by J. L. Ostle
Even after how Lucas spoke to me, I still miss them. They bombarded my life, made a dent in it, and it will take time until I’m used to them just being a part of the background. Until they are just a memory.
For the first time in so long, things feel normal, like a twenty-one-year-old should be experiencing. That night, Aisha and I decide to hit a bar. I have a couple of cocktails, but mostly soda.
Aisha and I are talking and laughing when the door opens. We both turn to see Lucas and his friends, and they are not alone. They have girls I don’t recognize on their arms. They look like Barbies with their platinum blonde hair, big boobs, and long legs.
Like they can feel someone watching them, they turn my way, surprise crossing their faces. They walk to the bar, ordering drinks. I turn away, not wanting them to ruin my night.
Of course they will show up in the place I’m in.
They really do know everything.
They might not have come here because of you. Don’t think so highly of yourself. If I could slap my inner thoughts, I would.
An hour or so passes and the girls’ laughter is irritating me. It’s like nails on a blackboard. It makes your ears want to bleed by the fakeness of it. I tell Aisha that I’m going to put some music on the jukebox. I will get us some drinks on the way back.
I saunter across the floor, thinking I want some nineties tunes on. I want some music I can bounce my head to, songs you have to sing along to. I’m still picking when I feel a body press up behind me. Heat radiates off him to me. I know who it is without looking.
“What do you want, Lucas?” I say with a bored tone.
He coughs, clearing his throat. “I wanted to see if you’re okay.”
“Isn’t it against the rules to speak to nobodies? Go back to your date.”
“You aren’t jealous, are you?” His voice is playful.
I turn around, facing him, showing no emotion. I just stare at him blankly. “No, I’m not. If you don’t mind…” I try to walk around him, but he takes hold of my hands.
“I wanted to talk to you.”
“Yeah, but you can’t because of these rules.” I air quote rules. “I don’t want to hear anything you have to say anyway. You got what you wanted. I am a nobody to everyone. No other person dares speak to me because they either think I’m a pyscho or an ex bully with problems. Just leave me alone. I am finally starting to be happy. Just let me have that.” I pull my hands away.
I walk over to the bar and he comes to my side. “Listen, what I did…”
“You mean shouting at me? Looking at me like I was shit on your shoe? Humiliating me? Oh, and I guess you know it was Kimberly who sent that pigs’ blood to me. I think you should just go back to your friends, Lucas.” I turn to see them. The girl who is his date is sending me daggers. Axel and Elijah are both watching us. “I think your date isn’t amused.”
He waves her off. “I don’t care about her…”
“You don’t care about anyone but yourself. All you think about is you. You what? Feel sorry for me? Don’t be. I feel better that I got my horrid past out there. I feel freer. I know Amelia would want me to be happy. I know I have done what I can to atone for doing nothing back then. Now I just want an easy life, and I can’t have that every time you feel bored and want to jump into it. Is that it? Are you bored? You want to see if I want you back in my life with open arms? Well, I don’t.” I place my order in. Before I have a chance to pay, Lucas does it for me. I scoff at him, bringing the drinks over to my table. Aisha takes hers, sipping slowly, her eyes going back and forth between us. “If you don’t mind. I want to enjoy being with my best friend.”
He blows out a breath. “You say I love the sound of my own voice but I think you like the sound of yours too. I want to apologize for the way I treated you. I handled it badly, okay? When you told me what happened to you in the past, well, some of it, it got me thinking, and then that kiss. I knew I had to let you go. I couldn’t be the one to hold you back from seeing your friends, to be around people like me as I know you deserve better. I thought you wouldn’t go unless I was that asshole you hate. I needed you to believe it.”
“And at the same time, to keep face with the student body. To put me in my place while you did it. You did a brilliant job. I never should have kissed you, any of you. I shouldn’t have let you into my life that easily. You hurt me.” My voice turns softer. “You three boys were the first ones I let in in so long, and you stomped all over it. I need to use the bathroom.” I walk away.
I don’t need to give him an explanation. I don’t want to hear what he has to say just because he feels bad. He never once tried to talk to me at school, but he can’t. He can do it outside of it, but that’s it.
I’m almost at the bathroom when my hand is being pulled and I’m dragged into a dark corner. Lucas looks behind him. I don’t have time to scream at him when his mouth crashes onto mine, kissing me, pushing his body into me.
I pull away, slapping him hard across the face, my chest rising and falling hard. He doesn’t move. He doesn’t say a word. His eyes just stare into mine, seeing that warmth, seeing something I wish I could unsee. I wrap my arm around his neck, bringing him down into a heated kiss.
This isn’t soft or gentle, this is wanting. I jump a little, his hands lifting my ass, me wrapping my legs around his waist, my fingers gripping the back of his hair, kissing him with everything I have.
I’m showing him how much he hurt me, the pain, but I’m also showing him that I want him just as much. We’re panting into each other's mouths. I don’t want this to stop but I know I need to.
Deep down, I know this can never go anywhere. I won’t be some dirty little secret he hides behind closed doors. I unwrap myself from him, landing on my tiptoes, wiping my lips with my fingers, feeling my whole body shaking.
He cups my face, smiling warmly at me. He may think he wants this, but he doesn’t want it bad enough.
“Lucas.”
He covers my mouth with his hand. “No, I know that tone. Please. I fucked up, I know I did, but I can’t get you out of my head. I miss being around you. I miss that smart-ass mouth of yours. I need you.”
“You know this won’t work. You have rules to follow, remember? I can’t join you again. I can’t be around that. I’m sorry, Lucas, but I can’t.”
I walk to the bathroom. I look into the mirror, seeing my reflection before bowing my head. Why did he have to kiss me? I’d rather hate him than feel like this.
He did so many bad things to me and yet he did some good things too.
I ask Aisha if we can go. I walk past the table and Lucas is watching me while his date has her arm around his shoulder, her boobs pressed up against his arm. I look away.
I tell Aisha on the walk home what happened, and she clicks her fingers. “I told you he likes you. I knew he did all that to push you away, but he did it for you, to get away from that group. He was setting you free.”
“By humiliating me in the process. Aisha, I can’t go back there. You and I both know it will never work. Nothing will change. In a month’s time, I am sure he will move on and forget about me.
“If you say so,” she sing songs.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Yeah, I thought that would be it, but boy, was I wrong. The following day, I get a knock on my door on the hour of every hour during working hours, with flowers being delivered. Cards from Lucas telling me that he isn’t ready to let me go and that he will find a way to make this work.
How can it though?
He ignores me at school, but once we walk out, he is my doting boyfriend? The guy I’m dating? Seeing? I don’t even know what we would be.
This continues until Sunday.
My whole place looks like a florist. It smells heavenly but I have no place for them all. There are all different kinds, dozens of them, everywhere.
Aisha has joined his side, but I need her to be the voice of reason and not to fall for these gestures. I even bet Aisha that by Monday
he won’t say a word to me. He is all talk.
That’s all it is.
When it does reach Monday, we walk to campus, and my mouth hangs open when I see petals everywhere. They cover the parking lot and the corridors inside the building. My heart is starting to beat faster.
“Oh my God.” I press my hand to my chest.
Aisha jumps up and down, shrieking in joy. “He has done this for you. I bet it’s him.” She pulls my arm, making me walk faster.
We follow the petals, like we’re walking down the yellow brick road. It guides us to our first class, and I stop when I see Lucas standing there. Axel and Elijah are standing behind him with huge smiles. I walk slowly towards him and he smiles warmly down at me. He takes hold of my hands. Everyone has surrounded us, seeing what is going on. I look to our joined hands, that electric current running through me.
He is doing this in front of everyone.
“Lucille, you have turned my life upside down. I have never met a girl like you. You fight me on everything. You have a heart of gold, even though it can be misguided.” He chuckles, and I giggle, my heart swelling. “You were right. All I thought about was being on top, following the rules that have always been set. I never thought about anything else. I never thought I would meet a girl who would let me see things through a different pair of eyes. Who made me questions things around me. I do wish I met you under different circumstances, not being who I am, but it may not have brought me to you. I tried to push you away. I tried to not care about you. But I do. My life hasn’t been the same since last week. The way I treated you, the things I said were cruel. I know we hardly know each other, not really. But I want to know everything about you. We have been through some crazy shit.” We both laugh. “But I need you, little one. I want you in my life. Fuck the rules. Fuck being on top. Fuck it all. As long as I can be with you, that’s all I need.”
Tears are falling down my cheeks. My heart is about to burst. He has done this in front of everyone, showing everyone that he is choosing me. “I need you too,” I whisper.
He smiles, lifts me, and spins me around before putting me back down and kissing me. Everyone starts clapping and whistling.
I look around to see everyone smiling, seeing that they are happy for us. Even Kimberly is joining them, clapping along. I look around and I swear my eyes must have played tricks on me because I was sure I just saw Amelia standing there, smiling before she was gone, swept away by the crowd. “I can’t believe you chose me.”
He takes hold of my hands. “I chose to be happy. You make me happy.” I beam up at him.
He leans down, about to kiss me again, when an arm goes around my shoulder. Axel is grinning from ear to ear. “So, I guess then that’s us off the cards. If our boy here doesn’t come up to scratch, just give us a call. I’m happy to replace him.” We all chuckle.
I look at Elijah, who is smiling, but it will be weird being with someone who is friends with people I have kissed. I guess that’s also in the past now. Aisha walks over, and Axel pulls her into his side. “So, what’s your story?” Axel asks her.
“It’s for me to know and you to find out, player.” Aisha smirks at him.
His smile reaches his eyes. “Now that is a challenge right there.” He kisses the side of her head.
I guess things can change.
I’m on a high all day. I can’t stop smiling and people are starting to say hello again, giving me little waves. I guess even though Lucas has broken the rules a little bit, people don’t want to get on the wrong side of him.
When it comes to lunchtime, we walk to the cafeteria, heading towards their table when Lucas pulls me down so I’m sitting in his lap. He pulls out a chair for Aisha to sit, and she grins.
“You look happy.” I point at her face.
“I am sitting at the popular table. I always wondered what it would be like.” She touches the table like it’s made out of gold. We all laugh with her.
Lucas looks at me and smiles. “I’m glad I can say you’re finally mine.” He pecks my lips.
“I guess I am. Who would have thought? I just hope you don’t go all dickish on my ass again.”
He laughs. “I am so going to enjoy getting to know every crazy thing about you.”
I bop his nose. “Be careful what you wish for. You may regret it.”
He kisses my lips. “Never.”
Read on for an excerpt of
Wanting Winter
A Dark Romance with Bully Themes
Excerpt - Wanting Winter
Chapter 1
Walking outside, I look through my bag for a cigarette and my lighter, and when I find them, I quickly take one lighting it up, inhaling the nicotine goodness. I only smoke when I'm drinking and right now I feel a little tipsy. The place is crowded with idiots and I had to have a few drinks to help bite my tongue where a few of these people are concerned.
“Hey Winter.”
I groan when I hear Patrick’s voice.
“What are you doing out here by yourself?” He comes to my side, and I take in another puff.
“I have like twenty other people near me.” I wave my hand around the people milling around.
He shakes his head chuckling. “You know what I mean.”
I do know what he means.
“The place was getting a little hot and I wanted to get some fresh air.” Which is the truth. I love college parties, well I love them as long as I don’t have to interact with people that I hardly know, but when the parties are in small houses where everyone cramps in together, it can put a damper on my mood.
“Having a good night?” he asks me, looking to the ground, kicking a stone.
“Yeah, it’s alright. Candice seems to be having fun.” I look back towards the house. Candice is my best friend who has the ability to have fun at a morgue. She is the party girl. She gets male attention and enjoys getting drunk so what else could you ask for?
“Candice always enjoys partying.”
I nod in agreement.
“So I was wondering—”
Oh no. He’s going to ask me out again. He’s been drinking, and when he starts drinking, he always hits on me. I have known him for the last five years, but I don’t see him in that way: never have, never will. He's a good friend, with shaggy black hair and brown eyes, but there's no attraction.
“If you wanted to go out sometime?”
I inwardly groan. “Patrick, we have been through this: I don’t see you like that.” I continue smoking.
“But if you would give me a chance.” He looks at me with puppy dog eyes.
“It's not about giving chances. I see you as a brother. It would be weird if we dated, and it's not fair to you.” I plead with him to drop it.
“You’re going to see that I am good enough for you one day and that I would treat you like a queen.” He gives me a wink and goes back inside.
I know he will ask again. He thinks that if he wears me down, I will crumble and say yes, but it won't happen. I'm not after any kind of relationship.
Been there, done that.
Got the t-shirt.
Men are assholes.
I had a boyfriend back in high school, and when he broke it off, it hurt. I didn’t see it coming. There were no signs—no signs that I saw anyway. I think deep down I scared him off with what I was after from the relationship, but it hurt more when I found out that it only took a couple of weeks until he was seeing someone else.
Fucker.
I told myself that if I ever get those gittery butterflies, that giddy feeling when I am around a guy, I will give them a chance, but until then I am not being in a relationship just for the sake of it. I also avoid doing one-night stands, so at the moment I am pretty wound up sexually. I am ready to cave, but the guys at this college see me as a challenge: a girl that hasn’t slept with anyone.
I take the last drag of my cigarette and stomp it out on the ground before heading back inside. I am near the door when I get a shiver; I feel like someone is wat
ching me. I turn around, looking at my surroundings but no one stands out. Shaking away the feeling, I head back in, the place now crowded with drunken students. The place already smells like stale alcohol, sweat, and smoke. I squeeze my way through the people until I get to the kitchen making myself a drink.
“Well, well, well, look who graced me with their presence at my party.”
I feel a hard body press against my back and I turn my head to see Joshua Thomson, the college player. He is the most wanted guy in school with his thick blond hair, some of which covers one of his eyes that are a light green. He’s on the football team, and I know his body is pretty lickable, but he's a well-known dick towards women.
Screws em’ and leaves em’.
“Feel honored that I came.” I push my back against him, making him walk backward. “Nice party.” I move to the kitchen counter, grabbing a towel drying up the spills before jumping up and taking a seat.
“I do. You’re the girl men want, but can never have. So how is Miss Ice Queen?” He smirks at me. He is lucky he’s good looking as his charm is as bad as a pile of shit. He is the main one to see getting between my legs a challenge.
“How is Mr. Blue Balls? Still dreaming of my tight pussy?” I lift one leg, placing it on the counter. I'm wearing black skinny jeans, but his eyes still go to my crotch.
“Always. I think if you let me give you one good fuck, it would melt some of that demeanor.” His eyes trail over my body.
“I will stick to my toys, but thanks for the offer.” I wink at him.
He steps in closer, getting between my legs. I look to his perfect green eyes—eyes that make women swoon—but they don’t work on me.
“I will fuck you, Winter. You will beg for more; you will beg me to make you come.” His voice lowers, his body pressed up against mine.
I am not completely immune: his body against mine feels really good. My core always aches for a physical release, something better than what my toys can give me, but I have very good willpower, even though my body is screaming at me to just let him fuck me.