Inside Affair

by Ella Frank

  I grimaced, but tried to play it off. “Maybe I was running from you. I have been stuck with you for a good two weeks now.”

  “Best two weeks of your life, no?”

  Even though I couldn’t see him clearly, I could make out his smile, and after the horrible couple of days I’d just had, it felt nice to want to return it. “It’s been…enlightening.”

  “Enlightening? Care to expand on that?”

  As I stared across at him in the darkness of my room, I found myself wanting to. Even though every iota of common sense told me to keep my mouth shut. “Well, you’re not as…gruff as you want everyone to believe.”

  “Gruff?”

  I tucked a hand under my cheek. “Yes. You act like you’re this asshole who doesn’t care—”

  “Gee, I’m so fucking glad I asked you to expand on this.”

  I chuckled and couldn’t believe how comfortable I felt, lying there in my bed laughing with Sean. Sean…

  “I’m serious. You act all tough and mean, but I think you do that to keep people at a distance.”

  “And why would I do that?”

  I thought about that for a second—the terrible loss the Bailey brothers had gone through when their parents had passed, and the betrayal of finding out that it had been their father’s fault.

  “I think you do it because then there’s no chance of being hurt or disappointed by those you care about.”

  Silence fell between us, and I wondered if I’d pushed too far. Then Sean whispered into the night, “You know, I think you might be right.”

  32

  Sean

  SOMETHING WAS HAPPENING to me.

  As I lay there in the dark, surrounded by silk sheets and shadows, I had the incredible urge to reach out and touch the man whose bed I had invited myself into only minutes ago.

  Yeah, invited myself into. What’s that about, Sean?

  Xander was only inches from me now, stretched out on his side, and even though the night was concealing his features, I found that I could picture every single one of them as though there was a spotlight on him.

  “Sean?”

  I felt as though my body were being drawn to him. I felt compelled to move closer, to reach out and touch the one I was sharing this moment with, and I had no idea why.

  I was never like this. Never this…vulnerable. I’d always made it a point to keep my guard up. But as I lay there opposite Xander, who was struggling to get through each day at a time, I found myself opening up to him in ways I never imagined possible.

  “You’re right,” I said, thinking about the days, weeks, and months after the car accident that had claimed my parents’ lives. “After Mom and Dad died, I shut down. I pushed people away, my family especially. It seemed, I don’t know, easier than having to share in their grief. Easier than trying to pretend to be sad when all I was feeling was…”

  “It’s okay,” Xander said, so quietly I barely heard him. “You can say it.”

  “Intense fucking rage.” As the words tumbled off my tongue, the relief I felt was shocking. “I felt murderous. But at the same time weak, and completely and utterly useless. If my father hadn’t been killed that night, I swear I would’ve tracked him down and done the job myself.”

  Shame flooded me at the very real emotions behind my words. But when Xander reached out and took my hand in his, the lonely space I’d occupied for the last five and a half years felt a little less…lonely.

  “Have you ever talked to anyone about this?”

  “Like who? Bailey?” Just thinking about that made my gut twist with guilt. How did you admit that instead of grieving the father who raised you, all you felt when he passed was anger? So much goddamn anger. “I don’t think so.”

  “Why not? Do you think he’d somehow think less of you?”

  Yeah, I fucking did, and even if he didn’t, I thought less of myself. What kind of son was I that I couldn’t get past how he died to grieve over the fact that he did?

  The covers shifted, and Xander moved closer to me—so close that the glow from the building lights now illuminated his features, and damn, how had I missed what a truly attractive man he was. And more to the point, why was I noticing now?

  “Bailey would never judge you for feeling that way.”

  “Sure he wouldn’t.”

  Xander’s fingers tightened around mine, and he jerked me forward as though wanting to shake some sense into me.

  “He wouldn’t. Just like I’m not judging you for it. Feeling emotions like weakness, anger, and helplessness? They don’t make you less in any way, Sean—they’re what makes you human.”

  I swallowed around the lump in my throat, and as I stared into Xander’s eyes, my heart began to race, and again I felt it—something was happening to me.

  “Sean?”

  The sound of my name in that familiar voice sent me into some kind of trance, and I found my mind drifting to things I’d never thought of before. Like how Xander’s lips might feel if I were to kiss him right now.

  “I’m sorry,” he said when I remained mute. “I didn’t mean to bring up such a painful memory. I just know how tough this was for Bailey, and I hate to think of you keeping this all to yourself. Then and now.”

  “Not now,” I heard myself say, as I brought his hand up to my chest. “I just shared it with you.”

  Xander flattened his palm over my heart, and the feel of his hand against my bare skin did nothing to calm the wild beating.

  “Sean…” There was no mistaking the breathy catch to his voice.

  Xander was aroused, and to my complete shock, so was I.

  “What are we doing here?”

  I had no fucking clue. One minute I’d been trying to comfort him, and the next I was thinking about how it might feel to kiss him.

  Thump. Thump. Thump. There was that heavy pounding again. My heart beating so loud that I was surprised he couldn’t hear it. I could smell whatever soap and shampoo he’d used in the shower, and as the scent wrapped around me, I stopped thinking of him as my brother’s best friend, and instead started thinking about how right it felt to be here with him in his bed.

  Fuck.

  Xander raised his face to mine, and when our eyes locked I saw the same desire I’d heard in his voice just seconds ago. Jesus, that look was as terrifying as it was hot, because I wasn’t sure what to do next.

  “Sean, whatever it is you think you’re feeling right now, it’s not real—”

  “I don’t know about that,” I said, and before I knew what I was doing, I was trailing my fingers along his jaw. “It feels pretty fucking real to me.”

  Xander trembled and reached for my hand, halting it. “It’s not. It’s just the circumstance, that’s all. The night, the close confines—”

  “The man? Come on, Xander. You think I would feel this way with just anyone? Let alone a guy? I don’t think it’s a particular set of circumstances that has me rock hard right now—I think it’s you, and I think it’s me. Tell me you aren’t wondering what it would feel like to kiss me. Go on, tell me.”

  Xander swallowed, but said nothing.

  “You can’t, can you?”

  “It’s doesn’t matter. It’s totally different for me than it is for you.”

  “How?”

  “Because I’m gay, and I know better than to take advantage of whatever it is you think you’re feeling.”

  “What I think I’m feeling?” I reached for his chin and angled his face so my mouth was hovering over his. “So I don’t really want to kiss you, is that what you’re trying to tell me?”

  “I didn’t say that. I just want to make sure that you—”

  Before he could finish, my mouth was on his. Xander froze and shoved me back, and for a split second I wondered if I’d read this completely wrong—then it happened.

  Xander lunged forward, crashed his mouth down on top of mine, and took my lips in a kiss that I hadn’t realized I craved until now.

  Hard. Rough. And full of pent-u
p desire. Xander’s lips were everything I’d never known I was missing, and when his tongue slid along my lower one seeking permission for entrance, I opened to him in a fucking heartbeat.

  Xander moaned low in his throat as his tongue slipped past that first barrier, and when he speared his fingers into my hair and I arched back into his touch, our bodies came into direct—and very intimate—contact.

  “Shit,” he said against my lips, and then pulled his mouth free. “This is crazy.”

  And really fucking hot. Never in a million years could I have imagined ending up in bed with Xander, and just as I was about to tell him that, he brought his hands down to my chest and gave a gentle shove.

  Hang on a second, what is he—

  “Sean, we need to stop.”

  It took a hot second for that to compute, but when it did, the first thing that entered my mind was that I had done something wrong, or worse, Xander just wasn’t into it.

  “Did I do something you didn’t like?”

  “What?” Xander shook his head. “No. No. But this…this complicates things, Sean. It’s not just a kiss, especially not with you.”

  “Why the fuck not?”

  Xander sighed and rubbed his face. “For so many reasons. But off the top of my head, you’ve never been with a man before. And what about Bailey? There’s so much to think about if we…”

  “If we what?” I said, not willing, for some reason, to let go of the idea of never being able to do this with him again.

  “If we take this any further. Emotions are running high right now, and maybe we need to just stop and, I don’t know, sleep on it.”

  He was right. I knew he was. But the second I rolled away from him, my body tensed, rebelling against the move. It didn’t want to leave—the bed or the man—and wasn’t that a fucking head-trip?

  “Sean?”

  I stopped on the second step of the bed’s platform and looked back at where Xander sat in the shadows.

  “Yeah?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  I had no idea what he was apologizing for, considering I planned to get back to this conversation in the morning, but before I could say that, he scooted down in bed, and I took that to mean that the conversation was done.

  I made my way to the settee and took up a position where I could keep an eye on him, and I wondered if Xander was reliving what had just happened the way I was. Because shit, that had been one of the hottest kisses I’d ever had.

  I brought my fingers to my lips, remembering the delicious pressure of Xander’s as he’d practically devoured me, and while I knew he thought I was confused about what I was feeling, one thing I wasn’t confused about was how fucking hard I was.

  Xander… I was sitting here with a hard-on for Xander. Confusing wasn’t the right word. Mind-blowing might be closer. That I’d somehow walked through life and never really looked at one of the people who was in it.

  But I was looking now, and as I grabbed one of the couch pillows and settled in for the night, my eyes locked on the man I’d known for as long as I could remember, and I felt as though I were seeing him for the very first time—and damn if I didn’t like the view.

  33

  Xander

  I WOKE LATE, and I woke alone. A weird sensation when just the night before this bed had been full of emotions so explosive they had nearly ignited the sheets.

  I wasn’t surprised Sean had left, though. If anything, I’d been shocked he wanted to stay after the way things had ended. But it seemed he’d been eager for some space of his own the second the night had passed.

  I closed my eyes for a minute and allowed myself to remember the moment when Sean had changed from an all-round nuisance to the man who’d reawakened my body with just one kiss—and what a kiss it had been. Sean kissed like he did everything else, arrogantly, and while it might’ve been the first time he’d ever kissed a man, by the end of it, he’d been all in.

  I let out a sigh and opened my eyes. This morning was going to be tense for reasons that had nothing to do with a hot kiss, and everything to do with me putting a halt to things. But one thing my parents had drilled into me from a young age was that there were always consequences to my actions. In the case of Sean and me, there would be many.

  That didn’t mean I hadn’t wanted it, though. Hadn’t wanted him. And even after he’d taken up his original spot in my sitting area, I hadn’t been able to take my eyes off him—and vice versa.

  It had been one of the longest, most frustrating nights of my life, and what had started out as curiosity when it came to Sean Bailey had now turned into a deep, insistent longing that I had no idea how to crush.

  Shoving aside the sheet, I spotted a note on my bedside table with Mornin’, Anchorman scrawled across the top. Picking it up, I read over the words, and despite the fact Sean had left before I’d even opened my eyes, I found a smile crossing my face.

  I needed to make some calls. Come find me when you wake.

  The place has already been cleared.

  - Sean

  P.S. I woke up super hungry this morning. Hope you did too…

  It was difficult to tell if this note was meant to be the double entendre I read it as. But knowing Sean, and the way any joke of a sexual nature—especially a gay one—flew over his head, my thoughts were that he probably had just woken up…hungry.

  That didn’t help the throb that had again started between my legs, however, and, deciding I needed to get dressed and get out of this room, where the memories of that kiss were swirling in my head, I made my way to the bathroom for a quick shower before facing the day.

  A quick cold shower.

  THE SOUND OF a sizzling pan greeted me when I stepped out of my bedroom around fifteen minutes later, and the tantalizing smell of bacon not long after that.

  I made my way down the hall, and when I rounded the corner into my kitchen to see Sean standing at the oven in a pair of cargo shorts and one of those tight t-shirts he favored, my conscience, which had been so loud the night before, suddenly became very hard to hear.

  How had I missed what a phenomenal body he had all these years? Those crumpled work suits had been hiding a seriously powerful physique. One I wanted to feel against me, doing things I never imagined wanting with Sean.

  Pushing that thought aside, I reminded myself just how dangerous it was to think of my best friend’s brother this way. No matter how damn attractive he was.

  “Good morning,” I said.

  Sean glanced in my direction, and as his eyes trailed down over my white linen shirt and plum-colored Bermuda shorts, it became apparent that the bacon wasn’t the only thing now hot in the kitchen.

  “Mornin’.”

  One word—that was apparently all it took for my brain to forget how to function and my cock to eagerly take its place. But I wasn’t going to give in. Consequences were a real thing.

  I swallowed and tried to bank the urge to kiss him again, just to see if it would be as intense and addictive as last night.

  Instead, I looked to the pan and nodded. “Smells good.”

  “Yeah?” Sean grinned. “Wasn’t sure you were a big breakfast kind of guy. I’ve only ever seen you inhale coffee and eat cereal.”

  Happy to see he wasn’t about to make things awkward, I moved around him and headed to the fridge, where I grabbed the juice from the top shelf.

  “That’s the standard for sure. But obviously you found my stash of bacon, sooo…”

  “Clearly we’re a match made in heaven.”

  I froze where I stood by the fridge, and then Sean looked my way and laughed.

  “You should see your face right now.”

  I could imagine. But hearing him talk about us in such a casually intimate way did things to my… Well, my entire body. Not entirely unpleasant things, either.

  “Relax, Xander. It’s not like I suddenly think we’re soul mates.” As Sean looked back to the bacon, he chuckled. “Even if you do kiss like you should be giving a master class on it
.”

  Okay. I hadn’t been sure if last night was a result of specific circumstances or a mutual attraction. But this time when Sean glanced my way, there were no shadows to conceal the arousal swirling in his eyes.

  I slowly shut the fridge door and placed the juice on the counter. “A master class, huh? That’s a pretty high compliment.”

  Sean’s eyes fell to my mouth, and damn if I could remember the reasons why this—whatever this was—was a bad idea.

  “Well, it was a pretty hot fucking kiss.”

  I had to hand it to him. Sean was as blunt as one could be, and for the first time since I’d known him, I couldn’t have been happier for it. Nor could I keep the grin off my lips.

  “What?” Sean said, making my smile grow even wider.

  “Nothing. I was just wondering if you ever imagined saying those words to me.”

  “Well, no. But then again, I never imagined watching you sleep would make me hard as a fucking rock, but…”

  I knew I should stop this conversation. Head it off at the pass while I still could. But instead of doing that, instead of listening to my brain and heeding its advice, I reached over to the stove and turned off the burner.

  Sean glanced down at where my fingers rested on the knob in front of him. When he let go of the pan and placed the tongs down on the counter, I touched my fingers to the hem of his shirt and said, “But what?”

  34

  Sean

  FUCK. THIS WAS about to get all kinds of complicated, judging by the stiff dick in my pants and pounding of my heart.

  When Xander had put an end to things last night, I hadn’t really known what to expect this morning. I knew he’d done it in part because he thought I didn’t know what I was feeling. But as the memories of that kiss flashed behind my eyes, the blinding arousal that had overtaken me made it impossible to deny the truth—and the truth was that Xander turned me on.