Flawed Choices: A Bully Romance

by J. L. Ostle

  He doesn’t move, he just stands there. I start to feel self-conscious. I know they saw me in my underwear when I was drunk and drugged but I didn’t care then. Now I feel overexposed. I wait for him to walk away, to close the door and go but he steps in, closing the door behind him.

  He walks slowly towards me, and when he is in front of me, he tucks some of my hair behind my ear, his fingers stroking my cheek before he cups my chin, lifting my head, looking down into my eyes.

  “I have to do this before I know I can’t anymore.” I don’t have time to ask what he means when his lips slowly touch mine. Unlike the kiss in the boys’ locker room, this time it’s gentle, soft. His hands hold my waist. He doesn’t try to deepen the kiss or push for more. He steps back and closes his eyes for a moment before turning around. He stands there for a moment, looking to the ground. He walks to the door, opening it again. “I’ll see you out there.” His voice is just above a whisper. He closes the door behind him.

  I press my fingers to my lips, feeling a tingly sensation. I quickly get into yoga pants and a different tank. When I walk to the living room, the guys are in the kitchen area, talking; it seems like a serious conversation.

  They walk back, and Axel and Elijah look a little confused. “We’re going to take off,” Elijah says. “It’s getting late and we’ve interrupted most of your night. Enjoy the rest of your pamper session.”

  “Don’t miss us too much. We’re just the floor below, so if you need anything, or want to have a pillow fight, just give us a call.” Axel winks at us before they start to leave. Lucas is the last one. He turns, facing me, his eyes piercing mine. It’s like he’s trying to say something in that look alone then he’s gone.

  I quickly tidy things up Aisha takes a seat on the breakfast island, watching me. “What happened in the bedroom?”

  I stop for a moment. “Nothing.” It was more than nothing.

  “I know something happened. I know those boys didn’t have any intention of leaving any time soon. What happened? Was he being a dick again? I swear he needs to stop being so power-hungry.”

  I palm the counter. “He kissed me.”

  “He kissed you?”

  I nod. “I was in my underwear, then he walked over and kissed me. It was such a sweet kiss and then the next thing I know they’re all leaving.”

  “What do you think that means? I think he really likes you. Anyone can see that. But to leave? That I don’t get.”

  Neither do I. “I think it was just a lust thing. To get it out of his system. Like you said, he left, so let's just pretend it didn’t happen,” I tell more myself than her.

  She helps me tidy up. “If you say so. I guess nothing could happen anyway because this time next week it will be back to normal. It will be just us two.”

  I smile at her. “I’m happy that there will be no more drama. We can have girly nights with no boys ruining it. I’m just happy that it will stop me being told what to do.” We both laugh.

  Once the place is back to its tidy state, we grab blankets and pillows, putting our feet on the coffee table, watching Netflix until we are ready to pass out.

  All I can dream about is the kiss.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Sunday came and went. We had a lazy day, chilling out, playing with each other’s hair, pigging out on junk food. When it got to the evening, I was surprised I didn’t hear from any of the guys. I would have thought they would have come up as they have done for the last four or five days, but I don’t hear a word.

  Monday morning comes, and we decide to walk to campus rather than taking Aisha’s car. Again, I thought I would have bumped into them, but we didn’t. When we get to school, people are staring and whispering at me. I know I definitely never did anything.

  “Why are people looking?” I ask Aisha.

  Her eyes scrunch up a little, just as confused as I am. “I don’t know. I think these people are on something.”

  I link my arm with hers. “What if something has happened? What if there’s a rumor or I’m framed for something?” All these things have happened to me.

  “We’re going to sit down at some point and I want to hear everything that has happened to you because it sounds like a movie. I’m sure whatever is going on, it won’t be long until we find out what.”

  We go to our classes as normal. I feel like everything is dragging, I just want it to be lunchtime so I can see the guys so they can fill me in with what is going on around here; they know everything.

  When it does reach lunchtime, Aisha and I walk to the cafeteria; like always, everyone is in their seat. I walk over and everyone’s eyes avert from mine. That’s strange. I tap Lucas’s shoulder. I’m smiling until he turns and his face is blank.

  “Hey, do you know what’s going on around here? People are whispering, and as you know everything, I thought you could fill us in.” I keep the smile on my face, hoping he will return it.

  He looks at me like he’s bored. I don’t see the warmth in his eyes that I normally see. My smile starts to fall. “Why are you talking to us?” he asks.

  I look around the table, and nobody looks my way. Kimberly, on the other hand, is smiling like the cat that has the cream. Axel and Elijah are just sitting there, facing forward.

  “If this is a new joke, this isn’t funny.”

  Lucas stands, pushing his chair back, the squeak echoing around. “Listen, nobody, you are no longer allowed to go near us. What went on the last two weeks was a bit of fun, to see how far we could push you, to see what we could make you do. We told you to jump and you always asked how high. Once I knew you had a lock and key between your legs, it took the fun out of it.” His words were harsh, his jaw set.

  Why is he saying this? “Elijah? Axel?” It takes a lot for my lips to not quiver. “I still have five more days. If this is the scene you wanted to cause, fine, but just let me on it.”

  “DID YOU NOT HEAR ME?” Lucas shouts, and I jump back. “Everything was a game. Can you hear yourself? Five more days. It really didn’t take much for you to do as I said. One week we were mean, the second we tried to be nicey-nicey; it was to get into your head. By the hurt look in your eyes, I guess it worked.” He smiles evilly at me. Tears prickle my eyes. Last week they were too nice. I just thought it was because they started to care. I still don’t believe it. I can’t believe it. It can’t have all been a ploy. Lucas bends down so his face is closer to mine. “Aww, you’re not going to cry, are you?” He fake pouts before smiling again. “I guess this is a new torture to add to your long list of bullies. Next time, don’t try and cross me.” His eyes are stern.

  I feel my arm being tugged. “Come on, Lucille,” Aisha says softly “Let's go.”

  “Yes go. Go back to the hole you climbed out of.” He swishes me away. Kimberly stands, coming to his side, holding his shoulder, beaming.

  I want to slap them both. I want to slap all of them. But if that was my punishment because I threw water on him, I’m scared of what he would do if I did anything now. I know I need to walk away.

  I storm out of there, with them laughing behind me. Aisha is at my side, but I can feel the tears coming. I start to run to the girls’ bathroom, the place I keep relying on when I have a breakdown. I fall to my knees, the tears flowing. I ugly sob into the room. Aisha kneels down to me, pulling me so I cry into her shoulder.

  I can’t believe I fell for it.

  It was just one long game.

  I remember Aisha telling me they are called knights for a reason. They do and say whatever to get close to a girl. Even when she was ill, she said they could be fucking with me, but I ignored it. Now I know why people never cross them, because they find your weakness and exploit it.

  When I finally start to calm down, Aisha grabs some toilet paper, drying my face. I just sit there, looking into space. I hate that I let them in, I cared for them. I thought even after our pact was up, they would still be nice to me in their own way.

  The pact. The stupid pact.

 
; It was all bullshit.

  They did make me do things, told me what to do, and I did them. I obeyed their orders. Were our kissing moments planned or was that just an extra bonus for them? The look Lucas gave me, I know that couldn’t be faked. He looked at me like Kimberly does. With disgust.

  The whole school knows now.

  I am a joke.

  Just like they wanted.

  I need to start building up my wall again. It has been years since I let a bully hurt me emotionally. I will stay out of their way. They are nothing to me. They can burn in hell, but if any of them cross me, I will not be held accountable for what I will do.

  That’s when the door flings open. Kimberly is standing there with her phone, taking photos, laughing at me, Mercedes and Chloe are right behind her, egging her on.

  “Aww, did you really think the boys liked you? I have to admit, even I believed it. I guess they couldn’t fill us in as it had to be as real as possible.” She crouches down, looking into my eyes. “You are back to being a nobody. Nothing. Just a speck in the universe. So, how does it feel? To have let three guys fuck with your head? Good thing you didn’t let them in any further as if you did fuck any of them, I bet you would feel even worse right now.” She stands up. “I can’t wait to blow these pictures up and spread them all over school. Would you like any copies? To see what it looks like to hit rock bottom.” She bursts out laughing.

  I see red. I’m hurt and I’m angry. Right now, all I want to do is hurt her. I scream, charging at her, grabbing hold of her hair, pulling her head back. “I told you to not fuck with me!” I kick the back of her legs so she has no choice but to kneel down.

  “Lucille, don’t!” Aisha calls out to me.

  I lean my face close to Kimberly’s ear. “Yeah, they fucked me over. Yeah, I’m hurt, but it looks like I have to take it out on you now, don’t I?” I bang her head on the edge of the sink, and she cries out in pain. “Does that feel good?” I do it again. She is trying to scratch my face, but I knee her back.

  “You psycho!” she cries.

  I dry laugh. “Yeah, you see I have this problem. If I get pushed over the edge, I do things I shouldn’t. Why do you think I got kicked out of so many schools? Because people like you don’t know when to stop.” I dig my nails into her scalp. “I just know I have to be careful not to leave any permanent

  All I’m seeing is fog. My head is full of rage, and all reason has gone out the window.

  I look up to see Mercedes and Chloe are gone, probably to get the guys. I reach down to my suede ankle boot, getting my pocketknife. I show her it before gently stroking it down her cheek and her eyes widen in fear. “People like you are the ones who make people like me. I am not right in the head, Kimmy. I’m broken. I think you get that.” She nods a little. “I want you to leave me alone. I want all of you to leave me alone. I just want to finish here and leave.” I push her, and she falls to the ground, crawling before she stands. She opens the door, ready to run when I call out her name. She turns, facing me, her make-up smudged. “If you tell anyone, I will make sure I gut you before I leave this town.”

  With that, she runs. I would never do anything like that, it’s just said for protection.

  I don’t know if she will tell on me, go straight to the dean, but I know she’ll tell the guys. I wonder if they will punish me for what I did, but right now, I don’t care. Last Monday I was in the hospital, this week, I’m a joke at the school.

  I place the knife between my breasts in my bra in case they do a search later.

  I turn to Aisha and she looks horrified. I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t blame her if she ran away and never wanted to see me again. But she surprises me by taking my hand, giving me a warm smile, and we walk out and toward our class.

  I don’t want to go home; they will know they got me if I did. I don’t want to give them the satisfaction.

  Lunch isn’t finished yet, but we decide to wait outside the classroom. Soon the class starts to fill up. When the guys come in, I keep my face on my laptop. I can feel their eyes on me, but I don’t look. Again, I don’t pay attention in class. I don’t pay attention to any of my classes. My mind is running a million miles an hour.

  When school finally ends, I notice people moving out of my way, looking at me like they’re scared. I’m sure Kimberly has probably told anyone who would listen. I would have thought the dean would have pulled me aside, kicked my ass out of here, but I bet tomorrow will be a different story.

  Aisha and I walk to the apartment complex, and we’ve hardly say anything. I think she is waiting until we are alone behind locked doors. We’re only halfway there when someone pushes me. I turn around to see Kimberly and the three assholes standing there.

  “We need to talk,” Lucas says, crossing his arms.

  I look at him with disgust. I don’t even see him as the guy I go to know. That guy is dead. “I have nothing to say to you. Leave me the fuck alone.”

  I am tired. I am drained.

  He walks around, blocking me. “You pulled a knife out on Kimberly. Are you fucking insane?”

  I smile sweetly at him. “Have I not mentioned before that I’m broken? Did I not tell you when you were getting personal information out of me that people like you have messed me up? Well, this is the end result of it. If she didn’t come into the fucking bathroom, taking photos of me crying on the floor, laughing in my face, I wouldn’t have had to do it. If you want to go to the police, go right ahead. Want to kick me out of school? Good luck with that. I will fight you all the way.” And I will. I will lie if I have to.

  Lucas is taken aback. He turns to Kimberly, who is glaring at me. “Didn’t I tell you to fucking leave it? That I had dealt with it?”

  She shrugs, trying to look innocent. “Come on. I had to get my say after the way she spoke to me. I didn’t think she would pull a knife out on me, the crazy bitch.”

  I growl at her.

  “This isn’t over.” He points at me and walks over to her. “You come with me.” He pulls her arm and drags her away.

  Elijah and Axel look at me. I stare back, showing how much hate and loathing I have for them before walking away. Once I’m home, I feel like my chest is tight and I can hardly breathe. It’s like the anger sweeps out of me and all I feel is pain.

  I cry again, which I’m hoping is for the last time. Aisha looks after me and consoles me for the rest of the night.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  The next day I feel better. I still feel hurt and betrayed but I did a lot of thinking. Aisha and I talked about it. I finally told her everything about my past. I told her what happened to me when I was fifteen, and everything I experienced since. I even told her about my parents.

  I let everything out. It was nice saying it all out loud. It felt like some weight had been lifted. After my scary knife stunt yesterday, I hid it, not bringing it on campus grounds. I am sure everyone knows what I did now. I’m waiting for it to get back to the dean.

  When I reach campus, everyone is still staring and whispering. Yup, they know they have an insane student amongst them. Aisha links her arm through mine, telling me over and over that it will pass and next week I will be old news. I’m sure this school is getting a field day with my dramatic life.

  I freeze though when we get to the entrance door, my blood going cold. There is a picture of someone I haven’t seen since I was fifteen. I run towards it, pulling it off, seeing those dark green eyes. The ones I saw growing up staring back at me.

  It’s like I’m looking at a ghost.

  I open the doors to see photo after photo of a girl who was my best friend. Then there are pictures of me, back to how I used to look, splattered on every surface. The pictures cover the floors. Tears fill my eyes when I start trying to rip them all down. Everyone is watching me, murmuring, but I ignore them.

  Aisha is asking me over and over what is happening, what is going on, but it’s all white noise. When I get down the corridor, I almost trip when I see a huge photo hanging
of me and the old group of people I used to hang out with.

  People I want to forget.

  My stomach is starting to gurgle. I feel like I’m going to be sick.

  I hear people telling each other that something is happening in the cafeteria. I run that way, pushing whoever is in my way. When I get there, there are tables moved together. Kimberly is standing there with a projector shining on the wall. She smiles triumphantly when she sees me. I push through the crowd until I’m standing near the front. The picture I saw just before is shining on the wall.

  “Hello, Lucille. Glad you could join us,” she says into a microphone. “As you all know, Lucille tried to push her way through our rules. She thought she was all high and mighty. We tried to push her back into her place but even that wasn’t enough.” Her eyes are on mine. “She thought she could try and hurt me. I was planning on doing this last week, but now I think is the right time.”

  She hits play, and photo after photo of me shines on. “It looks like the girl who hates the popular people used to be one. I even made some calls to find out she was once upon a time a queen bee.” Then a photo of my old best friend is there. Seeing her smiling at me, tears fall down my cheeks. “Just like us, she had to follow certain rules. She could no longer be friends with this girl because she didn’t fit the right criteria. Her friends that were in the group bullied this girl, and Lucille let it happen. Did she try to stop it? No. Did she put her foot down? No. You try to act like you are better than us, but you aren’t. You are just one of us. You enjoyed the power and now everyone knows you are not just pathetic, you are a hypocritical ex bully, who still bullies, you just decide to bully those who outrank you. You call us names, you look at us with distaste. You fight dirty. That is a bully. Don’t you think, Lucille?”

  I open my mouth but it feels dry. No words come out; I don’t know what to say. Looking at the girl, the girl I once knew finally breaks me. Everyone is staring at me, but they are staring at me with indifferent, angry, or saddened faces.