A Deal in Wheat and Other Stories of the New and Old West

by Frank Norris

  TWO HEARTS THAT BEAT AS ONE

  "Which I puts it up as how you ain't never heard about that time thatHardenberg and Strokher--the Englisher--had a friendly go with bareknuckles--ten rounds it was--all along o' a feemale woman?"

  It is a small world and I had just found out that my friend, BuntMcBride--horse-wrangler, miner, faro-dealer and bone-gatherer--whoseworld was the plains and ranges of the Great Southwest, was known of theThree Black Crows, Hardenberg, Strokher and Ally Bazan, and had evenforegathered with them on more than one of their ventures for CyrusRyder's Exploitation Agency--ventures that had nothing of the desert inthem, but that involved the sea, and the schooner, and the taste of thegreat-lunged canorous trades.

  "Ye ain't never crossed the trail o' that mournful history?"

  I professed my ignorance and said:

  "They fought?"

  "Mister Man," returned Bunt soberly, as one broaching a subject not tobe trifled with, "They sure did. Friendly-like, y'know--like as how twohigh-steppin', sassy gents figures out to settle any little strainedrelations--friendly-like but considerable keen."

  He took a pinch of tobacco from his pouch and a bit of paper and rolleda cigarette in the twinkling of an eye, using only one hand, in trueMexican style.

  "Now," he said, as he drew the first long puff to the very bottom of theleathern valves he calls his lungs. "Now, I'm a-goin' for to relate thatsame painful proceedin' to you, just so as you kin get a line on theconsumin' and devourin' foolishness o' male humans when they's a womanin the wind. Woman," said Bunt, wagging his head thoughtfully at thewater, "woman is a weather-breeder. Mister Dixon, they is three thingsI'm skeered of. The last two I don't just rightly call to mind at thismoment, but the first is woman. When I meets up with a feemale woman onmy trail, I sheers off some prompt, Mr. Dixon; I sheers off. An'Hardenberg," he added irrelevantly, "would a-took an' married thiswoman, so he would. Yes, an' Strokher would, too."

  "Was there another man?" I asked.

  "No," said Bunt. Then he began to chuckle behind his mustaches. "Yes,they was." He smote a thigh. "They sure was another man for fair. Well,now, Mr. Man, lemmee tell you the whole '_how_.'

  "It began with me bein' took into a wild-eyed scheme that that maverick,Cy Ryder, had cooked up for the Three Crows. They was a row downGortamalar way. Same gesabe named Palachi--Barreto Palachi--findin'times dull an' the boys some off their feed, ups an' says to hisself,'Exercise is wot I needs. I will now take an' overthrow the blameGover'ment.' Well, this same Palachi rounds up a bunch o' _insurrectos_an' begins pesterin' an' badgerin' an' hectorin' the Gover'ment; an'r'arin' round an' bellerin' an' makin' a procession of hisself, till hesure pervades the landscape; an' before you knows what, lo'n beholt,here's a reel live Revolution-Thing cayoodlin' in the scenery, an' theGover'ment is plum bothered.

  "They rounds up the gesabe at last at a place on the coast, but heescapes as easy as how-do-you-do. He can't, howsomever, git back to his_insurrectos_; the blame Gover'ment being in possession of all thetrails leadin' into the hinterland; so says he, 'What for a game wouldit be for me to hyke up to 'Frisco an' git in touch with my financialbackers an' conspirate to smuggle down a load o' arms?' Which the samehe does, and there's where the Three Black Crows an' me begin to take ahand.

  "Cy Ryder gives us the job o' taking the schooner down to a certainpoint on the Gortamalar coast and there delivering to the agent o' thegazabo three thousand stand o' forty-eight Winchesters.

  "When we gits this far into the game Ryder ups and says:

  "'Boys, here's where I cashes right in. You sets right to me for theschooner and the cargo. But you goes to Palachi's agent over 'crost thebay for instructions and directions.'

  "'But,' says the Englisher, Strokher, 'this bettin' a blind play don'tsuit our hand. Why not' says he, 'make right up to Mister Palachihisself?'

  "'No,' says Ryder, 'No, boys. Ye can't. The Signor is lying as low as atoad in a wheeltrack these days, because o' the pryin' and meddlin'disposition o' the local authorities. No,' he says, 'ye must have yourpalaver with the agent which she is a woman,' an' thereon I groans lowand despairin'.

  "So soon as he mentions 'feemale' I _knowed_ trouble was in theatmosphere. An' right there is where I sure looses my presence o' mind.What I should a-done was to say, 'Mister Ryder, Hardenberg and gentsall: You're good boys an' you drinks and deals fair, an' I loves you allwith a love that can never, never die for the terms o' your naturallives, an' may God have mercy on your souls; _but_ I ain't keepin' caseon this 'ere game no longer. Woman and me is mules an' music. We ain'tnever made to ride in the same go-cart Good-by.' That-all is wot Ishould ha' said. But I didn't. I walked right plum into the sloo, likethe mudhead that I was, an' got mired for fair--jes as I might a-knowedI would.

  "Well, Ryder gives us a address over across the bay an' we fair hykesover there all along o' as crool a rain as ever killed crops. We findsthe place after awhile, a lodgin'-house all lorn and loony, set down allby itself in the middle o' some real estate extension like a tepee in a'barren'--a crazy 'modern' house all gimcrack and woodwork and frostin',with never another place in so far as you could hear a coyote yelp.

  "Well, we bucks right up an' asks o' the party at the door if theSignorita Esperanza Ulivarri--that was who Ryder had told us to askfor--might be concealed about the premises, an' we shows Cy Ryder'snote. The party that opened the door was a Greaser, the worst looking Iever clapped eyes on--looked like the kind wot 'ud steal the coppers offhis dead grandmother's eyes. Anyhow, he says to come in, gruff-like, an'to wait, _poco tiempo_.

  "Well, we waited _moucho tiempo--muy moucho_, all a-settin' on the edgeof the sofy, with our hats on our knees, like philly-loo birds on arail, and a-countin' of the patterns in the wall-paper to pass the timealong. An' Hardenberg, who's got to do the talkin', gets the fidgetsbyne-by; and because he's only restin' the toes o' his feet on thefloor, his knees begin jiggerin'; an' along o' watchin' him, _my_ kneesbegin to go, an' then Strokher's and then Ally Bazan's. An' there we satall in a row and jiggered an' jiggered. Great snakes, it makes me sickto the stummick to think o' the idjeets we were.

  "Then after a long time we hears a rustle o' silk petticoats, an' we allgrabs holt o' one another an' looks scared-like, out from under oureyebrows. An' then--then, Mister Man, they walks into that bunk-houseparlour the loveliest-lookin' young feemale woman that ever wore hair.

  "She was lovelier than Mary Anderson; she was lovelier than Lotta. Shewas tall, an' black-haired, and had a eye ... well, I dunno; when shegave you the littlest flicker o' that same eye, you felt it was abouttime to take an' lie right down an' say, 'I would esteem it, ma'am, asure smart favour if you was to take an' wipe your boots on mywaistcoat, jus' so's you could hear my heart a-beatin'. That's the kindo' feemale woman _she_ was.

  "Well, when Hardenberg had caught his second wind, we begins to talkbusiness.

  "'An' you're to take a passenger back with you,' says Esperanza afterawhile.

  "'What for a passenger might it be?' says Hardenberg.

  "She fished out her calling-card at that and tore it in two an' gaveHardenberg one-half.

  "'It's the party,' she says, 'that'll come aboard off San Diego on yourway down an' who will show up the other half o' the card--the half Ihave here an' which the same I'm goin' to mail to him. An' you be surethe halves fit before you let him come aboard. An' when that party comesaboard,' she says, 'he's to take over charge.'

  "'Very good,' says Hardenberg, mincing an' silly like a chessy catlappin' cream. 'Very good, ma'am; your orders shall be obeyed.' He suresaid it just like that, as if he spoke out o' a story-book. An' I kickedhim under the table for it.

  "Then we palavers a whole lot an' settles the way the thing is to berun, an' fin'ly, when we'd got as far as could be that day, theSignorita stood up an' says:

  "'Now me good fellows.' 'Twas Spanish she spoke. 'Now, me good fellows,you must drink a drink with me.' She herds us all up into thedining-room and fetches out--not whisky, mind you--but a great,
fat,green-and-gold bottle o' champagne, an' when Ally Bazan has fired itoff, she fills our glasses--dinky little flat glasses that looked likeflower vases. Then she stands up there before us, fine an' tall, all inblack silk, an' puts her glass up high an' sings out----

  "'To the Revolution!'

  "An' we all solemn-like says, 'To the Revolution,' an' crooks ourelbows. When we-all comes to, about half an hour later, we're in thestreet outside, havin' jus' said good-by to the Signorita. We-all aresome quiet the first block or so, and then Hardenberg says--stoppin'dead in his tracks:

  "'I pauses to remark that when a certain young feemale party havin'black hair an' a killin' eye gets good an' ready to travel up the centreaisle of a church, I know the gent to show her the way, which he is sixfeet one in his stocking-feet, some freckled across the nose, an' shootswith both hands.'

  "'Which the same observations,' speaks up Strokher, twirlin' his yellerlady-killer, 'which the same observations,' he says, 'has my heartyindorsement an' cooperation savin' in the particular of the descriptiono' the gent. The gent is five foot eleven high, three feet thick, is theonly son of my mother, an' has yeller mustaches and a buck tooth.'

  "'He don't qualify,' puts in Hardenberg. 'First, because he's aEnglisher, and second, because he's up again a American--and besides, hehas a tooth that's bucked.'

  "'Buck or no buck,' flares out Strokher, 'wot might be the meanin' o'that remark consernin' being a Englisher?'

  "'The fact o' his bein' English,' says Hardenberg, 'is only half thehoe-handle. 'Tother half being the fact that the first-named gent is allAmerican. No Yank ain't never took no dust from aft a Englisher, whetherit were war, walkin'-matches, or women.'

  "'But they's a Englisher,' sings out Strokher, 'not forty miles fromhere as can nick the nose o' a freckled Yank if so be occasion require.'

  "Now ain't that plum foolish-like," observed Bunt, philosophically."Ain't it plum foolish-like o' them two gesabes to go flyin' up in theair like two he-hens on a hot plate--for nothin' in the world butbecause a neat lookin' feemale woman has looked at 'em some soft?

  "Well, naturally, we others--Ally Bazan an' me--we others throws it into'em pretty strong about bein' more kinds of blame fools than a pup witha bug; an' they simmers down some, but along o' the way home I kin seeas how they're a-glarin' at each other, an' a-drawin' theirselves upproud-like an' presumptchoous, an' I groans again, not loud but deep, asthe Good Book says.

  "We has two or three more palavers with the Signorita Esperanza andstacks the deck to beat the harbor police and the Customs people an'all, an' to nip down the coast with our contraband. An' each time wechins with the Signorita there's them two locoes steppin' and sidle'n'around her, actin' that silly-like that me and Ally Bazan takes an'beats our heads agin' the walls so soon as we're alone just becausewe're that pizen mortified.

  "Fin'ly comes the last talky-talk an' we're to sail away next day an'mebbee snatch the little Joker through or be took an' hung by the _CostaGuardas_.

  "An' 'Good-by,' says Hardenberg to Esperanza, in a faintin', die-awayvoice like a kitten with a cold. 'An' ain't we goin' to meet no more?'

  "'I sure hopes as much,' puts in Strokher, smirkin' so's you'd think hewas a he-milliner sellin' a bonnet. 'I hope,' says he, 'our delightfulacquaintanceship ain't a-goin' for to end abrupt this-a-way.'

  "'Oh, you nice, big Mister Men,' pipes up the Signorita in English, 'wewill meet down there in Gortamalar soon again, yes, because I go down bythe vapour carriages to-morrow.'

  "'Unprotected, too,' says Hardenberg, waggin' his fool head. 'An' soyoung!'

  "Holy Geronimo! I don't know what more fool drivelin' they had, but theyfin'ly comes away. Ally Bazan and me rounds 'em up and conducts 'em tothe boat an' puts 'em to bed like as if they was little--or drunk, an'the next day--or next night, rather--about one o'clock, we slips theheel ropes and hobbles o' the schooner quiet as a mountain-lion stalkinga buck, and catches the out-tide through the gate o' the bay. Lord, wewas some keyed up, lemmee tell you, an' Ally Bazan and Hardenberg was atthe fore end o' the boat with their guns ready in case o' bein' askedimpert'nent questions by the patrol-boats.

  "Well, how-some-ever, we nips out with the little Jokers (they was writin the manifest as minin' pumps) an' starts south. This 'ere _pasear_down to Gortamalar is the first time I goes a-gallying about on what theThree Crows calls 'blue water'; and when that schooner hit the bar Ibegins to remember that my stummick and inside arrangements ain't madeo' no chilled steel, nor yet o' rawhide. First I gits plum sad, andshivery, and I feels as mean an' pore as a prairie-dog w'ich 'as eat ahorned toad back'ards. I goes to Ally Bazan and gives it out as how I'mgoing for to die, an' I puts it up that I'm sure sad and depressed-like;an' don't care much about life nohow; an' that present surroundin's lackthat certain undescribable charm. I tells him that I _knows_ the ship isgoin' to sink afore we git over the bar. Waves!--they was higher'n themasts; and I've rode some fair lively sun-fishers in my time, but Iain't never struck anythin' like the r'arin' and buckin' andhigh-an'-lofty tumblin' that that same boat went through with thosefirst few hours after we had come out.

  "But Ally Bazan tells me to go downstairs in the boat an' lie up quiet,an' byne-by I do feel better. By next day I kin sit up and take solidfood again. An' then's when I takes special notice o' the everlastin'foolishness o' Strokner and Hardenberg.

  "You'd a thought each one o' them two mush-heads was tryin' to act thepart of a ole cow which has had her calf took. They goes a-moonin' aboutthe boat that mournful it 'ud make you yell jus' out o' sheernervousness. First one 'ud up an' hold his head on his hand an' lean onthe fence-rail that ran around the boat, and sigh till he'd raise hispants clean outa the top o' his boots. An' then the other 'ud go off inanother part o' the boat an' _he'd_ sigh an' moon an' take on fit tosicken a coyote.

  "But byne-by--we're mebbee six days to the good o' 'Frisco--byne-by theytwo gits kind o' sassy along o' each t'other, an' they has aheart-to-heart talk and puts it up as how either one o' 'em 'ud stand towin so only the t'other was out o' the game.

  "'It's double or nothing,' says Hardenberg, who is somethin' o' a cardsharp, 'for either you or me, Stroke; an' if you're agreeable I'll playyou a round o' jacks for the chance at the Signorita--the loser to pullout o' the running for good an' all.'

  "No, Strokher don't come in on no such game, he says. He wins her, hesays, as a man, and not as no poker player. No, nor he won't throw nodice for the chance o' winnin' Esperanza, nor he won't flip no coin, noryet 'rastle. 'But,' says he all of a sudden, 'I'll tell you which I'lldo. You're a big, thick, strappin' hulk o' a two-fisted dray-horse,Hardie, an' I ain't no effete an' digenerate one-lunger myself. Here'swot I propose--that we-all takes an' lays out a sixteen-foot ring on thequarterdeck, an' that the raw-boned Yank and the stodgy Englisher stripsto the waist, an' all-friendly-like, settles the question by Queensburyrules an' may the best man win.'

  "Hardenberg looks him over.

  "'An' wot might be your weight?' says he. 'I don't figure on hurtin' ofyou, if so be you're below my class.'

  "'I fights at a hunder and seventy,' says Strokher.

  "'An' me,' says Hardenberg, 'at a hunder an' seventy-five. We'rematched.'

  "'Is it a go?' inquires Strokher.

  "'You bet your great-gran'mammy's tortis-shell chessy cat it's a go,'says Hardenberg, prompt as a hop-frog catching flies.

  "We don't lose no time trying to reason with 'em, for they is sure keenon havin' the go. So we lays out a ring by the rear end o' the deck, an'runs the schooner in till we're in the lee o' the land, an' she ridin'steady on her pins.

  "Then along o' about four o'clock on a fine still day we lays the boatto, as they say, an' folds up the sail, an' havin' scattered resin inthe ring (which it ain't no ring, but a square o' ropes on posts), wesays all is ready.

  "Ally Bazan, he's referee, an' me, I'm the time-keeper which I has toring the ship's bell every three minutes to let 'em know to quit an'that the round is over.

  "We gets 'em in
to the ring, each in his own corner, squattin' on abucket, the time-keeper bein' second to Hardenberg an' the referee beingsecond to Strokher. An' then, after they has shuk hands, I climbs up on'the chicken-coop an' hollers 'Time' an' they begins.

  "Mister Man, I've saw Tim Henan at his best, an' I've saw Sayres when hewas a top-notcher, an' likewise several other irregler boxin' sharpsthat were sure tough tarriers. Also I've saw two short-horn bullsarguin' about a question o' leadership, but so help me Bob--the fight Isaw that day made the others look like a young ladies' quadrille. Oh, Iain't goin' to tell o' that mill in detail, nor by rounds. Rounds! Afterthe first five minutes they _wa'n't_ no rounds. I rung the blame belltill I rung her loose an' Ally Bazan yells 'break-away' an' 'time's up'till he's black in the face, but you could no more separate them twothan you could put the brakes on a blame earthquake.

  "At about suppertime we pulled 'em apart. We could do it by then, theywas both so gone; an' jammed each one o' 'em down in their corners. Irings my bell good an' plenty, an' Ally Bazan stands up on a bucket inthe middle o' the ring an' says:

  "'I declare this 'ere glove contest a draw.'

  "An' draw it sure was. They fit for two hours stiddy an' never a one gotno better o' the other. They give each other lick for lick as fast an'as steady as they could stand to it. 'Rastlin', borin' in, boxin'--allwas alike. The one was just as good as t'other. An' both willin' to thevery last.

  "When Ally Bazan calls it a draw, they gits up and wobbles toward eachother an' shakes hands, and Hardenberg he says:

  "'Stroke, I thanks you a whole lot for as neat a go as ever I mixed in.'

  "An' Strokher answers up:

  "'Hardie, I loves you better'n ever. You'se the first man I've met upwith which I couldn't do for--an' I've met up with some scraggypropositions in my time, too.'

  "Well, they two is a sorry-lookin' pair o' birds by the time we runsinto San Diego harbour next night. They was fine lookin' objects forfair, all bruises and bumps. You remember now we was to take on a partyat San Diego who was to show t'other half o' Esperanza's card, an'thereafterward to boss the job.

  "Well, we waits till nightfall an' then slides in an' lays to off acertain pile o' stone, an' shows two green lights and one white everythree and a half minutes for half a hour--this being a signal.

  "They is a moon, an' we kin see pretty well. After we'd signaled about ahour, mebbee, we gits the answer--a one-minute green flare, andthereafterward we makes out a rowboat putting out and comin' towards us.They is two people in the boat. One is the gesabe at the oars an' theother a party sitting in the hinder end.

  "Ally Bazan an' me, an' Strokher an' Hardenberg, we's all leanin' overthe fence a-watchin'; when all to once I ups an' groans some sad. Theparty in the hinder end o' the boat bein' feemale.

  "'Ain't we never goin' to git shut of 'em?' says I; but the words ain'tno more'n off my teeth when Strokher pipes up:

  "'It's _she_,' says he, gaspin' as though shot hard.

  "'Wot!' cries Hardenberg, sort of mystified, 'Oh, I'm sure a-dreamin'!he says, just that silly-like.

  "'An' the mugs we've got!' says Strokher.

  "An' they both sets to swearin' and cussin' to beat all I ever heard.

  "'I can't let her see me so bunged up,' says Hardenberg, doleful-like,'Oh, whatever is to be done?'

  "'An' _I_ look like a real genuine blown-in-the-bottle pug,' whimpersStrokher. 'Never mind,' says he, 'we must face the music. We'll tell herthese are sure honourable scars, got because we fit for her.'

  "Well, the boat comes up an' the feemale party jumps out and comes upthe let-down stairway, onto the deck. Without sayin' a word she handsHardenberg the half o' the card and he fishes out his half an' matchesthe two by the light o' a lantern.

  "By this time the rowboat has gone a little ways off, an' then at lastHardenberg says:

  "'Welkum aboard, Signorita.'

  "And Strokher cuts in with----

  "'We thought it was to be a man that 'ud join us here to take command,but _you_,' he says--an' oh, butter wouldn't a-melted in his mouth--'But_you_ he says, 'is always our mistress.

  "'Very right, _bueno_. Me good fellows,' says the Signorita, 'but don'tyou be afraid that they's no man is at the head o' this business.' An'with that the party chucks off hat an' skirts, _and I'll be Mexican ifit wa'n't a man after all!_

  "'I'm the Signor Barreto Palachi, gentlemen,' says he. 'The gringopolice who wanted for to arrest me made the disguise necessary.Gentlemen, I regret to have been obliged to deceive such gallant_compadres_; but war knows no law.'

  "Hardenberg and Strokher gives one look at the Signor and another attheir own spiled faces, then:

  "'Come back here with the boat!' roars Hardenberg over the side, andwith that--(upon me word you'd a-thought they two both were moved withthe same spring)--over they goes into the water and strikes out handsover hands for the boat as hard as ever they kin lay to it. The boatmeets 'em--Lord knows what the party at the oars thought--they climbs inan' the last I sees of 'em they was puttin' for shore--each havin' takena oar from the boatman, an' they sure was makin' that boat _hum_.

  "Well, we sails away eventually without 'em; an' a year or moreafterward I crosses their trail again in Cy Ryder's office in 'Frisco."

  "Did you ask them about it all?" said I.

  "Mister Man," observed Bunt. "I'm several kinds of a fool; I know it.But sometimes I'm wise. I wishes for to live as long as I can, an' diewhen I can't help it. I does _not_, neither there, nor thereafterward,ever make no joke, nor yet no alloosion about, or concerning theSignorita Esperanza Palachi in the hearin' o' Hardenberg an' Strokher.I've seen--(ye remember)--both those boys use their fists--an' likewiseHardenberg, as he says hisself, shoots with both hands."