No Shame: The Complete Series: Including exclusive bonus materials and deleted scenes

by Phoenix, Nora

  “Hi,” Josh said, not opening the door wide enough for Connor to step in.

  “Hi.” Had Josh changed his mind? Connor’s stomach sank. “Can I come in?” he asked when Josh didn’t say anything else.

  “Shit, yes, of course,” Josh stammered and threw the door wide open. Connor smiled. It looked like the guy was as nervous as he was, which was sweet.

  “I brought you something,” he said when they were inside, Josh watching him as he hung up his jacket and took off his beanie and boots.

  He handed Josh the wrapped package. Would he like it? Connor held his breath.

  Josh unwrapped it, then let out a little squeal. “The new Forza game! I wanted this. How did you know?”

  A warmth Connor couldn’t explain burned through him. He'd gotten it right. Damn, that felt wicked good. “It was a guess. I saw the Xbox last time and figured you were the one playing the most, so I went to the store and asked for a game without violence. The sales guy said Forza was a lot of fun, had beautiful graphics, and no gore.”

  Before he realized what was happening, Josh stepped in and kissed Connor on his mouth. “Thank you. Perfect gift.”

  An electric shock fired up Connor’s system at the all-too-short sensation of Josh's lips on his. More. He wanted so much more. He swallowed. “You’re welcome. Glad you like it.”

  He followed Josh into the living room, catching a satisfying look at his tight ass in those dungies. Damn, he could watch that butt for hours and not get bored.

  “I made us some tapas as appetizers,” Josh said, a hint of insecurity in his voice. He led Connor into the dining room where a sturdy wooden table had been set for two, complete with candles and napkins. White, small serving dishes in various shapes and forms held tiny little bites of beautifully arranged food. It all looked like it had been ripped from the kitchen of a three-star restaurant. Josh had gone through a lot of trouble for this date and didn’t that warm Connor’s heart? Whatever doubts he’d entertained after Josh had kicked him out last time vaporized.

  “That looks amazing,” Connor said. “You weren’t kidding when you said cooking was a hobby.”

  A sweet smile flashed across Josh's face before he gestured toward one of the chairs. “What can I get you to drink? I forgot to buy wine, because Noah and I don’t drink.”

  There was that insecurity again, as if he was scared Connor would get upset with him for not having wine. “I rarely drink, and I never do when I’m driving, so that’s fine. It’s probably gonna clash with these delicious dishes, but I’d love some more of your lemonade.”

  Josh's whole face lit up, his smile shooting lightning bolts through Connor. What was it about this man that made Connor want to protect him, pleasure him, and cherish him? All these warm and fuzzy feelings swirled around inside of him, and he didn’t know what to do with them.

  Josh sat down across from him after he’d gotten them both a glass of lemonade. “You said you liked everything, so I went a little experimental with the tapas. We have salad wraps with spicy chicken inside, homemade mini croquettes, Spanish ham rolls with melon, and gazpacho, which is a cold tomato soup.”

  “Wow. Tell me which one to start with.”

  Josh handed him the cold soup, served in a tiny glass. “It’s a little spicy, but it’s perfect to start with.”

  Perfect was the right word. A rich, full tomato flavor exploded in Connor’s mouth at the first sip. It was fresh, spicy, and it tasted like summer despite the freezing cold outside. “Oh, man, that is so good. Love it.”

  “I’m glad you like it. It’s Noah’s favorite, too.”

  Noah. Connor couldn’t help but like the guy, but what was the deal with him and Josh? No matter what Noah had said about him and Josh not being together, something was going on. Josh and Noah were living together, and Josh had been clear about him and Noah having sex as well. How did Indy fit into this picture? And was there even room for Connor? Still, he didn’t want to start this date by asking the hard questions.

  “Look, I know we’re both new at this, so I did some research,” he said.

  “You did?”

  “I figured we could start with ‘Would you rather’ questions to get to know each other.”

  A smile played on Josh's lips. “You’re a bit of a control freak, aren’t you?”

  Connor opted for honesty, which seemed like a good strategy with Josh. “I am, and not even a little bit. I worried that between your shyness and my inexperience at this, we’d get stuck in uncomfortable silences, so I wanted to make sure we had a good time.”

  “I can appreciate that. You start.”

  Connor took another sip of his delicious soup, then fired off the first question. “Would you rather spend a year on a deserted island or in a cabin in the woods?”

  “The cabin. I’m not a big fan of beaches, and I love hiking, so I’d take the woods. My turn, right?”

  Connor nodded, curious what Josh would come up with. “Would you rather eat cereal every meal for a year or go without coffee for a year?”

  “I don’t drink coffee, not anymore.”

  Josh raised his eyebrows. “Why not?”

  Connor hesitated, then surprised himself by going all in. “Our captors, they’d drink this rich, strong coffee all day. The smell permeated everything. I haven’t had a drop since, and even the smell of coffee makes me nauseous.”

  Josh's eyes went soft. “Smell is a powerful trigger for memories, both good and bad ones.”

  Connor studied the kind blue eyes across the table. He’d never talked about his experiences. Even the trauma psychologist his CO had sicced on him had barely managed to get a word out of him. The thought of witnessing pity on people’s faces, that they would see him differently, would treat him as damaged—it had prevented him from ever saying anything. But Josh, he understood. He’d been through his own version of hell, and he had survived. And Connor didn’t see Josh as weak, damaged, or a victim. Even with the PTSD, Connor couldn’t view him as anything else but a survivor, a strong fighter determined to get better.

  “Next question. Would you rather go without books or without sex for a year?” Josh asked.

  “Hey, it was my turn!” Connor protested.

  “You waited too long, so you forfeited. Answer the question.”

  The guy was such an intriguing mix of shy and sexy, of awkward and flirty. And even after having had time to think it over, the size of Connor’s cock wasn’t deterring him. “Define sex,” Connor said. “Are we talking all sexual acts or penetration?”

  Josh smiled. “I like how you think. Erm, let’s say all sexual acts.”

  “Yeah, I’ll go without books in that case. Pretty sure my balls would explode if I couldn’t jerk off for a year. How about you? You seem fond of your books … ”

  “Not that fond, trust me. I’d have to agree with you on that one. Next. Would you rather fuck every day for the rest of your life, or get a blow job every day?”

  “How come you get to ask another question? Isn’t it my turn by now?”

  “Nope, you used my own question about sex or books on your turn.”

  Connor shook his head, laughing. “You’re a smart ass.”

  “Answer the question.”

  Connor had no hesitation this time, even though his stomach clenched. It would never happen, at least not with Josh. “Fuck. Hands down.”

  Josh nodded, a happy smile on his face. “I figured.”

  “I guess I’d have to alter the question for you a little,” Connor said. “These salad rolls are amazing, by the way. Perfect combination of the crispy lettuce and the spicy chicken.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Would you rather be fucked every day for the rest of your life or give a blow job every day? That’s what I should ask you, right?”

  Josh frowned. “Am I so obvious?”

  Connor reached out his hand, put it on top of Josh's. “You already told me you were a bottom, and that you loved sucking cock. I remembered because
what you say is important.”

  Josh studied him, his blue eyes assessing. Connor stayed perfectly still. “Yeah,” Josh finally said. “That’s what you should ask. So are you asking?”

  “No. Because I’d want to do both.”

  Josh's eyes glazed over. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed. “I’d want that, too.”

  “Yeah?” Connor asked, his insides doing a happy dance.

  “I want to do everything you ask me.” Josh cast his eyes downward, fidgeted with his hands.

  Connor stilled. Is he saying what I hope he is? There’s no way. No fucking way. Could he at least hint at what was inside of him, this deep yearning? “All I want is to take care of you. You trigger a deep, dominant urge in me. I’m sorry if that offends you or scares you.”

  His eyes were trained on Josh, studying his every reaction. Josh's eyes lifted to meet his. “It doesn’t.”

  What he saw in Josh's eyes made Connor breathless. “How does it make you feel?”

  “Wanted. Safe.” Connor’s grip on Josh's hand intensified. “Indy says I have submissive tendencies. Do you know what that is?”

  Connor swallowed. Holy crap. “Yeah, I do. Why do you think that?” His voice was hoarse.

  Josh yanked his hand from under Connor’s, directed his face to the floor again. It took a long time for him to speak. “Please, don’t judge me, Connor.”

  Connor’s alarm bells went off. There was more, but Josh felt scared to say it, feared Connor would judge and reject him. What could he offer to make him feel safe and secure?

  He pushed his chair back from the table. “Come here,” he told Josh in a warm, but firm voice.

  Almost instantly, Josh got up. Holy fuck, Connor's instincts had been spot on. Josh hadn’t hesitated even a second before obeying him. When Josh stood before him, eyes still glued to the ground, Connor reached forward with a slow motion and grabbed Josh gently by his hips. He pulled the man forward until Josh got the hint and straddled his ass on Connor’s lap, facing him. Connor pulled him close, holding Josh loosely until he felt him relax. Josh put his cheek on Connor’s shoulder, sending a sweet triumph through Connor’s system.

  It was almost surreal, this intimacy they were sharing when they hardly knew each other. Yet it felt so familiar, so right.

  “What did you want to tell me, Josh?” he asked, rubbing Josh's back with his right hand.

  For more than a minute, Josh was quiet but relaxed in Connor’s arms. Finally, he spoke. “I like rough sex.” Josh's voice was so soft it was barely audible.

  “Okay.”

  “You don’t think that’s weird or perverse?”

  “No, why would it be?” Connor had a good idea why Josh would think so, but he wanted him to come out and say it.

  “Doesn’t it mean I…liked what happened to me? That I somehow want to relive it?”

  “Did you like rough sex before you were raped?” Connor wanted Josh to know he’d looked it up. It hadn’t been too hard to find in the army records, not with the contacts he had. He figured it would help Josh if he was factual about it.

  Josh let out a breath as if he’d been holding it in. “I think so. Never had much opportunity to experiment.”

  “Josh, what happened to you, it doesn’t change who you are or how you’re wired. You were gay before, and you still are now, right? In the same way, you had your preferences before, and those haven’t changed. Doesn’t mean you’re some sicko deliberately reliving a trauma.”

  “Do you like it rough?”

  “I think so. My cock isn’t very sensitive, so it needs thorough stimulation for me to get off. But I’ve never really fucked another man, so I don’t know for certain. But Josh, I’m not sure if I could fuck rough and hard, with how I’m built.”

  It was easy to talk like this, with this sweet guy wrapped around him, Josh's face tucked away against his shoulder. It felt safe, like he was offering the man a cocoon where he could transform.

  “Indy thinks I’m submissive, because I like being told what to do in bed. It fulfills me when I’m being bossed around and used. To me, it brings freedom, because I don’t feel worry or stress. All I need to do is obey. And I think I like pain…”

  Josh's voice trailed off, the last words barely audible. God, he was laying it all on the line, and it warmed Connor’s heart. He made sure his voice was tender before he spoke. “It sounds like something you may want to explore further.”

  Josh sighed. “Yeah, I guess. It’s not that simple for me, considering my…issues. Trust does not come easy to me.”

  Connor hmm’d, understood. He hadn’t trusted anyone in his life. Not even Lucas, and he had been his best friend.

  “Do you think this is maybe something you’d be interested in…with me?” Josh asked.

  He still wasn’t looking at him, and Connor was grateful. It made it easier, to be honest. Josh's hands were wrapped around Connor now, tracing unknown patterns on his back.

  God, he wanted nothing more than to experiment together. Connor’s dick had grown harder during the conversation, but the mere thought of being Josh's first in this aspect made his cock rock hard in an instant. But how could he risk it? Josh was vulnerable, and Connor didn’t know shit about any of this. What if he ended up breaking him even more?

  “Josh, I’d love nothing more, but I have zero experience with this. All I know is what I’ve seen in porn, and while I’ll admit it exhilarates me, I’m not sure I’d be the right person for you to explore this with.” He sighed. “I’m doing a wicked shitty job of promoting myself here, but I’ve been told I’m arrogant and dominant to the point where people have compared me to a steamroller.”

  Josh untangled himself, leaned back to look Connor in the eye. “And you see this as a problem why exactly? Isn’t the whole point that one partner dominates and the other submits?”

  “What if I’m too dominant for you? What if you don’t say no, and I end up hurting you, physically or mentally?”

  Understanding dawned in Josh's eyes. “You think I’m too fragile for you.” His shoulders sagged. “You’re right.”

  “No! God, no. You’re not the problem, Josh, I am. Shit, I’m fucking this up, aren’t I? It’s all on me, I swear. Hell, you’re not fragile at all, not after what you went through and came out of.”

  Josh's eyes fixed on him, those endless pools of blue. “Then what the fuck are you saying because I don’t understand.”

  Connor sighed. “I’m scared of hurting you. I’m clueless about relationship shit. Plus, we’re talking about exploring this submissive side of you, which I also know jack shit about. Look at my size, my whole body, my strength. And then there’s the size of my dick… I could hurt you for real.”

  How could Josh not see this? Connor couldn’t even bear to think about his attempts at fucking someone. It had been so damn humiliating it still made him sick to his stomach every time he thought about it. There was no way Josh would be able to take him without pain, and it could trigger so many bad memories for him.

  “Connor, I’m no pushover. Trust me, I will communicate my limits loud and clear, don’t you worry. But the last thing I’m worried about is your size, and that includes your cock. I can take it. Take you.”

  Josh's eyes projected confidence, and Connor’s heart sped up. Josh spoke like he meant it. But maybe Josh hadn’t realized from that quick peek how big Connor’s dick was. He’d seen only a glimpse. That had to be why he was still so confident. Connor’s face fell again. God, this was hopeless. Absolutely fucking impossible.

  “Since you haven’t been weirded out so far, let me be even more honest. I love being fucked. I love it so much that I can come just by being fucked hard, without ever touching myself. Connor, I appreciate your concern for hurting me, more than you’ll ever know, but I can take you.”

  * * *

  The doubt on Connor’s face was easy to spot, but Josh picked up something else as well. Hurt. Shame. Connor’s sexual experiences so far had been bad and humiliati
ng, which was un-fucking-believable considering how sexy the guy was. Fuck, Josh found himself all but drooling at even the thought of taking that huge cock in. He couldn’t be the only one who got off on that? How could he show Connor he was serious?

  He raised his hand and put it on Connor’s right cheek. Connor tilted his head sideways to lean into his hand. Josh let his fingers trail down Connor’s strong jaw, swiping his thumb across his full bottom lip. As usual, Josh had stubble because he couldn’t be bothered to shave every day, but Connor’s face was clean-shaven, and it fit him. Mr. Control Freak who had prepared this date by doing research and by going through quite a bit of trouble to find the perfect gift for Josh.

  It was a miracle the guy even wanted to date Josh. Josh knew he wasn’t bad looking, but fuck, he was anything but a catch with his PTSD and everything else. Connor had done research there as well, had accessed Josh's military records to find out what had happened to him. And he had still shown up and had made every effort to make the date a success.

  “Why did you wait so long to contact me, even after Noah told you he and I weren’t together?” Josh asked. He kept exploring Connor’s face with his hand, now sliding his hand through his high and tight brown hair.

  “I wasn’t sure if I wouldn’t be too much for you and if I had enough to offer you.”

  Josh thought for a second Connor had to be kidding, but his face was dead serious. “I don’t understand.”

  Connor sighed. “At the risk of ruining my whole sales pitch even more: you could do so much better than a closeted, sexually inexperienced cop who doesn’t know the first thing about relationships. Plus, you know, there’s the size of my dick and all the complications that brings.”

  Connor’s face was calm and so was his voice, but Josh sensed the depth of his emotions. Connor was as traumatized as he was, if for completely other reasons. This beautiful, proud man had been rejected so many times it had done a serious number on his self-confidence. The dominance and arrogance he’d mentioned before, Josh almost laughed at that since it was not even close to being a problem for him—on the contrary. But Connor could not see past the problem of his size, no matter what Josh would say. It would always be an obstacle—unless Josh showed him it wasn’t.