A Welcome at Our Door

by Amy Clipston

  Laura studied her and shook her head. “How could you have feelings for an Englisher when we’re so different from them?”

  “We’re not really different from them. He’s a Christian, too, and he’s suffered similar losses to mine. We have a connection. I can tell him how I feel, and he understands me.”

  “An Amish man would understand you just as well, and you wouldn’t have to leave your family to be with him.” Laura’s eyes widened as if an idea had suddenly gripped her. “Does this mean you would leave our community for him? You want to be English?”

  “I don’t know.” Cindy shrugged. “I’m not sure how I feel about that. I just know how bedauerlich I am now that I can’t see him. Not seeing him is like suffering through another loss.”

  Laura reached over and took Cindy’s hand in hers, in what looked like a near panic. “You can’t do this to me. You can’t leave the church. I need mei schweschder in my life.”

  “What about what I need?” A rock of guilt weighed in her gut. When had she ever put her own feelings before her family members’ feelings? Who had she become during the past month? But she was being honest at last.

  “Your family should come first.” Laura jammed a finger on her opposite palm as if to drive home her point. “You should be thinking about your family. Dat would be devastated. What would—”

  “Don’t do it.” Cindy seethed her warning. “Don’t you dare bring Mamm into this! This has nothing to do with Mamm. She’s gone, and I’ll never get over losing her.” Her voice broke, and she fought tears. “You’ve all moved on with your lives, but I can’t. Drew understands how I feel. He knows what it’s like to have doubts and to feel stuck. The rest of you can’t relate to me.”

  “That’s not true, Cindy. I miss Mamm every day.” Contrition seemed to flicker over Laura’s face. “We all relate to how you feel. You don’t have to leave the faith to find someone who understands you. Don’t do this. Don’t leave the faith for him.”

  “I’m still here, aren’t I? I’m trapped in this haus with nothing but chores and sewing. He lives less than a block from here, but I can’t see him because the church forbids me. Why would I want to join a church that forbids me from having a relationship with someone special just because he isn’t a member?”

  Laura’s lips pinched. “But if you left us for him, wouldn’t you miss us? We’d miss you terribly. I could cry just thinking of having to say good-bye to you.”

  “How could you judge me when you fell in love with Allen so soon after Savilla died?” Cindy snapped.

  Laura gaped at her.

  “You married him only eighteen months later. You never expected to fall in love with your best friend’s husband, but you did.” Cindy’s body shook with anger. “Love can be unexpected. We never know when God is going to send us the person we’re going to spend the rest of our lives with and build a family with. How can you sit there and act like I’m sinning when Drew could be the one God has chosen for me?”

  “You’re really in love with him?” Laura’s eyes were round.

  “I don’t know, but I know I miss him so much my heart feels like it’s breaking apart.”

  Laura clicked her tongue. “You’ve fallen in love with an Englisher.” She shook her head. “You never planned to join the church, did you? You were just waiting for an opportunity to leave it.”

  “That’s not true. Stop putting words in my mouth!”

  Laura sniffed as her eyes misted over. “I’m losing mei schweschder.” She ripped a tissue from the box on the sewing table and dabbed at her eyes.

  Cindy gulped as her own tears scorched her cheeks. “I think you should leave.”

  Laura shook her head. “I’m not leaving. We need to talk this out. I have to convince you to just join the church and go to youth group with Sarah Jane. You’ll find happiness there, and you’ll find the perfect husband.”

  “Now you sound like Sarah Jane and Florence,” Cindy grumbled.

  “Maybe that’s because they’re right, and they want you to be froh.”

  “Please leave.” Cindy grabbed a tissue and dabbed her eyes before wiping her nose. “I’ve heard enough.”

  Laura hesitated.

  “Please go,” Cindy repeated.

  Laura stood. “I’m not going to give up on you. You’re mei schweschder, and ich liebe dich. No matter what.”

  Then Laura walked out of the room, leaving Cindy alone in the stifling silence.

  She studied the quilt in her lap as shame did a slow, prickly walk on spider’s legs up her spine. How could Cindy allow a great chasm to divide her only sister and her?

  She slammed her eyes shut as a painful headache stabbed at the back of her eyes. If only life could go back to normal.

  But nothing would ever be normal again.

  * * *

  Cindy swept the kitchen floor after supper while Laura washed the dishes, Mollie dried, and Sarah Jane wiped down the table. The windows at the far end of the kitchen were open, and Florence’s voice floated in from the porch as she talked with the men and rocked Catherine.

  During supper, Cindy had found herself trying to imagine Drew sitting beside her as they enjoyed a meal with her family. But she knew that was a pipe dream. By no chance would Drew ever be accepted by her family unless he were Amish, and how could she even imagine asking him to join the church for her when she wasn’t sure she wanted to be Amish herself?

  She had remained silent during the meal while conversations floated around her. She couldn’t bring herself to participate, even though the guilt of telling her sister to leave her sewing room remained heavy on her heart. The idea of losing Laura nearly broke her in two, but she couldn’t allow her to criticize her the same way Dat, Florence, and Sarah Jane had.

  “Aenti Cindy?”

  “Ya?” Cindy turned to where Mollie stood drying a plate beside Laura.

  “Are you krank?” Her little niece’s pretty face crumpled with something that looked like concern.

  “No.” Cindy felt her lips turn up into a smile. “Danki for asking, though.”

  Mollie tilted her head as she continued to study Cindy. “You look so bedauerlich. Are you sure you’re okay?”

  “I’m gut, mei liewe, but it means a lot to me that you asked.” Cindy noticed a look pass between Laura and Sarah Jane, and renewed anger surged through her. She couldn’t stand another minute with her family, despite her sweet niece.

  As soon as she finished sweeping, she excused herself and went upstairs, where she worked on a customer’s project to pass the time until she was ready for bed.

  When she heard the clip-clop of horse hooves and the whir of buggy wheels, she peered out the window as Allen’s horse and buggy headed down the driveway, and another thread of guilt tangled through her middle. If only she and Laura could see eye-to-eye, but how could she convince her sister her feelings were valid when Laura had already made up her mind about Drew?

  Cindy returned to her sewing and worked until she couldn’t see straight. Then she took a shower and dressed in her nightgown.

  She climbed into bed, where she tossed and turned and then stared at the ceiling for what felt like hours. Her conversation with Laura echoed in her mind, and she cried into her pillow. She missed her sister. She missed their close relationship, but it was gone, ruined by her unexpected feelings for Drew.

  Finally, at eleven thirty, she sat up and looked out the window. The pasture was flooded in darkness. She stared out in the direction of Drew’s house and wondered what he was doing. Was he asleep in bed? Was he sitting on the porch?

  Was he thinking about her?

  That last question brought more tears to her eyes, and she hugged her arms to her chest.

  Suddenly, something inside of her shattered. She couldn’t take it any longer. She had to see him, and she had to see him now!

  Cindy quickly pulled on a blue dress and put her hair up before covering it with a matching blue kerchief. Then she slipped on her shoes, grabbed the small fl
ashlight Drew had given her, and tiptoed out into the hallway.

  She knew what she had to do. She stopped outside the sewing room and quietly opened the door, and then she shined the flashlight into the room as she slipped inside. She grabbed the log cabin quilt and then made her way downstairs and out of the house.

  She hurried down the same path Cucumber had taken that day in June, her heart thumping and her pulse pounding as she approached the Lapps’ driveway. The sky was dark, and the air smelled sweet with the threat of rain.

  When Cindy reached Drew’s front porch, she froze as if her shoes were cemented to the ground. Sudden fear and anxiety warred inside of her. What if Drew didn’t want to see her? What if he asked her to leave?

  She flicked away that thought and pushed herself toward the light glowing next to his front door. That light was a beacon, an invitation to climb the steps and knock. She had to see Drew, even if it was truly the last time she ever would.

  * * *

  Drew sat on the edge of his bed and looked down at Bruce as he whined. “I know, buddy.” He sighed. “I miss Cindy too.”

  And it was the truth. He missed Cindy with every breath, every second of every day. She was his first thought in the morning and his last thought at night, but he could do nothing to bring his crushed heart back to life. Her father and brother had made it crystal clear that Drew had no place in her life, but that did nothing to change his feelings for her.

  “Maybe we can walk by her farm tomorrow,” Drew told his dog as he rubbed his head.

  Walking by the farm wasn’t exactly smart, but just seeing a glimpse of Cindy would let him know she was okay. He prayed for her every night before he went to sleep and every Sunday at church, begging God to keep her happy and safe.

  “Well, it’s bedtime,” Drew said. “Let’s get some sleep.” He stripped down to his boxers and climbed into bed.

  As he turned out the light, he was almost certain he heard footsteps on his front porch. Was he imagining them?

  When Bruce barked, Drew jumped into action. He pulled on his jeans and a T-shirt and headed to the door just as someone knocked. Bruce barked again. Who would come to his house at midnight? Did Ervin have an emergency? Did he need Drew to take him or Gertrude to the hospital?

  Drew wrenched open his door, and his heart swelled when he found Cindy standing on the porch.

  He pushed open the screen door and drank in the sight of her. She was stunning, clad in a blue dress with a matching headscarf that made her eyes even bluer. Oh, how he’d missed her. Happiness surged through him, sending warmth cascading through his veins.

  Behind her, rain began to fall, filling the air with its sweet scent. The raindrops started to drum on the roof above them.

  “Cindy. Are you all right?”

  “I had to see you.” She seemed short of breath. So was he.

  When Bruce whined, Drew pushed him back. “Stay inside, boy,” Drew told him as he slipped through the door and closed it behind him. “How have you been?” he asked her.

  “Miserable without you.” She held out a quilt draped over her arms. “I’ve been working on this quilt for six weeks, and I want you to have it.”

  He blew out a puff of air as he took the quilt from her and ran his fingers over the intricate stitching. It was the most gorgeous quilt he’d ever seen.

  “This is beautiful, Cindy. I love it.”

  “I need to tell you what it means.” Her voice seemed to thicken as she touched the quilt. “It’s a log cabin pattern, and it has significance. This block pattern is very old and is symbolic of life.” She opened the quilt and pointed. “The center square used to be red to represent the heart or hearth of the home. The strips around the center are said to represent the logs of the cabin.” She continued pointing to the different shades of gray and blue.

  “The light side of the block represents the sun in front of the cabin, such as babies, weddings, family, and friends. The dark side represents the shadow behind the cabin, such as death or disaster. The dark moments are supposed to remind us how wonderful the light moments really are.”

  She looked up at him, and her eyes sparkled with unshed tears. “I hope you’ll always keep this quilt and remember your friendship with me as a light time in your life.” Her lower lip trembled. “I’ll always care about you, Drew, and I’ll always miss you.” She took a deep breath. “I should go.”

  Then she turned and walked down his porch steps, out of his life.

  twelve

  Panic ripped through Drew as Cindy slipped away from him. He dropped the cherished quilt onto the rocker beside him and rushed after her, running down the porch steps and into the rain. When he reached her, he grabbed her arm and gently pulled her back.

  “You are my light,” he told her. “You’ve been the only light in my life since I lost my parents and my aunt. You’re everything to me. Please don’t go. Don’t leave me again.”

  She spun to face him and then launched herself into his arms, wrapping her own arms around his neck and pulling him close. Her warmth permeated through his shirt, his skin, his bones, and his heart, sending happiness curling through him. Slowly he felt his broken spirit start to repair itself. Cindy was everything his soul needed and craved.

  “Oh, I’ve missed you so much,” he whispered into her headscarf as he breathed in the scent of flowers mixed with sunshine. “You have no idea how much I’ve missed you.”

  “Ya, I do.” She spoke into his neck. “I’ve missed you too.”

  The cool rain sprayed down on them, soaking his hair, his shirt, and his jeans as they stood in the driveway hugging each other.

  “Should we get out of the rain?” he finally asked.

  She gave a little laugh. “Ya, I guess so.”

  He entwined his fingers with hers and guided her up the steps to the bench. “Would you like a towel?”

  She pointed to the quilt. “We can use that.”

  “Are you sure? I hate to get it wet.”

  “You’re so silly.” She chuckled. “It’s meant to get wet. It’s washable.” She picked up the quilt. “Let’s try it.” She sank down onto the bench and patted the space beside her.

  He sat down next to her, and she spread the quilt across their laps.

  “I’m so glad you’re here,” he said. “You’ve been in my thoughts and prayers constantly.”

  “You’ve been in mine too.” She snuggled closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder. “It’s been terrible without you. I had an argument with my sister today. My family members can’t accept I have feelings for someone who isn’t a member of our community. They’re all pressuring me to join the church and find an Amish man.”

  “Are you sure that’s not what you want?”

  “I’m sure.” She looked up at him. “I want to be with you.”

  His heart seemed to trip over itself as her words went through him and heated him from the inside. He placed his palm on her cheek and felt an invisible magnet pulling him to her, linking their souls. He moved closer, her warm breath tickling his mouth and jaw.

  Just as his lips were about to brush hers, he stilled. Her father’s and brother’s warnings echoed in his mind.

  He pulled back, and she stared up at him, her eyes round and shiny, her breath coming in short bursts.

  “I don’t want to hurt you,” he said, struggling to keep his voice steady.

  “Being away from you is hurting me.”

  He leaned back on the bench and rubbed at his eyes. “What can we do, then? If we’re together, it causes problems between you and your family and it can potentially earn you an unfair reputation. But being apart is too hard. I don’t know how to be a part of your life without hurting you.”

  His thoughts suddenly returned to what Jamie had said to him. “What if I joined the church with you?”

  “What?” She spun toward him. “You want to be Amish?”

  “I would do it if it meant we could be together.”

  “Do you realize what y
ou’d have to give up?” She gestured around the farm, his home. “Your truck, your schooling, your laptop, your electricity.” She pointed at him. “Your clothes, your music, your Englisher life.”

  “So?” He took her hand in his. “I’d give all that up for you.”

  “That’s not the reason to join the church. You only join when you feel it in here.” She touched her chest. “It has to be a pure and honest commitment to the Amish life and to God. It’s not something you do so you can marry someone.” Her lower lip trembled. “And how can you join the church when I feel so disconnected to my own religion? It wouldn’t make sense. I’m having doubts about God’s will, so I’m not even ready to join the church myself. That’s not a solution for us.”

  She stared out toward the rain, and he tried his best to memorize her beautiful profile, the curve of her neck, and the smell of her shampoo.

  Drew shook his head. He considered Cindy’s big family and their community’s focus on God and on one another. He could see himself assimilating into the Amish life. After all, he craved a family so deeply, but Cindy was right about his reasons. Who was he to know when it was time to be baptized into the Amish faith?

  When she turned back toward him, he found determination in her gorgeous eyes. “Why don’t we meet in secret until we figure out how we can get around my family?”

  “Is that what you want?”

  She nodded.

  “Are you absolutely sure?” he challenged her.

  “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “Because we’d be defying your father. You said Florence made you promise not to see me, to be a dutiful daughter.”

  She pressed her lips together and then said, “But I’m here now, aren’t I?”

  “Yes, you are.” And I’m so very grateful. “I want you to be sure. If your father finds out we’re still meeting, I don’t know what he’ll do. Do you think he’ll kick you out of his house?”

  “I don’t know.” She entwined her fingers with his. “All I know is that I want to be with you, and I can’t let them keep us apart anymore.”