A Chip on Her Shoulder

by RJ Blain

  The Devil’s amusement would be my enjoyment, and if my memories would fail me soon enough, I wanted to remember his gentle affection.

  Nine

  Just keep your hands from wandering inappropriately.

  A wiser woman would have kicked the Devil out of her home, but I invited him to straddle my lower back and play with a rather lovely spot. As expected, he possessed a gentle touch, and he took fiendish delight in stroking my fur. The instant he figured out the spot made me purr, he chuckled and indulged me. “I see I am being cruelly used for your pleasure.”

  Yep. “I like back rubs, too.”

  “Women usually do. It’s not counting spots if I’m massaging you, is it?”

  “Just keep your hands from wandering inappropriately.”

  “Most cruel,” the Devil murmured.

  “My brother will disapprove of anyone giving me a back rub, so you can indulge in your evil ways through quiet feuding with a chipmunk. While you’re rewarding me with a back rub, I’m going to plot revenge.”

  “You don’t have a chip on your shoulder. It’s a mountain,” the Devil muttered. “It has been centuries since the last time I was actually concerned over how far a mortal would go.”

  “Are you going to bitch and moan about the lethal poisoning thing again?”

  “It is disturbing I feel I must, as you will not.”

  “Well, yeah. I’ve the word of an archangel he can deal with the whole poison thing. Pain and suffering aren’t really my thing, but I’ll deal with it for the sake of some justice mixed in with a healthy dose of revenge. Maybe you’re the one who needs a back rub. Do you even know how to relax?”

  “If I say I know how to relax, does that mean I won’t get a back rub?”

  The Devil amused me. Had anyone told me I would like him a few days ago, I would have laughed long and hard. “I’ll think about it.”

  “We are making your brother rather uncomfortable for some reason.”

  “That’s because he’s almost as much of a pervert as he is an asshole.”

  “I’m a pervert,” the Devil announced with pride.

  “You’re a lecherous spot counter, it’s true. More rubbing, less talking,” I ordered.

  “Bossy.”

  I stretched, cradled my head in my arms, and waited for my owed massage.

  If anyone learned that the Devil had magical hands meant for offering massages, he would be mobbed, I would be robbed of future back rubs, and I bet he could gather the souls of many in exchange for his work. It took him all of five minutes to reduce me to a purring mess.

  “This is how you work a woman, Jonas. First, you buy her nice things. Your sister seems to have a strange appreciation for hot beverages perverted into becoming cold beverages. Find out what they like and make small offerings to test the waters. Should the tentative offering be accepted, you begin the next phase.” The Devil’s fingers dug at my right shoulder, and I melted under his touch. “Most women will turn into women-shaped puddles when properly massaged. This makes them rather pliable, although some have hidden swords rather than bone for spines, so they are only pliable for however long you’re massaging them. You need to be clever about the timing. Seduction attempts are far more likely to succeed should you pounce during a massage when she is happy, relaxed, and potentially more receptive to your pouncing. Weak men, much like that Lorenzo Gallo fellow, are unclear on the concept of how to make a more satisfying conquest. Really, it’s a much more intense power trip when you get a woman to beg through a drawn-out seduction. Of course, there is a time and a place for tortured screams, but it’s ideal if your woman wants to help you make the screaming happen with a mutually disliked target.”

  My brother’s indignant squeak from his cage on the coffee table made me giggle.

  “He is absolutely horrified I am educating him on the art of seduction while I have my hands all over you, his sister. It’s delightful. I am accomplishing so much through a single act. I haven’t had this much fun since my last visit to my dungeon to give some fucking assholes some personal attention.”

  “You’re going to ruin your reputation if you keep this up,” I warned him. “You have ventured into gentleman territory, and your reputation very clearly states there is nothing gentlemanly about you. Yet here we are, with you trying to teach my brother to be a slightly perverted gentleman.”

  “But will gentlemanly behavior result in me being able to count extra spots today?” the Devil asked. “Some sacrifices are worth making, especially if there might be some pleasant screams in my future.”

  I could think of three types of screams, one of which belonged in the positive category and two which belonged in the fear and suffering categories. Upon close consideration, depending on how the Devil’s dates with his succubi went, I would consider being game for all three, although the Devil would have to earn his keep if he wanted me in any position where I might be screaming for any reason. “Do you count Gallo’s screaming as pleasant? Because I am not a good person right now, and I would be very pleased by his screams.”

  “After today, his screams will be the sweetest of music in my dungeons. Does an extra good massage earn me an extra spot? I’d really like an extra spot.”

  I pointed at a random spot on my upper arm. “Is there a spot there?”

  “There is,” the Devil confirmed.

  “You can count that one, but you have to massage until I nap, and then you can count that spot however long you like, just do your work between spot counting sessions. Try to leave some of my fur intact. Rubbing all my fur off would be rude and likely bar you from future spot counting sessions.”

  “See, Jonas? I brought the goods to the table and received a prize for my excellent behavior. However, I have lost this war, because I absolutely do not want to indulge in spot counting without the subject of my attention being fully present. I have won, yet I have bitterly lost.”

  My brother squeaked, and the soft tap of tiny paws on the glass cracked me up.

  “You’re just lucky you’re good with your hands. I’m expecting you to work for that spot, and you have to pay it at least ten minutes of attention while I doze.”

  “You can’t just change the rules at your whim.”

  “I absolutely can change the rules at my whim. They’re my spots. If you want free range spots, grow your own.”

  “I could be talked into growing spots of my own if you would like to engage in a spot count exchange,” the Devil countered.

  “You’re tricky.” I yawned and waved my hand in the direction of the poisoned roses. “When your brother and the cops get here, make sure they take a blood sample or whatever it is they need to do, and then ask your brother for details about this poisoning, and conspire with him about the best way to bring this entire outfit down. Also, get that stuff I asked Belial for. I’m going to get mad and get even. I’d rather not be forced to force you to discipline some big bad devil for failure to do his share of the work.”

  “He’d like it.”

  “But will you like it if I’m making him like it?” I could only assume the Devil possessed some of humanity’s faults, including jealousy, pride, and greed.

  “I absolutely would not like it if you made him like it.” He snorted. “And you call me tricky.”

  “More massaging, Lucifer. Do I look like I have all day here?”

  Michael brought Gabriel, four cops, and a pair of CDC representatives in white containment suits that covered them from head to toe with enclosed helmets into my home and introduced them, but their names went in one ear and out the other.

  The Devil’s magic hands had something to do with that. Every time he went for one of his allowed spots, he’d massage my neck, I’d melt, and he’d earn more time to indulge in his spot counting habit.

  Until I developed a headache, I’d blame Lucifer for my inability to care who invaded my home as long as he kept up his sinful work.

  I observed from my prone position beneath the Devil, evaluating if I wa
nted to return to my nap. As I’d already been disturbed, I pointed at the vase of roses. “Apparently, I was poisoned just from touching them, and there’s an envelope in my kitchen drawer that’s likewise contaminated. I had the envelope on my table.” While my house counted as small, I pointed in the direction of the kitchen. “Kitchen is that way.”

  One of the CDC agents went for the roses while the other headed for the envelope, and they carried several thick, plastic bags with them and a jar of pink powder, which I could only presume was neutralizer.

  I’d never seen the stuff in action before, as the CDC struggled to find a way to produce the substance, which required dust from pixies and similar species. As plucking a pixie from a tree and giving them a good shake counted as cruel and unusual punishment, the government needed to negotiate with the hyperactive menaces, who were paid more by legalized shops to offer highs.

  Maybe my idiot brother should have gone into the pixie dust business. I bet he could’ve afforded a nicer car without having gotten himself turned into a damned chipmunk.

  “Yes, that is neutralizer,” Michael informed me. “The CDC wishes to test you to see if it will purge the toxin from your blood. They will take the samples from the roses and the envelope, and your cooperation with their experimentations would result in you being paid rather than you paying for your care. This is beneficial to you.”

  The Devil growled, and he stroked the spot on the back of my neck I’d offered for his enjoyment. I relaxed and struggled to keep from purring, as purring would lead to potentially hissing to evict everyone who wasn’t the Devil from my home.

  I bet I could talk the archangels into caring for my brother for a while. Training their brother would take a great deal of time, effort, and uninterrupted concentration.

  “You are an annoyance,” Michael informed his brother. “Humans need to establish if things like this will work without us holding their hands every hour of their existence. It will not bring harm to her.”

  “But will it help her?”

  I suspected the archangel smiled. “Try it and find out if you are unwilling to peek into the future. I already gave my word I would halt the toxin’s progression should the humans prove incapable of handling the situation. They wish to question you, Darlene.”

  I eyed the cops, one of which I recognized from the station, but to my dismay, I couldn’t remember his name. I lacked the headache, but I shot Michael a glance.

  He shrugged, and if he had a head, I wondered at his expression. Then, after a pause, he said, “It begins.”

  Damn. I wondered what would go next—or if I’d even realize something was going wrong by the time the toxin got done slaughtering my poor brain. As I couldn’t do anything about it, I pointed in my brother’s direction. “The same fuckers who did that to my brother brought the flowers along with an invitation to meet somebody in their operations. Lorenzo Gallo. He probably wants to take advantage of my poisoning, and he probably believes he’s the only one with an antidote. Apparently, I’m attractive and exotic.”

  “You are attractive,” the Devil replied. “Isn’t she exotic, Michael?”

  “Only to annoying devils and idiot humans,” the archangel muttered.

  “Gabriel? Don’t tell me you’re going to side with him.”

  “I am siding with him.” Gabriel stretched his wings out and rolled his shoulders. “A foolish question, truly.”

  “Don’t side with him. He’s obnoxious enough.”

  The complaint in the Devil’s tone amused me. “Is he always so whiny?” I asked.

  “Yes,” The archangels chorused.

  The Devil sighed. “I require you to be in good health so I can selfishly count your spots. I am not whining. I am making these idiot archangels understand you are attractive and exotic, thus you should be treated better than some experiment. The only experimentation I enjoy takes place in my dungeon.”

  Having seen the Devil’s bedroom, which resembled a dungeon for perverts out for a good time with cuffs and whips and other implements I wasn’t quite ready to even imagine, I recognized his statement could be taken one of several ways. I chuckled. “He thinks I’m attractive and exotic, Michael. He might need some help. Maybe his lack of support for his various issues is why he is like he is now.”

  “He is like he is now because he is spoiled, vain, greedy, and rather selfish.” Michael chuckled and strode towards my kitchen. “I will observe the human so there are no mishaps. This toxin’s potency is what makes it so dangerous. It only takes a little to kill.”

  “What questions do you have for me?” I asked, propping my chin on my hands. If they wanted me to get up, they’d have to move the Devil, and I got the feeling he wouldn’t be cooperating without a fight the mortals would lose without question.

  “When did you first come into contact with this Lorenzo Gallo?” the cop from the station asked.

  I really wished I remembered his name. “Never that I know of. My brother is the idiot who made a deal with his thugs, not me. I just caught his attention when I told the bastards to get the hell off my property, and I enforced it with a firearm. I have a conceal carry license, and no shots were fired.”

  “Yes, we are aware of your concealed carry license.” The cop approached my brother and leaned over, and I tensed. “Has Mr. Esmaranda changed since his transformation?”

  The Devil stroked the spot on the back of my neck. “There will be no changes.”

  “I didn’t ask you, sir.”

  I raised a brow, wondering if I’d have to explain to the other cops why their colleague had come to a brutal end at the hands of the Devil. Intervening would keep things mostly cordial, and I could use a small spot to keep things calm. Lifting my head, I held up my right hand and pointed at the spot on the tip of my index finger. “You can play with this spot if you behave and give me a back rub at a later time of my choosing.”

  The Devil stilled, and I grinned at having made him stop and think about whether he wanted my spot or to take his temper out on a cop. “There still won’t be any changes to your brother.”

  “You still have to behave and give me a back rub at a later time of my choosing if you want access to this spot.”

  Heaving a sigh, the Devil muttered, “Very well.”

  With a low chuckle I’d count as wicked had it come from anyone other than an archangel, Gabriel stepped between the cop and the Devil. “With the due respect owed to an officer of the law, be aware of whom you speak. Lucifer really does not care for mortal laws, and He does not typically intervene should His fallen son create trouble for you. Right now, my brother works at the young lady’s whim, and it would not be wise for you to test those waters.”

  Everyone stopped and stared at the Devil.

  “You’re Satan?” the cop blurted.

  “In the flesh,” the Devil replied, and he resumed massaging my shoulders. “She prefers this guise, although I am willing to give you a taste of what it means to stand in my presence if you’d like.”

  “If you stop rubbing my back, I’ll put you in your own damned dungeon for at least a year, and I’ll make sure you don’t like it.” I would, too. I’d already gotten Belial to stand in line. I could find another one of his devils to do my dirty work. If I ganged them up, I could get my way, then I’d kick everyone else out of the dungeon and have some fun at the Devil’s expense.

  I’d like it. A lot.

  In my kitchen, Michael laughed. “She really will, brother mine.”

  The cop spluttered, but after a moment, he asked, “What is so important that two archangels and Satan have interest in this matter?”

  The cop’s indignant tone annoyed me, and I flattened my ears. Not even the Devil paying extra attention to my favorite spot soothed me. I wanted to bite the officer, but I settled with a hiss. Did he dare imply my brother was not worth the attention of two archangels and the Devil himself? Sure, my brother had done some stupid shit, but I didn’t give a shit about that.

  However much Jo
nas annoyed me, I would still consider storming the heavens should my takeover of the hells fail to go to plan.

  He was my brother.

  After taking a moment to consider my situation, perhaps I needed to storm the heavens to fully earn my trip to the Devil’s many hells while also recruiting more help for my cause.

  I’d have to put some thought into it later.

  “Forgive her,” the Devil requested. “She’s a passionate, jealous creature.”

  Was I? I took a few moments to consider that, too. “No, I just need you for the stuff I want to do. I saw you first, so they have to wait their turn, assuming I decide their turn will come. You agreed, so you’re stuck with it. You should be happy I’m a generous and kind woman. I let you have spots when you display a capacity for good behavior and general obedience. You’re happy I’m generous and kind, aren’t you?”

  “I recognize when I can’t win this one. My answer is yes, I am happy you’re generous and kind to me and only me in regards to your spots. I’m a jealous being. I refuse to share the spots I’ve earned.”

  “This is a bargain you have lost, brother.” Gabriel laughed at the Devil. “Keep a close eye on him, Darlene. He was never good at being obedient. I do not expect that to change now.”

  “He’ll be obedient if he wants to continue enjoying access to any of my spots. I have retained rights to revoke access to my spots at any time.”

  “She is a most cruel creature.” To my amusement, he continued his massage. “I do enjoy being bribed and coerced into obedience. It’s one of my many sins.”

  Gabriel went to my brother’s cage, took off the lid, and captured Jonas, stroking his furry back. Wisely, my brother kept his teeth to himself. “This one will vex you greatly over the years. I thought you should know.”

  “They always do. I am debating how best to handle the situation.”

  “He will need to be quite durable to survive his sister’s temper. Do keep that in mind. She would become most distressed should something happen to her brother, no matter what unsavory forms of address she assigns to him.” Gabriel tucked his wings close to his back. “Darlene, I will take care to detoxify your home once the humans leave, although I will leave it to the humans to determine if any of their number came into contact with the toxin. They would do well to take every care.”