Shutout

by Jami Davenport

  ~~Caroline~~

  After I put the kids to bed, Easton followed me out to the living room. He didn’t show any inclination toward going home. Mona followed us out of the kids’ bedrooms. She had this innate sense I was the one she had to win over. She sat next to me and laid her huge head in my lap, gazing up at me with sad eyes. I was a softie for animals, and she was melting my resistance. I ran a hand over her soft fur.

  Easton grinned as he handed me a glass of wine and once more took a seat next to me. The room was bathed in a glow of flickering Christmas lights from the tree. I was well-fed, content, and mellow. A peace I hadn’t felt in years settled over me. I hadn’t realized how much stress I’d been under when I’d been married to Mark, always trying to measure up to Mark’s and his parents’ standards and always falling short. I’d never been good enough. But right now at this special moment, I was good enough.

  Mona nudged my hand with her wet nose, encouraging me to pet her. Easton smiled knowingly.

  “She really likes you,” he said.

  “She likes everyone.”

  “Maybe. Mona had a tragic past. Ice’s wife works with the Newfie rescue. She’d been in a loving family, and the father shot them all, then shot himself. She ended up in a few different homes, and they didn’t take care of her. Then the rescue got ahold of her. Avery thought she’d be perfect for the kids.”

  “Remind me to thank Avery,” I said sarcastically, but we were keeping the dog. She’d wormed her way into Heath’s heart, and I wouldn’t separate them. Besides, her tragic story spoke to me. “Did she witness the shootings?”

  “Yeah, they found her lying in a pool of blood with her big body curled around the little boy, as if she were trying to warm him up.”

  “Oh, poor girl.” She gave my hand a single lick as if she knew we were talking about her.

  “Looks like she’s won you over.”

  “Maybe.” I wasn’t giving him the satisfaction by admitting I was completely smitten with the dog. He’d suffer first for not discussing his gift ideas with me.

  “I know I should’ve talked to you first.” Easton guessed what I was thinking, but then he’d always had this weird ability to read what was in my head and my heart. “But you would’ve said no, and I wanted poor Mona to have a chance at a forever home with us.”

  With us?

  I glanced up at him, and he smiled guilelessly. I’d heard him wrong. There was no us. Not now. Maybe not ever. I really didn’t know what I wanted. It was all so confusing.

  “Where’s Junie?” I asked, realizing I hadn’t seen her in a while.

  “She went home with Steele and Kaden. They were going to play video games.”

  “She likes Kaden.”

  “Yeah, well, good luck to her. He has a mystery lover. No one’s ever seen her, and he won’t talk about her. Kaden is obsessed with this woman. I’ve never seen him like this.” Easton slid his arm across the back of the couch behind me. His fingers lightly played with a lock of my hair. I involuntarily shivered from the intimate contact.

  “Really? Kaden? He seems like such a player.”

  “He is. It’s odd. Steele thinks she’s married.”

  “Oh, that’s not good for anyone.”

  “Tell me about it.” He pulled me closer to him, and I relished the warmth of his body next to me. The gas fireplace and Christmas lights added to the magic of the moment, and I never wanted this night to end. As I stared into his deep brown eyes, I knew this was where I belonged, where I’d always belonged. I envisioned sitting in front of a Christmas tree like this with him years from now as our grandkids and great-grandkids opened their presents.

  I’d thought I’d have the same future with Mark, but had I been deluding myself, or was I deluding myself now? Was the magic of the moment overriding my common sense? Falling for Easton again hadn’t been part of my plan. Getting an education and supporting my children comfortably without anyone else’s help had been. I started classes after the new year, working toward my nursing degree. It’d be difficult to study and take care of rambunctious twins, but I would find a way. I had Junie’s help, and I had Easton’s. He was a great father, even if he didn’t have much practice. The kids adored him, and I’d abandoned my fears he wasn’t in this for the long haul.

  “What are you thinking?” he said as he smiled at me.

  “About us.” My honesty surprised him. I saw it in his eyes. His expression softened, and he pulled me closer to him. I didn’t resist. I wasn’t capable of resistance. I’d been resisting him for too long, and tonight I didn’t have the willpower or the energy. I rested my head on his strong, capable shoulder and cleared my overactive brain of as many worries as possible, allowing myself to just be for a little while.

  We sat there in silence, listening to Christmas music and watching the flames dance in the fireplace.

  Chapter 24—A Big Step

  ~~Caroline~~

  I woke much later. At first, I was disoriented, but my foggy brain finally registered where I was. Easton was carrying me to the bedroom. He nudged the door shut with his heel and placed me on the bed. I lay there, looking up at him, as I fully awoke. I’d had dreams, dreams of Easton and me together. In one dream, Mark pounded on the door of our happy home and demanded I come back to him. He wasn’t really dead, and I was still married to him. That one shook me up more than I cared to admit.

  Easton sat on the edge of the bed. “What’s wrong, Caro? I saw something in your eyes. What is it?”

  “Just a disturbing dream.”

  “Tell me about it. You can tell me anything.”

  Déjà vu washed over me. He’d said those words to me years ago, and I’d spilled the truth about my horrible homelife and unloving parents. I’d been certain then I hadn’t been worthy of love, that something had to be wrong with me, not them. Even now, I still suffered from the residual effects of feeling unloved and unworthy. Trust had always been an issue with me. Loving Mark had been safe because our love wasn’t the soul-deep kind of love that would rip your heart out and leave you irreparably scarred and broken if it ever ended.

  “Caro, I’m here for you. I won’t walk away again. I promise.”

  “I’m trying.” I wanted to believe him, but my life had been about the people I loved the most leaving me. Getting beyond that kind of programming wouldn’t be easy.

  He lay down next to me, fully clothed, and held me in his arms. He didn’t try anything, just held me. “You don’t have to be strong all the time. I have broad shoulders. I can carry some of the load too.”

  His words rang true, but I wasn’t that easy to win over. I held back a part of me, a part I’d once given to him and only him. He’d stomped the life out of me and left me alone and, unknown to us, pregnant. Trust would take time.

  “So can I stay?” He rolled onto his side and propped his head on his hand.

  I wanted him to stay, but I was compelled to resist out of pure habit. “The kids might hear us.”

  “These walls are pretty soundproof,” he assured me. “And the doors are solid wood.”

  “And you know this how?”

  He gave me one of those looks. “Seriously? You’re asking me this? Look who I’m rooming with.”

  “Steele, who keeps to himself and doesn’t bring women home, and Kaden, who has a secret lover no one knows anything about.”

  “You do have a point. As long as you tamp down your screaming, we should be fine.”

  “My screaming?”

  “I used to make you scream. In fact, I loved it when you screamed out my name.”

  I’d loved it, too, but I wasn’t telling him what he already knew. “I don’t scream anymore.”

  “Let me see what I can do about that.”

  “I’m mad at you.”

  “Makeup sex is the best.”

  “Do you have an answer for every argument I come up with?”

  “Yup.” He grinned at me. One of his large hands stroked my arm. His eyes shone with affection and
desire. “I haven’t slept with anyone since you called me that first time.”

  “No one?”

  “No one measures up to you.”

  I’d had the same problem, but out of respect to Mark, I didn’t voice my opinions. “Kiss me.”

  He did, starting soft and careful and growing to roughly demanding with a good dose of need. Rolling me onto my back, he continued his sweet assault on my mouth. I slid my hands under his shirt and reveled in the warm skin under my fingertips. The muscles in his back flexed as his hands and mouth moved down my body, exploring and touching. He started with my jaw and neck and my collarbone. Soon, my sweater was pushed upward and over my head. I leaned forward and lifted my arms to help him. He pulled off his shirt and tossed both of them aside.

  “Easton,” I groaned as his mouth settled on the swell of my breast. He unhooked the back of my bra with none of the fumbling of the teenage Easton. This Easton was a man with much more experience, and he was familiar yet different.

  He slid his tongue around my nipple, sucking it into his mouth, as I moaned and writhed underneath him. He thumbed my other nipple, pressing and pinching gently. His touch sent shockwaves through my body. I hadn’t realized how much I’d missed this. Missed him.

  Then he was gone. The absence of his weight left me cold and shivering, a void only he could fill.

  “I’m sorry. I’m not going to be able to do much in the way of foreplay this time. I have to have you.” He kicked off his shoes and yanked off his pants and underwear. I smiled as I saw his erection, knowing it was all for me. He peeled the remainder of my clothes off me and fished a condom from his pocket.

  “You came prepared?” I arched my back, not the least bit modest regarding my current nakedness. He’d seen me before, and he’d see me again. No doubt about that. I spread my legs, waiting for him, as I opened my mouth and ran my tongue around my lips while staring pointedly at his cock.

  His grinned down at me. “You’ll get your chance, but I have to fuck you first. I don’t think I would be able to hold out for much else tonight.”

  “We can take it slow later.” I reached for him, and he came to me. His handsome face flooded with emotions I didn’t dare to interpret. Right now, right here, he was mine, and I was his. Tomorrow was tomorrow, and for now it didn’t matter. We mattered. We’d always mattered, even through those years we’d been apart.

  He entered me, and my body gladly stretched to accommodate him. We were where we belonged. He moved inside me, and I buried my fingers into his back, urging him to go deeper until he touched me so deep I felt as if he’d found that piece of my soul I’d kept hidden from the world.

  This wasn’t just sex. It wasn’t just fucking. It was something beautiful yet carnal, profound yet part of the cycle of life. We bonded. Our bodies melded together. Our souls entwined.

  We came together in a powerful surge of emotions that rolled over me with the intensity of a rocket launch. My mind left my body and merged with his. He loved me. I felt it. I knew it. I wanted it.

  And I loved him.

  Tomorrow I might regret what I’d done, but tonight, no regrets.

  ~~Easton~~

  Someone shook me awake. I didn’t want to wake up. I was having an erotic dream in which Caro and I were on a warm beach. As I moved inside her, warm waves rolled over us again and again.

  “Easton, wake up.”

  I groaned and rolled onto my stomach, burying my head in the pillow. The dream was too good to leave it behind just yet.

  “Easton! Wake up!” Caro’s voice was urgent.

  Alarmed, I rolled to my back and sat up. “Is something wrong?” I rubbed my eyes and tried to get my bearings. I wasn’t one of those guys who woke up and hit the ground running. It took several minutes and a few cups of coffee before I was semi-functional.

  “It’s six a.m. You have to get out of here before the kids and Junie know you stayed the night.”

  “Why?” I sat up in bed and squinted at the early-morning light peeking through the slats in the blinds. All I wanted to do was crawl back under the covers with Caro and spend the morning making love to her. When had fucking become making love? I mused.

  She gave me one of those how can you be so dense glares. I blinked several times. She was in a bathrobe, standing at the foot of the bed, staring at me. I heard a scratch at the door. Mona needed to go out.

  “Take the dog for a walk, would you? I need to clean up and get breakfast ready.”

  I staggered to my feet and began gathering my clothes, pulling them on. “What time is breakfast?”

  She frowned, and I half expected her to tell me I wasn’t invited. “In an hour.”

  “Great. I’ll be back.” I gave her a kiss on the cheek, ignoring the cool reception. She was having morning-after regrets, and I understood her feelings. I’d let things go for now. One step at a time. And last night had been a big step.

  Chapter 25—Space Needed

  ~~Caroline~~

  What had I done?

  I’d given in to my lust without giving a fuck about the long-term consequences. Yeah, sleeping with Easton had been epic, like a dream come true. Now it was morning, and my dream turned to harsh reality.

  I was a fool and an idiot, and I was now deeper into this mess than I’d ever been. I was scared and fearing I’d never measure up to all those other women chasing after Easton. My insecurities ran rampant this morning, and I regretted last night, even while I had to admit I’d do it again given the opportunity.

  The kids woke up shortly after Easton left to walk the dog. We’d almost gotten caught.

  My phone rang, displaying Fran’s name. Oh, my God, I’d forgotten to return their call yesterday. Now I really felt like shit. In all the chaos that was Christmas and my mixed-up feelings regarding Easton, I’d completely left out two of the best people in my life on the biggest family holiday of the year.

  “Fran, I’m so sorry we didn’t call you back yesterday.”

  I moved out of the living room and down the hall to my bedroom. Bad idea. The bedroom reminded me of last night and Easton. I hurried back to the hallway.

  “That’s not like you, Caro. It was Christmas day, for God’s sake, and we didn’t get to talk to our only grandchildren. I know they’re not blood, but they’re our grandkids. Have you already forgotten us?” Fran was understandably upset, and I deserved her anger.

  “I’m so sorry.” As busy as I was, the Mills were important to my children and to me.

  “How quickly you’ve moved on, Caro. It’s as if none of us ever existed. Did you take even a moment to remember Mark yesterday? Did all those wonderful Christmases we spent together as a family mean nothing to you? We loved you like the daughter we never had. We treated you well, and this is the thanks we get?”

  I’d never heard Fran so upset. Guilt crushed me with the force of an elephant sitting on my chest. I was a horrible person. Really horrible.

  “Fran, I know words can’t fix this, but I’m truly sorry.”

  “I’m hurt, really hurt, Caro. Sorry isn’t going to fix this. I’d rather not talk to you. Please put the grandkids on the line.”

  “Here’s Hailey.” I handed the phone to Hailey. “It’s your grandmother, sweetie.”

  Hailey grabbed the phone and took it into her bedroom, jabbering excitedly. Heath hurried after her, patiently waiting for his turn. I trudged to the kitchen, bearing the huge weight of guilt. I’d messed up. I’d been so wrapped up in the holidays and Easton, I’d forgotten about Fran and Howard.

  I heard a rap on the door and opened it for Easton and Mona to enter.

  He took one look and my face and said, “What’s wrong?”

  “I forgot to have the kids call their grandparents yesterday.” I was miserable. I’d brought this on myself, and I had no one else to blame. My attention had been focused solely on myself, Easton, and the kids. No one else had entered my tight little world yesterday. I’d barely thought of Mark. This had been my first Christmas without hi
m, and I’d forgotten the man I’d spent seven years with as if he’d never existed. He’d been there for me when Easton hadn’t. He’d loved my children and given me a good life. His parents had loved me as their own. They’d supported me and always been there for me, and this was how I repaid them. I was an awful person, and I’d betrayed them. I’d betrayed Mark. I’d betrayed my children.

  “Oh.” Easton watched me warily, as he skirted around me to the coffeepot and poured a cup for him and me. He turned back, handing me a cup. “Was it ugly?”

  “Beyond ugly. I’m horrible. How quickly I forgot about them and about Mark. The guy I spent the last several Christmases with. Fran is hurt, and she has every right to be. The kids are talking to them now.” I sipped the strong coffee and avoided his gaze.

  Easton’s troubled gaze flicked to the hallway, where the bedrooms were.

  “I betrayed them all. I dismissed all my memories of them as if they never existed. What kind of person does that?”

  “One who’s healing?” Easton offered lamely, uncomfortable with this subject.

  “Or undeserving of such good people in her life?”

  “No, Caro, you’re not like that. You deserve happiness, too. You forgot. There was so much going on. It’s understandable.”

  “No. It is not. What I did is unforgivable.”

  “I wouldn’t go that far—”

  “You should leave.” The deadness in my tone surprised me, and the hurt in Easton’s eyes didn’t help my mood any. I’d been a selfish bitch yesterday and partially because of my infatuation with him.

  “I want to stay.” Easton lifted his chin stubbornly. He wasn’t going anywhere. There was nothing that would defuse the bomb about to go off once the fuse was lit.

  “You don’t belong here. You need to leave.”

  My words were blunt and even cruel. I’d take them back if I could, but it was too late.