Phantom Waltz

by Catherine Anderson

  She flinched as if he slapped her. “That isn’t fair.”

  “Fair? Are we playing fair, here? I’m sorry. I guess I missed it. I’m in love with you, damn it!” He swung his arm to encompass the ranch. “I’ve busted my ass for damned near a month, revamping my place to show you we can have a life together. Instead of being glad—instead of having the guts to at least give it a try—you’re running! The truth is, I scare you to death. Good old Paul, back to haunt us. You’re afraid of getting hurt, and you’re too big a coward to take that chance.”

  “That isn’t true!” she cried. “I’m doing this for you!” Tears rushed to her eyes. “You’re just too blind to see it!” Her face twisted, and she cupped a shaking hand over her brow. “I love you.”

  “You have a hell of a way of showing it.”

  “It’s the only way to show it! Do you think I don’t want all this?” Her voice went thin. “That it’s easy for me to turn my back on it? I want it so bad I can taste it! You’re offering me everything! Everything I ever wanted, ever dreamed of, a life with you, being part of your world! Oh, God. Even Wink! You even bought my horse back!”

  The agony in those words made Ryan’s stomach drop. His flare of temper went out like a candlewick, dashed with a gallon of ice water. He was guilty as charged. He had tried to make all her dreams come true. He’d worked and planned and then worked some more, creating a world expressly for her—so she could go wherever she wanted, when she wanted—so she could be around horses and ride again—so she could visit the wilderness whenever she wished.

  Looking at it all through her eyes, he tried to imagine how hard it would be to turn his back and drive away if he were in her shoes. He wasn’t sure he’d be able to. He’d seen the yearning in her expression so many times—a bone-deep yearning for all the things she’d loved and lost—which was precisely why he’d tried so hard to give all those things back to her.

  Yet she was prepared to leave … to simply turn her back on all of it, even on the horse that whinnied and called to her now—a horse that still remembered her and adored her after eight long years. It stood to reason that Bethany probably returned the animal’s devotion in equal measure.

  Yet she was still going to leave …

  Ryan’s throat closed off, and for a moment, he couldn’t breathe. There was only one reason she would go when she yearned to stay. She honestly believed it was the best thing for him. This wasn’t about her at all. It had never been about her. And she was right; he’d been too blind to see it.

  “Oh, Bethany,” he whispered. “I’m sorry.” He hooked a hand over the back of her neck and drew her face to his shoulder. “I shouldn’t have said any of that. I didn’t mean it.”

  Her hands knotted on his shirt, and she shuddered as a sob tore up from deep within her. “I—can’t—be—what you need, Ryan! No babies. Never any babies. M-maybe never any decent sex! I m-might die really young. And I c-can’t be a g-good rancher’s wife. I’d be a b-burden to you a-and everyone else!”

  Ryan made a fist in her hair and drew her closer. “Sweetheart, no. Listen to me. Are you listening?”

  She made a mewling sound and nearly choked, trying to hold back her sobs.

  “I love you!” he said fiercely. “If we can’t have babies, we’ll adopt.”

  “It’s not the s-same! Not for a man. And they might not approve me! You should have a f-family. You were meant to be a father. Just seeing y-you with T-bone, I knew that. You have so much love to give.”

  “Sweetheart, we’ll have a family. You want a dozen kids? Fine. We can go through a private agency. I’ve already put out some feelers to find out which ones are reputable. And who says it’s not the same? I’ll love adopted children just as much as I would my own.”

  “You say that now. How will you f-feel when you’re older?”

  “The same. If I can’t have babies with you, I’ll never have them with anyone. I may be a single father and adopt kids without you, but there’s never going to be another woman. You’re it for me.”

  “That’s s-silly. You don’t mean it.”

  “Oh, but I do.” Ryan turned his face against her hair. “I mean it, Bethany. With all my heart.”

  “Even if I can’t give you good sex?”

  “We won’t know about that until we try. Maybe it’ll be great, maybe it won’t. We’ll find a way, bottom line, some way that gives us both pleasure.”

  “Why should you s-settle for that?”

  “Settle? Bethany, I love you. I’ve followed a hundred dead ends, searching for you. Not a single one of those women ever meant a hill of beans to me. Just you. I’m not settling, damn it. If I could rope the moon and have any woman on earth I wanted, I’d choose you.”

  “Aren’t you hearing anything I’ve said? People like me live on borrowed time. Health risks, things we can’t prevent! I could get a blood clot next week and die on you. There you’d be, with a dozen adopted kids and no wife to help raise them. No! I won’t do that to you. I won’t!”

  Ryan tightened his hold on her terrified in that moment that he’d lose her if he turned her loose. “Then, at least stay with me ’til next week,” he whispered raggedly. “Let me have the seven days. Maybe I’ll get lucky, and there’ll be another week after that, and another week after that. Let me have what there is. Stay with me as long as you can. I’ll let you go when God takes you, and I’ll be thankful for every second He gives me, but I can’t let you go like this.”

  “You’re crazy.”

  “Yeah. You got that right. Crazy about you. Give me what you can. No one has any guarantees, Bethany. No one. We all live on borrowed time. And you know what else?”

  “No, what?” she asked shakily.

  “You won’t die on me. Forget that, lady. I won’t let it happen. I’ll watch your diet. I’ll have you on a treadmill every blessed day, and I’ll help you exercise your leg muscles in other ways to prevent blood clots. Plus I’ll have you working on this ranch, staying active. You aren’t going to die young, not on my watch.”

  She started to cry again, this time as if her heart were breaking. Ryan slipped his other arm inside the van to loop it around her, then hauled her close against him. He knew he’d won when she stopped resisting him and clung to his neck.

  He simply held her for a while, allowing her to cry. He had a feeling these were tears that had been eight years in the making, that she’d held them back for far too long as it was. When at last her sobs began to subside, he ran a hand over her slender back and whispered, “I love you. You can’t change that, Bethany. Done deal. And if you run from it, you’re going to destroy my life. Can you live with that on your conscience?”

  She laughed wetly, the sound muffled against his shirt.

  “Give me right now,” he urged. “No guarantees. I accept that, and I’ll take my chances. Just give me the time you can. Will you do that? Please?”

  “Oh, Ryan … how can I say no?”

  “Now you’re talkin’.”

  A shudder ran through her, and she sighed raggedly. “I guess we can give it a try,” she whispered. “At least until we see how the sex goes.”

  Red alert. Ryan tucked in his chin to look down at her. “No trial runs.”

  She raised her head to stare at him with huge, tear-drenched eyes that made him feel as if he was drowning in wet velvet. “But, Ryan, it might be awful. No promises. No commitments. Not until we know.”

  Though it was the most difficult thing he’d ever done in his life, Ryan grasped her by the shoulders and set her away from him. “No way, lady. If that’s all you’re offering me, I pass.”

  She blinked and rubbed at her cheeks. “What?”

  “You heard me. All or nothing. No conditions. You either come into this for better or worse, or it’s a deal breaker. I want you to marry me.”

  “But—”

  “No buts. When people love each other, really love each other, they take the lemons and make lemonade. I won’t settle for less. I want a woman
who’ll stand by me and stay with me, no matter what.”

  “You’re the one who’ll be stuck with a lemon!”

  “How do you know? I could be the world’s most rotten lover.”

  She swiped at her cheeks again, looking bewildered. “That’s dumb.”

  “I’ve had a few complaints.” He took a step back from the van. “Mostly not, but there you go. No telling how you’ll feel about it. And what’s the guarantee that things will remain status quo? Men get hurt and they get sick. A year from now, I could become impotent and unable to make love to you at all. You gonna hightail it then?” He backed up another step. “Thanks, but no thanks. I want promises, and I want commitments. If that’s not what you’re offering, I pass.”

  Her eyes turned a dark, stormy blue, and her brows drew together in a scowl. “This is stupid, Ryan. I’m giving you an out.”

  “Thank you. That’s very sweet, but I don’t want an out.” He braced his feet wide apart, folded his arms, and studied her, smiling slightly. “Well? You going or staying?” He glanced around them. “It’s gonna be hell to pay if you go. I never will live all this down, and concrete’s pretty damned hard to rip up.”

  She followed his gaze, finally really looking at the network of pathways he’d built for her. Her eyes filled with tears again, and her mouth started to tremble. “Oh, Ryan … I can’t believe you did all this for me.”

  “Only for you, and everyone knows it. Turn me down, and I’ll be a joke. The hired hands will be snickering behind my back for twenty years. Are you really gonna do that to me?”

  She shook her head, her gaze shimmering as she looked out over the lake. “There are walkways going everywhere! I could go and go and go.”

  “Anywhere you want, honey. Just, please, don’t go away.”

  She fixed him with worried blue eyes again and gnawed on her bottom lip. “I’m scared.”

  “Of what?”

  “That someday not having your own babies will bother you. That you’ll watch television sex and realize how boring I am and how much you’re missing.”

  Television sex? He usually changed the channel. Ryan looked at her sweet face and knew he could study it for a hundred years and never get bored.

  “You know that lady on the fabric softener commercial?” she asked in a squeaky voice. “The one that rolls over and bouncer our of bed with a big smile and puts on her jogging outfit to go running?”

  Ryan had absolutely no idea which commercial she was talking about, or how that had anything to do with anything. “Yeah.”

  “Well, I can’t roll over. I’m stuck the way I land. I have to pick up one leg and flop it, then the other leg and flop it. It’s more trouble than it’s worth.”

  He grinned. “In bed with me, rolling over will be a cinch. I’ll just tuck you up against me, and we’ll roll over together.”

  She wrinkled her nose. “I don’t bounce out of bed, either. It’s a big, major hassle every morning, and once I’m up, I’ll never jog anywhere.”

  “Sweetheart, what’s the point you’re trying to make? If bouncing and jogging were real high on my list, would I be standing here?”

  “I’m just afraid, Ryan. Someday you’ll watch a commercial like that, and you’ll feel like I’ve cheated you and hate me for ruining your life.”

  Ryan walked slowly back to the van. “Never. I swear it, honey. That’ll never happen.”

  He opened the door of the van then and bent to unfasten the restraints on her chair to push her back from the steering wheel so he could lift her into his arms.

  “What are you doing?” she cried.

  “I’m making up your mind for you,” he said as he swung her up against his chest.

  She clutched his neck and gave a startled laugh. “I can make up my own mind, thank you very much.”

  “Nope. I’ve got it straight from Sly. ‘Never stand around, waitin’ for a woman to make up her mind, son. Not unless you’re aimin’ to put down tap roots.’”

  “And what have you decided for me?”

  “That you’re staying,” he whispered. “You’re going to marry me, Bethany Ann Coulter. I’m not giving you any outs.”

  He bent his head to kiss her then, just as he’d yearned to do and dreamed of doing since that first night in her entry-way.

  He wasn’t disappointed. Her mouth was every bit as sweet as he remembered. After her first shy withdrawal, she parted her lips and surrendered that sweetness to him, and just as before, he felt the jolt clear to his boot heels. Holy hell, was all he could think. No matter how the sex went, it wouldn’t matter.

  He could live on her kisses alone …

  Chapter Fourteen

  Ryan carried Bethany halfway to the house before he came to a stop. Maybe some men could ignore the shrieks of that poor, damned horse, but he wasn’t one of them. He glanced down and saw Bethany gazing over his shoulder at the stable. U-turn.

  “I think you have some hellos you need to say.”

  Every step of the way to that horse stall, Ryan told himself there were some things more important than sex, and saying hello to a long-lost love had to be one of them. Wink had been just that to Bethany, one of the great loves of her life. I would have slept with my horse if Daddy hadn’t put his foot down, she’d told him that first night. Ryan had lost a big chunk of his heart to her then—seeing the love shining in her eyes, sensing her sadness because an intrinsic part of who she was had been stolen from her.

  This was important—a reunion after eight years of separation. He could make love to Bethany for the rest of their lives, but this special moment would pass, never to be reclaimed, not for Bethany or for Wink. Ryan had spent thirty-six thousand dollars so it could happen. He wanted both woman and horse to enjoy it. How else would he get his money’s worth?

  As they approached the stall, Wink started grunting again. Ryan had never heard a horse carry on so. “Listen to that. That’s as close to talking as I’ve ever heard.”

  When he reached the stall, he thought the mare might climb over the top to reach her mistress. Bethany threw both arms around the horse’s neck, Wink swung her head, and the next thing Ryan knew, he was playing catch-as-catch-can to keep hold of his girl.

  “Wink!” Bethany cried. “Oh, Wink!”

  Clasping her waist to hold her back from the gate so her legs wouldn’t be scraped or bruised, Ryan cried, “Bethany, for God’s sake, turn loose!”

  That wasn’t happening. She’d locked onto the mare so tightly, it would have taken a pry bar to break her hold. It got really messy after that, the mare grunting and whickering, Bethany sobbing and raining kisses on Wink’s nose. Ryan made a mental note to dunk Bethany in a trough and give her a good scrub before he locked lips with her again.

  When the wettest part of the reunion had passed, he gently put Bethany over his shoulder, which made her screech, caught her behind the knees, and unlatched the gate. After carrying her inside, he carefully lowered her onto the fresh mound of hay in one corner of the stall.

  “There,” he said with a laugh. “Now you two can make happy for as long as you want without me being caught in the middle.”

  Wink walked over, grunting and making shrill little sounds of greeting. The mare snuffled Bethany from head to toe.

  “Oh, Wink. My pretty lady! You’re so beautiful.” Bethany turned sparkling, red-rimmed eyes on Ryan. “Isn’t she gorgeous, Ryan?” She had cried so much, she sounded as if she had a clip on her nose.

  Ryan had already looked the horse over good. He raised one of the finest lines of quarter horses in the state and had seen nicer mares. “She’s the most beautiful little mare I’ve ever clapped eyes on.” He stepped close to run a hand over Wink’s rump, then gave her a pat. “I can see why she was a champion.”

  “There, you see, Wink? Ryan’s an expert, and even he says you’re the best.” Bethany kissed the horse’s muzzle again. To Ryan’s horror, Wink rolled her lip back and wiggled it all over Bethany’s face. “Kiss, kiss!” Bethany cried,
giggling and making smacking noises. “I taught her to do this,” she informed Ryan proudly. “She still remembers!”

  Ryan sat down beside her. “All I gotta say is, you’re washing your face, brushing your teeth, and gargling before I kiss you again.”

  Bethany rolled her eyes. “Wink doesn’t have germs. Don’t be such a priss.” She grabbed Wink’s halter strap and pushed the mare’s head toward him. “Say, ‘kiss, kiss.’ She’ll do it for anyone.”

  Ryan hiked up his arm to avoid the wiggling horse lip coming toward his face. “No, thanks. I draw the line at kissing a horse.”

  “It’s a special trick,” Bethany said, looking crushed.

  It was special, all right. Ryan sighed, lowered his arm, and let the mare wiggle her lip all over his face. It wasn’t quite as bad as he expected, but it wasn’t one of his favorite experiences, either.

  What a man wouldn’t do for love.

  An hour later, Ryan found himself eating steak sandwiches for supper in a horse stall. Wink’s entrée was sliced apples, which Bethany fed her, piece by piece, as she ate her sandwich. Somehow, this wasn’t quite what Ryan had envisioned as a romantic evening.

  “This is the most wonderful night of my life,” Bethany said with a glowing smile when she’d finished eating. She reached up to stroke her mare’s neck. “I never thought I’d see her again, Ryan. Thank you so much.”

  “You can thank me by riding her again.”

  Bethany paled. “I’m a little scared.”

  “Your saddle won’t come until next week. That’ll give the two of you plenty of time to get reacquainted and bond again. If I were you, I’d probably feel a little shaky about riding her again myself.”

  “Oh, it isn’t that.” Bethany rested her cheek against the mare’s velvety nose. “What happened wasn’t Wink’s fault. I’ve always known that, and I’d trust her with my life. If ever I get on another horse, it has to be her. It would break her heart if I rode someone else.”

  Ryan had to bite back a smile. She talked about Wink as if the horse were human. “Even though you were almost killed the last time you rode her?”