Behind His Eyes

by Claire Kingsley

"Is that it?" Nicole asks, using her free hand to point to a gravel road on the left.

  "God, I hope so."

  I turn and the car bounces along the uneven surface. Nicole glances behind us, then looks at me, biting her lower lip.

  She unlatches her seat belt and leans down, putting her head in my lap. Is she kidding? Oh fuck me. Her tongue circles the tip of my cock. My eyes go blurry and the car bounces. I put a hand on her head to keep her from hitting the steering wheel.

  "Holy shit, Nicole."

  She slides me into her mouth, her tongue warm and slick. She sucks in a little and I groan, trying desperately to keep the car on the gravel. The road is so uneven, I have to slow down. She takes the shaft in her hand and pulls while she works the tip with her mouth.

  "Fuck me, Nicole, that feels amazing. I don't think I can keep driving if you do that."

  In answer, she takes more of me into her mouth, and draws out again.

  "Oh my god." I press on the brake and stop. I’m going to hit a tree if I keep going.

  She moves her mouth up and down, sucking on the crown when she gets to the top. I lean my head back, breathing hard. Her every move makes me shudder. I fist my hand through her hair, careful not to push her down, letting her lead. I want to put my fingers inside her, to make her feel this way too, but I can’t think clearly. Her body is angled too far for me to reach her pussy, so I ease the seat back to make sure she has room, and enjoy the feel of her mouth on me.

  Is this actually happening? Did Nicole Prescott just take me up Forest Hill Road to suck my cock? It’s like all my craziest teenage fantasies come true. Except I never even thought to fantasize about this—it would have seemed impossible. So far out of reach, it was too stupid to use as jack off material. But fuck me if it isn’t happening.

  Even if I had fantasized about it before, it never would have been this good in my imagination.

  The tension builds, and she keeps going. I’m going out of my mind, but I’m not sure if she wants me to come in her mouth.

  "Whoa, Nicole," I say. I’m practically panting. "God, that's so good. That's..." She does something with her tongue and I rock my head back against the seat and groan. "You better slow down, baby."

  She swivels her head just a little and I look down. Those big, blue eyes look up at me, her lips pursed around the tip of my cock. It is the hottest motherfucking thing I've ever seen in my entire life: Nicole looking up at me with my dick in her mouth. My muscles clench and I almost come right there.

  I let out a breath and put my fingers beneath her chin. "Come up here."

  She plunges down on my cock one last time and I groan again. As unbelievable as this is, I want to be inside her. She sits up and wipes her hand across her chin.

  "Did you like that?" she asks. The hint of worry in her voice is the cutest thing.

  "Are you kidding? You just blew my mind."

  A wide smile spreads across her face. I adjust the seat back again and grab her, pulling her on top of me. She straddles over my lap, her hot little skirt pulling up over her legs. I reach under and push my fingers inside her, rubbing her clit. She makes delicious little noises as I move. I grab the firm flesh of her ass with one hand while the other plays with the soft, wet skin between her legs.

  "Ryan, stop teasing me," she says, trying to push her hips down. "I want your cock in me."

  Of course that means I have to tease her a little more, but my cock throbs at her proximity.

  "Tell me again what you want," I say.

  "I want you inside me. I want your hot, pulsing cock in me right now."

  How can I deny a request like that?

  I push her panties to the side and grab her hips, lowering her onto me. I slide in with ease, feeling the hot, sweet pressure envelop me. My eyes roll back and I clutch at her ass, moving her back and forth.

  "This was such a good idea," I say.

  She lets out a breathy giggle. Her thighs squeeze against me as she rocks her hips up and down. I slip my hands up her shirt and beneath her bra, feeling her hard nipples. She picks up the pace, riding me harder. Fuck me, I’m going to come too fast. She got me so close with her mouth already.

  "Careful, baby," I say. "This is too good."

  "No, don't hold back," she says.

  I can feel her getting hotter, her muscles clenching around me. I grab her ass, picking her up so she can slide back down. My orgasm builds, the pressure almost torture.

  "Oh my god, Ryan," she says. "You feel amazing."

  I grip her hips, slowing her down. "Look at me."

  Nicole meets my eyes, her breath coming fast. We pause, both on the brink of climax. I stare, devouring every inch of her. Those sparkling blue eyes, that sweet, delicious mouth.

  She rolls her hips, grinding herself into me. My mouth drops open. She moans, repeating the motion.

  "Are you ready?" I ask.

  "Yes."

  I guide her hips, pushing her back and forth. She slides up and down my cock, sending jolts of pleasure through me. She speeds up, crying out, and throws her head back. Her pussy clenches around me and her orgasm triggers mine. My cock pulses inside her, bursting with waves of pleasure. My mind goes blank. Nothing exists except us, this moment, this feeling.

  When we both finish, she slumps against me. I wrap my arms around her, burying my face in her neck.

  “Holy shit, that was unreal,” I say.

  She pulls back to look at me. Her hair is tousled and her cheeks flushed. "Yeah, it was."

  I lean forward to kiss her.

  As if coming back to herself, she looks around and laughs. The windows are so foggy, we can't see through them. "I can't believe I just did that."

  "That makes two of us," I say. I kiss her forehead, her nose, her lips. I’m euphoric, enjoying my post-orgasm glow. I think about cooking dinner for her later. If the weather holds out, we can make a fire on the beach.

  Nicole moves off my lap back into the passenger seat. I adjust my pants and zip them up. She smooths her skirt down and shifts sideways to look at me.

  "So, um, that was incredible," she says.

  I blow out a breath. "That's the understatement of the century. To be clear, this isn't exactly what I meant when I said I'd come pick you up. Not that I'm complaining."

  She laughs. "I know. I've never done anything like this before. You make me feel so brave, like I can take chances. And I thought it would be fun to surprise you."

  "That was definitely a surprise," I say.

  She smiles again, but her eyes drop and her face turns serious. "Ryan, the last couple days have been amazing. I'm not sure what this is, or where it's going, or if we're even supposed to have a conversation about that yet."

  "Don't get so hung up on 'supposed to.' There's no rule book we have to follow."

  "Fair enough," she says. "I guess I need to know what this is to you. I can't stay in Jetty Beach. I have to get back to my job or I'm probably going to get fired."

  My euphoria flees in an instant. I knew she wasn't planning to stay in town with her parents forever, but this takes me by surprise. "When are you leaving?"

  "Tomorrow," she says. "I won't get back in time to go into the office, but I can at least figure out where I'm going to stay. Maybe grab more of my stuff from my apartment. I have a meeting on Tuesday that I really should attend, and we have a luncheon on Friday. I can't exactly help with an event from here."

  "Yeah, of course," I say. "That makes sense."

  "So, I was wondering... do you want me to come down next weekend? Or was this sort of ... I don't know. Temporary?"

  I meet her eyes and reach out to touch her cheek. "I would love for you to come down next weekend," I say. "You can stay at my place if you want."

  Her smile cuts through the sense of foreboding that threatens to disturb my happiness. We can make this work. I don’t like the hollow feeling in my chest, but I tell myself I’m just taken aback by her leaving. She'll do what she has to do for her job, and I'll see her soon. She
'll be fine. I know that.

  I’m not so sure about me.

  19

  RYAN

  I should have seen my relapse coming. I know the signs—what to look for. But that's the thing about depression. It sneaks in and waits, hiding in the shadows. When it senses weakness, it doesn't pounce. Instead of hitting hard and fast, out in the open, it slithers in through the cracks. It lodges itself in your vulnerable places and takes root. Before you know it, you're slogging through its depths, and it can be hard as fuck to pull yourself out.

  Nicole leaves for Seattle the next day, assuring me she has a place to stay with a friend from work. I think about driving up with her, maybe staying the week. I have a shoot on Wednesday, but I can reschedule. In the end, I hold back. We shared a couple of amazing days together, but I’m rushing. I’m falling for her headlong, and when I crash back to Earth, it’s going to hurt. Better to keep my distance and let her go. I'll see her in a week. After that, we'll see what happens.

  Tuesday dawns and I stay in bed half the morning. Getting up doesn’t seem too important, so I don’t bother. My brother calls and I ignore him for a few hours before finally calling him back. I don’t answer when my mom tries to call me either, but I text her to say I’m busy and I'll talk to her tomorrow.

  The days go on like that, and weeks go by. I don’t sleep well at night and spend my days tired and irritable. Nicole comes down every weekend. I offer to come up and see her, but she’s rooming with a friend and says it won’t be very comfortable to have me stay there. She also turns down my offer of booking a hotel. I respect that, although I feel guilty that she has to do all the driving. Still, I live for weekends. I shuffle through life during the week, knowing that as soon as she shows up at my door, I'll feel better. I'll feel alive again.

  And I do. We watch movies, take naps, eat out, and make sweet, hot, exquisite love—on my bed, on the floor, in the studio. Even once on the beach, although it’s cold as shit. Afterward, we take a hot shower together and decide maybe that’s an experience best not repeated.

  And every Sunday night, she packs her duffel bag, gets in her car, and drives away. Back to her life.

  There’s no way this is going to last.

  It pisses me off that I’m so despondent over her. I shouldn't need another person, even a person as incredible as Nicole, to make me want to get out of bed in the morning. How did I survive before I met her? I was doing well. I bought the church, worked hard on renovations, kept my business going. I traveled to shoots on location, and took on new clients when my studio was finished. My parents invited me to dinner at least once a week, and it didn’t seem like a chore to go visit.

  After Nicole has been gone a few weeks, I find myself spending long days on my couch playing Halo. I look up at the clock and realize I spent an entire day just sitting, doing nothing. And the worst part is, I don’t really care.

  Late on a Thursday night, I get a text from Nicole. I hardly spoke to her all week. She had an event at work and she put in long hours getting everything ready.

  Hey, event is done! Went great. Boss gave me tomorrow off. Mind if I come early?

  It should make me happy. I should be excited at the thought of seeing her tomorrow, instead of waiting until Saturday. We'll have three days together, instead of two. Isn’t that good news?

  Then why do I stare listlessly at my phone, not sure what to say?

  Sounds great.

  Yay! I'll get up early so I can be with you sooner.

  I figure I should reply, but I feel like the emptiness is eating me alive. I toss my phone back on the couch and stretch my legs out. Have I eaten dinner today? I have no idea. I don’t really care.

  "HEY, SLEEPYHEAD."

  Nicole's voice rouses me and I turn over. I was sleeping in my clothes. I rub my eyes and blink at her. "What time is it?"

  "Ten," she says. "Are you okay?"

  "Yeah," I say. "Just overslept. How was the drive?"

  "Amazingly, not bad," she says, sitting down on the edge of the bed. "I figured traffic would be terrible on a Friday morning, but I guess I got lucky."

  I sit up, still feeling groggy. I was awake, staring at the ceiling, until at least four last night. "Good."

  "Are you okay?" she asks.

  No. I'm sinking. Don't believe what I say. "Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry, I just had trouble sleeping last night. I could use some coffee."

  "Well, you're in luck," she says, getting up. She walks over to a table and grabs two coffees. "I picked these up on the way. They're still pretty hot."

  I take the brown cup with the Old Town Cafe logo on the side. I smile at her, because it seems like what I should do.

  "You can take your time, but I figured we could go into town later," she says. "I need to turn in the event permits for the festival, and since I'm here on a weekday, I thought I could do it in person."

  "Okay."

  She narrows her eyes at me. "Are you sure you're all right?"

  The concern in her voice cuts through my haze. "Yeah, I'm sorry Nicole. I haven't been getting enough sleep." I stand and slip a hand around her waist, pulling her close. "I missed you."

  "Mm, I missed you too," she says between kisses. "This is more like it."

  WE SPEND the day in town. Working with her on festival business makes me feel slightly less useless. She chats with a few shop owners, talking about ideas for sprucing up their outdoor decor. She smiles and laughs, and is personable and sweet. It takes a lot of energy for me to engage with people. After an hour, I want nothing more than to go back home and sack out on my couch. But Nicole has enough enthusiasm for both of us, and by the afternoon I simply follow along, hoping she'll be finished soon.

  "I'm starving," she says after talking to the owner of the florist shop for what seems like hours. "Want to get some food?"

  "I guess." The thought of sitting in a restaurant is strangely abhorrent. "Why don't we just go back to my place? We can get something to eat there."

  "I think you might have a half-eaten bag of pretzels and some beer at your place, but that's about it," she says.

  A spike of irritation runs through me. "Well, you showed up here a day early. What am I supposed to do? Keep my fridge stocked in case you decide to come by on a whim?"

  She looks at me with her mouth open. "Seriously? What's wrong with you?"

  "Nothing," I say. I know I’m being short with her and she's done absolutely nothing to deserve it, but that only makes me angrier. "I just don't want to go to a fucking restaurant right now."

  "Great. Do I get asshole Ryan this weekend? I'm so glad I decided to come for an extra day."

  She stomps back to my car and gets in the passenger side. I get in and start the car, refusing to look her direction. From the corner of my eye, I see her sitting with her arms crossed, her legs angled away from me.

  We drive to my house in silence. What the hell is wrong with her, anyway? I didn’t ask her to come today. For all she knew, I have work to do. Does she expect me to just drop everything because she has a day off?

  When we pull up the driveway, she flies out of the car almost before I stop. I don’t get out. What is wrong with me? Why am I convincing myself I’m mad at her? I don’t have anything to be mad about.

  "Fuck!" I beat my fist against the steering wheel. I’m such an asshole.

  Nicole comes charging out of the studio, her bag in hand. She fumbles with her keys, throws open her car door and tosses her bag inside.

  I lurch out of my car in a panic. I can’t let her go like this. "Wait, Nicole. Please."

  She stops, her back to me, her hand on her car door.

  I walk over to stand behind her. I’m close enough to touch her but I don't dare. "I'm sorry. Really, I'm so sorry. That was all me. I don't know what's wrong with me lately. Please don't go."

  She slowly turns to face me. "What's going on with you? Every time I drive down, I don't know who I'll see when I get here. Will it be sweet, sensitive Ryan? Will he kiss my fingertips and tel
l me how much he missed me? Or will it be grumpy, asshole Ryan, the guy who snaps at me for no reason and can't be bothered to get out of bed in the morning."

  "I know, you're right," I say. "I get like this sometimes. It's stupid. I'm sorry. It isn't your fault."

  "You need to just tell me if you're feeling bad," she says. "I can see it, you know. I'm not blind."

  I step closer and brush her hair back from her face. "I know you're not. You're amazing and wonderful and I don't deserve you." No, I don't. Not today, not tomorrow. Not ever. I close my eyes and brush my lips against her cheek. "Please don't leave."

  She leans her mouth close to my ear. "All right. I'll go inside with you. Then you have five minutes to convince me to stay."

  She nibbles on my earlobe, and my dick stirs. I'll have to do my best.

  20

  NICOLE

  T he sound of the keynote speaker fills the room, but I have no idea what he’s saying. He’s some bigwig from Microsoft. Or he was. I’m not quite sure, since I find it more or less impossible to focus on what he’s saying. My mind is in a million other places, rather than in the large hotel conference room.

  I’m working, but there isn’t much left for me to do. The charity lunch seems to be going well. Table assignments are done. Programs have been passed out. The hotel caterer set up on time, and the menu was followed. The low buzz of conversation filled the room while well-dressed executives networked, gossiped, and prepared to donate to the cause of the week. For a second, I can’t remember what this lunch is for. I look down at the clipboard in my hands. A youth organization. Good. This is good. Meaningful. It’s a worthy way to spend my time.

  I sigh and lean against the check-in table at the back of the room. I’m grateful it’s Friday. The last couple of months have felt like leading a double life, and it’s starting to wear on me. I moved in with my co-worker, Andrea, renting the tiny extra bedroom in her condo. It’s nice of her to let me stay, and the temporary arrangement suits me. She doesn’t need me to sign a lease, just pay her month to month until I find a new place. I looked up a few potential apartments online, but between work during the week and spending my weekends with Ryan, I haven’t made much progress on actually finding somewhere else to live.