The machines in the room start beeping faster, but I’m too far gone, repeating the same questions to a dying woman.
Looking back to this moment, I should’ve paid attention to the change that was happening in front of me. I should’ve put my anger aside. I should’ve…
A thought enters my mind as I look down at her, ignoring the machines. “Did he force himself into your bed?”
Her eyes widen in horror and her body starts shaking even harder, but it makes sense. John Fitzgerald has been after destroying my family for years. Revenge in this family, I’ve learned, touches everyone. It’s profound and sinister. I mean look at me, I allowed Julian to use my body like his favorite disposable sex toy.
“Oh God, he got to you, didn’t he?” I choke the words out.
A sheen of sweat coats my body as I start to tremble. I look around, but the walls of the room are closing in on me, it feels like the ground below me is shaking, rumbling, and I can’t hold on any longer.
Like I’m having an out of body experience, I watch Nancy struggle in her bed. She starts gasping for breath, her eyes wild as they look to me, but I can’t react. It feels like I’m shutting down as everything floods back to me in clear precision.
John managed to fuck over Nathan in the most cruel way possible. Was that because of me or was there more going on? He got to him, destroyed his career and then, he got to Nicky under false pretenses of love and proposed to marry her but now this?
Possibilities and scenarios start playing out in my head as the woman I’ve recognized as my mother all my life struggles to catch a breath.
All I can think is, was this calamity all a part of John’s plan all along?
Did he plan for me to see him with Nancy like that?
Why is a grown man like him hurting me like this? Or is he doing it for his sons?
The level of cruelty in all this, Julian definitely has a part in this, doesn’t he? Because my God, if he wanted to break me like he said he would weeks ago, then he’s totally succeeded.
I think back to the way John welcomed us into his large mansion with what I now realize was a fake, sly smile on his handsome face, while his son watched from afar.
They had us all where they wanted us and then they took calculated steps to control and manipulate our lives.
I think back to the way John had Nicky hanging on to his every word. But then, there was something different about the way he was looking down at Nancy just now like she meant the world to him, and the way Nancy didn’t protest at all when I told her where we were going to live.
As for me, John didn’t have to deal with me directly. He sent his sons for that.
A powerful frisson of unease moves through my system and I start clawing at my chest again, my nails scratching at the skin there.
I can’t breathe.
“Mm…” Nancy stutters, anguish in her broken whisper, matching the regret in her eyes, but I just stare back at her, feeling blank, empty, and weak.
Something is seriously wrong here, but I can’t move.
Julian used me.
Liam played me.
Cole helped the brotherly cause.
Did John tell his sons to infiltrate my life, get to know me then when the time came, they were to rip me apart?
“Oh God,” I gasp, as unbridled pain shoots through my chest. Tears sting my eyes as I think of the day Liam seemed to accept me at the hospital. Was he playing me then? “This can’t be happening.”
“I…” Nancy stutters. “Mm…” Her voice is strained, hoarse from not being used. Her body is shaking in the bed, but I just watch.
The loud sounds in the room become shrill, louder, angrier but I feel like I’m sinking down in quicksand. Everything sounds and looks unattainable to me now, so far out of reach.
Then, our gazes lock and hold. Like the calm before a storm, I watch as Nancy’s body calms down before my eyes. She stops moving, her gaze on me with her eyes wide and in that moment, something happens.
This is the last time I’ll ever stare into her eyes.
“No,” I gasp as I look at her. I don’t know how I know this, but as I stare at the woman who raised me with so much love and care, sass and empowerment, something settles in the pit of my stomach.
I hold her gaze as the truth of the near future settles between us.
Wild emotions swirl in her eyes and like she just punched me in the stomach with it, everything in me just…goes numb.
She’s going to die tonight.
As if from a distance, I can hear machines beeping louder and louder. There’s a stampede from somewhere, closing in fast but I can’t look away from Nancy.
“Mia, what happened? I thought you were just talking to her?”
The beeping gets louder as more blurry figures enter my line of sight, but I can’t tell who’s here.
“Mia, call the nurse! What did you do?” my father shouts but I don’t move.
I think there’s an alarm that goes off.
“Mia, do something!”
I think I hear a stampede of feet running down the hall.
“Mia! What did you do?”
I think someone is struggling to breathe, but all I can do is stare.
Meanwhile, there’s a plethora of activity happening around me. I’m pushed out of the way and a blur of white rushes past me. I hear commands being issued. I hear them counting to three then they shout. “Clear!”
I hear John’s panicked voice echoing in the room.
I can see a frail body spasm out of control on the bed, covered by white sheets that are now stained with blood.
Red.
There’s a lot of red here.
Someone is shouting at me, no, they’re shouting her name. No, at me.
Is that Nancy’s voice or is that Nicky’s?
What’s happening?
My head is spinning out of control. I claw at my chest some more.
Darkness closes in on me.
I feel like I’m falling into an abyss of unending torment and as I hear the gurgling of blood, I just… give in to the darkness.
4
“Mia, wake up my love,” an urgent, distressed voice whispers in my ear as someone shakes me violently.
I jerk-knife awake, feeling groggy and disoriented. Where am I?
I look around the room, noticing the beautiful interior design and immediately realize that I’m still at the Fitzgerald mansion, but it’s a room I’ve never seen before.
I look up and see Nicky. She’s crouched on the side of the chaise lounge, tears streaming down her face, despair in her eyes as she hovers over me.
Why is she crying? And why am I here? What was I doing when all this—
“What happened?” I croak out. My head feels heavy, like cotton and rocks were stuffed in there.
“Oh, my baby,” Nicky cries, immediately folding me in her embrace that tightens each second. I can feel her body trembling like she’s cold, sniffling in my hair like she actually has a cold.
“Why are you crying?” I whisper, my voice still hoarse. “What happened?”
When she pulls back though, everything hits me like a flood, the big, violent waves crashing into me with one singular intent. To drown me.
Nancy and John…
The loud, beeping machines.
She was spasming and shaking on the bed.
“Mia, you almost gave me a heart attack,” she cries, her eyes red-rimmed, but it’s the shadow of pain in her eyes that steals my breath away.
“Nicky, what happened?” I croak again, the blank space in my mind too intense for me to handle.
“You passed out,” she cries, tears streaming down her face like an endless river. I can see the sorrow in her eyes as she stares at me. “I think you had an anxiety attack.”
“I have to go,” I murmur, pushing away from the chaise lounge but she pulls me back down.
“Stop, Mia,” she pleads, making confusion run through me.
“No, Nancy!”
> She was having a seizure, and she couldn’t breathe. Did I do something? Did I help? I go to get up again, but just like before, Nicky holds me back, her hold surprisingly strong.
“No, Mia, you can’t go there,” she whispers hurriedly.
“No,” I try to shake off her hold, but she only holds on tighter. “Nicky, I need to see her! Let me go, please.”
“Mia, baby,” she starts as she grabs both my hands, looking me dead in the eyes. My heart starts racing as a cold shiver snakes down my spine. “Mia, I need you to focus and listen to me. You can’t go back there.”
“What?” I demand. “Why?”
She doesn’t respond, instead she seems to harden right in front of my eyes. The tears stop falling down her cheeks. The slight tremble in her body stops all together and I feel my stomach lurch, feeling the dread settle in the pity of my stomach.
“Mia, you need to go.”
And there it is.
“What?” I croak, blinking up at her like a cartoon character. “What did you say?”
She doesn’t answer as she gets up hurriedly and moves across the room like a tornado, almost blurring right in front of my eyes.
“You have to get out of here,” she says, moving around the small room. She grabs a backpack, then she starts stuffing things in it. Water bottles are put in there, bands of hundred-dollar bills are put in there. Then she stuffs something that looks like a new passport that I know isn’t mine. My passport has a black leather Prada Saffiano case that covers it. The one Nicky just stuffed in the bag looks new where mine is older.
Where did she get that from?
“Use these documents when you’re far from Palos Verdes,” she says, her voice low and strained like she’s running out of time. “Actually, try to make it out of California.”
Make it out of California?
“What’s happening?” I whisper, my body now trembling as sweat dots my brow. I think I’m going to be sick. “Why are you kicking me out?”
I’ve always known she doesn’t want me, but even after all these years? Is this a replay of when I was born and she threw me away in the trash?
Maybe this is the version where she kicks me out of her lying, conniving, asshole of a fiancé’s house because Nancy…
She doesn’t seem to care that I’m practically marinating in guilt, self-hatred and a kind of pain that I’ve never felt before. My head starts hurting, my vision dims and blurs, but I still manage to follow her figure around the room as she grabs a hoodie from somewhere and stuffs it in the bag as well.
“Throw away your phone or smash it and abandon it with the car. Buy a new phone. One of those old ones that can’t be traced.”
“No…” I whisper, but she doesn’t stop, nor does she waver. She keeps going like a machine, or a monster who wants me out. I want to beg her not to do this. I want to open my mouth and say something, but I can’t. I just sit there, staring at the epic disaster that is my life. “I need to see her.”
She ignores that too. “You parked your car behind the trees, right?” she looks over her shoulder at me but doesn’t look me in the eyes.
“I need to see her.”
“Mia, did you park your car out there, hidden among the trees?”
“Yes,” I croak. “What’s going on?” I can’t help the fear that seeps into my voice or the anxiety that’s now gripping me by my throat.
Oh God, what happened? What did I do? I must have done something to deserve this or else, why is she acting like this?
“You need to abandon that car. They can track it. Break all the windows to throw them off,” Nicky says, her movements fast and efficient, almost hypnotic as I stare.
“Throw whom off?” I whisper. “What’s going on?”
“Mia,” Nicky says, grabbing my hands with a tight grip, her eyes filled with tears but there’s no fear. It’s like she’s holding it all back, forcing herself to be nothing but strong—something I’ve always suspected was there along. My aunt/real mother has always portrayed herself as a bit too naïve, falls in love often but never stays in it. Some would think that she was a bit too vain, but Nancy always said otherwise and now, as I look into her eyes, I see what Nancy meant.
There’s something in her eyes, something like determination and steely resolve that now stares back at me.
“Baby listen to me, okay,” she starts, her voice low and hurried, like her frantic movements before. “Nancy is gone.”
“No,” I gasp, as a violent shudder goes through me. I feel like my heart is being shredded into pieces with those three words. “No.”
“She’s gone, Mia,” Nicky repeats, her voice hoarse, weird and grating at my nerves with the raw emotion in it.
No! No! She’s not gone.
But she is. I saw it in her eyes. I was looking into her eyes when the light was snuffed out. I saw it happen and I did nothing.
“It’s my fault,” I croak. “She needed me and I just… I killed her.”
“No!” Nicky says vehemently. “Don’t you dare say that! You did no such thing.”
I did though. I have her blood on my hands.
“Listen to me, there was nothing you or anyone else could do for her. Her time was up. We knew that it was only a matter of time.”
But it wasn’t supposed to happen like that. She wasn’t supposed to go like that… my God.
Nicky grabs my upper arms then she starts shaking me slightly as if to get my attention, but I feel like I’m hovering over a dark, unknown edge.
“Mia!”
Everything is surreal, like in an alternate universe. I feel lethargic, heavy and so, so cold inside. I can hear my heart hammering in my chest, beating so hard, my ribs are going to crack.
“Mia, listen to me right now.”
Cold fingers grab my chin, forcing my head up. Nicky stares at me, her lips pressed in a firm line. Something is seriously wrong here.
“Please.” I have no idea why I’m begging, but it falls from my lips like a litany. A litany that will go unanswered as always. “Please, don’t send me away.”
“Mia, you have to go. You can’t stay here, it’s not safe for you anymore.”
Safe? I don’t give a damn about my safety. Nancy is dead.
“No, I’m not going any—”
“Baby girl,” she says, cutting me off in a rush. “I’m going to need you to make yourself numb right now. You’re emotional, it’s understandable in this situation but it will also get you in so much trouble and I can’t have that. So, stuff it all in. At least for now.”
Stuff it all in? Trouble?
“Everything is going to be all right. You just need to go, right now.”
How is everything going to be all right by kicking me out?
“Why?”
“For your safety and for the sake of your future, Amy, you need to go,” she whispers urgently, her body coiled tightly like she’s anticipating an unknown danger. Who is Amy? But that’s not important right now. I’m not leaving like this.
“No.”
“I’m not asking and this isn’t a debate,” she grits out, anger and frustration etched on her face. “Go now!”
“No, please don’t…”
“Mia, baby, we don’t have a choice in the matter.” Fresh tears start falling down her cheeks, the desperation in her eyes tugging at the broken pieces of me.
Something is wrong. There’s danger here… I can sense it in the air.
“No, I’m not going anywhere,” I cry, and she shakes her head.
“You have to. I need you to stay low for now and if anything happens to me, don’t come back to this town.”
No!
“What do you mean if anything happens to you? We’re going together, right?” I demand, eyes wide with terror.
“To keep you safe, I can’t come along. I need to stay here,” she says, as she looks up like she’s waiting for something to happen. “You have to go alone.”
“No! I’m not going without you.”
&nb
sp; “Baby girl, I’m going to need you to be brave right now, okay,” she says, touching my face like she’s committing it to memory. Like this is the last time she’s ever going to see me. “I need you to be smart, strong and cautious. Blend in. Don’t get in contact with anyone from this damn town, not your friends from school, or your dance teacher. No one. Get out of the country if you must, just don’t let them find you.”
It’s the urgency of her voice and the shudders that rack through her body that tell me more about how fucked up everything is right now than anything she’s saying.
“Who are you talking about?” I whisper. “Why is this happening?”
“I’m talking about keeping you safe and out of danger. I need you to not let them get you, Nathan especially.”
“Dad?” I whisper, that fear making my stomach feel like I just drank acid, everything hurts like there’s a fire consuming me from within. “But…”
“I know you think he’s a great man, but that’s because you’ve suppressed all your memories about him. The kind of man he is. What he did, you forced yourself to forget and I don’t blame you,” she grits out, anger lighting her eyes. “That man would use you as kindling for the fire if he wants to.”
Dad? No. He wouldn’t, would he?
Nicky grabs the backpack she packed, then helps me to put it on my back. My arms go up when she moves them, directing me like a puppet.
“What?” I whisper, as something in me seems to break like I’m tapping into the dark recesses of my mind.
“Mia, I know forgetting has allowed you to move on and maybe it’ll help you this time but I think not knowing will get you killed,” she says with a shudder, her voice shaky as she palms my cheeks, then she touches my shoulders as if looking at me for the last time. No…
“I don’t understand why you’re sending me away,” I cry, letting the dam break loose as I burrow into her and cling to her like I’d rather be super glued to her than take one step out there where I’ll be lost. “Please, I know I didn’t take the news that you’re my mother well, I know I haven’t been good, but please don’t leave me alone…”
She holds me tight, her heart beating wildly in her chest. Then I feel her kiss at the crown of my head.
Cruel Kisses: It’s Just High School #2 Page 5