A Chip on Her Shoulder

by RJ Blain

  “I feel I should warn my brother of what I bring to his door.”

  I laughed. “You could warn him, but would he believe you?”

  “I am an archangel, Darlene. I cannot lie.”

  “He can know you speak the truth without believing a word you say. That’s how you lie without lying, isn’t it? You tell him a truth so absurd he can’t believe it, thus forgetting you’re incapable of lying. Thus you deceive him with nothing but the truth. You can also choose to withhold important bits of information. For example, I will not tell your brother I’m planning on taking over his domain for personal reasons, leading him to believe I’m selfishly working only to restore my brother to a sentient form. I understand human might be a stretch. But sentient rather than rodent would be an improvement.”

  “You are a truly terrifying creature, and I find the more you speak, the more terrifying yet endearing you become.”

  “Does that mean you think I’m good enough for your brother?”

  “I think you may be the most perfect punishment for him.”

  While I’d meant something entirely different, being the perfect punishment for the Devil would do if I got what I needed out of him. “That’ll work. So, see you soon?”

  “I will see you soon.”

  I hung up, and I smiled.

  The archangels appeared on my doorstep, and only the color of their wings distinguished them. I sighed at their lack of nipples, clucking my tongue and shaking my head. If Michael had kept the nipples he’d put on earlier, he might have classified as male perfection. “What a waste of such beautiful chests.”

  “You have a severe chest fixation,” Michael replied, and he gestured to his brother, who had red bands on his otherwise pristine feathers. “This is Gabriel. Arguably, we have the best relationship with our fallen brother, so that is why he has chosen to accompany us to our brother’s door.”

  “What an interesting human you are,” Gabriel said, his tone amused. “You will find my brother’s chest quite attractive, I do believe.”

  “Does he have nipples?”

  “He has all of the parts you, as a woman, find appealing.”

  Nice. “So he can make good use of his incubus powers?”

  “Indeed,” Gabriel replied.

  “Seduction of your brother is not off the table if it gets me what I want, and I do not have a problem with his tragically monogamous ways. I’m a selfish bitch, and I do not have any intention of sharing should I select a man.”

  Michael chuckled. “You are hardly a bitch.”

  “Have you met me? I’ve been planning murder all day, and I’m going to take over hell so I can murder the bastards, send them straight to hell, and resume what I started. This is not a job I wish to leave unfinished.”

  The archangels, for headless beings, had quite the stare.

  “What?”

  “I have never met a human so capable of good yet also so capable of evil,” Michael admitted. “It is quite startling, really. You have a strong capacity for kindness, but then I listen to you, and I realize your capacity for kindness is only equal to your capacity for…”

  “Evil? Cruelty? Savagery?” I thought about it. “Cruelty might be the word you’re looking for. And you’re not going to hurt my feelings admitting that. I plan on making that mafia outfit pay for what they’ve done to my brother. I am assuming, for better or for worse, they have done the same or worse to others.”

  “Would it soothe you to find out they have?” Gabriel asked, his tone curious.

  “Soothe isn’t quite the word I’d use. Would I intensify my efforts? Absolutely. If they’ve done this to others, it’s pretty obvious the justice system isn’t going to do jack shit for the other victims or their families. I’m happy to cut checks on their behalf and dish out the suffering.” I frowned, opened my front door, and gestured for the archangels to come inside. “This house isn’t much, but it’s what we have. I inherited it because my mother was worried Jonas would make a mess of things. I can’t say she’s wrong. I guess putting my brother on the coffee table counts as rude, but at least I’m keeping the television on for him so he won’t get totally bored while he’s a chipmunk.”

  The archangels walked to the coffee table and leaned over, which implied they had heads and peered at my brother in his glass prison.

  Jonas squeaked and retreated into one of his tunnel toys.

  “I guess he’s not really all that fond of archangels. I’m sorry he’s being rude.”

  “Your brother does not have your good tendencies,” Gabriel informed me. “His nature recognizes us for what we are, and he avoids us as a result. You have sufficient good tendencies to not be offended by our presence.”

  “I’m offended by your lack of nipples.”

  Michael laughed. “Then you may find our brother appealing. His chest is much like ours, although he prefers darker skin, and he takes a great deal of pride in his physique. Darker skin hides the soot, and he’s quite vain. He would spend many hours of every day preening if he had our pale countenance.”

  “So, you’re saying he’s a black man with a perfect chest? Are his nipples perfect?”

  “He is any color he wishes to be. He adapts to where he goes. If you want him to be pale for you, he can do that. If you want him to be dark skinned, he can do that. If you prefer the complexion of a bronzed Greek god, he can do that. He prefers pitch black skin because it makes it easy to hide the soot and reveals the sins of humankind with ease. He takes advantage of that. He will play to your prejudices.”

  “I see.” I frowned, as I certainly categorized people by their appearances, although I tended to keep an eye out for would-be rapists and the type of men who became loan sharks. “Let’s say I wanted to storm his gates and take over the place in an efficient fashion. What would win me the war? Because really, I need him dancing to my tune sooner than later so I can take on this mafia outfit.”

  Gabriel chuckled. “You could, I suppose, try asking him nicely. I do not believe that has been tried before.”

  “Really?”

  “He is who he is, and most who approach him do so expecting to bargain. They will tell him what they desire, he will counter, and the bargaining begins. No one asks him to do anything for nothing. A price is always expected.”

  “Interesting.” I opened the lid to my brother’s cage, plucked him out, and set him on my shoulder. “We have to go to pay the Devil a visit, Jonas, so stay there, behave, and try not to get kidnapped by some lesser devil or demon. I do not want even more work. You’ve given me too much work as it is. So, how does this work? How does a mortal make a trip to the Devil’s door?”

  Michael pointed at my brother’s sporty car. “You can take that to a gate, or we can teleport. It would be safer for the vehicle should we teleport. It will be less comfortable for you. However, we will give you the address to the gate so you may storm his residence at your leisure.”

  “Obviously, I am in your debt for this.”

  Gabriel waved his hand and a black leather briefcase appeared and hovered in the air. He took hold of the handle and offered it to me. “You will find the contents of this useful. Consider us as paid in entertainment at our brother’s expense. He has granted His blessing for our involvement, and He has granted us the freedom to deal with this situation however we see fit.”

  “But why? I’m just…” I waved my hand to take in our plain home. Having a home put us ahead of the game, but not by much. “Frankly spoken, we’re poor as dirt.”

  “The beauty of mortals is their ability to change this world, for better and worse. This is not linked to how little or much you make. You seek to sway the Devil. Should you accomplish your goals, you will change this world.”

  I considered that. “I could run his many hells like a real dictator and make people want to clean up their act so they don’t get an invitation to deal with me in a dungeon. I could inflict a lot of suffering given a dungeon and a good reason.”

  The first time I’d t
hought about killing a man, a friend of mine had been raped, and I’d spent many a night fantasizing how I could extend his misery as much as possible. I’d never been satisfied with my daydreaming.

  My friend had never recovered from the attack, and a year after her rape, she’d taken her own life.

  I’d learned a lot that bitter day.

  “While my brother has fallen, he becomes justice, often unseen and unknown. He is the judge and jury. And, however much he resents his role, he works as much for himself as he does for Him,” Gabriel said, and he gestured to my brother. “This may change your plans, but your brother does not have a place in the heavens as of this moment.”

  My brother squeaked at the archangel.

  I thought about my childhood and the various things my brother had done, and I could believe my brother had done far more evil than good in his life. “Yeah. We’re not particularly good people.”

  Gabriel reached out and stroked a finger over my brother’s furry head. “Humans can change. Your nature is often unpredictable. That is as much of a blessing as it is a curse. Only he can decide what he will do with the rest of his mortal life.”

  “He’ll cause me more trouble, that’s what he’ll do,” I muttered.

  Both archangels laughed.

  My brother squeaked a complaint and waved his tiny rodent fist.

  “What’s in the briefcase, and should I take it when I stage my invasion?”

  “It has paperwork, a laptop, and some funds to help you with your conquests.”

  I blinked, sat down on the couch, put the briefcase on my lap, and opened it up. Several stacks of hundred dollar bills, the promised laptop, and some paperwork filled the briefcase along with several pens. “I don’t understand.”

  “The money will aid you in your cause and will close doors for my brother to manipulate you with. With the money, you have no need to bargain with him for it. No is a powerful word. Use it on him often,” Gabriel advised. “The laptop is a new mortal tool, and you can use it for many things, including monitoring baby Kanika’s progress. You will have a login with the CDC, and they will update it monthly so you can track her progress. If you become concerned, you can then act as needed. The cash is sufficient to grease the wheels of your revenge.”

  “Shouldn’t you be discouraging me from seeking revenge?”

  Michael strolled around my living room, examining the pictures of my mother and father near the television. “You call it revenge. We call it justice. Your motivation is revenge, yes, but you will be doing great good for others in the process. We are merely removing some of the problems that would bar your path. He uses you for the sake of justice. You would be wise to remember that. Your brother is likewise being used. He works in mysterious ways. Do bring our brother down low. He deserves such torment.”

  “Do you love or hate your brother?”

  “We love him, of course. He deserves everything you will do to him. Do not hold back.” Michael picked up the picture of my father. “These pictures are filled with your love. We could tell you of their fate if you would like.”

  “You can? They didn’t just go wherever they were supposed to go after death?”

  “Death is merely an ending and a beginning. Not all souls are suited for the heavens or the many hells. Your parents loved each other dearly. Heaven is only one of the many rewards He can grant worthy souls. He felt they were deserving of a second chance of a happy life together, so that is their fate. They grow, already smitten with each other, for their souls find comfort in each other.”

  “You can guarantee happiness in a future life?”

  “To a certain degree.”

  “Why can’t you do that for Kanika?”

  “We could give her a kind childhood but rob her of true joy. It would be cruel of us to do such a thing. She will grow in adversity, yes, but her challenges will one day become her greatest triumphs. Allow her to endure life’s discomforts. Only then will you be able to accomplish your long-term goals. This will displease you. Take your temper out on our brother in the meantime. If he cannot handle you at your worst, he does not deserve you at your best.”

  I closed the briefcase and rose to my feet, petting my brother with my free hand. Jonas wisely kept his teeth to himself. “Take me to your brother, please. And could you do me a favor?”

  “What favor?” Gabriel asked.

  “Tell me everything these bastards have done. I want to make sure their punishment fits their crimes.”

  “You will be challenged to make them suffer sufficiently. If you wish to learn their crimes, speak to our brother of such matters. You will learn all you need to know.” Gabriel held out his hand. “We will take you straight to his gates, but I recommend you knock before you storm. It will be more entertaining for you should he have time to shore up his defenses. That will make your victory over him all the more satisfying.”

  Five

  Would anyone believe you?

  I held Gabriel’s hand, and a blinding light enveloped me. Spots filled my vision, and when they faded, a dark, barren landscape stretched out to the horizon, and gouts of flame shot towards a brimstone sky. Smoke filled my lungs, but rather than cough and splutter, the burn faded within a few breaths.

  “His gift,” Gabriel informed me, giving my hand a squeeze. “Your brother benefits as well. My brother’s residence is behind you, but look closely at this landscape and think long on its existence. What do you see?”

  In the brilliant blooms of flame, crystals jutted from the scorched ground, capturing the fire in their clear hearts.

  “It’s beautiful,” I whispered, marveling at how something so desolate could hide so much. “What are those stones?”

  “My brother’s many hells are the birthplace of all jewels, for beauty so often requires adversity. You can find every stone throughout the universe here. Some are ugly, some are beautiful. Unlike the heavens, my brother’s many hells touch all places within the universe. That is a secret most do not know.”

  “Yet you’re telling me where my brother can hear?”

  “Would anyone believe you?” Gabriel replied in an amused tone.

  Huh. “Now that you mention it, probably not. Is it all like this?”

  “No, not at all. There are many layers to my brother’s many hells. Hell is unique to every soul. Should you earn a punishment from my brother, he will take you to the various options, I am sure.”

  “You sound way too happy about the idea of me facing a punishment from your brother there, Gabriel.”

  Michael laughed. “It is not much of a punishment if she likes it.”

  Oh. Oh. My eyes widened. “Nobody told me archangels were perverts. I feel like I have been deceived.”

  While headless, I got the feeling the archangels both smiled.

  Freeing my hand from Gabriel’s, I turned to face the Devil’s home. In some ways, the sprawling stone structure reminded me of a gothic cathedral blended with a fairytale castle, with tall spires, looming crenellations, and a startling lack of gargoyles. A stone wall topped with wrought iron surrounded the place, short enough I could see over it but tall enough I’d have to put a little effort to get inside if I didn’t opt to walk through the open gate.

  The urge to close the gate so I could storm the place properly settled in, and I eyed the entry, debating if I wanted to make things more difficult for myself. “Think he’s expecting company?” I spied an intercom mounted into a post, positioned where a driver of a car might be able to press the button and gain access. “This is rather civilized.”

  There would be plenty of time to be rude soon enough, so I strode to the intercom and pressed the button, amused at the chime that came from the speaker.

  “If I didn’t want you to come in, I wouldn’t have left the gate open,” a gruff, deep voice announced, and the intercom fell quiet.

  “Is that your brother?” I asked.

  Michael patted my shoulder and gave me a gentle push in the direction of the looming structure. �
��Indeed. He is annoyed. His voice gets growly and deep when he is annoyed. His guests have likely annoyed him.”

  “But I haven’t even done anything to annoy him yet. I mean, I’m going to annoy him. I annoy just about everybody.”

  “The damned souls,” the archangel clarified.

  Oh. Right. Them. “You call them guests?”

  “It is polite.”

  “Would you say they deserve to be here?”

  “Absolutely,” Gabriel confirmed.

  “Call them fucking assholes,” I suggested. “Guests sound like they don’t deserve to be here.”

  “You are a ruthless being.”

  I marched down the cobbled driveway, which ended in a huge circle outside of the Devil’s front doors, which were fashioned of wrought iron and decorated in a rose and thorn motif. “I’m just getting started. I hope your brother is hot. He better be hot.”

  The archangels followed me, and after a moment of hesitation, Michael asked, “Why must my brother be hot? Which sort of hot are we discussing here?”

  “The kind of hot that tempts me into taking my clothes off. If I have to run this joint for a minimum of sixteen years, probably a lot longer than that, I’m going to need a lot of attention to put up with a bunch of fucking assholes. It’s probably hard work educating a bunch of fucking assholes about why they should clean up their act in their next life, assuming they get one.”

  “He has all of the powers of an incubus,” Gabriel reminded me.

  “That doesn’t mean he’s hot. It means he has extra tools at his disposal to make me not care if he’s as ugly as sin, but give me a break. I want him to be hot. I need some sort of perk outside of doing a lot of justice while also securing revenge.”

  “You worry me,” the archangel muttered.

  “I figure I became psychotic around the same time those assholes turned my brother into a chipmunk. Then to see that some assholes put a baby on a fucking cargo boat and abandoned her? Yeah. I’m a little psychotic right now. I want the fuckers responsible for that.” I marched up the steps to the door, grabbed hold of the knocker, which was shaped like a rose, and banged on the door. I smacked it three times before searching for a peep hole. I scowled at the lack of a peep hole. “How the hell does he check who is at his door?”