able to make it stick.”

  The Silent Breeze chuckled. “I said you surprised me, not that I wouldn’t be able to kill you. You will still fall, just as every target I have ever faced.”

  “Yeah, well, you’re a dick,” I snarled, clutching my arm as blood oozed between my fingers. I was tired and out of snark and those damn knives were sharp as hell.

  The Silent Breeze flourished his blades and stalked toward me. “Goodbye, detective,” he said, raising both knives simultaneously.

  Kimiko came out of nowhere, her kick aimed high at the Silent Breeze’s head. Had she connected, she’d have taken it clean off his shoulders. As things went, though, he ducked at the last second and Kimiko sailed over him, coming to a quick tumble and popping back up, ready to fight.

  “I did not expect to see you here,” the Silent Breeze said with a grin. “But I’m sure killing you will move me up a rank or two.”

  “You are welcome to try, brother,” Kimiko growled, her voice low and guttural.