No Shame: The Complete Series: Including exclusive bonus materials and deleted scenes

by Phoenix, Nora

  “It’s because I love you that I have to do this. I have to stop running. I’m so tired of being scared, not just for myself but especially for others. Merrick and his family, Houdini, and now Blake. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep putting people’s lives in danger because I’m scared. So I’ll put my fate in the hands of the FBI, and I’ll testify against Duncan, and anyone else they want me to.”

  “I’ll come with you,” Noah said, like Indy knew he would. “We’ll convince them to put us both in witness protection.”

  Indy took a deep breath, steeling himself. “No. I’m going alone.”

  Noah’s eyes narrowed. “Indy, no. We do this together.”

  He stepped in, let go of Josh's hand, and put a hand against Noah’s cheek. “It’s no life for you, baby. You wouldn’t be able to work, to do much of anything. You’d go stir-crazy. And I’d still have to constantly worry they’d get you, too. I’m done putting you all in danger.”

  “But…” Noah’s face tightened. He was starting to see where this was going. “Where does that leave us?”

  Indy couldn’t help it. He had to taste him, one more time. He dragged Noah’s head down and kissed him with all the love burning in his heart. Noah kissed him back with furious passion that coursed through Indy’s veins. He broke off the kiss and stepped back.

  “You have to let me go, Noah. You deserve more. I want you to live, not hide with me. I’ll come back if I can.”

  He stopped, his throat constricted by the raw pain radiating from Noah. Indy had known it would hurt him, but he hadn’t been ready for this much pain.

  “Indy, please… Don’t do this. Don’t walk away.”

  His proud man begging. If anything, it showed the depth of his love for Indy. He wavered. Should he…? No, he couldn’t. He couldn’t keep dragging Noah into his mess. He deserved so much more.

  He turned and raised to his toes to kiss Josh. “Promise me you’ll take care of him.”

  Josh's lips were warm, soft. Gentle. Understanding. No fury here, but mere sadness. “Always. Come back to us, Indy. We need you.”

  He nodded. “I’ll try.” He didn’t even bother to wipe away the tears.

  Connor’s face was tight with worry. “Take care of yourself, kid. Don’t let your guard down.”

  Indy nodded and hugged him tight. “I will. Be strong for them, Connor.”

  Connor nodded, returning the hug. “I’ll take you to the station, and we’ll make the call from there.”

  Aaron sat forlorn on a chair, watching the whole thing. “Tell Blake I’m sorry,” Indy said. “So very sorry.”

  “I will. But he won’t be angry with you,” Aaron said.

  Indy nodded to Brad and another guy with a similar complexion—that had to be Blake’s other brother.

  As he walked out, Connor’s hand protectively on his back, he heard Noah cry out. It sounded like an animal that had been deadly wounded and was fighting for his life. Blinded by tears, Indy let Connor lead him away from everything and everyone he’d ever loved.

  13

  Noah felt like he was slowly dying. Not literally, of course. His stump was healing well, and aside from a few bruises he had no injuries from the attack. But it had been two weeks without Indy, and Noah was shriveling on the inside. The light had been taken out of his life, leaving only darkness. And seeing Josh suffer without Connor only added to his sense of hopelessness.

  What the hell was wrong with Connor that he’d walked out on Josh right now? Fuck, Noah had thought the cop had loved Josh, but he’d broken things off the same day Indy had left. Fucking unbelievable. Josh had said he’d sprouted some crap about not being able to deal with Josh being so needy all the time and that he knew he was gonna lose Josh to Noah anyway now that Indy was gone. He’d even quit his job and had moved away. Fucking asshole.

  Noah was worried sick about Josh, but so far he seemed to be coping better than he himself was. Maybe Josh still harbored hope Connor would come to his senses? After all, the cop had pushed the sale of the house through. He’d not merely come up with the down payment, he’d bought the whole damn thing. It was all done and paid for. Noah and Josh had received a call from the notary, telling them to come sign the contract. It was in both of their names. Who the fuck did that and then walked away? It didn’t make sense.

  So yeah, maybe Josh still had hope his man would come back. Noah didn’t. He knew Indy. Once he’d decided on something, he wouldn’t change his mind. This was what Noah had been afraid of since he’d fallen in love with him, that Indy’s sense of guilt and his deep desire to protect those he loved would make him walk away. Nothing Noah did would change that.

  Not that he could even try, since Indy had gone into protective custody, and the FBI had no intention of letting Noah know where he was. Apparently, Indy had made it clear to the FBI he did not want to talk to Noah. Or Josh, because Noah had made him try, too. No, Indy had meant it when he told Noah to let him go.

  He pulled his sweater over his head, then put on jeans. He rolled the pant leg back, pinning it with a few safety pins. The amputation wound was healing well, faster than expected. He had physical therapy with his new prosthesis for the first time today to test it out, see if his body could handle it. Noah was more worried about his mind. The pain in his body, he could handle. The pain in his heart…that was a different story.

  Afterward, he had an appointment at the hospital. As he had expected, he was in serious shit for the procedures he’d done, both at home and the buddy transfusion in the ambulance. Owens had told him to show up for a meeting with the hospital lawyer and to bring his own lawyer. His head hurt even thinking about how that meeting was gonna go, even if he knew Owens wouldn’t want to lose him. Liability weighed heavy for the hospital, as always.

  Carefully, he went down the stairs on his crutches. Moving into the ranch would be a huge improvement for him and would make things a hell of a lot easier. That being said, he’d trade it in a heartbeat to have Indy back. And Connor, though Noah would beat the shit out of him for what he’d done to Josh if he ever saw him again.

  In the living room, Blake was asleep on the couch. Aaron sat at his feet, of course, reading a book. The kid couldn’t seem to be away from Blake, even for a little while. Fucking annoying.

  “Morning,” Noah said, making an effort to be friendly. “How is he?”

  Aaron put his book down. “Tired. He’s not sleeping well.”

  “He’s healing, Aaron, but it’ll take time.”

  Blake had been released from the hospital two days prior, opting to stay at Noah’s place instead of his own home since Noah already had handicapped accommodations. The extra railings along the stairs and the handicapped accessible shower would make things a lot easier. Or so he’d told Noah. Noah was pretty sure they also wanted to keep an eye on him to make sure he didn’t go off the rails. He appreciated it, on some level, but Aaron annoyed the fuck out of him.

  Aaron got up from the couch, covering Blake again with the comforter. “I made you lunch,” he told Noah.

  Noah’s eyebrows rose. “You didn’t have to do that.” Aaron meant well, probably, but he had an issue with boundaries. Josh had gone for a long run, but Noah was damn well capable of making his own lunch. He couldn’t believe it didn’t drive Blake mad, this constant hovering and neediness.

  “There’s coffee in your travel mug and a ham and egg sandwich in the fridge.”

  Someone had been paying attention during the few days he’d been here. It was tiresome, how he was copying his brother.

  “Thank you.”

  “I’ll do some grocery shopping today, since we’re running low on a bunch of stuff. Is there anything you need?”

  Noah took a sip from the coffee. Ah. At least it had the perfect temperature. “A few things. But you can wait till Josh gets back, so you don’t have to leave Blake alone.”

  Aaron nodded. “Yeah, okay. I can help him shower, right? You said it would be okay by now? He’s been dying for one.”<
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  “Yeah. His wounds are all closed, so it’s fine. I wouldn’t stay in too long, though. The wounds shouldn’t get too soft, you know what I mean?”

  “Okay.”

  Noah took another sip of his coffee, then grabbed the sandwich Aaron had made. It didn’t look as perfect as when Josh would make it, but he had to admit it was a hell of a lot better than what he would’ve made himself.

  Aaron jammed his hands in his pockets. “Erm, Noah, can I ask you something else?”

  “Yeah.”

  Aaron looked at the floor, circled his left foot till it popped, then his right. Something was bothering him, but what?

  “Is there anything he shouldn’t do yet?” Aaron finally asked.

  Noah could think of a long list of things Blake would probably be wise not to engage in. Running came to mind. Jiujitsu, for that matter. But the kid had to be talking about something else. What else would Blake—or Aaron himself—want to do that could hurt him?

  Ah. Of course. He sighed.

  “Hand jobs and blow jobs are fine, but he can’t fuck yet. That would put too much stress on his wounds.”

  Aaron blushed fiercely, a trait the brothers had in common, it seemed.

  “O-o-okay,” he stuttered.

  The relief on his face affirmed Noah had guessed right. “And Aaron,” he added. “Blake is gonna be in pain for a while, as well as restricted in his physical activities. For a man like him who is so active, that’s gonna be hard.”

  Aaron nodded, looking worried. “I know. I’m trying to do what I can, you know. I wanna take good care of Blake and help out in the house and everything.”

  What the fuck was so stressful about that, that he had to look so haggard? The kid had done a good job, Noah had to admit, helping with cleaning and keeping everything neat and tidy. He’d helped Josh fix some meals, which Josh had tolerated. Sort of. They were still not best buddies and probably never would be, but Josh was trying the best he could under these circumstances.

  And Aaron had been there for Blake, spending the biggest part of his days in the hospital before Blake was released. Every time Noah had come to visit, Aaron had been at Blake’s bedside, or even on his bed, even when Blake was sleeping. It was unnerving, as if he couldn’t stand to be away from the man. Desperately clingy, was another apt description. Noah had seen Blake’s brothers raise their eyebrows as well.

  “I appreciate your help, Aaron. And I know you’re worried about Blake, but he’s recovering well. You might wanna consider backing off a little.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Look, Aaron, I know you’re new at this and all, but you might wanna give Blake some space, okay? You’re getting quite clingy, and if you want to keep him happy, I’m not sure that’s the best way to go.”

  “Flint!” Blake called out from the living room, sounding furious.

  Noah could ignore him, but that wasn’t fair since the guy couldn’t come to him. So he sighed and made his way to the living room, where Blake had propped himself up on the couch. His eyes were firing at Noah, and Noah cringed a little.

  “What?” he snapped.

  “Butt the fuck out of my relationship,” Blake said, his voice frozen solid. “You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

  The intensity of his reaction surprised Noah. He looked over his shoulder. Behind him, Aaron stood with shoulders hanging low, looking like a puppy that had gotten kicked. Kind of like when Josh had gone off against him about betraying him.

  “Aaron, come here,” Blake said, his voice suddenly warm.

  Noah was still looking at Aaron, who shook his head, biting his lip.

  “Come on, puppy,” Blake said. Noah turned his head at the unexpected term of endearment. Blake patted the comforter with his hand, much like you would do when you called a…puppy. He’d called him puppy. What the ever-loving fuck?

  Aaron moved past him, launched himself on the couch and curled up at Blake’s feet. Blake immediately put his hand on Aaron’s head and rubbed him until he stopped squirming. “That’s a good boy,” Blake praised him.

  Aaron’s face relaxed, the stress leaving his body as he snuggled up to Blake’s feet. Any second now, Noah expected him to stick out his tongue and start licking Blake.

  Blake’s eyes found Noah’s, all but daring him to say something. It made Noah feel small.

  “I’m sorry,” he said.

  Blake nodded and continued to pet Aaron’s head. It was as if Noah’s black glasses had been removed, and he saw it through a different lens. What he had seen as clingy and annoying had been sweet and healing, both for Blake and for Aaron.

  Now that he thought about it, he’d never seen Blake react with anything other than love and endless patience toward Aaron. He’d never turned him away, had never even shown a hint of irritation. No, that had all been Noah. On the contrary, Blake seemed to love it when Aaron was close to him, touching him. If not, he wouldn’t reach out for him all the time to pet him. If this was what worked for them and made them happy, who the fuck was he to judge? He’d done some pretty crazy shit himself, after all.

  “I miss Indy,” Noah said. It wasn’t an excuse, but it was an explanation. Sort of. He could only hope Blake would accept it. Fuck, he’d been an asshole.

  “Still nothing?” Blake asked. The anger on his face disappeared, making place for understanding. Thank fuck. Noah had been way out of line there.

  Noah shook his head. “No. I have no idea where he is or how he’s doing.”

  “It sucks, man. And Josh, how is he?”

  “He’s taking it better than I had expected, but I’m worried.” He dragged a hand through his buzz cut. Blake sure was easy to talk to. “I never saw it coming, you know? Plus, the timing, it’s too much at the same time.”

  “You had no idea Connor was unhappy?”

  “No. He never said a word. It’s been hard on him, I guess, trying to accept Josh's baggage.”

  “You mean you and Indy,” Blake said.

  The guy was a straight shooter, called it as he saw it. Noah could appreciate that. It sure was a hell of a lot less tiresome than beating around the bush. “Yeah. It’s a lot to ask, you know?”

  “Plus, maybe the guilt over his family’s role in what happened to Indy?” Noah had shared the story with Blake and Aaron, figuring they had a right to know after becoming unintentionally involved. “I’m just saying, Connor seems like the type to feel responsible.”

  Noah’s eyes narrowed as he pondered Blake’s question. “Maybe. Hadn’t looked at it that way.”

  He did have a point. Noah mulled it over on the taxi ride to physical therapy. Connor loved Josh. Truly, deeply loved him. A child could see it, the way his face lit up when Josh was even in the same room. And there was no doubt in Noah’s mind that he took good care of Josh. Better than Noah had ever done, that was for sure. He’d never picked up on Josh's need for submission, had been too caught up in his own needs to see it. Selfish, he’d been selfish. Simple as that.

  Josh loved Connor, too. And it was a different love than he had for Noah and Indy, though it was hard to pinpoint what was dissimilar. Maybe it was the submission thing.

  Why the hell had Connor taken off? It didn’t make sense. If he loved Josh and Josh loved him, why would it all be too much all of a sudden? What had changed, other than that Indy was temporarily out of the picture?

  He felt so alone and unstable, as if the ground was sinking under his feet and no one was there to help him. Without Indy, his life was so damn empty. It physically hurt, being without what felt like his other hand. His heart. He envied Blake and Aaron and their weird but sweet relationship. He’d do anything, anything to be able to hold Indy again. His throat constricted, and he had to swallow hard.

  “We’re here,” the taxi driver announced.

  He handed him the money and waved off the change. It took effort to get out of the car, especially since there were spots of frozen snow here and there. If he put his crutch on one of
those, things would not end well. He waited till the taxi had driven off to go inside, trying to breathe through the pain. It took a long time before he was able to go inside, and when he did, his eyes were red and swollen.

  14

  Blake woke up disoriented. “Aaron?”

  “I’m here.” The weight against his feet moved. Blake smiled. He’d grown accustomed to having Aaron sleep or cuddle at his feet. Ever since Blake had been discharged from the hospital, Aaron had seemed content to simply be near him. Sometimes he’d read a book or a magazine, but there were times when he’d lain down at his feet, waiting for Blake to wake up again. They’d spent the first week at Noah’s, but had moved back into Blake’s own house a week ago.

  Blake stretched, careful not to put too much pressure on his wounds. Three weeks had passed since the shooting, and his injuries were healing well, but his upper body was still tender. They’d had to crack his chest open to repair the damage the bullet had caused. In the first few days, even breathing had hurt. No wonder, with the beating his lungs had taken, Noah had explained.

  Blake couldn’t believe he was still alive. He’d coded twice, according to Noah. If he hadn’t been there, Blake would be dead. Then again, if Blake hadn’t taken those two guys out, chances were someone else would be dead. All in all, Blake wasn’t unhappy with the outcome.

  “Oh, good. I fell asleep again.”

  “That’s okay. Can I get you anything?”

  “Are we alone?”

  “Yeah. Everyone’s at work.”

  Blake shot Aaron a sexy smile. “Good. I need to take a shower, and after that, you and I are gonna fool around a little.”

  Aaron swallowed. “Fool around?”

  “Yeah, puppy. I’ve missed you horribly. I’m fucking horny, and I need to make sure you still know who you belong to.”

  A sweet smile spread across Aaron’s face. “You,” he whispered. “I’m yours.”