Fool for Him (Foolish at Heart Book 1)

by R. C. Martin

  No longer was my muscle memory of use to me. As he pumped his finger in and out of my center, all I could do was hold onto him. With each stroke, I felt like he was bringing me to life. He positioned himself so that the heel of his hand grazed my clit as he worked my core, and I couldn’t stop my hips from syncing with his movement.

  He was right. There was no way I was going to ask him to stop. He was going to make me come, and I was sure of it. More than that, I wanted it—and my inhibitions melted away as the warm promise of an orgasm began to blossom inside of me. It felt amazing. It felt magical. It felt like nothing I had ever experienced before.

  “Judah,” I moaned, touching my forehead to his.

  He pumped faster, and I swear his breathing was almost as rapid as mine.

  “Come for me, Teddy.”

  I didn’t know if it was by his command, or if it was the feel of his hot breath against my lips, or the way I rocked my hips in that one second—but my release exploded inside of me in an instant. Pleasure spilled out of me in a long, indulgent cry, and I didn’t even have it in me to be embarrassed.

  Judah didn’t stop his ministrations until I went limp in his hold. When he extracted his hand from my panties, I watched as he brought his finger—coated in my climax—to his mouth. My cheeks burst into a blush as he sucked the digit clean. I didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know what to do. But the look he gave me before he crashed his lips against mine made me a little less self-conscious.

  He kissed me hard, and I could feel his erection beneath me. It wasn’t the first time I’d felt his desire for me—but something about that moment felt different. The way he held me, and the way he kissed me was filled with a hunger I hadn’t encountered from him before. I returned his affection happily. The moment we were in felt sacred, somehow. It was ours—and it was made not just with lust, but with weeks’ worth of flowers, dinner dates, and long kisses goodbye.

  When he shifted, moving us so I was laying beneath him across the couch, I was still with him. I thought I could have kissed him all night long. But then, the moment changed.

  Judah reached his hand up my dress again. Only, rather than slip his fingers into my panties, he started to tug them off of me. One pull, and I was yanked from my haze of desire and thrust into another headspace. Suddenly, I wasn’t hot—I was cold.

  “Wait,” I breathed, moving my hands to press them against his chest.

  “I want to taste you,” he insisted, kissing his way down my neck.

  As he said the words, he continued to yank at my panties. My heart raced, and my short breaths were not my attempt to make room in my body for oxygen and desire. Instead, every shallow inhalation was a manifestation of my panic as it flooded my lungs.

  “Judah—Judah stop! Oh, my god—stop!”

  I shoved my hands against his chest again—harder this time. Yet, even as he lifted himself off of me, I was too blinded by fear to recognize his surrender. When I scrambled out from under him, I stood to my feet. But the darkness of my worst nightmare swallowed me up, and I didn’t have the strength to remain upright. I fell to my knees and fought the urge to scream at the top of my lungs.

  “Hey,” Judah said.

  He rested his hand on my shoulder, and my scream tore through me.

  “Don’t touch me!” I yelled.

  I felt so out of control. My body was trembling, as if there was an earthquake of seismic proportions occurring inside of me. A sob crawled up my throat, and I couldn’t stop myself from crying. I tried to gasp for air, but that felt useless, too. The truth was all around me, like a heavy cloak I would never escape. A voice I thought I’d buried so far deep inside of me it could never break free resounded in my head. Over and over again, it repeated what I had convinced myself of years ago.

  You’re a tease.

  This is your fault.

  This is what you do.

  You toy with them.

  You provoke them.

  Justin only took what you baited him with.

  I fell deeper into the darkness that taunted me. I cowered further into the hole I had lived in for weeks after the rape. I wanted to believe it was a lie, but in that very moment, it wasn’t. It was my reality.

  And I couldn’t stop myself from crying.

  And I couldn’t catch my breath.

  Chapter Forty-One

  “Teddy?” Judah spoke, but his instincts told him she couldn’t hear him. Nonetheless, he frowned and tried again. “Theodora?”

  She was curled up in the fetal position, her body shaking uncontrollably. It didn’t take much for him to realize he’d pulled a trigger he hadn’t meant to touch. She was with him one second and gone the next. Now, more than the lust he felt when she was wrapped around him and trembling with her orgasm, he wanted to find her—he wanted to chase after her and pull her out of whatever horrible pit she’d fallen into.

  He didn’t hesitate to scoop her into his arms and lift her from the ground. While she had screamed at him the last time he tried to touch her, he knew she was too far gone to register his actions right away. He was halfway to the stairs when she realized she was airborne. Judah felt it as every muscle in her body locked up in fear.

  Pressing his lips to her temple, he didn’t stop walking as he mumbled, “I’m not going to hurt you. I would never hurt you.”

  It wasn’t until they were halfway down the stairs that she began to relax. As she did so, she curled her body as much as she could, covering her face with her hands as a fresh wave of tears overtook her.

  “I’ve got you, sweetheart. Calm down,” Judah insisted softly.

  As he carried her through his bedroom and into the bathroom, he thought of his brother. When Benjamin moved into their childhood home, he’d have a panic attack every time a door slammed. For a year, Judah witnessed the aftereffects of what a traumatic, toxic upbringing had done to the little boy he grew to care for as if they were blood. He knew the signs of a mental breakdown triggered by a traumatic memory, and he called to mind how he was taught to comfort Benjamin when he needed it.

  The look of panic he saw in her eyes was familiar. He thought back to the weekend prior and the way she struggled against him when he found her in his kitchen in the middle of the night. She never told him about her nightmares; and the tattoos she had on her legs were hints at her past, but he was beginning to understand them in a whole new way. She had been sexually abused, and that realization infuriated him. It was so potent a sensation, he could feel the acidity of it like indignation in the form of indigestion as it crawled up his throat.

  He was all too aware it was his touch which left her in a trembling heap on the floor. This would never do. He had tasted her, and he wanted more—but as he held her, cradled in his arms, what he wanted became more significant than desire. He wanted to take from her. He wanted to stoke her fire. He wanted to be engulfed by her flame—but he also wanted to give her the freedom found in pleasure. He wanted to chase away her fear so she might experience the ecstasy he was sure he could offer her.

  Upon entering his bathroom, he flipped on the light and gently sat Teddy on the counter beside his sink. She leaned against the wall, keeping her face covered as Judah went to grab a face cloth. He turned on the faucet and waited for the water to heat up before he submerged the small towel. When it was soaked, he turned the water off and rang the cloth dry. Since Teddy’s hair was already up, he didn’t hesitate to press the warm towel against the back of her neck. He grazed it from her nape to the collar of her dress over and over, until she finally dropped her hands away from her face.

  When she lifted her gaze to meet his, Judah removed the cloth from her neck and replaced it with his free hand. Then he took the cloth and carefully wiped away her tears. He ran it across her forehead and around the sides of her face, and she kept her eyes on him the whole time. Cognizant of her breathing, he stopped only when he thought she was completely calm.

  Setting aside the cloth, he squeezed the back of her neck and asked, “Who was
he?”

  Teddy swallowed once. Then once more. She blinked, and another couple of tears raced down her cheeks.

  Judah reached up to wipe them away with his thumbs and repeated, “Who was he?”

  She wet her lips and drew in a breath before she answered, “His name is Justin. He was—he was my boyfriend.”

  Judah didn’t like her answer, but he wanted more just the same. In an attempt to keep her with him in the present, he massaged the back of her neck and then inquired, “What happened?”

  “I…” She sighed and dropped her gaze into her lap. “I was a freshman in college. I was a virgin, and I just—I wanted to be sure that it was right, that he was right. Eighteen felt young and—I just wasn’t sure. But one night—one night, we were messing around, and he—he wouldn’t stop.” Her voice dropped to a whisper as she went on to confess, “He raped me and then he just…left me. He disappeared from my life.”

  Judah wasn’t aware how his grip had tightened around the back of her neck until she started to hunch away from his touch. He loosened his hold immediately and pressed his forehead to hers. Sucking in a breath through his nose, he held the air in his lungs for a moment before he exhaled slowly. He replayed what she said in his mind, trying to process her story.

  It hit him all at once—the full scope of what the bastard had taken from her. Before he could say anything, Teddy spoke again.

  “I know what you want,” she murmured. “But I’m—I’m not ready, and that’s not fair. I don’t mean to be a tease. If you think we should stop seeing each other—”

  “What?” He scowled, yanking his face away from hers.

  “Come on. Let’s not pretend I’m not giving you mixed signals.”

  “Teddy, you’re not a fucking tease. You’re not sending mixed signals, and I’m not going to stop seeing you because you’re not ready to have sex. For god’s sake—you’ve never even had consensual sex before. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  She shook her head slowly before she softly admitted, “It’s not exactly the easiest thing to talk about.”

  “Look at me,” Judah demanded, gently squeezing the back of her neck. When she obeyed, he slipped the tips of his fingers into her hair and brought his face within an inch of hers. “I would never, never take advantage of you. I’m not some dumb fuck who gets off stealing what isn’t offered to me. Do you believe that?”

  Her eyes filled with fresh tears, and he watched as she stared into his eyes. A moment of silence passed between them, but he didn’t rush her for an answer. Finally, she offered him a nod before she leaned toward him until her forehead was pressed to his.

  “You’re a gorgeous woman, Theodora. Your body deserves to be worshipped.” Judah brushed his lips against hers in a featherlight kiss and then added, “I’ll never give you more than you can handle. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  “I know,” she whispered. “I’m sorry I—”

  “Don’t apologize.”

  Judah punctuated his statement with a kiss. Only, rather than pull away, he lingered in hopes of starting another conversation. He opened his mouth around hers, and she responded in kind. He teased her with his tongue but didn’t offer her more. That wasn’t the conversation he wanted to have. They shared a sensual, quiet, and intimate kiss. It was affection coated in a promise. It was an exchange he’d never had with a woman before—and it felt more real than he thought a kiss could be.

  Teddy felt more real than any woman he ever touched.

  “Jude,” she breathed, bringing her hands to his chest.

  He brought both of his hands down to hold her waist, lifting his face away from hers as he said, “I hear you, sweetheart.”

  Teddy pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and hesitated a second before she murmured, “Maybe I should go.”

  Judah frowned and shook his head. He didn’t know what thoughts were circling around her brain, but the events of their evening—unexpected as they were—hadn’t changed what he wanted. “No,” he told her. “You’ll stay here with me. I’ll get you a t-shirt.”

  She eyed him warily, but then offered him a nod. This was all the confirmation he needed. Judah pressed a quick kiss to her lips and then took a step back. Reaching behind his head, he grabbed the collar of his shirt and tugged it off of him. Teddy giggled when he handed it to her, and the sound felt good. Certain she’d want a moment alone, he winked at her and then left to shut down his home for the night.

  Teddy was still in the bathroom when he returned. He didn’t bother to check on her as he went to his closet. He was smart enough to know a few minutes alone were warranted. By the time he reentered his bedroom, Teddy was perched at the foot of the bed, her long wavy locks hanging down her back. At the sound of Judah’s footsteps, she turned to glance at him from over her shoulder. He watched as she swept a bit of hair behind her ear, as if unsure what would happen next. Silently, Judah rounded the bed and began to turn down the sheets.

  They climbed into bed together, and Teddy laid facing Judah for only a second. When she rolled onto her other side, putting her back to him, he understood she wasn’t turning away from him—she was asking for more. He turned out the light and then slid his arm around her, tucking her against him.

  Neither of them spoke. It didn’t feel necessary. Rather, Judah listened to the sound of Teddy’s breathing as he replayed the events of the last hour. He had seen glimpses of the memories that haunted her. That first night—after Benjamin told his story—he saw in her hazel-brown eyes that she knew pain. He remembered how she opened up to him about her tattoos. Time, itself, seemed to escalate the nature of her clues until that very night. Now he knew. Even more, what he learned only made him want her more.

  He would have her, of this he was certain. But what it would mean was beginning to transform in his mind. It wasn’t simply that he was sure she was unlike any other woman he would ever experience. It had evolved. He would be unlike any other man she ever experienced. Moreover, he would be invited where no man had been invited before.

  For reasons he didn’t wish to explain, this truth mattered most of all.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  I woke like I had done twice before in Judah’s bed—alone. Glancing over my shoulder, I saw the rumpled sheets where he had been. Beyond that was the view seen out his wall-sized window. I could tell by the amount of sunshine pouring into his backyard that morning was well on its way. I didn’t want to overstay my welcome, but I rolled onto my back and stared up at the ceiling for a minute, replaying the events of the previous evening.

  A part of me was embarrassed. I’d experienced panic attacks before. I’d even experienced an episode with Judah—but not as horrible as the one that played through my mind. Along with my embarrassment, I felt stupid. I should have known something like that might have happened. I didn’t consider myself a particularly fragile woman. I had fought against the past that haunted me. Yet, my mind was scarred, and one instant—one touch set me off.

  Then Judah shocked me. I freaked, and rather than pull away, he held me close. He calmed me down. He comforted me in a way no one ever had before. Judah—the same man who told me I would be an exceptionally welcome beauty in his bed less than ten minutes after meeting me. Thinking about how he coaxed the truth out of me, and his insistence that I stay, I realized how badly I wanted him. Not just Judah—the gentleman—but Judah, the man who made my whole body come alive. I wanted to be stronger, for him—for myself—for pleasure and intimacy. I didn’t want to cower in the memories of my past.

  Wishing to see the man who occupied my thoughts, I sat up and got out of bed. I stopped in the bathroom long enough to gather my messy hair into a top bun and rinse my mouth. With that done, I made my way through the bedroom in order to search for Judah. Noting he wasn’t in his office, I tiptoed my way upstairs and found him at his dining room table. He was on his feet, bent over studying something, in only a pair of athletic shorts. I paused and admired him—the shape of his body, the muscles in his back, and
the way the sun shone on him in just the right way.

  My eyes caught sight of my camera, still sitting on the coffee table, and I went to grab it—moving as quietly as possible. I turned it on, hoping he wouldn’t hear the device come to life, and continued to sneak my way closer.

  Click.

  He heard the sound of my first shot and peered over his shoulder. When his eyes found me, I snapped another photo.

  “Good morning,” he greeted.

  “Morning,” I replied, lowering my camera.

  He said nothing more, but simply stared at me. It wasn’t an invitation, but I wanted to be near him. I wanted to wrap myself around him, and for him to do the same to me. With my gaze locked with his, I closed the distance between us, setting my camera down on the corner of the table. My belly erupted in butterflies when he reached over and snaked his arm around my waist, guiding me into the space in front of him. When I was where he wanted me, he held me against his chest and pressed a wet kiss against my neck. I titled my head in order to offer him easier access, and this seemed to be the right move.

  Judah kissed me from my shoulder all the way up to the sensitive spot behind my ear. As his lips ascended, so did his hand. Feeling his way over the fabric of his long-sleeved t-shirt, he cupped my breast—bare beneath the fabric. I was breathless as he tweaked my hardened nipple, and I reactively pressed further into his chest. When his mouth grazed my cheek, I was quick to turn my head in search of his lips. With my eyes closed, he met me halfway, tangling his tongue with mine on a moan.

  The next thing I knew, his fingers were no longer at my breast but reaching inside of my panties. He barely grazed my clit, and I couldn’t stop myself from turning toward him.

  “Please, don’t stop,” I whispered, circling my arms around his neck.

  He hesitated only a moment, then hooked his thumbs under the waistband of either side of my panties. With his eyes trained on me, he began to inch them down and over my backside. I gripped onto his shoulders and returned his stare. I knew, after the previous night, he was asking with his hands whether or not I could trust him—and I wanted to. More than anything, I wanted to be free of my fear.