A Chip on Her Shoulder

by RJ Blain

  Belial inclined his head. “You are a bold mortal, and it would be a pity to bring forth your ruination prematurely.”

  “You devils are all insane, aren’t you?”

  That earned me a grin, a rather vicious one revealing pointed canines. “To a certain degree.”

  “He’s jealous because you can show yourself and won’t wipe me out, whereas he can’t. Is this correct?”

  “Yes.”

  I turned towards my kitchen and stomped my foot. “Stop being a baby. The archangels aren’t whining they have to put their heads into storage to keep me from kicking the bucket, so get your ass in here and act like a gentleman.”

  “I’m hardly a gentleman,” the Devil retorted, although he did come into my living room, and he scowled at me.

  “If you want to ever see a spot again, you’ll be a gentleman. I deserve a gentleman, especially in my house. If I don’t want a gentleman, I’ll tell you, and then you can earn a spot through encouraged ungentlemanly behavior.”

  The Devil blinked, and he furrowed his brows. “Do you want gentlemanly or ungentlemanly behavior?”

  “Gentlemen might, through displays of gentlemanly behavior, earn spots. The only time ungentlemanly behavior is rewarded with spots is when I specifically request the ungentlemanly behavior. I would like to mention I can shift so the only spots you see are the ones on my ears and tail. You should be grateful there might be some succubi willing to put up with you. I have standards.”

  “Your standards are cruel, and they are too high,” he complained.

  “A spot earned is far more satisfying when claimed.”

  “Can we discuss the claiming process?”

  “No.”

  The Devil growled. “You’re ruthless in addition to cruel.”

  “And you’re a whiner.”

  “Does whining earn me a spot?”

  “No.”

  He grunted, scowled, and said nothing.

  I turned to Belial. “Now that he’s taken care of for the moment, I have a few hours before you’re some nameless entity floating around in a world of pain. What’s your general proposal for this box?”

  “I will kidnap you, lure the humans to a quiet, remote location, and begin your fish collection.” The devil associated with ruin and general suffering gestured to my new box. “Some devilish influences and the careful cultivation of substances have resulted in a compound capable of guiding their transformation to a certain extent. In short, upon exposure, they will become finned aquatic creatures. An additional compound, chosen specifically to garner favor with you, will reverse their age to a rather young state. They’ll be babies barely capable of survival. My sources indicate you enjoy the presence of young creatures.”

  I turned my glare to Michael. “You tattled, didn’t you?”

  “I prefer to think of it as encouraging you to care for your new pets rather than flush them down the nearest toilet, however satisfying dumping them into your septic tank may be. View it as extending your revenge in a somewhat merciful fashion.”

  “The one that abuses his family deserves to be flushed into my septic tank.”

  “That one will be aware of his past transgressions as he lives out a very extended life waiting for his time in my brother’s many hells, assuming he survives long enough to be turned into your pet. Should he survive, you will have a beautiful pet, and he will be brought low until it is time for him to face his punishments.”

  “Just how beautiful of a pet are we talking about here?”

  “He will become a Mandarin dragonet.”

  “He’ll be a what?”

  “A Mandarin dragonet, sometimes called a Mandarinfish. He’ll be a very beautiful and colorful fish, the prize of any aquarium,” Michael explained. “As a gift to you for putting up with my brother, I will help you set up his habitat, and I will teach my brother how to care for your new prize. He is beautiful but toxic, fitting his nature. You will enjoy many hours watching him. I will help you establish homes for all the new species of pets you acquire. You will need an entire room in your new home dedicated to your living trophies.”

  I regarded the Devil with interest. “I’m going to need a room for my pet fish, and I am willing to offer you a payment of one hour with a spot of my choice for this space.”

  “Monthly, like rent. I get an hour with the spot every month as rent for these fish I cannot eat or torture until their natural deaths.”

  “Deal. I’ll pick the spot after I have these fish in my possession and have approved of their new habitats. They’re treasures, so they get excellent habitats so I can show them off to those I don’t like. Belial, it is possible to get more of this substance should I need it, yes?”

  “Of course.”

  “Okay. What’s this about kidnapping me?”

  “You will be impaired, and being kidnapped will be well within your capabilities while you’re suffering from your poisoning. Lucifer can satisfy himself rescuing you once the main work is done and I have secured your new pets. I will safeguard your pets while Lucifer indulges in one of his fits of temper.”

  “I do have quite the temper,” the Devil admitted. “Indulging is my specialty.”

  I bet it was. “And how are you going to kidnap me?”

  “You will go to one of the addresses your brother has, and I will snatch you with witnesses, and I will have some of my lesser devils lure them to the appropriate locations. They will be disguised as humans, of course.”

  “Okay.” I eyed the Devil. “Get your protesting out of the way now.”

  “If Belial wishes to forge an alliance with you, I’m not going to stop him. Try not to abuse my devil too much, as while he is annoying, he’s very good at his work.”

  I found it amusing he thought Belial would need to be protected from me. “I’ll think about it. The only rescue I’ll particularly require is from this poisoning, so that’s your problem.”

  “Yes, it is a problem. I dislike maintaining this ruse.”

  “Deal with it. Belial, try not to damage any of my spots. He gets unreasonable about my spots.”

  “I have noticed this,” Belial replied. “Your spots are safe, although I fear for my sanity.”

  I pointed at the Devil. “You live in one of his hells. Were you ever really sane to begin with?”

  “You make a good point.”

  Pointing at the Devil led to trouble, as the Devil leaned over and gently seized my finger between his teeth.

  Right. I dealt with the Devil, and he was not a sane or sensible being.

  “I’m sorry, Belial. You have to deal with this all the time, don’t you?”

  “He does not usually handle females in this fashion.”

  “Well, aren’t the other females basically succubi seeking sex or demonesses of some sort?”

  “Yes. He does not indulge in mortal women often.”

  “Oh, joy. I’m an exception.”

  “You are. If he’s busy playing with your finger, he will stay quiet, so let us attend to business while he’s amused. I have, as you have requested, gathered interested succubi, taking the time to make certain they are aware His Most Sulfurous Majesty is seeking a permanent partnership. I took the liberty of notifying them that you have taken over, and that you will be observing the festivities.”

  Something about Belial’s tone warned me of trouble. “Did you tell them I’m competition?”

  The devil shrugged. “He is suckling on your finger as you won’t give him anything else. It seemed only fair to warn them that they compete against a mortal woman capable of bringing His Sulfurous Majesty to the point of desperation.”

  “It’s more of a nip than a suckle,” I replied. As I could be an asshole, I reached over with my other hand and smoothed the Devil’s hair, which was in dire need of a good shampooing and some conditioner. “Your home environment isn’t doing you any favors.” I concentrated, shifting my hands enough to remove the fur up to my wrists before rubbing strands of the Devil’s hair betw
een my fingers. “Belial, as I have zero doubt I’ll forget by the end of the day, I need to take him somewhere to do something about this disaster. If he’s expecting me to keep my fur soft and pristine for his enjoyment, this mess needs to be addressed.”

  “Are you planning on grooming his hair for your enjoyment?”

  The Devil definitely counted as handsome, and if he softened his hair a little, I could see myself losing hours toying with him at my leisure. I shrugged. “Sure. Maybe if I make him pretty enough, I’ll make the succubi work to get a chance at him.”

  “I suspect His Most Sulfurous Majesty is more interested in you giving him a chance at this point in time.”

  I stared at the Devil, aware I’d reduced him to the equivalent of a prized toy in my head. “Are you an idiot?”

  Both archangels choked, excused themselves, went outside, and laughed hard enough I could easily hear their chiming amusement through the door. Whatever. If the Devil’s brothers wanted to laugh, I saw no reason to begrudge them their fun.

  The way I figured it, they lived in the heavens, which seemed like a rather stiff and stuffy place.

  “It really is,” Belial replied.

  “Is there any way to stop you devils from reading my mind?”

  “There are ways, but there is no time to teach those ways to you right now.”

  The Devil released me and straightened. “I will teach her.”

  Belial smirked.

  I wiped my finger off on the Devil’s sleeve. “I have some rules for my kidnapping. First, no violations. I know you devils like your violations, but you’re just going to have to bide your time and violate someone else, preferably one of the fucking assholes or some willing person seeking violation. Second, you can tie me up, but the Devil is going to have to massage out all the kinks later. Third—”

  “I accept your terms,” the Devil interrupted. “Will I be rewarded with a spot for the proper massaging of all your kinks?”

  When phrased that way, I realized I’d stepped in a filthy trap, one occupied by one hell of a man. Did the Devil count as a man? I frowned and stared at Belial.

  “Yes,” he replied. “For your purposes, he does.”

  Okay. I could work with that. It was just a little filth and perversion, and if I was going to delve into the dark depths of perversion, why not aim for the Devil himself?

  “That would be the toxin talking, as it already begins to impair you.”

  Well, shit. “Okay, so I’m out of my right mind. That’s fine. Back to my rules before I forget what they are. Third, I can’t remember the last time I had something to eat at this point, so one of you has to make sure I’m fed dinner while I’m a captive. Don’t let me eat my new pet fish.”

  The Devil chuckled, pulled out his wallet, and handed Belial a card. “You know what to do.”

  Belial took the card and disappeared, leaving behind a faint hint of brimstone.

  “This whole mind reading thing is weird.”

  “It has its uses, including my ability to have an entire conversation with Belial without you being aware of it.”

  “Except now I’m aware of it.”

  “You’re unaware of what we were discussing.”

  “I’m not going to remember his name by the time he gets back from that errand, will I?”

  “Very probably not. Belial is particularly talented at judging a human’s state. He enjoys knowing how much ruin he can bring when he toys with mortals. He’s able to tell even the minor changes, the ones you’re unaware of.” The Devil reached out and touched my forehead. “The toxin is attacking here. It will spread soon enough. Michael?”

  The archangels strode in through the door with no sign they’d left so they could laugh at me. “Yes, my brother?”

  “How long until her memory is impaired?”

  “It will happen soon. She is resilient due to her determination, but she already loses focus. Belial does truly intend to garner favor with her as much as he can. He is masterful in his manipulations.”

  The Devil grumbled curses. “I will destroy them all if they hurt her.”

  “Yes, you will,” Michael replied, and without another word, both archangels disappeared.

  “I don’t know about you, Lucifer, but that sounded rather ominous.”

  “Yes, it did,” the Devil agreed.

  The headache struck with blinding force, and my world narrowed to the misery of my existence. Much like the relentless waves in a storm-tossed sea, the pain crested, crashed, and surged, eroding away at me. Closing my eyes kept me from drowning, and every sound stabbed at me.

  Little remained, save for the knowledge I’d paved my way to some dark hell.

  A soft and gentle laugh broke through the agony and calmed the storm, reducing the thundering waves to gentle, soothing ripples.

  “Hello, Darlene,” a still and quiet voice whispered to me. “Do not open your eyes quite yet. It is not time.”

  Even if I wanted to, I doubted I could disobey Him.

  The entire situation flustered me. It was one thing to deal with the Devil, but it was another to deal with Him.

  My father would have given anything to be in my shoes, and I would have rather fled back to the general safety of the Devil and his sinful, spot massaging hands.

  “Treat me as you would my fallen son, and you will find my presence is not as terrifying for you as you believe.”

  Somehow, I had missed the memo He liked playing jokes on wayward mortals. “Are you sure about that? I mean, you’re here to tell me I’m about to go to hell, aren’t you?”

  “While you are going to my son’s many hells, it is not for the reason you think. You have not fallen out of my favor.”

  “I haven’t?” I blurted. “But why not?”

  “Is it so hard for you to believe?”

  I considered everything that had led up to the moment I’d been poisoned. “Well, yes.”

  “You have not fallen out of my favor because your purpose was never to be a child of my heavens. You are a beloved creation, one born in adversity so you might thrive in adversity, just as my fallen son is beloved for all he is fallen. My fallen son’s domain is full of adversaries you will need to face.”

  “Well, that’s one way to put it. He has lava for landscaping. Also, in case you weren’t aware, you have one dysfunctional family.”

  While I could not see His face, I felt His smile, and it warmed me from deep within. “Yes, this is the truth. I do not usually interfere this directly, but this is something only I can do, so I will do it. My fallen son will make a mistake in a moment of passion, one thousands of years in the making—and a necessary one, for he grows beyond my original purpose. It is part of his journey, and it will become part of yours.”

  “You are a master at being vague,” I complained. “Just tell me what I need to do, as I figure if you’re telling me something is going to happen, I may as well get to it. Have I died from being poisoned yet?”

  “Not precisely, although your death soon comes. I am here to prevent that death from having permanence, but it will leave you changed. All I will do is bar you from crossing through the boundary between life and death, but you must face your death in this moment. I cannot break the universal laws, but I can bend the rules—and I will, for the sake of my fallen son, who has learned something precious.”

  “What has he learned?”

  “That he, like the rest of his brothers and sisters, is capable of what he has denied himself since the day of his fall.”

  “What, the realization that you love him despite the fact he’s a bastard who hates doing what he’s told?”

  He chuckled, and I became aware of His presence surrounding me, and He chased away the lingering discomfort with a wave of His perfect hand, which shimmered and came into focus while the rest of His body remained hidden. Something about his thumb bothered me.

  “Your thumb has a third joint, like a finger.”

  “Would a hand more like yours comfort you?” />
  I shook my head. After a moment of hesitation, I reached towards Him.

  He turned His hand so I could better view His thumb, and like a moth drawn to a flame, I touched Him.

  He radiated a gentle warmth, and His skin felt a lot like mine. My curiosity took a firmer hold, and I stroked my fingertips over the extra joint, marveling over how one little detail divided us, yet I couldn’t help but think His hands were somehow gloriously human despite being different.

  “You were made in my image, but humans are as humans are. Humans bring change. Humans are change. Humans are a great many things, including defiant. Because my son fell, humans could be. My son’s fall is one of my greatest gifts to mankind, for I gave my son the freedom to fall—and thus the freedom for mankind to choose its own path. Sometimes, I believe I made a rather severe mistake.”

  With the suffering I often witnessed in the world, I could understand why He believed our freedom was a mistake, and a rather severe one at that. “I guess I should thank him for that, shouldn’t I?”

  “You should. You fluster him. You will continue to fluster him, and I find this amusing. He has his regrets. You will help him overcome those things with time, I am sure. That is part of your purpose.”

  “I feel like my birth certificate should have come with a disclaimer that I’m a pawn in a game between your heavens and his hells. It would have been polite.”

  “A disclaimer would have changed who you became, and that would have been a poor thing for all parties. You are as you need to be.”

  “Is it true you can’t help my brother?”

  “Do I possess the power to? Yes, but the method in which I could do so would destroy him in your eyes, and it is not the solution you desire at all. You were told the truth. The only one who can give you the outcome you seek is my fallen son. Of course, it will not be the outcome you expect, and it will undoubtedly vex you, but he will remain your brother, although perhaps a little more troublesome of a being than he was before. But your brother’s life will ultimately come at a price.”