Four Summers

by Nyrae Dawn

  Brandon gets to his feet. “My problem is we’re here because of you. We had to move because of you. You fucked everything up!” Just like that, he’s gone. I sink down to the porch stairs, knowing everything he just said is right, but it’s the first time he’s actually said it to me.

  I feel like hitting something. Slamming my fist into something as hard as the guilt pummels me. I screwed up getting Chrissy to meet Adam. I pushed her to tell when she didn’t want to and then I screwed up my family’s life, too.

  “Hey.” Charlotte steps around the side of the house.

  I’m looking at the ground, trying to calm down. “Hey.”

  “So…your brother just totally lost it.”

  I almost laugh and I’m pretty sure that’s what she wants me to do.

  Charlotte stands in front of me for what feels like forever before she asks, “Wanna go for a hike?”

  I risk looking up at her. She has this soft sort of smile on her face like she’s unsure of herself. I don’t know what she thinks there is to be unsure of. She knows I’ll go with her. I’m always down to do anything with her.

  “Don’t you have to work?”

  “It’s under control.”

  I stand up and step closer to her. She’s not as tanned as I remember from last year, but that’s probably because it’s so early in the summer. She’s wearing another pink tank top, only this one is darker, and it makes me want to smile because I don’t think I saw her in anything pink before. She used to make fun of Sadie for wearing it.

  I also notice her neck is bare, not that I can blame her. Why would she want to wear the necklace I gave her when I was such a prick for six months?

  “Sure. Want me to grab us something for lunch?” Just looking at her makes me a little out of breath and then that makes me feel like a douchebag.

  “I’ll take care of it.”

  Charlotte jogs off, around the back of her house and heads in the side door, staying far away from the store up front where her mom and sister work so often. It takes her less than five minutes to come back out with a backpack on and her hair tied up in a knot.

  “Come on,” she says, moving briskly. We head up the trail between her house and the cabins.

  We walk through the field where everyone played night games a summer ago and hang a left up a path winding up the mountain. It isn't too steep, and the trail is worn from the feet of many others who have taken this same route.

  “I feel like a pussy.”

  “Ugh! I hate that word. Why do guys use it like that?”

  I shrug. “Sorry. I feel like a wuss. Like you’re riding to my rescue or something.”

  We’re walking side by side and she slows down a little. “Girls can’t ride to a guy’s rescue?”

  “No, no. They can. It just makes us feel like pu—I mean, wusses.”

  “You’re different. Than you were, I mean,” she blurts out before speeding up again. I think she’s trying to get away from me because of what she said.

  Those words percolate around inside of me for a minute. I am different. I know it, but I don’t want to seem different to her. For better or for worse, I actually liked the way she seemed to need me last summer. Like I gave her something that no one else did, but now I'm the one who needs her. The thought makes my muscles tighten.

  “I don’t want to be different. Not with you at least.”

  She stumbles a little at my words. I grab her hand to steady her. I think about what it was like to hold her last night and I’m not sure I want to let go. Still, my hand pulls back. I’m not sure I have the right to hold her for no reason like that.

  “Tell me how I’ve changed.” It’s not like I don’t know, but it’s different hearing it from her.

  “You curse more,” she says. “And you’re quieter.” She pauses and continues onward, and I know she’s working through whatever she has to say. She did that summer. I always wondered if it was because everyone just assumed everything about her instead of asking her opinion and listening to what she had to say.

  Finally she continues, “Last year when we were quiet…it felt okay. Like it wasn’t a big deal because words aren't always necessary. Now, when you’re silent, it’s feels like you have too much on your mind to talk.”

  This time it’s me who stumbles. How does she always know the thoughts going through my head, sometimes even better than I do?

  I don’t want to be too sad to talk when I’m with her. “I’m okay,” I tell her because I want to be and it makes me feel weak to say anything else. I don’t know why I get sad sometimes. I mean, I guess I do because of what happened, but I don’t know if it should still weigh down on me like it does. Then, I feel like shit for thinking that way because Chrissy has to still be dealing with it, right?

  “You also didn’t lie last year.” She smirks and then I do the same.

  “Whatever.” The air around us isn’t has heavy as it was. I wrap an arm around her shoulders and pull her to me playfully.

  Charlotte laughs as we keep going up the mountain, but then she whispers, “You didn’t fake it last year either.”

  I don’t have to fake when I’m with you, I almost tell her, but it sounds too cheesy.

  We hike for about an hour before we find a place to have lunch. I open Charlotte’s bag and see it’s packed with sandwiches, water bottles, and a blanket. Geez, I should have packed the food and I definitely should have carried the bag.

  “You should have let me carry the pack up here.” Trying not to look at her, I lay the blanket down.

  “Why?” she asks and those words draw my eyes to hers. I can tell she really doesn’t get why I would want to carry the bag. Little things like that are my favorite aspects of Charlotte. She doesn't rely on anyone.

  “I don’t know. You just should have.”

  “I’ll remember that.” A small grin tips one side of her mouth up.

  “You’ve changed, too.” We sit down and I open the lunch bag and give her a sandwich before grabbing one for myself.

  “Yeah, right.” Charlotte rolls her eyes. “I’ll always be the same old Charlie Rae Gates. I’ll spend my life in Lakeland Village, take it over, and Alec will work with me. If you ask our parents, we’ll probably even get married one day—”

  “—What? You’re planning on marrying Alec? Did you forget you’re sixteen?” Plus, Alec? I don’t want her to buy into all the crap that people expect to happen.

  She shrugs. “Probably.”

  I toss my sandwich down. “I thought you said you guys were just friends.”

  She sighs and takes a drink of her water. “We are. You just don’t get it. He’ll be here. I’ll be here. He loves The Village.”

  “But you don’t have to be here, Char.”

  I don’t realize I used the nickname until I see a quick flash of what almost looks like panic in her eyes, though I’m not sure why she could panic over that. Maybe just because it’s the first time I used it.

  “You don’t understand, Nathaniel. Never mind. I don’t want to talk about it with you.”

  “Whatever,” I reply. And I think both of us know that’s the end of our hike for today.

  Almost the second we come through the clearing and up to the main part of The Village, Mr. Gates and Alec look up at us from where they're fueling the boats. One look and I can tell her dad is pissed.

  “Charlie Rae Gates! You better have a good excuse why you disappeared when you knew I needed your help today. Your mom and you sister are both gone and Alec was supposed to have the day off.”

  My gut sinks. She bailed on work because of me. Knew she’d get in trouble, but she did it for me.

  “I’m sorry. I just—”

  “There is no just about it!” Mr. Gates interrupts. “You know I depend on you. It’s not like you to skirt your responsibility like this. I’m extremely disappointed in you.”

  “It’s my fault.” I hope like hell a lie will come to me quickly, and it does. “I got lost up on the mountain…and I call
ed my brother’s phone, but I guess he left it and Charlot—I mean, Charlie found it. She came up and showed me the way down.” It feels strange to call her Charlie, but I have a feeling it’s the best thing to do around her dad.

  “You got lost?” Alec tries to hide his laugh. I’ve never felt like punching him as much as I do right now. He’ll be here, I’ll be here…

  Her dad gives me the evil eye. “I’m sorry, sir. It won’t happen again. I can help you guys out, if there’s anything I can do.”

  Charlotte looks at me. “You can help me with—”“No. That’s not necessary. We can’t put you to work. You’re a guest,” her dad says, but it feels like there’s more to it than that. I almost tell him I’ve helped her before, when he wasn’t around, but I don’t want her to get into more trouble.

  “Come on, Charlie. We have work to do.” Mr. Gates turns around and leaves, but not Alec, he walks right up to Charlotte, grabs her hand, and starts to walk away with her.

  “Bye,” she blurts out over her shoulder. Still, she lets him lead her away.

  Last year my parents made us go to some Fourth of July celebration with them, but this year, they’ve decided to stay at the cabin. I’ve held back a million times from telling them I thought this was supposed to be a family vacation, but it’s not like I really want to spend all sorts of extra time bonding anyway.

  Brandon talked our parents into letting us take the car to town for the carnival. I’m not sure why he wants to go anyway. Sadie still gives him the evil eye whenever we’re around her. She’s still with whoever the guy is, but it doesn’t seem to bother him. I think she’s surprised he hasn’t come crawling back to her—I honestly am, too—but since he’s suddenly playing football with Alec and his friends again, I guess he doesn’t care about anything else.

  “You haven’t been sneaking out the past few weeks.” Brandon takes a right turn to get onto the windy road that takes us to town.

  “Thanks for telling me. I thought I had.” I don’t want to talk to him about Charlotte. He wouldn’t get it. He’s still always giving me shit about screwing her. It’s not like I can make him see that we’re just friends. It’s also not like he’d understand why things are awkward with us. Hell, I’m not even sure I get it.

  “What’s up with you and her?”

  Damn, what is this? I don’t get why he wants to start talking all of a sudden. We’ve never talked about girls before. “What’s up with you and Sadie?”

  “I think it’s pretty obvious that nothing is. Whatever. Be a douchebag. I was just trying to talk.”

  For a second I wonder if that means he needs to talk to me about something. It doesn’t take a genius to see something went down. Especially when you factor in he hasn’t really been seeing any girls since. Did Sadie somehow break my brother’s heart? Doesn’t seem likely, especially since he’s the one who ignored her. Plus, he doesn’t really seem to care about her, but I don’t know what else it would be.

  “Brandon—”

  “Shut up.” He turns up the music, so look out the window, hoping things don’t ever get screwed up enough with Charlotte that we can’t be friends.

  It doesn’t take us long to get there, because Lakeland Village is so damn small. I’m shocked to see how many people are here though. The biggest group I’ve seen in the past two years is at the bash Charlotte’s family throws at the beginning of the summer and it’s nothing compared to this.

  We park the car and buy wristbands before going inside. Brandon pulls out his phone and texts. It’s only a few seconds later he gets a reply and says, “Everyone’s over by the Ferris Wheel. They’re waiting.”

  “Why do you want to hang out with them so much since you and Sadie don’t get along?”

  Brandon shrugs. “Because the only alternative is only hanging out with my brother or parents all summer and that makes me feel like a loser. Plus, Alec’s cool. He’s a kickass running back.”

  “He’s pretty good at being a prick too.”

  Brandon just shakes his head at me as though I’m being stupid.

  There’s a big group of people waiting right where Alec told Brandon they’d be. Sadie with her boyfriend, Alec, Charlotte, and a few more girls and guys that I’ve seen around a lot since last year.

  “Hey,” I say to everyone as we approach. Brandon fist bumps the guys and I nod at them. Charlotte is off to the side, behind Alec, and I look over at her, but her eyes are steering clear of me. What a way to put me in a shitty mood.

  “We’re going to play some games,” Alec says.

  “Yeah, Brice promised to win me a stuffed animal.” Sadie grabs her boyfriend's arm, and I’m pretty sure it’s obvious to everyone but Brice that she’s doing it because of Brandon.

  As the group begins migrating through the carnival, I notice Charlotte sort of hangs back from Alec. I step up to her because I only have about six weeks left here and I don’t want to spend them being all weird with her like we have been.

  “Want me to win you a teddy bear too?” I tease.

  She gets it just like I knew she would and nudges my arm with hers.

  “You done ignoring me now?” I ask.

  “I haven’t been ignoring you.”

  “Yeah, you have, and we both know it.”

  Last year I knew she liked me. More than a friend, I mean. I told myself it didn’t matter and she knew we were just friends. We couldn't really be more, but now I find myself looking for it. Wondering if that went away, but then I tell myself to chill the hell out because nothing has changed. She's here, Alec is here, and most of the time...I'm not.

  Doesn’t stop me from wanting to knock him out, though.

  “It’s hard,” she whispers. I want to ask her why, but don’t know if I should—want to make it easier on her because I care too much to see her hurt. I’d do anything to make it easier on her. I wish more people did, but then the thought of Alec helping her pops into my head and I’m pissed again.

  “I know,” come out of my mouth and I realize I get it more than I thought. It’s hard for me, too. It’s been like that since the beginning. She’s cool and I like spending time with her. Hell, I remember the feel of her lips and wish I could do it again, but then…she’s like a friend too. I can tell her anything and I want to know everything about her. Maybe I already do. “I wish we lived closer.”

  She doesn’t reply to that. Looking up, I see we have fallen pretty far behind the rest of the group. Everyone’s standing there waiting for us. Brandon’s giving me this stupid ass smile that means he’s thinking all the wrong things about what is going on. Alec is next to him and I don’t see the anger. Not as much. It’s almost like he’s confused.

  “You guys coming or what?” Alec shouts.

  “We’re coming,” Charlotte calls before jogging to catch up. It’s déjà vu. We never really get anywhere when we talk and she’s always running to him.

  We play tons of games. I beat Charlotte in a basketball shootout and she takes me at flipping coins into fish bowls. She’s the only person I’ve ever seen really do it, so we’re walking around with a betta fish in a bag. We’ve stopped to eat and ridden a few rides. We will have about forty-five minutes until the fireworks start at ten.

  Looking up, I see a ride that looks like it was designed for ten year olds. It’s not very big or anything, with one big cart where people ride in, but it has a huge shooting star on it. All the thing does is go back and forth, like a shooting star would, but still, I grab Charlotte's hand and nod toward it.

  “Wanna?”

  She’s quiet and she gets this sad look on her face. I wonder if I said something wrong or how I screwed up, because she’s still not speaking and she’s just looking at me.

  “We don’t have to… I just thought…”

  “I do. Want to, I mean,” rushes out of her mouth.

  “What are you guys doing? You’re always the ones lagging behind. Need me to carry you so you can keep up, little bro?” Brandon teases.

  “Fuck off
,” I call back. “We’re going on this one.” I point to the shooting star. Someone laughs. A few people grumble.

  “Dude, that’s lame,” Alec sneers.

  “Dude, no one asked you,” I shoot right back at him.

  He takes a step like he’s about to come at me and I do the same. No way am I backing down to him. It’s been a long time coming with us, but Brandon grabs his arm and shakes his head.

  “I don’t need you to fight my fights for me.”

  “Whatever. I’m not fighting you,” Brandon says before Alec pulls free of him. “We’ll catch you guys later.”

  I face Charlotte, not giving a shit about him, or if they’re leaving or not. “What the fuck is his problem? One of these days there’s not going to be someone there to stop us.”

  “Alec and I have always been best friends. He’s been pretty much the only person I care about. He’s protective of me.”

  I back away from her, an unexpected pain piercing through me.

  “I mean, he’s pretty much been the only person I really hang out with. It’s been us and he’s never really cared to be friends with people who stayed here before. It’s always been a job.”

  I close my eyes, not able to believe she’s defending him to me.

  “I don’t want to fight with you anymore. You know that’s not how I see you. Can’t we just…I don’t know, just forget about everything else and have fun. Last summer…”

  Without her continuing, I get what she’s saying. Last year we just had fun. It wasn’t always perfect, but it wasn't like this.

  I want that, too. Want to wipe away the past seven months and all of our fights. I just want to be with her.

  “Yeah…yeah, we can.” I grab her hand, feeling it fit inside mine. “Come ride a shooting star with me.”

  She gives me another smile, and I’m already riding high.

  We ride the shooting star twice and Charlotte laughs more than I’ve ever heard her laugh. When we’re done, we grab her fish from the worker before going to buy a drink. I glance at my cell phone and see it’s almost time for the fireworks to start.