A Chip on Her Shoulder

by RJ Blain

  “Which brother?”

  “Gabriel. Michael was summoned, so Gabriel got saddled with preventing a small apocalypse. To my disgust, Belial also helped with that.”

  While vague, I remembered Belial pinning a demon to an unfamiliar floor. I concentrated, and to my pleasure, I conjured the devil’s name from my memories. “Alloces.”

  “Yes, him. Belial has handled his imprisonment, and against my general wishes, I am saving him for you to deal with. Belial is making a concoction to transform him and a few accomplices into fish for your amusement. I have also put in some orders for everything required for your trophy room.”

  “You should offer gloating time for the devils and demons who dislike Alloces when they please you, and let me put some thought into who gets to clean their habitats.”

  “Magic will handle cleaning their habitats. I have decided you will not have to do any cleaning to enjoy your trophies, although you can feed them at your pleasure—or not.”

  “I’ll make them accept food from devils and demons they really hate. Also for my amusement.”

  The Devil chuckled. “If that’s what you’d like. I am sure I can find volunteers to feed your fish.”

  “Make it clear if they cross me, I’ll be feeding them to my fish, too. There’s no reason I can’t reward my pets with good behavior.”

  Phenexia giggled, and she covered her mouth. “She’s rather vindictive for a mortal.”

  “That she is. It takes spirit to come storming my gates for some classic revenge. Her plans for revenge were thoroughly disrupted, so I will have to make that up to her for when she regroups and tries again. She is not the kind to give up until she’s satisfied.”

  The succubus nodded. “I see. There’s still the matter of the other succubi.”

  “I thought it was pretty obvious I’ve already made my decision. Darlene just likes being bossy and gave Belial instructions, and because Belial is one of the smarter devils around here, he did as told. That plus he enjoys chaos a little more than he should, and honestly? Watching the succubi all try to lock themselves in unholy matrimony is hilarious. You? You I can see tolerating monogamy for a chance to bang an angel and a human in a twisted threesome, but most of that lot? Greed is considered a sin for a reason, and while I’m a fond supporter of greed and general sin, they seem to have forgotten some key details about what it entails to be my wife.”

  Giggling, Phenexia nodded. “When Belial mentioned this insanity to me, I’ll admit, I laughed. I didn’t think any of them would actually consider it or compete with each other to get your attention. I opted against reminding them they’d hate being monogamous. You’re about as bad as a triad. No, you’re worse. Triads tend to fall apart after the mortal’s death. You tend to have a lengthy attention span with a dislike of failure.”

  “You would think the succubi would have remembered those things, but no. So much fawning.”

  “I’ve noticed he doesn’t like fawning. Really, he likes being pushed around, and you have to dole out his rewards in small increments, else he will become even more egotistical than he already is. I haven’t known him long, and I’ve already figured this out. He’s a simple man to manage.”

  “It disturbs me how accurately and quickly you have determined how you will manage him,” the succubus admitted.

  “He needs a lot of management. If you need a place to live, and you’re willing to move your man and angel to America, it seems I have a new residence, so you can rent my house. Someone needs to take care of it, and it’s not in a bad location. And a frugal man could probably support his two wives without them having to work. It wouldn’t be easy, but it could be done. Your rent would basically be the maintenance costs, property taxes, and utilities.”

  Phenexia’s eyes widened. “You would do that for me?”

  “Well, do you think this lout is planning on letting me out of his bedroom anytime soon?” I asked, pointing at the Devil with my coffee. “I’ve the word of an archangel he’s clingy, and I need someone to take care of my house, so we’re all happy. It’s a nice little house, and you can have a child or two comfortably. Or, at least, I was comfortable in it growing up. Don’t ask my brother for his opinion. He’ll complain because he’s spoiled.”

  The Devil sighed. “You’re a fixer. What have I brought into my home? I’ve been tricked.”

  I shrugged and sipped my coffee. “You’re the one with the spot fetish. I’m just solving the problem of who will take care of my house when I’m here making sure you do what I say.”

  “I love her,” the succubus announced. “If you let her get away, I will be very upset with you, Lucifer.”

  “I don’t have to teach her how to teleport once she’s properly converted. That should keep her where she belongs. I’m debating how to go about the proper conversion process, however.” The Devil eyed me. “I might borrow some tricks from the unicorns. Their preferred method is quite entertaining, and I could take my time and do a very thorough job. If I keep her exhausted, she can’t run away. I’ll provide iced coffee so she’s happy with her exhaustion, and I’ll give her a comfortable place to lounge while admiring her fish.”

  “He means exhaust you in bed,” the succubus announced. “Unicorns seduce their unconverted mates and continue to seduce them over a period of several years until their magic essentially infects their lover and transforms them into a unicorn. Sharing blood is also done, takes a shorter period of time, but generally is the least preferred method because unicorns could give incubi and succubi a run for their money. Lucifer specifically bars us from meddling with unicorns. They are a determined species, monogamous, and long-lived. The last time Lucifer had to rescue a succubus, the stallion tried to follow her back here, and the whining was significant.”

  “Is significant,” the Devil corrected. “I kicked Isabelle out and told her she could come back in a thousand or so years, at the end of her unicorn’s natural lifespan. I warned her not to flirt with a stallion. It’s all on her that she went and fell in love with him, and well, once a stallion picks his mare, he’s in it for life. Unicorns make angels look like beginners in the loyalty game. And when his lifespan does come to a close, I’m going to have to find her another unicorn, and do you have any idea how hard it is to find an available stallion? I’m going to have to intervene or deal with the crying, and I hate when succubi cry. So, they’re now banned from engaging in any relationships with unicorns without permission.”

  “Which means you have a bunch of incubi and succubi hunting for a unicorn?” I guessed.

  “They have not been successful, as unicorns are sneaky. But I’m doing good work with them. I’ve helped the standard unicorns, now I need to work on the cindercorns. They’re critically endangered, and I really like the cindercorns.”

  “Cindercorns?”

  “They’re carnivorous fire-breathing unicorns. I’ll have to do significant meddling to help them out.”

  “Aren’t you the Devil? Why are you helping unicorns?”

  “I really like unicorns,” he announced. “I refuse to be ashamed of my love of unicorns and the glorious chaos they bring, especially when it’s time for them to settle down. They’re also important to the natural life cycle. Many unicorns, frankly spoken, are whores until it’s time for them to settle down, then they take a sharp left turn into extreme monogamy. I warned Isabelle she would develop a severe case of monogamy if she toyed with a stallion, and she didn’t listen to me. What would I know? I’m just nosy, worse than any one of their fathers, overbearing, and obviously deranged.”

  I needed more coffee, and I drank mine down, crossed his sitting room to the coffee table by the couches and armchairs, and set it down. “You are overbearing and obviously deranged.”

  “I absolutely am.”

  “Start with calling Gabriel and using your two filthy phrases to acquire me another iced coffee. Once my iced coffee is secured, I want that show I was promised.”

  “Did I promise a show?”

&nbs
p; I didn’t care if he’d promised a show or not. As the Lord of Lies, he surely understood the purpose of a lie, especially when the lie led me to enjoying a view of his perfect chest. “You absolutely did.”

  “Must I use those foul phrases?”

  “You must if you want that spot. If you don’t earn that spot, you can’t earn the next spot.”

  “You’re ruthless.”

  I shrugged. “You like it. Is there anything else about this lout I should know, Phenexia?”

  “He has a voracious appetite once he decides to take someone to bed.”

  “I don’t share,” I reminded the Devil. “I don’t care how voracious your appetite is. I will recruit your brothers, and we’ll have an apocalypse in your bedroom if you test me.”

  “I’m going to test you because I like the look of jealousy on you, but as I don’t share, either, I’ll only do it explicitly to annoy you into attempting to create an apocalypse in our bedroom.”

  “Is he serious?” I regarded the succubus with interest. “Perhaps we should do an exchange of information.”

  “He’s serious. We succubi don’t tend to be too jealous outside of a triad or when there’s a child under foot. We pick our partners for a variety of reasons, although he’s a damned fine meal for one of us. He has more sexual energy than he knows what to do with, so should one of my sisters happen to land him permanently, he’ll feed her very well. But that comes with the price of his rather ridiculous amount of endurance and enthusiasm.”

  “Why is that a problem? I have determined he is aware of what the word no means.”

  “But will you really want to say no when he’s on a rampage?” Phenexia asked in an amused tone. “He’s something else during a rampage, but that comes with a price. He cannot tolerate straying. And then he sulks for weeks when we stray. We’re succubi. We’re supposed to stray.”

  “Unless you’re with a triad.”

  “Oh, the angels know we’re going to try to stray. That’s half the fun for them. They drag us home and keep us entertained. Incubi get more angels than us succubi, though. Human women tend to draw the attention of angels. That’s a cultural thing. There just aren’t as many men who have the purity of spirit and gentleness required to earn an angel’s love. A pity, really. Incubi get the better hunts, too.”

  “Hunts?”

  “Human women are typically repressed, so incubi have to work harder to warm their targets up—and it’s far more satisfying when our mortal partners desire us of their own accord. It’s a better feed. With Lucifer here, you won’t have to worry about that. He comes prepackaged with more desire than he knows what to do with most days, so he sulks.”

  “He does seem to be very talented at sulking. At least he’s pretty when he sulks.”

  “He really is. It’s why we put up with him. The competition isn’t really competition, so don’t worry about them too much. In reality, they don’t want to be picked because they know they’ll be run ragged, lose their freedom to dally with any male to cross their path, and won’t be able to have children in the future. That’s a lot to lose to be a queen, especially for a succubus.”

  I already had a solution to that problem, and her name was Kanika. “They were in here in a pack.”

  “Well, yes. We hate to lose.”

  So did I. “Did he really say please twice?”

  “He really did.”

  I considered Lucifer with interest. “You still have to use both filthy phrases to one of your brothers where I can witness it, but you will get two spots for doing it, for having demonstrated your ability to use filthy phrases in decent company.”

  “My brothers are hardly decent.”

  “They’re archangels. They’re decent.”

  “You are a most cruel and ruthless woman,” the Devil complained, tapping at his odd cell phone. “But very well. I am expecting two excellent spots.”

  “All of my spots are excellent.”

  “And on that note, I’m going to leave before I witness something I’d rather not. Good luck, Darlene. You’re going to need it. And don’t let him trick you. There are simple solutions to even difficult problems, and your current problem is not a difficult one to solve.”

  Twelve

  She’s wearing my shirt and tie.

  While the Devil dodged saying please or thank you, he managed to convince Gabriel to pay him a visit. The archangel appeared, and he held a black kitten in one hand and a white kitten in the other. Without a word, he handed me both animals, and I sat on the floor, put them on my lap, and joined them in purring.

  “He sends his regards,” Gabriel announced.

  The Devil heaved a sigh. “Must I, Darlene?”

  “You absolutely must. How badly do you want access to new spots?” The white kitten yawned, curled up on my leg, and closed its tiny eyes while the black kitten attacked my hand with a squeak. “Why do I have kittens? Gabriel? You brought kittens? Whose kittens are these? They’re adorable.”

  “They’re your kittens. The white one will return to the heavens with me to encourage you to bring Lucifer for visits, although I expect there will be much whining from your kitten upon separation.”

  I flattened my ears. “Can we bargain about that? I’ll bring both kittens with me and make him come so I can keep the kittens. I’ve never had a kitten before.” I hesitated, realizing I had two of the fluffy balls to care for. “Two kittens. I’ve never had one kitten, and now I have two kittens. I don’t know how to take care of a kitten. Thank you. Please thank Him for me, too.” I stared at the Devil. “That is how you use those filthy words to polite company who brought me kittens.”

  “Kittens?” Lucifer complained. “You brought her a pair of terrors? I’ll be overrun with felines.”

  “He felt she could use some company, and they will help her adapt to her new home. The black kitten has a devilish nature, and the white kitten has an angelic nature. That way, we remain in balance, and considering Darlene’s more balanced nature, it’s fitting. They are long lived, and their age will reflect her needs, so some days, you will have playful kittens, other days, you will have older cats wishing to warm laps and keep quiet company. They are empathetic, although they will only be empathetic to members of your family unit. Even she has limits to how much she can adapt in such a short period of time, and the kittens will help her in the upcoming days. They also have a secondary form.”

  I perked at that, and while I wiggled my fingers for the black kitten to play with, I straightened and asked, “What secondary form?”

  “That of rather large predators. They’re guardians, and He has made you their responsibility. How can I help you, Lucifer?”

  The Devil heaved a sigh and bowed his head. “Are you really sure this is going to earn me a spot?”

  “Good behavior is rewarded with spots, and I already said I’d give you two for performing this terribly straining and filthy task.” I wanted to grin, but I forced myself to maintain a serious expression.

  Muttering curses undermined the general idea of what I forced him to do, but the Devil finally sighed again and asked, “Would you please retrieve an iced coffee for Darlene? She drank her first one and requires another one so I can dance around at her whim.” After shooting a glare at me, he added, “Thank you in advance.”

  Gabriel’s laughter chimed, and he slapped his leg, bowing over with his wings spread wide, his feathers splayed. He shook from the force of his mirth, and I wondered if archangels could cry. If they could, he likely sobbed on account of the Devil being reduced to saying please and thank you. “You have been brought low by a woman, Lucifer.”

  “She’s wearing my shirt and tie,” he announced. “I am completely justified in my actions.”

  “Only because you took her clothes for them to be washed and mended. You could have used magic to do that, by the way.”

  Wait. The Devil did housework? There was a single man who could do housework without being told to, and he was also willing to retrieve coffee for m
e in the mornings? “You cleaned my clothes?”

  His answer would determine just how hard I fought back against the succubi seeking his attention.

  “Well, I wasn’t going to throw them out. If you want to throw them out, I will not stop you, but I make no promises I will provide new clothes, as I’d prefer you wearing no clothes.”

  The succubi would surrender, or I would go on a campaign to rid the Devil’s hells of them. I regarded his shirt and tie and shrugged. “Not a far leap with my current attire.”

  “I find your current attire to be quite vexing.”

  Gabriel moaned his laughter, went down to his knees, and beat the floor. “You haven’t said thank you in over a thousand years. A woman wearing your shirt has done you in.”

  “I’d say look at her, but I’d rather you not.”

  “You can use please and thank you rather sarcastically there,” I prompted.

  The Devil sighed. “I’d say look at her, but I’d rather you not, please and thank you.”

  He needed to work on his sarcastic delivery of his pleases and thank yous, but he had the right general idea. “Don’t mind him, Gabriel. Are you all right?”

  The archangel continued to laugh, and he waved his hand in what I thought was a dismissal of my concern. Well, I hoped it was a dismissal of my concern, as I had no intention of rescuing him if he laughed himself to death.

  “Don’t mind him, Darlene.” The Devil put his perfect shoe on his brother’s arm and shoved him over. “She needs more coffee, and I’ll destroy anyone who upsets her or fails to provide her coffee at her request.”

  “No one can say I didn’t try. Also, if you do that, you’ll bring the End of Days the first time I have to wait in line for coffee. If you create an apocalypse and remove my ability to obtain coffee, I will not be happy. Frankly? You idiots should put a complete stay on the End of Days, because if you eliminate Earth, you eliminate coffee, and whomever eliminates coffees dies at my hand.”