No Shame: The Complete Series: Including exclusive bonus materials and deleted scenes

by Phoenix, Nora

  6

  There was something eerily familiar about Indy, and it tickled Connor’s brain. The first time he’d seen her in Stewart’s she’d looked familiar, but he hadn’t been able to place her. All of his alarm bells were going off now he realized Indy was, in fact, a guy. Where had he seen the boy before?

  He trained his eyes on Indy. The boy’s hands flew to his stomach, clutching it. He looked to Noah, then to Josh, who had frozen in Connor’s arms. Something was wrong.

  “Look, Connor,” Noah started. He tightened his grip on Indy as if to prevent him from running off.

  “No offense, but I’d rather have Indy himself explain. And I let you get away with hitting me, so don’t give me any crap.”

  Indy’s grip on Noah’s arm was so hard, the boy’s knuckles were white. That had to leave some serious bruises. What had the kid so scared?

  “You’re right, I am from Boston, South Boston. Grew up there.” Indy shifted, wrung his hands. It was obvious he didn’t want to tell this. “A couple of years ago I screwed up, got involved with the wrong guy. I was young, stupid, didn’t know any better. I didn’t see who he was until it was too late. He was a drug dealer, a nasty one. I got away but stole money from him, and he swore to take revenge, so I’ve been living under a false identity.”

  Lightning struck in Connor’s brain. A nasty drug dealer from South Boston who was hell-bent on revenge. Duncan Fitzpatrick. Holy fuck. It was like he could finally connect the pieces, had found the right search term for his brain to recognize Indy.

  “Stephan Moreau. Holy mother of all, you’re alive.”

  Indy scrambled up, pushing himself off Noah, who let him go immediately.

  “I’m on your side,” Connor said loud and clear, realizing Indy was about to bolt out the door and would not come back. No wonder. He couldn’t believe Stephan Moreau was still alive. He’d thought the Fitzpatricks had gotten to him, had silenced him forever and dumped his body never to be found again.

  “Stephan, I mean, Indy, hear me out for five minutes, okay? Five minutes, that’s all I’m asking. And if after that you decide you want to run, Noah can take my phone and keep me here under lock and key until you’re safe.”

  Indy stood, one hand on the door to the garage. “Start talking.”

  Connor got up from the floor, untangling himself from Josh. He kept his distance from Indy, not wanting to spook him even more. “My mother is Brenda O’Connor, born Brenda Mary Fitzpatrick. She’s the second daughter of Jeremy Fitzpatrick, Duncan’s grandfather. Duncan’s father Brian is my mom’s younger brother. My mom, she wanted out, was tired of the violence, the risks. So she married a guy she’d met in high school, Anthony O’Connor, and got pregnant with me. She was still part of the family but wasn’t involved in their dealings and neither was my dad.”

  Indy’s face was so white, Connor feared he would faint. “You’re a Fitzpatrick. I’m so fucked.” His voice was barely audible, but the fear was palpable.

  “I’m on your side, Indy, I promise. I never was a Fitzpatrick.” How could he make Indy believe him? “I’m five years older than Duncan, and I was already in the Marines when he rose to power. I wanted nothing to do with it, and I’m no longer in touch with my family. Believe me, I abhor everything they stand for. It’s why I joined the Marines, and it’s also why I became a cop.”

  “If that’s the case, then why didn’t you ever come forward to testify against them? I didn’t see your name on the list for the prosecution when the DA was preparing the case with me as the main witness.”

  Connor winced. He cut right to the core, didn’t he? Fuck, once more he’d have to share more than he wanted to. It seemed to be the theme of his life at the moment. One look at Josh, still on the floor, staring at him with big eyes, made his priorities crystal clear. There was no way he was walking away from this man. He’d share whatever the fuck he had to to stay with Josh.

  “I’d been in the Marines for years by then, overseas most of the time, and I had no firsthand knowledge of anything recent. But the main reason is that I was scared. They’d warned my parents, my mother especially, what would happen if one of us ever dared to turn against them. I knew what they were capable of…” His voice trailed off as he realized Indy knew better than anyone else. How weak his excuses sounded, compared to what Indy had been through and had still the courage to do.

  He cleared his throat. “My mother contacted me in Afghanistan, told me about the case. She begged me to stay away from it. She was scared I’d find out from someone else and would decide to testify against Duncan. After what happened to you, I was terrified of what they would do to my parents, maybe even my friends. When you disappeared, we all thought they’d gotten to you. I wrestled with my guilt for a long time. Fuck, Stephan, I am more sorry than you can imagine.”

  “My name is Indy. I buried Stephan Moreau a long time ago.” Indy’s voice was cold as ice. Connor nodded that he understood. He wouldn’t make that mistake again.

  “When I left the Marines, I left Boston as well. Never been back since. I wanted to stay far away from all of them, all of it. I broke off all contact with my parents, couldn’t stomach it anymore. My dad passed away last year, but I didn’t even go to his funeral. I’m not telling you this because you need to feel sorry for me, but I want you to know the facts.”

  You’re not giving him all the facts. No, he wasn’t. Because if he told Indy what he’d known, with Noah and Josh listening in, they’d kick him out the door. He’d been such a fucking coward. He swallowed back the bile of shame.

  Indy said, “I need proof. I need to know one hundred percent certain you’re not lying, because if you sell me out to Duncan, I’m dead. And don’t even bother telling me you’re a cop, because we both know how many boys in blue were on the Fitzpatrick’s payroll. I don’t trust cops, ever.”

  “I understand. Merrick, the DA who was on your case, is still there. You know he was not on their side. Ask him to check out my story. He’s determined to bring the Fitzpatricks down.”

  Indy shook his head. “I can’t call him. His phone may be tapped, or they’re monitoring his communications. Duncan has people everywhere, and I can’t lead them here.”

  With anyone else, this would’ve been ridiculous and paranoid, but Indy was rightly worried. After the devastating blow he’d delivered the Fitzpatricks by killing Connor’s cousin Eric, handing over sensitive information to the DA, and then escaping before he could be killed, he was their number one priority. If his family knew Stephan was still alive—and they had to know since they were the only ones interested in killing him and hadn’t succeeded—they’d do anything to get their hands on him. Anything.

  There had to be a big, fat contract out on the kid. No wonder he’d been dressed as a woman. Pretty damn effective, too, because even Connor had never seen through his disguise. It would’ve taken him a long time to connect the dots, if ever. It’d been hearing that all-too-familiar, thick Boston accent that had triggered his brain to make the right connections, and even then he’d only made it after Indy had supplied extra information.

  “Do they have a contract out on you?” he asked.

  “I don’t know for sure, but I expect so. I took fifty grand, but it’s not about that. It’s about what I know and the fact that I killed Eric Fitzpatrick.”

  Connor scowled. “That sick motherfucker deserved everything you did to him, and then some. No jury would’ve ever convicted you of murder.”

  Indy shook his head. “For a cop who’s related to the Fitzpatricks you’re still damn naive. The prosecution would’ve painted me a whore, Duncan’s whore. And who the fuck would’ve defended me, other than some washed-up pro bono attorney? I didn’t stand a chance, which is why I sold Duncan out. Trust me, if I’d been able to walk away from that murder charge, I woulda kept my mouth shut.”

  Connor couldn’t say anything, not when he himself had been too much of a coward to step up and do the right thing. No matter what Indy’s motives had been, even
if they had been self-serving, he’d been the only one willing to testify against the Fitzpatricks.

  “I can reach out to the Boston PD, find out about a contract if you want. However you wanna do this, I’m on board.”

  “I need time to think,” Indy said. He shot Noah a look filled with desperation. The kid had much to lose, and Connor’s heart hurt for him.

  “Look, I’ll hand you my cell phone. If you’ll allow me to call my boss, I can take off for the next few days to sort this out. My chief was getting on my case for too much overtime and accrued leave anyway. I’ll stay right here where you can monitor me until you figure out what you want to do.”

  “Why would you do this?” Noah asked. “No offense, O’Connor, but what’s in it for you?”

  “I want them brought to justice. I grew up seeing and hearing what they did to people. They’re monsters. It’s why I enlisted, to escape them, to create a different future for myself. I was too scared to do this sooner, but I’m willing now. But to bring them down, the DA needs Indy. He’s the only one who has the knowledge to do it.”

  “You mean the only one who’s still alive,” Indy said, the bitterness dripping from his voice.

  “That, too,” Connor admitted. “Witnesses do have a tendency to disappear. Though the DA has brought down a whole slew of bought cops in cooperation with the Boston PD. The Fitzpatricks don’t have the clout and the reach they once had.”

  Indy bit his lip, studying Connor. He stayed calm under the boy’s scrutiny. You couldn’t blame Indy for being cautious. It’s what had kept him alive the last two years. There were so many questions Connor wanted to ask him about that, like how he had managed to get a driver’s license under a false name and with a different gender. But questions would make Indy distrust him even more.

  “Josh …” It was all Indy said, but Josh nodded.

  “My first loyalty is to you, Indy,” Josh said. He didn’t even look at Connor, instead shot Indy a soft smile filled with love. Josh's words hurt Connor deep in his heart, even though rationally he understood. Of course Josh would side with Indy, but after what they had shared, it hurt. Would there ever be a time when he’d be number one on Josh's list, before Noah and Indy?

  “For what it’s worth, I trust Connor, and I think he’s telling the truth, but I’ll do whatever you want me to,” Josh added.

  “I agree, but it’s your call, baby,” Noah said.

  Indy bit his lip again. “I’m too tired to think,” he said.

  “You can lock me in the guest bedroom for tonight without access to a phone. That way, you can sleep on it and decide in the morning,” Connor offered. He had to be crazy to volunteer to be imprisoned, but he understood Indy’s dilemma. Indy needed time to work it out.

  Indy scoffed. “Dude, you’d burst through that window in a second if you wanted to, second floor or not.”

  Josh shot Connor a quick look. “I’ll stay with him,” he said to Indy. “You know Connor would never hurt me.”

  Indy’s face softened for the first time since he’d found out who Connor was. “I know. But are you okay with that? Does he know about you?”

  Josh stepped up to Indy, pulled him close and hugged him. “You’re so sweet for worrying about me right now. It’s okay, Indy, I’ll tell him. Thank you.” He kissed Indy on his mouth, and a stab of jealousy shot through Connor. What was it with all the kissing and the hugging here? First, he’d had to watch Noah kiss Josh and now this?

  “Do you need me, Noah?”

  What the ever-loving fuck? Was he jumping to conclusions or had Josh just asked Noah if he wanted to fuck him, in front of not just Indy, but Connor as well? From the low-key, almost automatic way Josh had asked the question, Connor deducted this was not the shocking question he perceived it to be. How the hell could he offer after what he’d shared with Connor today? Hadn’t that meant anything to him?

  “I’m good, but thank you,” Noah said, pulling Indy close and kissing him on his head. The love Noah had for Indy was obvious, so how could everyone be so casual about Noah and Josh's sexual relationship?

  “Problem?” Noah asked coolly, clearly witnessing the turmoil on Connor’s face.

  Connor jammed his hands in his pockets. “Nope, everything’s peachy.”

  Josh looked at Connor, and his eyes widened as if he only now realized what he’d said. To Connor’s satisfaction, the guy had at least the decency to blush.

  “I’ll go upstairs, seeing as it’s close to ten.” Connor desperately wanted to ask Josh to join him, order him to follow, but he held his tongue. He wasn’t sure anymore where he stood with Josh, not after what had transpired. Maybe he’d attached more meaning to their fucking than he should have.

  “I’ll come with you,” Josh said, avoiding Connor’s eyes. His cheeks and ears were still flushed.

  “Your phone.” Indy held out his hand.

  Connor dug his phone from his pocket, handed it over without delay. “It’s password protected, but the pin is 102704 if you want to check my email or anything else.”

  “October 27, 2004,” Indy said. For the first time that evening, he smiled at Connor. “The day the Red Sox won the World Series and ended the Curse of the Bambino.”

  Connor nodded, not surprised Indy had gotten the reference. “Check anything you want on my phone. You’ll see I’m telling you the truth.”

  He turned around and walked upstairs. His heart that had been so heavy did a happy little dance when Josh followed him.

  Ten minutes later, they were in bed, their bodies not touching, both dressed in shirts and boxers. Connor had heard the door being locked—which was rather futile, seeing as one well-placed kick would get him out if he wanted to. He was okay with it, understood it was as much an extra measure as something to help Indy feel safer.

  “You okay?” Josh asked.

  “Yeah. You? What was it that Indy wanted you to tell me?”

  Connor hated the physical distance between them but was hesitant to cross boundaries Josh needed him to respect.

  “I have nightmares,” Josh said after a spell.

  That was to be expected, though Connor wondered if the nightmares were about Josh's war experiences or his assault. Probably best not to ask at this point. “What do you do to prevent them?”

  “Sleep in the same bed as Noah and Indy.”

  “Oh, okay. Do you just need to be in the same bed, or…?”

  “Connor, are we okay?”

  “Why wouldn’t we be?”

  “Because I chose Indy over you and then offered myself to Noah.”

  Connor let out a breath. “That hurt,” he admitted.

  “The first or the second?”

  “Both.”

  He felt Josh's hand seek his body, touch his shoulder. “Can I touch you?”

  “Please,” Connor said, probably way too eagerly.

  In the dim light that spilled through the curtains, Connor watched as Josh sat up, whipped off his shirt. He lifted his butt, shoved down those sexy, tight, black boxers. What was he doing?

  “I need to feel your skin,” Josh whispered, pulling on Connor’s shirt next.

  Connor obliged and undressed. With a deep, satisfied sigh, Josh planted his head on Connor’s shoulder, draping himself half over him. Connor circled his arm around the man, pulled him close and rested his cheek against the top of Josh's head. Naked skin on naked skin, that was something he could get used to.

  “This is what I do to prevent the nightmares.”

  A loud moan erupted from the room next door. Josh giggled. “Noah is giving Indy a blow job.”

  Connor swallowed. “How do you know?”

  “I recognize the sounds. I sleep with them, you know.”

  “They have sex with you in the room?”

  “Sometimes. They try not to, to keep me from being embarrassed or plain horny, but it happens.”

  “And Indy is okay with Noah fucking you as well?”

  “It’s hard for you, isn’t it? I’m sorry.
I’m not used to explaining it, defending us. Yes, Noah still fucks me, mostly when he’s too tired or fucked up to control himself. Sex is how he releases a lot of his pain and anger, and Indy can’t take it. I can.”

  Connor let Josh's words sink in. The pieces of the puzzle started to make sense in his head. “I’m jealous,” he admitted.

  Josh's hand trailed to Connor’s stomach, exploring the skin and muscles there. Connor shivered. “I don’t mean to hurt you,” Josh said.

  Connor kissed the top of Josh's head. “Josh, do we have a chance? You and me, I mean. Will there ever be a day when you will choose me?”

  He felt as if he was dangling from a rope, about to be dropped into an abyss. He’d fallen for Josh, way too fast and way too deep. It made him more vulnerable than he’d ever been in his life, and it wasn’t a feeling he appreciated.

  Josh lifted his head from Connor’s shoulder and dragged his head down for a kiss that left Connor’s head spinning. He wanted more, deeper, but couldn’t with the angle of their mouths. He grabbed Josh by his arms, pulled the man on top of him and fused their mouth together again.

  Josh's tongue met his, tangling, teasing, seducing. Short, quick breaths mixed with sucking sounds filled the room. Josh teased Connor’s lower lip before biting it gently. A tremor tore through Connor’s body. Holy smoke, the man could kiss.

  Connor growled against Josh's mouth, dropping his hands to his ass to tug him closer. Josh squeezed his ass cheeks when Connor held him there, then let his legs drop on either side of Connor’s as if to invite him in. Connor kept kissing him, dueling for control over Josh's mouth. He let his right hand slide through Josh's crack, felt his body shiver in response. He found the hole with his thumb, teased it, circled it. Josh pushed down, a clear invitation.

  “Tell me what you want,” Connor breathed into his mouth.

  Josh whimpered when Connor pushed his thumb against his hole without entering.

  The sounds from next door intensified, loud moans and grunts mixed in with an occasional thud against the wall. Connor smiled at the erotic sounds. It should’ve embarrassed him to hear Noah and Indy, but it didn’t, somehow.