Shutout

by Jami Davenport

  “Can we talk?” His tone was unreadable, not giving me a clue as to the subject of this conversation.

  “Uh, sure.”

  “I’ll leave you two to discuss. Kids, help me walk Mona.” Junie glanced from one of us to the other. She helped Hailey and Heath put on their coats, grabbed a leash for Mona, and they were out the door, and we were alone.

  He sat on the barstool, so I sat on the one next to him. After running his hands over his face, Easton met my gaze. “I don’t know how to start this conversation. I think we should see if we can make this work.”

  “This? What do you mean by this?” I wrung my hands together, not sure what he was getting at.

  “You, me, the kids. Being a family.” He reached for my hand again and squeezed it. “We’re in this together whether we like it or not.”

  “We are?” Of course we were. What a stupid question.

  “Yeah, we are. We also have this insane chemistry between us. I’m tired of denying it when you creep into my thoughts no matter how hard I try to keep you out.”

  He crept into my thoughts, too, probably way more than he imagined. “I don’t know.” I wasn’t willing to concede just yet. My husband hadn’t been dead all that long, along with a thousand other reasons this wouldn’t work.

  “At least say you’ll think about it.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  He nodded. “Caro, there are a few other things we need to handle.”

  Here it came. I should’ve known there was a catch. I held my breath while every muscle in my body tensed, preparing me for the worst.

  “I want to adopt the kids, but first we have to tell them I’m their dad. If we don’t do it soon, they may find out by accident. Too many people know. It could get out publicly. Besides, I want them to have my last name, not Mills, and I have that right. And not hyphenated. I can’t do that. I wish I was a big enough man to say I could, but I can’t. They’re my blood.”

  And the hits kept on coming. Easton wanted to adopt the children so they’d have his last name? But then they wouldn’t have Mark’s last name or my last name.

  I was losing my babies, whether I liked it or not. The more legal control Easton had over them, the less I had.

  The kids were already crazy about him. Little by little, they fell deeper under his spell. I, too, struggled to resist his charms, so I didn’t know how two small children would ever be able to resist, nor would they want to once they found out he was their father.

  The other thing I grappled with was trust. I wasn’t certain I trusted him. I’d always had trust issues because of my own parents, who’d made promise after promise and never followed through. How did I know Easton wouldn’t betray me, too? What made me such a good judge of character to think Easton would have my back when it might not be to his advantage to do so?

  I met his gaze with a steady one of my own. “No, I won’t let you adopt them and change their last name. I owe Mark that much.”

  His mouth thinned into a grim line and his jawed tightened. He glared at me, and I glared back. “You’re being unreasonable. I can protect them.”

  “From who? Me?”

  His anger faded to hurt. “You think I’d do that to you?”

  “I don’t know what to think. I’d appreciate it if you’d leave my home.” I stood, holding on to the counter until I had my bearings.

  “Caro, don’t do this.”

  “Don’t do what?”

  “Let’s discuss this. Talk about it.”

  “You’re not adopting them. There’s nothing to discuss. They’re my children.”

  With his face a tense mask, he stood and strode toward the front door. I followed him. With his hand on the knob, he turned and said grimly, “They’re my children, too, Caro. Don’t you forget that. Nothing will stand in my way of being their father. Nothing.”

  I believed him. I also believed I was being the stubborn one, yet I couldn’t help myself. Instead of calling him back for a civil discussion, I let him go.

  The room was empty and lonely the second he left. As if all the joy had been sucked out of it with his final words. He hadn’t delivered a threat, he’d delivered a promise.

  Chapter 28—What I Wanted

  ~~Easton~~

  Right after New Year’s Day, the team left on another road trip, and I was somewhat relieved to get out of town and away from my problems with Caro. The road trip gave me the time to clear my head and study the situation with a logical eye.

  Caro thought I was the enemy, and I was far from the enemy. We both wanted what was best for Hailey and Heath. Couldn’t she see we shouldn’t be at odds?

  I’d gone over and over our argument in my head until I was driving myself crazy. The only time I was able to banish her from my mind was on the ice. Our first away game of the road trip was with New Jersey. We played a hard-fought game but lost by one goal. Afterward the locker room was quiet. We hadn’t played well, and we were mad at ourselves. I’d played like crap, one of my worst games so far as an NHL player. Kaden and Steele hadn’t played any better. In fact, the entire team had been sluggish and uninspired.

  Coach Gorst entered the room, flanked by his assistants. They were all grim-faced. We hung our heads low and waited for the dressing-down to come, and come it did. Gorst laid into us, berated us for sloppy puck handling, careless passes, shots so far off the net we appeared to be shooting for the glass. We deserved it, all of it.

  None of us said a word as Gorst paced the floor and ranted. Not one guy was immune to his anger. He rattled off examples of crappy play by each one of us, not even stopping once to consult his clipboard. He’d committed our transgressions to memory. He stopped to take a breath during his tirade, and you could hear a pin drop in the locker room, except for—

  I took a chance and glanced around the room as did several others.

  What the fuck was that noise?

  “Frontier! Are you snoring?” Coach whipped around and jabbed a finger at the offending player. A few of my teammates snickered and earned a scathing glare from the coach, which shut them up fast.

  All heads turned to our backup goalie, Jacques “Jock” Frontier. He was a seasoned veteran who never caused problems, a real team player, always helping us young guys. Jock jerked to attention.

  “Uh, sorry, Coach.” The man’s face flushed with embarrassment. I can say in all honesty, every one of us was grateful Gorst’s wrath wasn’t focused on us.

  “Sorry? You’re sorry? What the fuck does that mean? You’re sorry you’re not fully engaged with this team enough to listen to what I have to say? You’ve disrespected me, your coaches, your teammates, and yourself.”

  Poor Jock slouched lower on the bench and studied his feet. His face was flushed bright red. I felt sorry for him, but I kept my sympathy to myself. Nobody crossed Gorst when he was in one of his moods.

  Gorst barked out a few more words, then stomped from the locker room with his assistants in tow.

  Next to me, Jock rubbed his eyes. I noticed he had big bags under them. He was one of those quiet guys who was often forgotten. He went about his job and never asked for attention or praise. “Not sleeping?” I asked.

  “I have five little kids. What do you think?”

  “I think sleep would be a luxury.”

  He nodded. “I look forward to road trips.”

  “I can understand that.”

  I didn’t know much about Jock. He was in his late thirties, and he rarely attended team events. His wife didn’t come to any of his games or hang out with the other WAGs, but with five kids, no one questioned her absence. I certainly didn’t.

  “Don’t get me wrong. I love my kids, but it’s hard with that many.”

  “I’m sorry he nailed you like that.”

  “I deserved it.” Jock shrugged. “I hear you’re a new father. How’s that going?” Typical Jock, he took the focus off him and put it on others.

  “It’s going well with the kids, but they don’t know I’m their f
ather yet.”

  “Oh, that’s rough. When are you planning on telling them?”

  “As soon as their mother approves it.” I sounded more irritated than I meant to. Jock arched a brow at me but didn’t say much.

  “You’ll find fatherhood is the most rewarding and most challenging thing you’ve ever done. Playing in the NHL is far easier.”

  “I believe you.”

  “Enjoy every beautiful, frustrating moment. They grow up too fast.”

  “I will. I’ve missed enough as it is.” Once again, bitterness crept into my voice.

  “You might want to get over that attitude before it affects your children. Forgive and move on. They’re here now, and that’s what matters.”

  “I’m trying.”

  “Try harder.” Jock gave me a sad smile and moved to his locker to get out of his gear. I watched him go and wondered how a man with a loving family could be so sad.

  ~~Caroline~~

  The new year was almost three weeks old.

  Nothing was resolved between Easton and me. In fact, he avoided being alone with me as I did him. While we hadn’t discussed it, we appeared to be taking a break from each other, and I couldn’t say if this break was temporary or permanent. I was dealing with a lot of emotional shit, trying to get my head on straight, and I’d started classes at a nearby college.

  I’d backed off and allowed Easton to take the kids without requiring my presence. It was easier on both of us this way. I also gave the school permission for Easton to pick them up after school on occasion. If Hailey and Heath thought it was weird they spent so much time with a friend of the family, they never voiced their concerns.

  Guilt hung over my head like the gray clouds dominating the Seattle skies, and I labored to find the sunshine. Guilt over deceiving my children about Easton. Guilt over betraying my dead husband. Guilt over forgetting Fran and Howard over Christmas. And most of all, heart-wrenching guilt at my weak-willed heart to fall once again for a certain sexy hockey player.

  Today, that hockey player had picked them up for the team’s family skate, something the Sockeyes did a few times a year at the practice facility. He’d invited me, but I’d politely declined, even though part of me really wanted to go. I loved to skate and skating with Easton and my kids would be like a dream come true.

  After they left, I paced the floor until I’d just about driven myself batshit crazy. I fretted about everything, and right now I happened to have a lot to fret about. Stopping in mid-pace, I drew in a breath and let it out slowly. I needed to do something productive.

  My eyes were drawn to my cell resting several feet away on the coffee table. I had the ability to relieve myself of one worry, and I needed to do this one thing.

  With determination, I marched to the phone, picked it up, and called Fran. I’d tried to contact her a few times since Christmas with no luck. Hopefully, I’d get through today.

  The phone rang six times before I heard a hesitant “Hello.”

  “Fran?” I swallowed hard and cleared my throat, hoping I didn’t sound like the basket case I was becoming.

  “Caro.” Fran’s tone was neutral, and I’d take that as a good sign.

  “I’ve been trying to reach you.”

  “I know, honey.”

  Her calling me honey had to be a good thing, and I jumped on it. “I’m so sorry. I miss you and Howard.” My last few words came out as a strangled sob.

  The silence stretched through time and space. I glanced at my display to assure myself she hadn’t hung up. She was still connected.

  “Fran?” I said in a shaky voice.

  “I’m sorry too. I had to take a little time to sort out my feelings. The funny thing is I was going to call you this morning.”

  Finally, she’d spoken, and I flopped onto the couch because my knees refused to hold me upright. “I can’t express how sorry I am. I never meant to hurt either of you. I had so much going on and—”

  “It’s okay, Caro. I was as much to blame as you. I immediately jumped to conclusions, out with the old, in with the new. That sort of thing. Howard and I struggle every day with losing Mark. I panicked when I thought I was losing you guys too. Let’s forget about it and move on, shall we?”

  “Yes, please. I love you, Fran.”

  “I love you, too, my sweet girl.”

  My heart soared as some of the burden was lifted from my weary soul. I’d fixed one thing going wrong in my life, now if I could figure out what to do about the rest…

  We talked for a while about the new dog, Hailey’s pony lessons, and my classes. I avoided the subject of Easton. Gratefully, Fran didn’t bring him up either. When we finally ended the call, we both made a promise to speak tomorrow so Fran and Howard could talk to the kids.

  After I ended the call, I realized Junie was sitting in the recliner. I hadn’t noticed when she’d come into the room.

  “Fran?” she asked.

  “Yes, everything is good.”

  “I’m relieved.”

  “Am I being unreasonable, Junie?” I asked, bringing up a subject that had been on my mind for a few weeks.

  “About what?” She glanced up from her phone. She’d been secretively texting someone quite a bit lately. As much as I wanted to pry, I didn’t.

  “Easton wanting to adopt Heath and Hailey.”

  Junie blinked a few times and squinted at me. She’d expected more conversation about Fran and Howard, and I’d done an end run on her. “You’re being emotional, but changing your kids’ last name and him legally adopting them is an emotional thing. It’s permanent.”

  “But am I wrong?”

  “I don’t see it as right or wrong. Mark was in those kids’ lives for six years. Easton will be in their lives for the rest of his life. That’s a lot more than six years.”

  “You think I should let him change their last name?”

  “I think you should think long and hard about the decision. Did you talk to Fran and Howard about it?”

  “Oh, God, no. Not when I’m finally in their good graces again.”

  “You might want to see what they have to say about it,” Junie suggested.

  “Mark wouldn’t have wanted it changed. It’d be like wiping out the last piece left of him.”

  “No, it wouldn’t be. They’d still have their memories, and I know you. You’ll make sure they remember him.”

  “If I changed it, then I wouldn’t have the same last name as them.”

  “Is this about Mark or you?” Junie stared pointedly at me, and she might have hit the nail on the head. Was I being selfish and using Mark as an excuse?

  “I don’t trust Easton. What if he’s trying to steal my children from me?”

  “Are you listening to yourself?” Junie rolled her eyes and snorted. “Are you serious? I know he’s not, and I don’t know him nearly as well as you do. He’s a good person, Caro. Why would he do something so damaging to you and the kids?”

  Again, she was right, and I knew it. “I do miss him.”

  “I know you do.”

  “These past few weeks without him have been hell, but I’ve hurt him, too.”

  “Tell him you’re sorry.”

  “I don’t know where to start,” I sighed.

  “I know where you can start.” She beamed as if she were the brightest best friend in the world.

  “And where would that be?”

  “Join him at the family skate.”

  “I don’t know if I should,” I hedged.

  “I think you should.”

  “I don’t know where my skates are.”

  “You’re too organized not to know where they are.”

  Junie shot down every argument I had. She was right. I did know where my skates were. I also knew in my heart where I wanted to be and who I wanted to be doing it with.

  I didn’t know if the four of us would ever be a family, but I had to try, not just for the kids but for Easton and me. I owed myself that much. Mark was gone, and he wasn’t
coming back. This was my life now, and I had to stop living for someone who wasn’t here anymore. My guilt over what happened was misplaced. I’d been a good wife, and he’d been a good husband. We hadn’t been in love, and looking back, I don’t know if we would’ve lasted over the long haul.

  Easton and I had something special. We always had.

  I needed to give us a chance.

  ~~Easton~~

  My new year was starting out crappy.

  On New Year’s Eve, I’d joined the Puck Brothers, but no amount of alcohol dulled the pain inside me. I still had my kids, but I didn’t have Caro. I didn’t realize until that very moment how much that hurt. She didn’t feel the same. She didn’t trust me. She assumed the worst of me. She should know me better than that, but obviously we hadn’t come very far since we’d reunited.

  I insisted on time with the kids, and rather than being subjected to my company, she conceded by allowing me to take them on my own. We had fun together, yet I missed her. I guess I’d harbored hope we’d form a family together.

  Now I was at the family skate at the practice facility on the third Saturday in January with the twins. We sat on a row of bleachers while I laced up Hailey’s figure skates, making sure they were tight enough to offer proper support. Heath insisted on doing his own, but I checked them afterward and did some minor adjustments. He was wide-eyed as he watched the skaters on the ice. Several of my teammates skated by with their kids. Even guys without kids were there, enjoying skating for the pure joy of it. All of us lived to skate, or we wouldn’t be hockey players.

  This was my first somewhat public outing with my kids, and I had cautioned my teammates not to mention I was their father. I hoped everyone remembered, but if they didn’t, I’d deal with the fallout if I had to.

  Straightening, I stood and reached for their hands. Hailey took mine and rose to her feet. She was fucking adorable in the pink skating outfit she’d insisted on wearing. Heath, on the other hand, wore the jersey I’d previously bought him. My heart swelled with pride seeing him in it, just as it had that first time I’d laid eyes on him. They were mine, and I was their dad. I would always be their protector, their port in a storm, and the guy who had their back.