"You're safe with me, Dax," I whispered, brazenly linking my pinky finger with hers. "The same way I'm safe with you."
She squeezed my finger while we both cried. Although I didn't touch her, I pulled the blanket off the arm of the sofa and draped it around her shoulders. I held it tight, in a pseudo hug that seemed to settle her harsh sobs to soft sniffles.
With untethered rage boiling my blood, I stared at the ceiling, imagining the demise of a demon over and over, as I ached for Dax and the cost of her liberation.
Chapter Six
Dax fell asleep, or passed out, after divulging her story. I stayed up all night, watching over her while she slept beside me. She kept her hand on my chest, palm flat, as if feeling my heartbeat. Everything about Dax made sense to me now. Her fear for her animals, the devastated reaction to the loss of the puppy, her affinity for guns, her hatred for physical contact, and why she punched Drew all became alarmingly clear. If her stalker wasn't dead, I might've killed him myself. After all, I had an endless supply of pentobarbital at my disposal, and access to a large crematory.
My premeditated murder plans for an already dead guy surprised me, but not enough to stop the fantasy.
Mid-morning, long after the dust settled in the sunbeams streaming in the windows, she peeked her eyes open and looked up at me. Surprise lifted her brows at first, then when the reality of what happened seemed to settle in, she turned her attention to the window.
"One whole sleep and I kept you safe the entire time," I said softly, and it made her lip twitch with a threatened smile. "Good thing you taught me to shoot handguns."
She chuckled a bit, meeting my gaze again after that, her chin resting on my chest. A heavy sigh escaped her and she lay down again, her hand stroking my stomach.
"He didn't rape me," she said, her voice raspy and strained. "It was never about that. It was about control that I wouldn't give him. Every moment of it was recorded. He never even knew."
"I'm sorry that happened to you, Dax. You didn't deserve to be treated like that."
"You know what the worst part was?" She looked up at me again and I shook my head. "That my mom was a house over and never noticed I hadn't left in days. My friends didn't come looking for me. Only that doctor. I learned after that she tried to get the police to respond, but they wouldn't because Josh was a cop, too. None of them wanted to believe it. She came back three times, and even called someone she knew at the FBI," she said, drawing in a slow breath. "I had missed calls from a few of the Wildrose girls. But no one else ever bothered. And when my mom found out, she was upset, but her first response was to ask me how I didn't know that he was bad. How a cop couldn't recognize a bad guy." She paused, and drew a circle around my nipple with her finger nail, urging it to a firm bud. "All of that was so much worse."
"It's invalidating," I said, reaching up to touch her face, but stopping myself just in time. "Sorry. I didn't mean to—"
"You can." Her eyes welled up immediately. "I'm already a mess for you."
With caution, I ran the knuckle of my index finger over her soft cheek. A tear raced down the same path, settling on her lips. "Is that why you don't like being touched? Because it makes you emotional?"
"It makes me question if whoever is touching me is going to hurt me, or what their motives are. Men fuck me, I fuck women. No one touches me. And I don't touch them."
"I'm touching you," I said, continuing to stroke her cheek.
She nodded, though her fingers clawed at my stomach again.
"And you touched me yesterday. A lot." I smirked and she laughed a bit. "And you didn't fuck me first, Dax. You hugged me while we shot bales of hay."
"Yeah." She blinked away a few tears, and relaxed again as if being called out on the touching settled her. "You're different."
"Why am I?"
"Because animals trust you," she said, locking gazes with me again. "Animals know human intentions."
"I agree. Do you trust me?"
"You took me home and made sure I didn't die. And didn't take advantage of that."
"Do you trust me?" I repeated my question, and she nodded.
"But I don't want to."
"I know."
She sniffled and her focus fell to my bracelet on her wrist.
"You're safe with me. We're safe with each other," I repeated and she nodded faintly. "Dax, are there cameras in this house?"
"Of course," she said, smirking when she looked up at me.
"Did you examine my actions over and over after I left each time?"
"How can you tell?"
"Because you predict my behavior well."
"For now," she said, her voice fading again.
"Can I ask you something?"
She nodded and sniffled quietly.
"Is that a gun that's been digging into my thigh all night or are you extremely happy to see me?"
Dax laughed, a genuine one, as she reached between us and pulled the entire holster from her hip. I groaned when my leg finally relaxed against something soft. She slid the weapon between my legs, pressing it against my core in an unusually erotic caress before setting it on my stomach.
"I'm extremely happy to see you," she said.
"Kinky…"
"I'm a little kinky." She smiled and her body relaxed beside me in a way it hadn't before.
"Me too. Want to know my kinkiest move?"
"Yes." Her brows flicked upward and she leaned up on her elbow.
I held my arms open, grinning like a dork. "Can I hug you for real like you hugged me?"
Her expression lifted with amusement as she pondered the question. Eventually, she lowered herself into my arms and I wrapped her in a hug.
"Just...just don't restrain me if I try to move," she said, her voice a whisper.
"Good hugs and good touch are fluid. I won't ever restrain you or hold you unless you want me to. I promise. And if I do something that makes you uncomfortable, tell me to stop and I will." I held my pinky finger to her. "I swear."
She linked her finger with mine, and the full weight of her settled on top of me. I kept my arm around her and she closed her eyes again. My eyes followed and sleep found me easily, tucked between Dax and the sofa, with a Glock snoozing on my navel.
***
"I didn't expect to be mucking stalls today," I told Dax while I helped her clean out the barn. She climbed down the ladder that led to the hay loft above, her Stetson returning to its place on her head.
"You didn't expect my hand down your pants last night either, but here we are."
"Dax." I swatted in her direction when she jumped down from the last few steps. "Also true, however." I leaned the rake against the wall, then hopped up to sit on a thick stack of hay. "Can we talk about that for a second?"
"Why?"
"Because I'm really bad with ambiguity and I want to know what it meant," I said, watching her as she carried the freshly oiled saddle over to the rack.
"It meant your pussy was soaked and needed coaxing from expert fingers."
I laughed, leaning my elbows on a square of hay behind me while I watched her. "Seriously, come here for a minute."
She set the saddle down, dusting her hands off on her jeans before heading over to me. Her body burned with heat and perspiration as she leaned her stomach against my knees. Firm, strong hands gripped my thighs as she met my gaze.
"Does it have to mean something?" she asked, her half-smile shrouded in the shadow of her hat.
"It doesn't have to, but I need to know."
"Do you want it to?" Her question brought me pause, and I worried that if I gave her anything less than the full truth, I risked losing her totally.
"Yes, Dax. I do want it to mean something."
"What do you want it to mean?" She pressed her hands up my legs, leaning over me.
"I want it to mean that if I ask you out to dinner tomorrow night, you'll say yes." I gulped, melting under her vast presence and the confidence she suddenly wore.
"What if I
say no?"
"Then I'll know you just fucked me, like the other women you mentioned." Just saying it hurt my heart, and I knew that all the red flags Sage tossed up weren't just for show.
"And if I say yes?"
"Then I'll know you're interested in me. Because I'm interested in you…"
"What's so interesting about me other than the fact I'm the only other gay in the village beside yourself?"
"Don't say that. I'm interested in you because I enjoy talking to you and spending time with you. Under all of your brashness, you're loving and kind." I held up a finger between us. "Don't deny it. I can predict your behavior just as well."
Dax laughed, shaking her head at me as she swatted my hand. "C'mon, we need to seed the garden." She shoved away from me and adjusted her hat.
"I want an answer first." I huffed, giving her a once over and allowing my attention to settle on the tight ass cradled in her worn-in jeans. Now, after everything, I didn't feel the need to be so cautious about my admiration of Dax's assets.
"I'll tell you my answer when we're done," she called out over her shoulder.
"I think you're just a tease, for the record." I hurried after her, taking a moment to pull my phone from my pocket. I'd ignored it all day and saw the five missed calls from Mom and Sage, as well as the texts. All of them questioned my whereabouts.
Dax glanced over at my phone while we walked side by side. "Who is it?"
"My sister and mother looking for me."
"You gonna tell them?"
"They're nosey."
"You mean they don't want you hanging around the crazy daughter of Dax Stocker who shares his name?"
"You're not crazy. Don't say that. And don't take it personally either. They don't want me around anyone, especially women."
"Really?" That seemed to shock her enough to slow her pace. "Do they not approve of you being gay?"
"They do, but sometimes they're judgy. Especially after everything that happened with Kari. I still think they believe a man will settle me down and fix everything."
"That won't happen." She scoffed. "Men are good for one thing only."
"What's that?"
"A quick fuck in the bathroom of a bar to get your jollies off. Nothing else. Josh was my only relationship with a man. Look where that got me."
"A woman could fuck you just the same. You like dick that much, I could easily strap one on." I tucked my phone in my back pocket, and ignored my family.
Dax grew quiet for a moment, her hands slipping into the pockets of her jeans. "I don't want you to fuck me like that."
"How do you want me to fuck you then?"
Her lips pursed, and her gaze lingered on her boots in the grass. I mimicked her posture and pace, watching four boots as they walked in rhythm with one another.
"Gently," she said, her voice barely above a whisper.
The single word stole my breath and clenched my heart, sending a crumbling cascade of emotion down inside me. I glanced at her, though she kept her gaze averted, and held out my hand. She never looked up, but she accepted the gesture as we made our way to the garden.
On my way home that night, I stopped by to check on the foal that was happy and thriving as expected. I left her owners with instructions for her care and promised another visit in a week to check back.
While heading up to my apartment, I thought about the last twenty-four hours. Dax hadn't answered my question, and I worried about how things would unfold between us. My mind, plagued with images of the horrific ordeal she suffered, raced with scenarios. I harbored anger toward her abuser, toward her invalidating mother, and toward the people who didn't check on her.
I turned on the tap, waiting for the shower to warm up while I undressed, continuing to stew in my own sauce of rage. I didn't want to leave Dax, at least not yet, but she got a call to serve a warrant, forcing us apart with things unresolved.
The water poured over my face, and I sighed into it as I ran my hands over my body in the same places left hungry by Dax's touch. Ghosts of her fingers danced over me, and it made me want more. So much more. It disturbed me, my affinity for Dax. After all, I didn't know her that well and the fact that she drove me to such distraction had me feeling like a teenager. And like a teenager, I obsessed over how she truly felt about me.
"Willa?" Sage's voice called out and the front door slammed.
"Bathroom," I croaked, dowsing my face under the spray of the shower head to rinse away the tears that had continued to plague me on and off as they rolled with my thoughts.
The shower curtain flung back and Sage stood there, wide-eyed and panicked.
"Jesus, Sage!" I covered my chest and lower half before grabbing the curtain. "Are you kidding?"
"Where were you? Why didn't you answer me or Mom?"
"I was wrapped up in stuff. What's the matter?" I turned off the water then pointed at the towel on the sink. "Hand me that."
"Nothing. We couldn't find you." She slapped the towel in my hand and I wrapped it around myself.
"I'm fine." I stepped onto the carpet and snatched the second towel for my hair.
"What if there was an emergency? Answer me next time."
"If it was an emergency, you would've driven to Stocker's Farm because you know I was there, Sage."
She didn't say anything as I continued my stompy attitude all the way to the bedroom where I dressed in haste. Sage followed me and sat down on the bed. I pulled a shirt over my head then a pair of cotton pants to follow.
"You can talk to me, Willa. I swear."
"It doesn't feel that way lately."
"Come sit with me." She patted the bed beside her and, after brushing my hair, I joined her.
A sense of defeat weighed on my shoulders when I turned to face her, my hands clasped in my lap. Sage reached across the space between us and ran her fingers through my hair in an almost maternal caress.
"Tell me about Dax?" she asked, her question unassuming, which was a departure from the last time we talked about her.
"Why?"
"Because I want to know about the girl you have feelings for." Sage's kind smile returned to her face and she held her hands to me. "Tell me about Dax."
With caution, I placed my hands on top of hers. "She's beautiful."
"Well, duh." She chuckled, shaking her head. Dirty-blonde ringlets bounced over her shoulders, reminding me of Macie's hair. Mine wasn't ever as pretty as Sage's.
"And kind, and sensitive." I sighed as I thought about last night. "And in a lot of pain."
"I could imagine so…"
"How?" My brow furrowed and Sage's smile saddened.
"I've read the articles."
"What articles?"
"Will, what happened to Dax isn't a secret. At least not to most of us. Her cop boyfriend holding her against her will, how she killed him, and all of it being caught on cameras. It was in the papers a few years ago." Sage blanched, gulping down the emotions that lingered in her gaze. "People here know."
"Well, I didn't know, Sage." A sob caught in my throat, and I let go of her hands. "I didn't know that. She had to tell me herself. Is that why everyone treats her strangely?"
"Yes. And why Drew understood when she hauled off and hit him. Yes, they had a brief encounter, but he's not a bad guy. And Andy lets her drink and rarely collects on her tab. We all know this."
"And you all just let her live out on that farm by herself? No one bothered to try and be friends with her or check on her there either? Except Esteban of course." I choked on my words and shoved Sage away when she tried to hug me. "You're all just as bad as everyone else in her life."
"Willa. I did try." She reached for me again. "Mom and I went to visit her when she came back. She didn't want us around. Asked us to leave her alone."
I sniffled, wiping my eyes on my shirt. "That sounds like her."
"Yes. And not respecting that would've been worse."
"Well, I didn't respect it," I confessed, meeting her gaze again.
&n
bsp; "Because you're different, Willa. You're different."
"I know! Alright? I know already…"
"Different isn't bad, Will." She grabbed my hands, giving me a yank. "Different meaning you're tenacious, and funny, and kind. And the way you love animals is a gift. How you soothe families when they lose a pet. And how, like Dad, you're willing to stick your entire arm up the butt of a cow is downright heroic."
I laughed at that, shaking my head. "Sage."
"Stop not letting us love you. Because we do. I wanted to tell you about Dax to prepare you for what to expect."
"I'm glad you didn't tell me. I'm glad I was able to form my own opinion. Because everyone is wrong about her. She's not cold and damaged or a murderer. She's loving and kind and suffering and no one cares." I brushed away the tears on my cheeks and Sage patted my knee.
"You care, and I care because you care. Okay?"
I sniffled, pursing my lips as I nodded. "Okay." I sighed and crawled past her to drop into the pillows on the bed. "I'm really tired."
"Go to sleep." Sage shifted with me and curled up on her side. "Want me to stay?"
"For a little bit." I nodded and she pulled the blankets over my shoulders. "Macie is probably waiting."
"She's asleep. It's a school night and Jake's home."
"Okay." I closed my eyes and leaned my head on her shoulder, allowing myself to fall into a quiet that mirrored Dax's, except I couldn't sustain it. "Sometimes I really miss Seattle. Everything that used to make me feel good, Sage, died with Dad. My job, my apartment, women. Night life. All gone."
"I know, little girl," she said, using the nickname Mom often did. "You and Mom lost the most. I gained a great roommate who seconds as a babysitter, and my sister back in town. It helps that Mom's generally retired and has a ton of friends. They're all working on the festival stuff now."
"Mom loves Sequim and all its glory. Part of me does, too. The loneliness is hard to get used to. The beauty is the best part."
"I hope one day you'll feel differently."
"Me too."
Hart & Stocker Page 9