Four Summers

by Nyrae Dawn

  Nate’s eyes go wide and his hands tighten slightly on my waist. He gives me a small nod, but then says, “You don’t have to.”

  “I want to… Do you want to?”

  “Are you kidding me? Of course I do.”

  I can’t help but chuckle at that.

  Nate trails one of his fingers down the side of my face, torturously slow. “You are so incredible.”

  Nate grabs my hand and I let him help me stand. He’s right behind me, picking up my bag. “I wish I could take you somewhere better,” he whispers, before leading me into the fort. It’s clean inside. I keep it that way because it’s important to me.

  He lets go of my hand, grabs the blanket and lays it out, then sets the flashlights so we can see. He kicks out of his shoes and I do the same. Taking the edge of my shirt, he pulls it over my head and drops it to the floor, then takes his off.

  “Okay?” he asks, his fingers on the button of my shorts.

  The only reply I can manage is a nod. My heart is beating so hard. My pulse a loud bang in my ears. He pushes the button through the hole. Slides the zipper down. I hold my breath as he pushes my shorts and panties down my legs. His come off and I gasp a little, really seeing instead of catching a quick glimpse like the time we went skinny-dipping.

  “I probably should have waited to do that until we were lying down.”

  I love that he’s as nervous as I am. I don’t know if he’s done this before, and right now I don’t care. “It’s okay.”

  “You’re beautiful.” His eyes trace my body.

  And then we lay down and he kisses me, touches me. I touch him, too. Nate grabs the condom and his hands shake as he rips it open. I watch in fascination as he puts it on.

  “It’ll hurt,” he says. “But I’ll be careful.”

  “I know.”

  And it does hurt, but he’s careful. His kisses help to dull the pain. And the whole time I know, this is another of our moments. And it’s what I always hoped it would be. What I hope we’ll be able to do a million times in our future. This is Nate and we’re doing something together I’ve never done with another person.

  When it’s over we lay next to each other. Nate pulls one side of the blanket up and over us. His hand is in my hair like it so often is.

  “You okay, Star Girl?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Was…was it okay?”

  I lean up onto my arms so I’m looking down at him. “Was that your first time, too?”

  Nate nods and I close my eyes, wishing to stay in this moment. I guess it’s something neither of us has ever done with someone else. It surprises me. I know Nate it popular and he’s gone out with a lot of girls, but I’m glad. “It was perfect,” I finally tell him.

  “What are we going to do?”

  My answer is automatic. “I don’t want to lose you. Like you said, we can talk every day.” It’ll be hard, but if anyone can do it, it’s Nate and I.

  He rolls me over, kisses my lips, then the star at the base of my throat. “I love you.”

  My eyes are wet when I say, “I love you, too.”

  We’ve been out to the fort every night. He leaves tomorrow and I want to stall as though keeping busy will somehow make the night take longer to get here, but at the same time, I want it to hurry. Want to be alone with him so we can talk and he can hold me and make me forget we have to say goodbye.

  It’s not goodbye, I tell myself. I’ll see him soon. He said in October.

  I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling. I’m not supposed to meet him for a while yet, but I can’t stand being in this room. It’s driving me crazy. I push off my bed, grab my backpack, and crawl out. I see Nate sneaking off to the side of their cabin. He must have had the same idea as me, wanting to come out early.

  Not wanting to wake anyone, I don’t shine the flashlight his way, but quietly try to catch up with him. I have a little ways to make up because I don’t want be too loud and his cabin is a whole lost closer to the woods.

  Once I hit the trees, I hope I’m going the right way. Where the heck is he going? “Nate.” I whisper loudly, as though he can hear me.

  I get this strange feeling in my stomach, but I try to ignore it as I keep going. There’s no reason to freak out. I know these woods like the back of my hand and Nate is out here somewhere, but he’s not going to any of our usual locations.

  I stumble into one of the trees and lean against it and that’s when I see him. Them.

  Only it’s not Nate. It’s Brandon.

  And he’s not with some girl.

  It’s Alec.

  What the heck are they doing out here? Brandon’s back is to me and I see Alec give him a huge smile. One that I’ve never, ever seen him give me, or any other girl for that matter.

  “What about your brother?” Alec asks.

  “He thinks its Danielle.”

  Everything in my world turns upside down in that moment as I see Brandon lean forward and kiss Alec. Kiss him the way Nate kisses me. The way I’ve never seen two boys kiss before. My brain keeps telling my eyes to look away because this is their private business and I have no right to intrude on it, but I just can’t do it.

  Betrayal shoots through me. Alec is gay. How could he never have told me he’s gay? Did he think I would look at him any differently?

  But suddenly, a whole lot of things make sense—why Brandon is even here this year, how Alec seemed to know things about Nate I didn’t expect. I think of the football Brandon has every time he’s here and realize it has a big “X” on it and remember the time Alec was screwing around and drew it on there, saying X marked the spot because he liked football so much. He did that before we even knew them, and now I know Alec must have given the ball to Brandon. His favorite football.

  Brandon’s hand goes under Alec’s shirt as his mouth leaves Alec’s lips to slide down his neck, and that’s when Alec’s eyes find mine. I’m frozen. Scared, guilty, confused, hurt, every feeling I could possibly have is battling inside me.

  “Shit. Charlie. It’s…it’s not....” As Alec is jerking away from Brandon, I run. I’m not quite sure why I’m running, but my feet won’t stop.

  “Charlie! Wait!” Alec’s voice comes again, closer. A few seconds later he grabs me and pulls me to a stop. Everything about him looks frantic, his eyes, his facial expressions.

  “I don’t understand.” It’s a pretty stupid thing to say because what’s to understand? Alec is obviously gay and never told me.

  “I didn’t mean for it to happen. I didn’t want—I thought—I was confused.”

  “How long?”

  He shakes his head. “Charlie…”

  “If you don’t want me to walk away right now, Alec, I need you to be honest.” My whole body is shaking though I don’t know why.

  “Officially? It started last summer.”

  Oh God. The whole time we thought Brandon was sneaking out with Sadie last year, it was Alec.

  “Wait. What do you mean officially?”

  He looks guilty and I want to tell him not to. Despite everything, guilt for his feelings about Brandon doesn’t belong here.

  “We’ve talked all year…every year. Even after the first summer.”

  I’m not sure what to say, or how to react. Brandon blew off Sadie for Alec. It’s crazy.

  He’s frantic now. “Swear to me. Swear you won’t ever tell anyone, Charlie. You say I’m your best friend, and you know I would do anything for you. Swear you won’t tell anyone.”

  “But…don’t you want to be with him?” It’s not right that he has to be so scared to be with the person he wants. It’s not right that he felt like he had to hide it from me.

  “Swear it.”

  “Of course. I swear. How long have you known you’re gay, Alec?” My voice softens, still trying to wrap my mind around this.

  “I’m not gay. Seriously.”

  “You’ve been seeing a guy for a year. I’m pretty sure that makes you gay.” Reaching out, I touch his arm. “It’s ok
ay. You don’t have to hide it from me. You can tell me anything.”

  “No,” he shakes his head, looking slightly frantic.

  The next thing I know, Alec’s lips are on mine. I’m so shocked that it takes me a second to register what’s happening. A second to try to push him away, but that one little stall ruined it. A moment can change everything.

  “What the fuck?” Nate yells. I’m jerking away from Alec and then Nate’s fist flies through the air, landing a hard hit to Alec’s jaw. Alec staggers backward, but catches his footing and then he’s charging at Nate.

  “No! Stop it!” I scream.

  Alec shoves Nate to the ground and punches him in the stomach. Nate groans, but rolls them quickly so he’s on top. Nate punches him again. Before I can get to them to try and separate them, Brandon is there, pulling his brother off Alec.

  All I can think is thank God. We can get this sorted out and everything will be okay.

  “What the hell? Charlotte?” Nate is trying to pull away from Brandon who has a tight grip on his arms.

  “It’s not what it looks like. I swear. I don’t know why he kissed me. He—”

  “Charlie, please.” Pure fear shines in Alec’s eyes, making a bone deep sadness spread throughout me. The first thought in my mind is, is how sad. How horrible to be so afraid to be able to admit who you are. I can’t imagine that feeling.

  “Please.” He stresses again. When I make eye contact with Brandon, the same fear reflects back from his eyes.

  And my heart breaks for them. It’s not my secret to tell.

  “Tell him,” I say to Alec. “Tell Nate it’s not what it looks like.”

  Alec is silent.

  Brandon is silent.

  “Get the fuck off me!” Nate jerks free from his brother’s grasp.

  “He kissed me. I was pulling away.”

  “And he’s here!” Nate screams. “He’ll always be here to keep trying to do it again.”

  “So? You’ll be back home, with other girls too! You go out with a whole lot more people than I ever have!”

  “Not girls I planned to end up with one day.” His voice cracks, pain shining through, but it’s not the kind of shine you want. It’s dull, aching.

  “I don’t love him. I love you. You know that.” I don’t know what else to say. How to explain without telling him what I saw—something I’m still trying to work out. My brain isn’t working right with so much overloading it at once. “He kissed me, and I was shocked. I swear it’s not what it looks like. I love you.” I say again.

  “Why are you even out here with him?” I’ve never heard Nate’s voice sound like it does right now. Broken.

  I look at Brandon, silently pleading for help. His eyes go wide. Alec scrambles to his feet and I’m afraid to look at him, but I do and I see exactly what I knew I would. More fear mixed with a reminder of what I just promised him.

  “Charlie, you promised.” Alec’s words light a fire in Nate’s eyes, no doubt wondering what kind of promise I made. My body is weak, but primed and on edge too. I can’t find the right words to say to fix this for all of us.

  “I can’t say, but it’s not because I don’t want to. It’s a misunderstanding, though. You know me, Nate.”

  As long as I live, I will never forget the anger on his face when he looks at me. The dark red, edged sadness.

  “I thought I did, but I obviously don’t. Or I didn’t want to believe it. You’ll always pick him over me.”

  “What? No.” I reach for him, but he steps out of my grasp. “That’s not what this is. You know that! I’m not picking him over you. I’ve always picked you.”

  “Are you kidding me right now?” Nate shouts. “We’ve had to hide because of him. You didn’t even want him to know about us in the beginning. We’ve said it before a million times. He’s always here. You’ve known him your whole life and you’re always going to pick him over me.”

  “Alec. Tell him.” I look at him. “Tell Nate the truth. Please.”

  Alec is pale in the moonlight. Terrified. No one says a word. I’m shocked. Can’t believe what happened or that Nate doesn’t believe me.

  “You know what? I’m done. You wanted easy, I’ll give you easy. You can have your life with him. Then you’ll make everyone happy: your dad, Alec, his family. I sure as hell hope you’re happy too.” Nate’s hand goes to his neck and he rips the star necklace off and drops it to the ground before walking away.

  “Nate! Don’t go. Please!” I call after him, tears streaming down my face, but he just keeps going.

  “I’m…I’m sorry,” Brandon says before running after his brother. Nate has walked away from me every summer for the past three years and none of them hurt like this one. Because this time, there is no doubt in my mind I’ve lost him forever. Logically I know all it would take is for me to tell him, but I can’t. Not this. Why didn’t he believe me?

  I fall to the ground and cry.

  “Charlie?” Alec steps up beside me.

  “Get the fuck away from me! I hate you! You ruined everything!”

  I push to my feet and run away from him.

  I go to the fort and lie on the ground and cry. Cry so much my eyes hurt. I’m crying for Nate and losing him and how much I love him. Even though I hate them, I’m crying for Brandon and Alec, too. That they’d be able to hurt people they care about because they’re so scared for anyone to know who they’re attracted to. I don’t understand that and I never will. And as much as I want to tell Nate the truth, tell him why, I know I can’t. How can I be the one to out them on something as deeply personal as that? I swore to Alec, and I won’t break my promise, but I’m so upset he’d let me lose Nate to keep his own secret.

  Soon I’m also crying for me and for Dad and what’s happening to him. For the fact that Mom and my sister left us, and they’re living their lives in Atlanta while I’m left alone to deal with this.

  At some point I stop crying, and fall asleep. The sun peeking through the cracks in the wood wakes me up. And I run. All I can think about is Nate. Maybe I can make him understand. Maybe I can get Alec or Brandon to be honest with him. Maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe. I deserve that, right? After everything we’ve been through.

  My chest hurts from running so hard and fast.

  When I break through the woods and to the ground of The Village, their car is gone, and Alec sits on the porch of their lonely-looking cabin.

  “I told your dad you were with me last night. That I have some stuff going on and you were helping me deal with it. You’re good to go for today.”

  “Fuck you, Alec.”

  “I’m sorry, Charlotte.” I freeze at his use of my real name. “I’m so sorry that you got hurt, but I can’t say anything. Don’t you understand that?”

  Without realizing I started walking, I’m standing at the porch with him. “No, I don’t. I know it’s hard, but I don’t get letting us get hurt because of it. At least you guys should be able to tell Nate. He’s Brandon’s brother. He would understand.” I sigh, still unable to believe what I’m about to say to him. To Alec. “There's nothing wrong with being gay.”

  “Pfft. That’s easy for you to say when you haven’t lived it. Some people don’t come out till they’re forty fucking years old because of how people react. It’s…it’s hard and you can never understand that unless it’s you.”

  “Alec—”

  “Brandon has a football scholarship. How many active professional football players can you name that are gay? You think they won’t give him shit in college? Not want to share a locker room with him; afraid he’s going to, what? Attack them or something? Rub off on them? You don’t know what it’s like for him, Charlie.” For the first time since we were kids, there are tears in Alec’s eyes. “He can’t do it. He’s scared to tell anyone, even his brother.”

  “You love him,” I whisper, sadness bleeding through for him. For Alec and Brandon.

  “It doesn’t matter if I do.” He shrugs.

  “Yes, it does.
What about you? You had a whole list of reasons why his is hard for Brandon, what about you?”

  “Come on, Charlie. You’ve heard my dad talk. How many times does he talk about “those faggots”? How disgusting they are? I might not be as good as Brand and I might not have the same future as him, either, but I don’t want people giving me shit when we’re playing ball.”

  “Does your Dad know, Alec? Is that why you guys aren’t getting along as well?”

  He blanches at that, real fear on his face. “Of course he doesn’t know! It’s just…I hate when he says shit like that and it’s hard not to pull away from him. We got into an argument one day because he said something about this guy at the store and I just…I lost it. After that, things have been different.”

  I try to find the right words to say to him, but nothing comes. Soon Alec continues. “I just wanna be me. Alec. I’m gonna find a way to be the Alec everyone wants me to be.”

  There’s a part of me who hates him so much for what he’s done, for how things turned out, but my heart is crushed for him too. “You need to be the Alec you are. You’re one of the best people I know. There’s nothing wrong with who you are.”

  Stepping forward, I pull him into a hug. We stand there for so long my legs ache, but I keep holding him. Keep being there for the boy who has always been my best friend. The only person I’ve known as long as my family, while he cries.

  The world is so screwed up sometimes. How we make people hate who they are, hide who they are. It’s one of those things I hear about on TV or read about, but I never thought it would affect me until Alec.

  “We could be happy, you know, Charlie,” he says after forever.

  “What?” I pull away from him. “What are you talking about?”

  “You know I love you. You’re my best friend and I’m yours. We could be happy. We’d never have to worry about getting hurt. About being left…”

  Because I’m not the only one who got left behind today—or the last two summers before, either. This whole time I thought I was alone in my pain, but I wasn’t. Alec suffered silently.

  “We’d always be there for each other and I love your family and you love mine. No one would ever know. We’d be happy,” he says again. “We always figured we’d run The Village one day anyway, and—”