A Chip on Her Shoulder

by RJ Blain

  “I believe Lucifer is hopeful for this sort of demonstration, as he finds your more violent tendencies to be quite attractive.”

  “Lucifer is demented.”

  “Well, he is who he is.”

  “All right. I’m ready.” I debated how best to carry my bat, and over my shoulder and ready to make good use of it appealed the most. Had I been a little wiser, I would have located leathers rather than a dress to fully establish I didn’t need to look pretty to kick ass, take names, and defend my turf.

  With a startling pop, Gabriel and Michael manifested in the doorway. I smacked Belial with a wing, yelped at the unexpected pain, and sighed over my newfound clumsiness. “How do you handle these damned things?”

  “Carefully,” Gabriel replied. “Tucking them close to your back will help keep them out of the way, although it will take some practice. Your wings are lovely, and my brother will appreciate so many new spots for him to enjoy. How are you feeling?”

  “I am feeling like I have to beat a bunch of bitches for going near my man, and I need my man to come to bed where he belongs.”

  Gabriel circled me, and he stroked his hands over my wings. “Excellent. Your wings have developed well.”

  “They’re not leathery like the other succubi.”

  “Your wings are a reflection of your nature. Consider your spots to be evidence you are a naughty little angel.”

  I twisted around to regard my wings, which needed to be classified as furry, feathered weapons. “According to the density of my spots on my feathers, I’m a particularly naughty little angel who will enjoy beating the other succubi if they don’t leave Lucifer alone.”

  “You will not need to beat the other succubi. You just need to show up, lure Lucifer off to your lair with a single come hither, and they will understand they have been outclassed. Your property is quite safe, and he has been defending himself from their advances without issue.”

  I huffed at the thought of him needing to defend himself from any advances other than mine.

  “She woke up quite hungry and more than a little grouchy,” Belial stated.

  “She will be a little less aggressive after Lucifer properly attends to her, I am sure.”

  Michael chuckled and he held out his arm to me. “As I do enjoy vexing my brother, it would be my honor to escort you.”

  Turnabout was fair play, and if Lucifer couldn’t get his succubi to keep their hands off him, I’d accept his brother’s courtesy with a smirk. “Thank you, Michael.”

  “She’s totally using you to annoy Lucifer,” Belial muttered.

  “I know. It is so amusing. Lucifer will be delighted, for she is feeling well enough to shoot back over his failure to be present when she woke up in dire need of attention. This is for the better anyway, as us delivering her to our brother will send messages to the demons and devils in attendance. Right now is not an ideal time for us to be bickering, and it is better for us to be more allies than foes for the moment.”

  Belial stilled. “Mortal or divine?”

  “A bit of this, a bit of that,” the archangel replied.

  I grinned. “That is masterfully vague and somewhat terrifying. Please take me to Lucifer, as I’ll inevitably get lost in this maze if I try to find him myself.”

  Both archangels laughed, and Belial led the way. Michael and Gabriel offered tips on feather care, adjusting to hauling around big, heavy wings, and how to annoy most succubi, who often wished they could manifest feathered wings but couldn’t unless they hunted a male boasting feathered wings.

  “Ha! Succubi are attracted to angels because they can have feathers for a while, then?”

  Gabriel snorted and Michael shrugged.

  “It’s a solid theory,” Belial replied in an amused tone. “I can’t think of another reason why a succubus or incubus would otherwise desire an angel of all things.”

  “It is complicated,” Michael stated, and according to his tone, he had no intention of explaining it to me.

  Whatever. My fallen angel had everything I needed and wanted. “Maybe if you had nipples, you wouldn’t need an incubus or a succubus to get naughty.”

  While Belial snickered, I suspected I tested the patience of both archangels.

  “What? It’s true. Have you looked at Lucifer’s nipples?”

  A faint pop behind me warned me I’d drawn attention from someone capable of teleporting, and I managed to smack both archangels with my wings.

  The Devil snickered, and he took hold of my wings to hold me in place. A few tugs and a push later, and Lucifer managed to settle my wings closer to my back so I wouldn’t murder his brothers with them. “Look at all of those pretty spots, all for me. However, I can’t help but notice two filthy archangels put their hands on you.”

  “Hardly. They have no nipples, Lucifer. We’ve talked about this before. I need perfect nipples. You have perfect nipples, and they do not. They’re just keeping me from killing anyone with these wings, and I have no idea where the great hall is, where you’re supposed to be.”

  “I went to check on you to find my bed devoid of my woman.”

  “I got dressed, put on some boots, and grabbed my bat, and now I need to teach some succubi you’re mine.”

  “She woke up rather irritable and possessive,” Belial announced. “Once she has claimed her territory, she will be much easier to please. I would not deter her from laying her claim. That is how you end up unhappy and on your couch.”

  “I noticed you’ve brought your bat with you. I would rather not have to plant new succubi seeds today, so please keep all demonstrations and claims non-lethal.”

  “Fine. I won’t kill anyone unless they provoke me. If I hit a table with the bat, would the bat or the table win?”

  “The bat,” Lucifer, Gabriel, and Michael chorused.

  “I need a table I can sacrifice on the altar of territory claiming.”

  “I needed a new head table anyway. You can help me pick the new one as penance for breaking the old one.” Lucifer scowled at Michael. “Just break the table I’m sitting at when you arrive. I will find this very entertaining. However, I do not find my brother’s handling of your person to be entertaining at all.”

  The archangel laughed and refused to budge or let go of my arm.

  “Just go back to the great hall, Lucifer. I’ll be along as soon as these louts show me how to get there.”

  “Is there a reason you can’t teleport her?” Lucifer asked. “It’s a rather lengthy walk.”

  “Yes,” Michael replied. “It involves her consuming too much energy before you’ve had time to properly teach her to feed. We would be pleased to help you with teaching her how to teleport, but you have work to do before she is ready. She’s also eager to try her wings for flying, although she may be a challenge to teach on that front.”

  “Very well. I’ll be waiting in the great hall. Don’t tarry. I want to see their expressions when they see her beautiful wings. Feathered for my enjoyment. With spots.”

  Lucifer vanished.

  I rolled my eyes. “He possibly needs therapy for his spot obsession. No, he definitely needs therapy for his spot obsession. Can one of you teach me how to ban all these spots when he’s being naughty?”

  Gabriel snickered and said, “As a matter of fact, yes.”

  The little things in life helped. “Excellent.”

  The great hall lived up to its name, and I stopped counting tables after ten, flattened my ears at the presence of at least a hundred succubi, and considered making good use of my bat at the sight of hundreds of devils and demons filling the space and annoying me with hissing chatter. On the far end of the room, its ceiling vaulted and painted much like his entry, waited Lucifer at a table barely big enough for two, which he’d claimed all for himself.

  Hell. No.

  I firmed my grip on the bat, joined the devilish congregation in hissing, and marched towards the Devil, ready to make it clear he’d be adding a table suitable for two to use comfortably
or I’d be beating him to a near-death state with it. I regretted agreeing to keep my confrontations non-lethal.

  The sight of so many succubi dressed to seduce pissed me off enough I considered beating them with my wings like a demented, spotted Canadian goose on a mission of murder.

  Why wasn’t I allowed to kill them all?

  To my utter disgust, the succubi backed out of my reach.

  With a ringing laugh, Michael patted my arm before releasing me. “When you swing your bat, spread your wings out to their full length. It will help you balance and keep you from falling.”

  I nodded, and without the archangel holding me back, I marched at a rather brisk pace, got a good hold on my bat with both hands, and went to town on the offensive table I wouldn’t fit at even if I wanted to. True to the archangel’s claim, spreading my wings did help me keep my balance. The bat cracked into the table with hand-numbing force, and the dark wood cracked under the force of my blow. Snarling curses I hadn’t completely destroyed it in one hit, I smacked it a second time, which cracked the table in half.

  Lucifer raised a brow and eyed his former table. “That was three inches thick, my darling.”

  Well, that explained why it had taken two hits to finish it off. I regarded my bat with newfound respect.

  I couldn’t find even a scuff on it. “What do you think you’re doing?”

  “I am holding an audience, or I had been until you took offense to my table. What did my table do to you?”

  “It’s not big enough for two.” I straightened, thumped my bat to my shoulder, and pointed at my wings. “You see these?”

  “I do.”

  “That shitty table wasn’t big enough for two.”

  The Devil leaned back in his seat and took his time looking me over. “It would have been plenty big enough for two if you were to sit on my lap.”

  Silence fell over the great hall, and I doubted any of the gathered demons or devils breathed. “I’d just knock the damned table over with these wings. I did you a favor getting rid of it.”

  “You would, and I would find this amusing, especially as you’d be sitting on my lap. Did you come all this way to tell me my table is too small?”

  I needed to think about his offer of sitting on his lap for the rest of my life, as that would put me in close proximity with his chest. I took a moment to consider his question, and I shook my head. “No. I just opted to use your table as a way of demonstrating what will happen to anyone who crosses me, especially if she tries to get onto your lap. Your lap is mine, as is the rest of you. Are we clear?”

  Lucifer chuckled. “That’s not how you ask nicely, Darlene.”

  I stared at him. “You want me to ask nicely? Hitting the table rather than one of them was asking nicely. I could have just waited and hit the first succubus to try to get on your lap, in your pants, or even flirt with you. Taking my general annoyances out on the table was being really nice.” I grunted and flexed my hand, debating what I could hit next. “Is this audience necessary, how long will it be, and can you be finished with it now? Please and thank you. I’m done with being nice.”

  Lucifer rose to his feet, and while I’d put on my fur coat and had a new pair of wings, he still dwarfed me while masquerading as a human. “The audience is absolutely necessary, and my succubi have been most helpful.”

  I flattened my ears and lashed my tail. “Helpful?”

  All growling did was make him smile, and he prowled closer. He touched my cheek, ran his fingers through my fur, and nudged at my wings until I lowered them and tucked them against my back. “Take a few breaths,” he ordered.

  I obeyed, although I muttered a few curses. After a few breaths, I relaxed, and some of the tension plaguing me eased.

  “You’re hungry, you want me for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and you’re perceiving a lot of threats nearby in the form of other succubi. I think you have sufficiently established you’ll bash heads in should they interfere with your current meal plan, which has dramatically changed since yesterday. Better?”

  Focusing on my breathing helped, and after a few moments, I stretched my wings, gave a shake, and nodded. “I’m bad with my wings.”

  “You’ll get used to them. They usually come in smaller and grow over time, but you’ve had a great deal of exposure to devilish and angelic energy lately. You’ll adjust.” The Devil took hold of my bat, and while I tightened my grip on it, he still managed to pull it out of my hand. While I scowled over being robbed, he tossed my weapon to Gabriel, who caught it and tucked it under his arm.

  “My bat,” I complained.

  Lucifer smiled. “I’d rather you not beat me with that right now.” Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out my collar and fastened it around my throat. “There. Now you’re perfect.”

  “You need your head examined if you think I’m perfect.”

  He laughed, captured my hands in his, and raised them to his lips, kissing each of my knuckles in turn. “Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, as is perfection. You are perfect beauty in my eyes, although I can’t help but notice I have meddlesome brothers who changed my plans for me.”

  The archangels’ chiming laughter echoed in the great hall.

  Before I could turn to face them, the Devil squeezed my hands and forced my attention back to him. He got down on one knee and smiled as though there were no other place he’d rather be.

  My fur stood on end, and my awareness of hundreds of eyes focused on me froze me in place. My breath did me no good stuck in my throat, but I couldn’t manage to even swallow.

  “From the moment I saw you, daring to storm my gates and make demands of me, taunting me with those perfect, precious spots of yours, I knew one thing: you would be mine. You came right into my house, made yourself at home, and went about your plans to conquer, all unaware you’d become my prey.”

  “Liar,” Michael coughed. “She knew precisely what she was getting herself into.”

  Despite myself, I laughed because it was true.

  “That made tricking her into bargaining with me all the sweeter,” the Devil confessed, and his smile widened. “You accepted the bargain, so you have to pay up, Darlene, but as I’d really like to explore your new spots at my leisure, I will use those filthy words you like so much. I won’t even ask you to be the queen of my hells unless you wish to, although I’d find it very entertaining and attractive were you to help me handle business, punish the fucking assholes you so dislike, and otherwise make things here disgustingly orderly. I might be forced to have you keep matters with those asshole archangels civil. I do not approve of how much they like you. To sweeten the deal in your favor, I am planning on giving you your first fucking asshole, to do with as you please, and any training you might require to best handle his punishments, as part of your wedding present. As promised, here are the filthy words meant for you and only you: please marry me.”

  It was a good thing my fur hid my skin, as it felt like my cheeks could put lobsters and tomatoes to shame. While I had stipulated a bent knee and the use of filthy words, I hadn’t expected him to do so in front of a rather large audience. I’d demanded witnesses, but I hadn’t expected such a public declaration.

  As always, he took things too far.

  A simple yes didn’t seem like enough. I spluttered, my face burned hotter, and I blurted, “Are you insane?”

  He grinned. “When it comes to you, I absolutely am. Jealousy is beautiful on you, and you’ve been so jealous lately.” The Devil kissed my hands again, and he stroked his thumbs over my fur. “Conveniently, I even captured two archangels solely so they could bear witness and confirm the truth when I tell you that I love you. As I’m the Devil, I’ll stalk you to the ends of the universe if I must.”

  I pricked my ears forward at the thought of running just so the Devil could catch me. After his first lesson on what he did to his woman, I would run to be captured, and I’d enjoy every moment of it. “Promise?”

  Laughing, he nodded. “As often as my
naughty little kitty would like, but it’s your fault when you get what you asked for.”

  Yes, it was. “Well, as I have been a very naughty little kitten lately and have earned my prolonged stay in your hells, it makes a great deal of sense to marry you,” I teased. “But you better make this worth my while.”

  The Devil rose to his feet, smirked, and grabbed hold of my waist and tossed me over his shoulder. I squealed his name and grabbed hold of his suit jacket. My wings did an admirable job of getting in the way without doing anything useful, like batting Lucifer in the head.

  Once he had a good grip on my legs, he bounced me onto his shoulder, gave a dark chuckle, and carted me across his great hall while a bunch of stunned demons and devils stared at us.

  “Lucifer, you wretch!” Struggling did no good, as he had a firm hold on me and my wings served as effective shackles, weighing enough I couldn’t wiggle upright even if I wanted to. “How is this making it worth my while?”

  “You’ll find out as soon as I get you to my bed where you belong. When I’m done with you, you won’t even be able to purr.”

  Hallelujah and amen.

  Dear readers,

  I hope you enjoyed A Chip on Her Shoulder! This was one hell of a fun ride.

  Keep reading for a list of my upcoming releases and a rough sample of Outfoxed. Please forgive the clutter, as the furred portion of the management opted to steal imperfect words for your amusement.

  ~R.J. Blain

  Upcoming R.J. Blain releases

  Outfoxed, Book One of the Fox Witch trilogy, releases on November 3, 2020.

  * * *

  The Flame Game: a Magical Romantic Comedy (with a body count) (featuring Bailey and Quinn) releases on November 24, 2020. (Moved from October 27, 2020 to preserve the author’s flagging sanity.)

  * * *

  License to Kill, the concluding novel in the Balancing the Scales duet, releases on December 22, 2020.